Great work. Every time you work to avoid LB's there is like an internal muscle that gets more and more used to comunicate and act in a direct, open, respectulf way. I found useful to listening to MB radio program here on the site and re-reading from time to time what's a Love Buster: Angry Outburst, Disrespect Judgements, Independent Behavior.

About the coffe... At this stage don't go out of your way to do things for him or to include him in family activities. It gives him one more ocassion to reject you. At the same time, you have coffe enough for the two of you and maybe an empty cup near it.

You cook his favorite meals but don't offer them to him unless he's actually eating with the family.

It's a tricky situation, you keep being this wonderful LWP36 feeding the emotional needs of your husband that you can, in an indirect way.

Avoid talking to him unless for practical reasons by mail or phone.

Manage the Carrot and the Stick in a way he sees your positive changes without you telling him about them and at the same time, showing him that you are getting a life with happy activities.



It's normal that your head keeps going around and around. Try to make a plan. Write down all the things you are worried about, practical and emotional and maybe discuss it with your counselor. Once your get to a plan, write it down or memorize it and every time your mind tries to make you question yourself, read or repeat internally what are the actions of your plan.



I don't see much contradictions between these four points. You might take as much time as you need and can take before arriving to a decision.
From now on you and your lawyer must have an action plan ready to face different escenaries, LSA, divorce, RO, yes Restrain Order, put on him or you.

LSA might be an option that gives you time while securing your financial situation but only if your finances or future material wellbeing is threated.

LWP36, you may feel the impulse and the social pressure to end the marriage as soon as possible; Just remember that divorce is not going to end your pain, the pain will stay there for a long while after you divorce. Working for your marriage is less effort and pain than divorce, at this point.

Months or years <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />, after this you may decide to fill for divorce because you are ready, head and heart in sync but not right now.

Because of the critical moment you are living, in which every decision could have an impact in the outcome of the marriage I suggest you to contact the Harley's, Steve Harley. His point of view will not be in conflict with your counselor, I think, because he does coaching more than therapy and he can help you to desing an action plan with more precision.



I understand how hard is too remain calm and unaffected in front of your husband LB's and rude words and behavior. Try to avoid all the situations that drag you to be in front of confrontation with him. Here the 180 list comes handy. No more relationshìp discussions. When you have to say to him that you are not going to mediate, word it in a way that expresses that you don't want to divorce, without Love busters. Don't say things like: 'I don't see why I have to be a single mother just because you want to go out with OW'
When you say you don't want to mediate, do it when there is not much time for him to keep hammering you emotionally.

When he is not civil to you repeat in your mind that he's following the script, all WS in his situation do the same, it's not you, it's him, don't give weight or credit to his emotional reactions. Keep civil, keep direct, short interactions. Sometimes we tend to minimize the impact of our own short commings, read in this page about the 4 tools of negotiation.

Don't follow him around the house, don't tell him you love him, don't reason with him, don't put yourself in situations to be rejected. When he has the children you can go out to have a coffe hiper groomed or just sexy. Start to make yourself note by your absence.



You got it right ! Now if being right there makes him confrontational, make yourself unavailable for a little while but if you can have family interactions with out agression, then go for it. You are his wife, it's ok to deal with him as your husband, just don't offer yourself to him. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />

I'm sorry I repeat my self but at this point you shouldn't push the envelope of the couple romantic love, but the family concept. The respect he gets by being a father and a man that takes care for his family.

Don't overdo your actions, keep light, cheerful, funny. Smile, laugh.

There are two points of plan A you may want to keep in mind, it's to make of you a better wife and a better woman, you work on your deficiencies in the marriage but you work also on yourself. It's not a pretense. Plan A should make you stronger in case you have to face the divorce.

Plan A without exposure is not plan A, is, as you said, being a doormat. What have you decided about contacting OW's BS?

Don't duel on the things you think you have done wrong. Keep learning, to make sustainable changes you really have to keep feeding your mind and your heart. Read Love Must be Tought by Dr. Dobson. HNHN, Love Busters, Dr. Harley.

Consider calling Dr. Harley's, you won't know what they are about until you talk to them and surely it will be cheaper than going on without professional marriage coaching.

All in all I see you progressing, I'm your fan, keep going.
<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

PS I have learnt an awful lot from LovingAnyway. Sometimes her words are like a light over my head. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

I agree w LR - make his fav food but don't offer it to him. If he asks for some then graciously give him a taster, leave him wanting more.


This is natural and will pop up now and then even when you feel in control of your end.


When I was like this my therapist suggested I choose a cartoon object to see my WS as. I chose Baby Taz, She agreed it was a good one for me. So when he would be mean, instead of thinking it waS ABOUT ME, i remembered that babt Taz is always growling and it is his character, nothing to do with the person hearing it. This helped me to keep disconected from his frustration and fog speak.

