We've been having marital problems for a long time. Been to marriage counseling for many months but my wife lost interest suggested divorce. I am resisting. Recently she admitted that the only reason she is with me is purely financial (she wont be able to support herself on her own). I am hoping that perhaps one day she may understand my love and care for her and just may be we could revive our old love.
Recently I came across some of her private email exchanges with her friends by accident and found some cruel remarks about me by my wife. Its devastating. I don't know whether recovery from this is possible at all. Am I wasting my time?

To have love, it is necessary that there is respect. I read in an old post that you haven't even been married for 2 years. That is really early to be having so many problems.

Is your wife working? Might be time to go to Plan B.

AL,
I read your other posts, and you mention a conflict about where to live and that she does not want to attend counseling, but you haven't mentioned the possibility of an affair.

Do you think she is unfaithful?

It would explain her behavior. There is no way that your marriage can improve if she's actively seeing someone else.

If this is the case, then the cruel email remarks are part of "the fog" of a wayward spouse and are not really how she feels. She would just be trying to justify her behavior.

I'm sorry for your pain. I hope you are not wasting your time.

Hi Al,

So sorry you are here. It is not hopeless. Don't take her mean comments too deeply. Sounds like she is having an affair. She needs to justify it for herself by making you out to be a bad guy.

How long have you been married? Any children?

Read all you can on this site. Most importantly, no clinging. Be still and listen to what she tells you about the two of you. Somewhere under all the BS will be some hint of the truth that allowed her to do the unthinkable.

Keep posting here it is a great support group for one of life's most difficult situations.

S.

Thank you all for your kind advise.

Yes the keyword is RESPECT, which is missing in our marriage. Often she calls me names and when I express resentment she repeats carelessly 'but you are ..so & so'!

No my wife is not working. She has no formal qualifications (apart from school cert) and is registered disabled (although not a serious disability). We don't have children, but we do have dogs and cats which we both adore.

I went through Plans A and B but much of the advise concerns infidelity. My wife is not having an affair. I am almost certain of that, though I wouldn't be surprised if it happens one day considering her coldness towards me.

She asked for divorce few weeks ago then after a chat to with her dad, she changed her mind for now. She had planned to move onto his large property, which is in another state and build some sort of mobile home. But he talked her against it, saying he needs an official permit for such a thing. I think its an excuse as he is keen to make her stay with me. He is a good friend of mine and am hoping that through him (and her other relatives) I could bring some sense to her.

It hurts when your spouse is only there for your money. Only yesterday she was discussing my life insurance. She thinks it may not be sufficient for her after my death.

I am grateful for the material on this site and for the good advise from posters. Trouble is it is very difficult when you have a spouse who is unwilling to cooperate or learn.

Well, one person can change a marriage. It happens all of the time here.

I sincerely hope you do some more reading and posting here.

The Dobson tough love thing might work for you. I have a link somewhere, I'll try to find it.

Al,
SOrry that you are experiencing these challenges. In your post you mention that you are sure your wife is not having an affair? Is there a reason that you are positive? I didn't have any clue (except that my wife was not trying in the marriage anymore and was being mean)... Taking a page out of Mr. Wondering, it sounds like it may be time to do some serious snooping because you may uncover something unexpected that may explain some of her disinterest. If you don't find anything, then you may want to really think about what you really want from this woman, and can she ever give it to you? Good luck...
Heartsore

I finally managed to persuade my wife to change her mind on divorce! Trouble is the new solution isn't perfect either.

The plans is that we sell our beautiful house (on 3 acres of what I consider as semi-rural place AND rising house prices!) and move to two different locations. She would move into a rural country house in some other state (doesn’t like the flat nature of our state) and I move to a small condo near my work. The plan is that I would then commute to her once in a while. On the face of it, its not a bad plan. But it made me feel uneasy as she changed from demanding divorce to thinking ‘lets sell his house, take half his money and move to a place of my liking!’ I see the financial advantage from her side with me covering cost of living, health insurance, pets costs, etc.
I wonder what you guys think. Am I being taken for a ride?, or perhaps with this arrangement we could recover this marriage somehow. Like they say ‘absence makes the heart go fonder’

PS I know for sure that she is not having an affair. However, if she moves out, there is no guarantee that this will continue to be the case.

