Good morning LWP,

good to see you.

Before I comment on your post I wanted to tell you that there's and Art teacher on TKO tread, Nam, she's a clay teacher. I don't know if you already choose your professional path but I just thought to tell you about her.

(((LWWP)))

I read the last posts.

I'm very sorry things have come to this.

I've no legal experience at all, much less in your country but I have the impression that you should not agree to divorce in mediation if you don't want to divorce. It seems so wrong that you are being pushed to do that against your desires and well being.

Could it be that one part of you wants to acomodate to what your comunity, relatives in law and friends think is the right behavior during marital difficulties and divorce demands?

Frankly I see your husband as a bully and no matter what he says, there is a law and you have access to an atorney too, haven't you?

Have you consulted Mr. Wondering lately?

Thanks Larousse for the supportive words. I'm sorry too.

I'm overcome sometimes lately with feelings of sadness. It isn't like it was where I just want to cry and I feel so naked. I'm just sad. Not depressed...just sad.

I can usually push these feeling out and refocus on what is positive about who I am, who I was, and who I will become. I still get sad though.

I'm sure that will go away with time. Well I hope. I'm trying to take care of myself. Better and better. It isn't always easy. I have some anxiety about my future. I can feel so unsure and frankly...I'm going to say it...I feel a little scared...

Though I could cry with all the love and support that I've recieved from folks. This is so hard some days. Change isn't always easy and I'm trying to be as graceful as possible.

Thank the lord for children. I'm so lucky that I get to be with them during my day. Someone said to me yesterday...they're little angels...they are. I'm fortunate to be in their presence....when you come through something like this it is so true that even the most fragile, "learning disabled," child has equal value to the one who is the "perfect" teacher's pet.

I do thank the lord for being able to give, love, and see through such eyes. Though I do not truly understand how to let the anger, negative, abusive remarks bounce off me or go through me without feeling some pain...there is a part I don't fathom

WHAT DID I DO..? I'M Bipolar, I played victim, I became passive and complacent?...ok....I've worked to change this behavior with in me so, one could argue too late...however why all the venom. I don't understand the depth of his anger... I feel as though if he could he would have me destroyed.

I'm not innocent...but in this present situation (iving at his folks, involved with OW, giving me 80% of his paycheck) I feel like he is standing there on fire screaming at me "PUT IT OUT!!!!! PUT IT OUT !@#$%^!!!!!!"

Yet if I do then all my power is gone..it is over...his fire is out but I could be floating down the river in a boat without an oar headed for a waterfall...he won't care at that point...he isn't on fire and he is comfortable.

Ugh.

All in a day.

Hello LWP,

How are you doing?

Miss you. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

Hi Larousse,

I'm doing well, thank you. You're kind to remember me. I've been having a much better end to my week my youngest DS is too. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I visited my bank and my WS can go in and have his name and access removed from our account permanently. I'm feeling more in control and the feeling of being safe is returning.

I really have been enjoying myself being a student teacher. It has been so rewarding. I was able today to actually introduce an idea I had for the school to increase the amount of hours the students read each day. I made the pitch in front of a person who would have a huge say in whether or not I was to get a job within this school.

I was so excited when after the meeting she pulled me aside and said I want to discuss this idea of yours with you some more. I'm thrilled. I went right home and sent her an email that had some self promotion in it. One could argue that this letter that I sent could make or break my future in this school. I excited at the prospect. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> who knows...but it could...hee, hee, hee. Having a job...securing one...would be KEY, KEY, KEY to my MOVING ON!!!!

Anyway...I've been selling myself...putting my best out there...taking chances and planting seeds...and waiting to see if they grow.

Tonight my kids are having their friends sleep-over and watching a movie and eating pizza...I'm happy and satisfied tonight. I'm doing ok.

My best to you...
au revoir...for now

Yahooooooo!!!!!!!!!

I just got a response via email from my possible future employer...she wants to talk about a possible work up model...:);)

WEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!

Oh yeah, Oh yeah...it's my b-day, it's my b-day...


Also..I wanted to add that I haven't made actual contact with my WS in a while...I'm going semi-dark. I hope someday to be completely dark. I dreamed about him just moments ago. He was trying to touch me sexually in my dream and I wasn't angry...but I wouldn't "have" him. In my dream I just felt sorrow and pity for him but absolutely nothing remotely like passion, love, or even a glimmer of being turned on...just nothing...he even tried to look down my shirt (an old stupid trick of his to show he was interested)...my emotions didn't stir at all only to think that...nope...nothing here is for you anymore...

Guess I'm recovering on a deeper level as well...must be why I was able to laugh really really hard the other day...harder than I had in several years...my sides and cheeks hurt. Felt great!!

I'm feeling closer to moving on...what a process, what a process...and it is bumpy...It has been wonderful to have the smiles of people within this school system of people I quite well...cheering me on.

God is good.

Dear wonderful MB folks,

Here I am back to the house and $ talk. UGH. I'm trying to mediate a settlement here and ugh. I just don't think it is quite enough or the arrangement has a little too much risk.

GRRRR.

My spouse and mediator I think are about to quit on me...the mediator may say he has done all he can while...meanwhile my spouse may just litigate. Ugh. I wish I could just get some more $ so I can move into a home that I'm used to living in...and it actually would be downsizing by 1/2 the size. I think my request is fair. Bother.

How to make an arguement that he can "afford." He also wants me out in 365 days...this may have to stick but the $ issue I just might not be able to swing it especially if I'm not employed! I'll be able to have temp. work...its just...grrr! My mind can't seem to get around all this and then if I say it can't quite work...my WS has said next step is litigation.

Brother.

Well I guess no lawyer or judge will let him not be accountable over the next 7 years for making sure that I'm in reasonable shelter with food etc.