Linda

Hi to all the Wonderful MB Folks,

[color:"red"]He has moved out...went to mediate our first "on paper" negotiation...called the police on him when he was in my home and refused to leave...started student teaching...returned from vacation day before kids started school...he has had relentless criticism...attempted to put a purchase offer in on a house (WS not being helpful here at all!!!!...looks like it I might loose that opportunity)...had our "kid" talk and trying that out this week...so much at once and I'm feeling whopped!!! My car broke down Monday before school and wouldn't be fixed until Friday after school. Parents want to help but just won't stop with the constant questions...they have been so helpful but whoa..back off. Anyway one of my dogs invisible fence collars was lost so she needed special attention...lots of "piles" in the kitchen...walking on leach....I hardly know where to start only TGIF!!!! Friends are calling and I'm so in need of calming catch-up time...I can't even respond to their calls...I'm just in go, go, go. AND THEN he says...when I get a "bonus" or large attorney fee "settlement" I don't think I should give you the full 25%....HUH?????....I'm sorry folks...talk about losing my patience....this guy in unbelievable!!! Take me to court then...see what you can get...and I won't work either then buddy...seeing how you "set me up!!!" If he wants to play dirty...so will I!!! [/color]


It isn't looking so good for the marraige right now. I've started to settle..big time with my WS. I'm really needing and ready to move on.

Well I'm up in the middle of the night with a minor anxiety attack that I'm talking away...I'm ready for slepe already...I'm convinced this man is so done with me it isn't funny.

I called the police on him: I've had it with the verbal abuse... Saturday he said in a non-threat way, just a revealing way..."I've been so frustrated, you're lucky that I haven't killed you." Sunday he came over and I let him in the house because "he wanted to visit with the kids" instead he caught one of my boys eating candy under his sheets and (which had happened before and he could of cared less) and he immediately found me and with wrapper in hand shook it in my face and started in on a verbal attack...I said "you will go visit with the kids or you will leave...your not here to criticize my parenting." He said he wouldn't leave and continued his attack...I warned him twice I would call the police if he choose not to leave voluntarily...he jumped on the counter and started swinging his legs...rubbed his hands together and said..."I'm ready for this go ahead."

So I did.

Now he and his parents are so "wounded" that I would do such a thing. I'm done...DONE...I'm not taking his criticism...harrassment anymore...he is darn lucky I haven't started getting an order of protection and temp. custody...he is nutz. Now he says...he has to look and see if he can "afford" our settlement...

after all he put me through...and now he is going to do his research?!?!?!?!

unbelievable

At least he has now agreed to call before coming over...I've got money coming in the acct. every Fri. and we're switching the kids every other week...We're finding with his schedule already 3 out of his last 4 nights they were with me anyway because he had night meetings....yes I have to do all child care too right now mostly...which is actually not something to complain about only food, laundry, discipline, homework...all that...is more work and responsibility...on an already unbelievablle week.

I'm tellig you...If there is such things as running a marathon for days...this is it!!!!

Oh being bi-polar...my WS sits down at the kitchen table before we have a settlement and says...."are you ok? afternoons seem so difficult for you."....all of this was insincere...just letting me know he thinks I'm weak and feeble...I'm telling you...I'm going back to sleep...I'm exhausted....so much so...I'm having fitful sleep.

sweet and sour days....

just checking in

To All the lovely MB folks,

What a crazy week...I'm starting to catch my breath. My DS's are with my WS at my IL's home which is where he is residing for now.

He didn't even look at me at the soccer game today. I can't yet...I'm barely tolerating him. I think of all that I've been through.

The biggest thing is that I was soooo naive. How will I not be naive in another relationship. How will I trust...really trust again?

I'm not afraid to be alone and take care of myself...I've been pretty much doing that for some time anyway...I like the "idea...fantasy" of loving, respectful comapionship...but knowing that most men's #1 need is SF how will I ever survive out there.

I feel like I'm out of date...an old fashioned fuddy duddy...kinda...would anyone think that was fresh, new, and exciting...I don't want to feed feelings of loneliness...and I certainly don't long for my WS anymore...

Anyway...things are calming down. I have distaste for him right now and I'm actually looking forward to moving on with my life without him...except as my children's father. Now that I thought we were well on our way to a settlement and I'd be moving into a new smaller more manageable home...he says...wait...I've got to see if I can afford this

duh!!!!???!!!!

I thought your SF had an intelligence that surpassed all this minor stuff honey....those things will work themselves out...just go visit OW and ease your troubles....

a little bitter...

so what.