Al,

I don't have a lot of answers or suggestions for you. Sounds to me like I am struggling with some of what you describe. I have a thread going right now that may interest you some : http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...e=0&fpart=1

I've gotten some advice over there that has really helped me out. Maybe it can help you too.

Not in your case...

Absence extinguishes small passions and increases great ones, as the wind will blow out a candle, and blow in a fire.

Don't give her a new house away from you.

What were those cruel remarks you read about yourself in those emails she wrote to friends?

Al,

Absolutely under no circumstances would I agree to this arrangement.

Sounds like geographical happiness to me. I will tell you that usually when that is the case there are underlying issues.

Now what happens if you do all of this then your W decides it isn't going to work?

That is always a possibility so I would prepare for it.

The other question is how is living in two separate houses going to benefit your M?

I will remain your W as long as I don't have to live with you. I will remain your wife as long as you pay my bills.

Um I would consider the what's in it for me priciple here.

What benefit do you get from this arrangement?

Sounds like she wants a benefactor not a husband. JMVHO.

Slick50,
That thread is very interesting indeed! I am still not even half way through. It sounds like the story of my marriage.

Pieta,
Lets just say they were some cruel remarks, and slagging me off in front of her friends and telling total untruths. I can't bear cruelty. If this relationship was just a friendship, I could simply walk out and that would be the end of it. But marriage is sacrilegious and ending it is the ultimate failure for me. Not sure if I even want to live after that!

"It hurts when your spouse is only there for your money. Only yesterday she was discussing my life insurance. She thinks it may not be sufficient for her after my death."

Um, this scares me. Watch any Hitchcock movies lately?

Seriously, do not agree to a separation. It is just her “finding herself” excuse, first gear in leaving for good.

The cruel remarks are telling. I disagree it is not what she is feeling. Discounting someone’s feelings is a DJ, you know. It is indeed what she is feeling. But feelings change. You need to help her change her feelings.

My FWW put me down for years during her VLTA - to everyone. She used to get off on snubbing me in front of friends and in public. And this does not even include the things she wrote about me in email to OM. (I don’t go there anymore- way too painful.)

It was what she felt, for real.

Then.

Hurt like H, too.

Then.


Either your W is in an affair, even if just an EA, or she is bipolar or something. Is her disability emotional related?

You need more intel.

With prayers,

ed: Why did she marry you in the first place?

May be. But I think its more to do with her difficult upbringing than anything else. The marriage counselor told me that because of the issues in her upbringing, she developed in to some kind of a control freak.

She said that she married me 'because she thought she found the man she would spend the rest of her life with'
I tried to adjust to her life style and even the marriage counselor acknowledged that.
Yesterday, I had a long chat with her dad, who happens to be a good friend of mine. He assured me that these difficulties have nothing to do with me and that they would have occurred with any husband she has. She doesn’t seem to know what she wants to do in her life.
I still have feelings towards her and want to return to the 'good old days'. I think that she genuinely wants to live a simple life of seclusion in the middle of a total rural place, with no people in sight. I think it’s a life of fantasy and out of touch with reality. She often berates me about my dedication to my work, which is after all, our source of survival. I just thought that with this arrangement, I could concentrate on my work and career and may be dedicate the odd weekend with her. But I need to have some guarantees of the future and her intentions.

Well then, you may as well pursue a LS or a D and just keep her down on the farm as a friend with benefits kind of thing. Much better for you, don’t you think?

Can she see the fog in her berating you for your dedication to work and yet have financial security as her top EN?

Which brings me to the ENQ. Have her fill it out with you. It will reveal a lot about your options.

Seems she needs IC to deal with FOO, too.


"I still have feelings towards her and want to return to the 'good old days'." Hah. Don't make me laugh. It hurts. No such thing, you know. The good old days are always a rewrite of some kind. BS do it as much as WS.

Feelings are all you have when you don't have the facts.

With prayers,

Yet another twist in this screwed up marriage!
Now she says that if we move to the country,then I MUST move with her! She said she will never be able to survive without me! She has truned 180 degrees, from demanding divorce to demanding companionship. I can never understand the female brain .