Here is my story - Last year (almost exactly) I found about the affair. Wife confessed and after going thru the angry stage I asked her if she wanted another chance. She said she did. She kept contacting OM. I even on her request met the OM and her together. She said she wanted closure..I dropped her off to his car. She said they were breaking up. I saw them making out and him carrying her to back to the car. She came home and she lied about it. She kept contacting him. I kept loving her and advising her to stop contacting go through withdrawl and I will fill the void with love. I asked her to make a decision and she stayed with me. Found she had met him on Nov after I thought all was over (found in Dec 05) OM lost his job she tried to call his work even though she has his cell #. All this time I was the best I could be on emotional needs to her. ON valentines she said she missed him. I died!!!!
She started to drift away emotionally. I was to my wits end on loving and we started to have fights again. She came close to me to a point and I could feel her pulling away.
I finally said I was going to divorce her....she started to turn around but I knew she only wanted me closeto a point. I still gave in to her and never went through with the divorce procedings. She kept coming close and going far. I finally told her she had to move since she could not commit to me. We had discussions on her feelings and she finally said that deep down in her heart she cannot bring me in. I knew it all along and I said I was going to make my own life and not follow her like a puppy and get hurt over and over again. I starteed to slid into depression and lost my job a month ago. After going back and forth I told her that I have a feeling that she has been contacting him. She never admitted outright but said that he is out of state. This meant that she has been asking aboout him and very likely communicating with him. I finally with tears told her that I cannot live with the OM memories in the house. She either marries me all over again or leave me. She said that she has tried to make it work with all her heart and her heart has failed her...I died again. After all my efforts and love she still loves him. OMG I cant beleve I just typed that.
Now emotionally I am exactly where I was a year ago. The heart ache and distress is back. I want to go out inth e world and make a life for my self...........but I cant!!!
What is wrong with me???
BTW we were high school sweethearts and have been married for 18years together for 25 years. We have two kids 17 and 14 who are going to live with me.
I feel like she is going to live her dream life and I am goingto be empty and lonely because I STILL LOVE HER.

HELP ME!!!!!!!!!!!

Chances are, the affair will never last. If he is married, I hope you let his wife know about the affair.

I would go into a good Plan B, and be dark to her. It will protect your heart. Also you might want to try anti-depressants, if it is to the point you are having problems with your job.

W_A,

Ok, I am going to say something very very harsh to you. You love the woman you married NOT the woman you are married to.

You have tried for a year, it sounds as if you have done a good job. If you had come here a year ago, perhaps a few things would be different.

I would strongly recommend that you read about plan A and plan B. Frankly, you are very likely ready for plan B. But, it seems clear that you are in a "push-pull" relationship. If you back off, she pulls, if you come forward she pushes.

There are several things you are going to have to face before you have a chance. One is that what you have been doing has NOT worked. Until contact ends, there is no hope. Two, you have not been willing to walk away if that is what is required and by that I mean you must quit trying to control , focus on yourself, your children, getting a job, and providing for the children.

Until she is ready (the affair ends) there is no hope for the marriage. You cannot educate her, you cannot change her, and you must face these things.

Given that you have been in this a year I am inclinded to say let her move out, and go to plan B. But, read about plan A first, and see if there is something in plan A you have NOT done. If there is do it, but be ready for plan B.

Focus on your children and work to make their life the best it can be. They are surely hurting as well.

Read, plan, act.

God Bless,

JL

What Just Learning says is right on the money. Just want to add some clarification and further points:

Define between the W and the WW. The W is the one you married; the WW is the one addicted to OM. Treat this like an addiction. You can’t keep an addict from his drug of choice but the addict himself can do that. The only thing you can do is remove triggers and options. So do all you can to remove OM from your life and remove possible triggers for W.

How do you remove him? Basically a three pronged attack:
Make the affair unattractive and unviable. This is done by exposure. Is he still married? In an earlier post you say he is divorcing. Has that gone through? If not then expose to his wife. Read about exposure and consider what key-persons in your life to expose to.
Make the marriage (basically YOU) an attractive and viable option: This is Plan A through and through.
The third prong is the most dangerous and has to be carefully used: make getting out of the marriage as unattractive as possible. Lowering of lifestyle, moving out of home, less contact with family… The consequences of divorce have to be very clear to WW. Problem is that very often the messenger of bad news is not popular and that is anti Plan A. So be very careful how you get this picture over to WW. A common request from the WS is that if this goes to divorce the kids don’t have to know the true reason. Don't offer her any easy way out.

If possible never use the Third Prong. Research divorce and your rights in case you need to use that card. Accept it might come to that but neither push for it nor initate talk about it. It’s like praying for sun but preparing for rain.

Accept that this can only end in one of two ways: your reconcile or you separate. You can only influence the eventual decision but both of you have to take it.

Look – Like JL points out you have tried your methods for a year. Try a True MB approach. Read all about Plan A and Plan B. Read “landmark cases” here on MB. Read The Carrot and the Stick of Plan A by Pepperband.