I'll move on...but he doesn't deserve my respect...oh it is so hard to pretend...when you just don't "feel" it....ha, ha, ha, ha, o, ha, ha...

phbpt! on him! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

I suppose that wasn't a good post...I'm stepping outside my personal goals for self improvement...and focusing on what "he has done to me"...only if I give him permission...well I'm not really feeling any better but at least I'm sleepy...I'll go to bed and get a jump on making the home all nice and tight for my DS's who I get tomm. at 5...for a week.

Well just checking in again.

I'm getting the house ready for my DS's

I'm even stupidly, stupidly, stupidly, stupidly wondering if I should stay in this house for a while with my DS's and this arrangement....and see if I can wait out the affair.

I still think this marraige is probably over anyway, even w/out the OW...this guy is no man I know anymore. He is so capable of deceit, lies, mockery, hate, blame, selfishness...he is disgusting to me. Though I kinda long for his arms...or some other mans arms around me...a broad back...someone I can snuggle with...someone I can hold...someone who can hold me....I look at his back through his t-shirt and I think how much I came to love him. It breaks my heart.

Anyway...enough of that...I'll find a new man to love, cherish and make him feel wonderful someday...someone who will love me too.

it is kinda sad...but gotta get back up again...time is ticking and my babies are watching...this is the only light I get...and I'm going to let it SHINE.

I hope someone likes my light enough to want to be in it....I hope I find someone's that I want to be in....

Sun's out...at least I have God's light...which is most likely all I need...the rest is just icing on the cake.

Just a nudge, LWP...not a bash, 'k?

Loving yourself...focusing on noticing all the things you love about yourself...and embracing those things you don't...finding out why they are in you, would be an awesome gift to give you...instead of looking to others.

Because hoping that someone likes your light enough to be in it holds no choice...and what you inherently have all the time, is your own choice.

Standing in our own shadows, walking in our light, gives us a different life than we thought was possible.

I found in me a lot of longing for others was longing for self...my real self, not the image I made up to get others to love me...

May sound silly, but each time I longed for WH's arms...I hugged myself, physically, mentally and emotionally...got hugs from God spiritually...

Snuggled around myself, poured those loving acts I chose for my kids and my WH onto myself, too...I just included me on my list...

And this helped me stayed centered in reality, not fantasy...which is what I self-soothed with all my life.

LA

So glad you are keeping posting, this is a hard and yet wonderful transition for you. The stillness of not having WS living in the house, the chance to regroup yourself and like LA says, find all those wonderful things about you that you can now concentrate on bringing to the surface more and more. You are a person with a beautiful generous soul. I saw this when you reached out to me with so much empathy. Others questioned my pain, you sent me healing. Now do this for you, see the amazing woman you are.

Your WS will go into some kind of fog frenzies still, as he has to face what he has created. Stay firm in what is best for you and the boys. Let some of his inflicted pain out in your art - great therapy! Bring some cadmium and titanium into play make it the lightening of change, and then some soothing cobalts, ultramarines, ceruleans into the greens of peace and calm. Use your natural skills to exorcise this situation. I did this when I couldn't work on the commission I so wanted to do, when the pain seared me and I allowed it to bring me low, so I am trying to appeal a fellow artist who so comforted me in terms that were special to me.

Use that wonderful skill to express the pain from outside and to nurture in yourself the beauty and strength that is inside.

Linda

LA,

Thanks. I appreciated the nudge and am relaxing and enjoying myself more and more. Great words at a very appropriate time.

Linda,

Thank you for such encouraging thoughtful words. Your gift has been recieved and I enjoyed it immensely.

Today..some time past my last post I feel wonderful...this time I've spent in my home w/out that chip, chip, chipping has been soooo nice. I swear everyday I feel better. I'm enjoying student teaching so much right now.

My 14 yr. old wrote me a love note...he hadn't done that in over 2 years...my 11 year old is doing well too...we all seem happier.

Met with the mediator again...Things aren't changing much...He wants to give me $100,000.00 and his 401k of $30,000 and child support...and then nothing else, I move out of the marital home...He argues he will have $224,000 in debt...I don't know...I think asking for some spousal support while I get loans to put myself through grad school to become an art therapist...I just don't think is fair yet...if any one wants to comment..please do.

I'm inclined to sit still and stop thinking about this for a while and wait and see if he comes up with some more ideas other than threatening litigation all the time. He is the one living with his parents and possibly being pressured by OW. Who knows...a part of me is wondering why he isn't working harder at making or cutting a deal with me. I think he is lazy or something.

LWP !

It's so good to hear from you.

You may want to visit TKO thread for some laughs.

[quote...Things aren't changing much...He wants to give me $100,000.00 and his 401k of $30,000 and child support...and then nothing else, I move out of the marital home...He argues he will have $224,000 in debt... ...if any one wants to comment..please do. ...

I'm inclined to sit still and stop thinking about this for a while and wait and see if he comes up with some more ideas other than threatening litigation all the time. [/quote]

I really think that within you are the answers you seek. So when he comes up with what you need, you will hear your own calm voice accepting and it will do so without any thought or turmoil. So yes, be still as far as mediation is concerned and give him all the time he needs to find an offer that works for you.

Meanwhile, grow some wings, (large for the flying of) and fly here, so we can paint the fall beauty on one great swathe of colour, sip fruit teas and eat warm scones, dripping with butter.

No wings? Hmmm - well just close your eyes and join me here any time you feel like it ... *smile*

I too, am biding my time between onslaughts - freely allowing me to feel loved and loving and allowing him to find his way to the same. It is not always easy, but always comes - reading some of LA's posts is inspirational - lifts me back into my own strength.

Linda

larousee,

Nice to see you here. Laughter is the best medicine.

Silverpool,

Thank you so much for the color and visions...relaxing is difficult this morning and it is so nice to see this post.

AH!

Hi all you wonderful MB folks!!

Frustration! My ws and I had a temp. agreement that we had worked out for the present until a LSA was drawn up...it basically looks like this:

-The kids are with him every other week
-I receive $1,250.- in the checking acct. every week
-He calls before coming over and entering marital home which is where I presently reside and he does not.

Well I withdrew $1,000.- dollars out of the checking acct. and he refuses to deposit the $1,250.- until he can have "assurance" that it is being spent on "household" items. This is blackmail and I can't reward this negative behavior. He has the kids...and when I called at 8:30pm to say goodnight to them he said he wouldn't put them on the phone until I talked to him about this. Can I tell you how upset this made me feel????? Here he has the kids and the cash??? This isn't fair or working out. I'm trying so hard to be mature here. He broke our agreement.

Not that I won't discuss the $1,000 withdrawal or the way cash is being spent but he doesn't withold funds and contact with the children. I'm so angry yet I'm not doing anything rash. I even sent him an email trying to explain how I would explain everything in a respectful manner in mediation and to please return to his agreement. He refuses and just mocked me.

This man is no man. I'm sick, sick, sick... he can't be trusted. I'm angered by his antics and right now he has the boys and the money. How will I get my justice? I'm sorry but this is baloney all the patient mediation...there is a part of me that just wants to nail this cheater, scondrel to the wall and take him for all he is worth. He is disgusting and he should be taught a lesson.

So here I am.

Just ask him in what form he wants the information about the cash. Sound calm - act as if it is reasonable, remember he is in a tail spin, due to your moving away from him emotionally, he can't play you anymore. He has suffered loss of control in the mediator's office. this behaviour shows he is weak and trying to push you.

He wouldn't do this if he were happy and calm and content - he is using the tools he has to hurt you, do not let him see you are bothered, just ask him to give the boys your love and say goodnight with a smile. Take the wind out of his sails.

He wants you upset and will do the lowest scummiest things he can think of. He wants to push you into cycling, so he will look cool and calm and you will look out of control.

Step back and see how desperate he is getting - and we all know he is good at scummy - he is dating her!!

You can do this - we are all with you, and you can email me or talk on the phone on my dime if you need to let it out to a human voice .... sometimes it helps.

LindaBB

Dear Silverpool,

It was so nice to see your strong words here this morning. I'm concerned that I'm off emotionally now and I have to right myself.

I need to do a few things for me right now that I know make me feel better. Clean and picked up house...excercise...the right foods...friends...and clean up my all my schooling and get my portfolio ready for interviewing.

I know he would like everything on his time table. I'm just not so sure yet that this settlement is just right for me. I'm concerned that I may not land a teaching job...and I would be on my own. He wants to cut me off of spousal support after one year if he gives me a cash settlement. I'm concerned. There is risk...and I'm worried. I would feel better if I had a job or more money or he said he would give me even a discount on some spousal support until I found a job...he is just saying NO. The cash settlement is nice and makes a lot of sense for me...it's just not all together right. I don't know. The mediator says chances are I'll never get rid of all anxiety. I don't know, I just don't know. I need to think about other things too....like a house...what kind...and my only option may be to build...my WS doesn't want to discuss any of this with me. He says he just doesn't care and next step is litigation he has an attorney waiting and is ready to go..."I've seen his final offer."

It's good I guess if I land a job ASAP...the market is flooded with teacher's. Oh boy.

He is soooooo negative. I refused to discuss anything until he deposited the $1,250. into my bank acct. in mediation. He has agreed to continue this deposit and I'll be getting a seperate checking account.

Thanks for being there.