For your own sake and since you have already suffered a year I will suggest you set yourself goals and a time-line. Try Plan A and if you do not notice changes in 3 months then you reconsider. For that time dedicate yourself 100% to Plan A.

Thank You Bigger and JL.

I have decided to move on. We are seperating as of Sept 1st. I had a heart to heart last night and I believe she is really sorry for her feelings but she cannot help it......so time to move on. She is moving out and I will be taking care of the kids at home. I have conveyed how much I love her and she understands. But I also made her understand that I cannot be a doormat anymore and I need to stop hurting myself by dealing with the uncertainty.
My questions to all out there is how to deal with her leaving..I mean on a day to day, hour to hour basis. My mind knows all the answers but my heart is still hurting.
Thanks Again Guys!!!
WA

Plan B, is the way to go. It includes a letter, Plan B letter, that is a love letter, stating your boundaries, OM must be gone, but you will entertain working on the marriage once he leaves. It also includes NO Contact or communications between you and your W. Set up a way to communicate about the children, via a third party.

You will go through withdrawal from her, as you have been in love with her a long time. It will take about a month for you to get through the worst of it. Then, you will find a lot of peace in your life. Focus on your children, make sure that if your state allows a legal separation you get one that spells out that you have primary custody of the children, and how any attributes are to be split in case of divorce. See a lawyer about this.

REad about plan B, and its function. The short version is that the function of plan B is to help YOU preserve your love for your W. The affair most likely will end at some point, the issue will be whether you have enough love left for her to rebuild. Plan B helps you stretch the time line by preserving your love. She has a harder time withdrawing love units from you if she is NOT in contact with you and you don't know what she is doing.

You have a lot of work to do, but all is not over yet.

Hang in there.

God Bless,

JL

"but all is not over yet"..................I am confused!!!!!!!
JL do you mean that after seperating I would still be working on br-building my marriage??? I thought that her moving out meands me moving on with my life and her maybe hooking up with OM at some point. W says she will go and liveon her own.
Dont know to what point will she rekindle her love for the OM or will he come back in state and be with her or is she going to let go finally. I have been thinking that once she moves out that I will have very limited contact with her (Kids n all) and try to concentrate on my day to day life and kids. Not at all thinking that I will be giving my marriage any chance at all. Thinking its over finally done with with.....dead.
Should I preserve my love for her...........I thought that is what is hurting me all this time. The one sided love is hurting me and I want to stop it from hurting me. I conveyed all this to my W and she says she understands and does not want to hurt me anymore so she will move out. Out of site out of mind and I agree. I cannot move on while knowing that she wants to be with me but cannot. Thats what hurts!!!

So confused!!!!

Think you should stick to Plan A for as long as you can…. and then some. Make big-time deposits in the L for as long as possible. This will make her withdrawal from you more pronounced and painful for her.

It always amazes me how Dr. Harley advises people to stick to Plan A. long after I would recommend Plan Z! Cases that come to mind are Dazedandconfused and MyWifeILove.

By all means prepare for Plan B and enter it before too long but make LB deposits big time until then.

Look up MyWifeILove’s story and read it. Sounds similar to what you are facing except his WW was in an ongoing affair.

Has the OM divorced his wife? If not then expose to her. Let her know they are in contact and that WW is moving out. Start rocking the boat.

HMMM...

Dude's been in plan a for a year... and now it's time to define a boundary, of which he hasn't. Plan B. If he takes much more of her crap, someone will surely die, and it will probably be the OM! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Solidify your finances. Button down the hatches, and get ready for the ride. Believe me, your children are old enough to make their own decisions, and I'm sure if you are being honest with us, your wife will not enjoy their reaction to her actions. Children don't beat around the bush, I'm sure they will fire at her like you can't even imagine.

Your job is to love your children. Provide financial security for them. And to be obedient to God during this time. It's not about what she is doing, it's about what you are doing. Read about plan b. Read about no contact with her. Read about boundaries and conditions for her return.

-hang in there

“Coping” and Plan A is not the same thing. Far from it. Just like coping is not reconciliation. It’s just… coping. Has a determined Plan A been followed through for the year?

I started Plan A even before I Found MB which made me feel like I knew what I was doing. And after W and I discussed her moving out, I started Plan A again for Two reasons...First I wanted to get the hate out of me and end the relationship on a
good note and second for the very reason bigger mentioned. I wanted her to know my love was still there but I am holding my ground now. W has found a place and will be moving on Sept 16 and not 1st since the room wil be avail then. Until then I intend to deposit as much Love as possible.
Although I do not intend to reconcile after the seperation. Rather I intend to make my own life. I know Plan B will hurt but I want to use that as a catapolt to my new life.

Thanks Guys n Gals!!!

I'am in the same boat it been 13 monts since I discover my HA and he told me he is moving this week-end he sais he want to quit the bridge from op and with me and see more clearly what he want. He said is got some love for me but something missing. I don't know how I am going to survive. I have to kids 10 and 8. I am so afraid. We should exchange how we are doing every day and try to give us hope.
I will pray for you