So if he has to litigate because he is so hard nosed then...the chips will fall where they may...I'm not going to get jipped.

It seems to me it may be a matter of another $30,000. I just can't be sure. My mediator and I will meet with an accountant away from my spouse...thankfully.

My mediator told my spouse he thought he was doing the best he could...but his negativity was muddying the water. Its just that my spouse continues to drive his SAAB and live in this gorgeous home.

My spouse suggested I live in a duplex. I was offended. Just because I'll have no debt. I guess that is what mediation is about...what's the deal. Hmmm. Is it really win-win...I believe he still gets all the "class and amenities" so to speak...I'll have no debt or very little...nor will I have any sizeable income...I just don't know. A buyout for $100,000. plus $30,000 401k and the marraige is over. Spousal support for one year...just bones, thats all.

I presently have NO income. I will be employable in Jan. for being a teacher...but who knows if I'll get a job right away. I'm worried...a little stressed about it...and yes I would like resolution too.

The mediator seems to think I might get the same in the end going through the courts. I'm suspicious. Maybe he is saying this because I wouldn't back down on the 25% on income on child support even if my spouse gets a "bonus."

Just checking in...

This stinks...

How my life is changing. I do and don't like it. I'm alone. My old life doesn't fit here anymore...and what is it going to look like.

I'm a bit afraid.

and I just hate him and the OW...sometimes.

I just do.

Go and paint the hate out - get it out - don't let it sink in and turn to grief. Do something that screams anger. When you have finished, go make yourself a nice cup of tea and get some tissues and let the tears flow.

Hug yourself until you feel the pulse in your fingers and then take 36 deep breathes, then you will be strong and calm.

If you want to begin to write that plan B letter begin. Pare it down to the bone - elegantly crafted in few words. He expects to cause pain and upset, plans to push you to cycle.

Care for you and enjoy the design of your plan B letter - even if you are not ready to send it yet, begin and use this time to draft and re-draft.

He is on the run, that is why he is getting worse, remember, the more he digs in his heels, the more frightened he is. See him as a nasty little tasmanian devil, who is always growling. not as someone thoughtful or powerful who can harm you.

Be strong, I am sending loving vibes your way.

Linda

Hello dear LWP36,

You sound so much stronger. It's normal that you 'hate' the persons responsable for this horrendus damage inflicted to your family and to you. Fortunately the hate feeling subsides with time.

I had a relationship with a man when I was too young. We lived 8 years together. It took all my strenght to leave him. I had wanted to leave him because I realized he could never be a real partner to me, he was too 'damaged' by his experiences as an orphan. It was not until he was batlanty infiel that I could leave him. It took all my strenght and I got nothing financially.

Even today from time to time I wonder if I could have done something different in the financial aspects. I could have negotiate something. All in all I think the experiences that I had thanks to the fact that I was no longer with him were worth the financial security I could have gained if I had stayed.

LWP, our situations are very different but one thing I would like to tell you is that you can negotiate and you have power, you just don't feel it completely.

Please don't hesitate to stall things if you are not sure of your decisions. His anger and his apparent disgust towards you will subside. It has nothing to do with you as a person, althought it may see like that right now.

After I was gone like half a year my XSO, ex significant other, lol, came around. If I had done something to show him I was still interested, we may have gotten back. Fortunately, after the initial fear of facing life on my own, I was able to overcome my irational sensation that I could not make it without him.

Anyway,

I hope you keep feeling stronger and stronger.
Congratulations about your teaching experiences. You have so much to give.

!Bonjour! larousse,

Thank you for telling me I sound stronger. I'm starting to feel it more and more. I want all of the strength I have to feel...found. I'm learning how to take care of myself better everyday for myself. I'm liking it.

I do have feelings of hate and I can't imagine taking him back for a trillion, kabillion, infinite amount of money. It would take a complete and total labotomy I think. I've asked him only to contact me via email.

He sent me an email last night: "Did you find DS's shin guards?" That was all....this was my response: "You failed to inform me that they were missing so your question is odd and as you know lacks proper form and respect. You will have to ask DS. I don't plan on informing you time and again that when you write or speak to me in a negative, condescending and disrespectful manner that I have absolutely no intention of appeasing you. I will simply not answer."

BOOO YAHHH!!!!

I really appreciate you telling me to stall things until I feel all my power. I want to and I'm darn near there. I'm about to blast him with it. Enough with the "this is all I'm going to do or else court" junk...from what I understand I deserve more....

So "STAND DOWN if this is a discussion/negotiation and start discussing and negotiating or Slap your $10,000 for your attorney buddy. Let's go!"

Give me what I'm worth as I continue to discuss my self and what I deserve...or I'll have to take it.

LWP,

I know your WS has not saved you any ocasion to put you under a bad light or make fun of you BUT no matter what he has done in the past, you have to keep your answers to him respectful and to the point. Neutral.

Please remember that your e-mail comunications and voice mails could be used during divorce court.



His mail to me seems abrubt but not negative, condescending and disrespectful. Maybe what's happening is that you keep to vivide memories of all his ofenses and you are reading bad intentions when there are not. To me his mail sounds more a test to get some 'comunication with you. Your answer seems too negative.

I comment you this just because I care, I may have missed the point.

I hope you are well.

LWP,

I'm popping in to support Larouse's post...

"I don't plan on informing you time and again that when you write or speak to me in a negative, condescending and disrespectful manner that I have absolutely no intention of appeasing you. I will simply not answer."

BOOO YAHHH!!!!"

You stated you saw his single question email as disrespectful, and as a boundary enforcement, you will not reply to those...but you did. Reality says, you're crossing yourself here...what's your boundary enforcement for you, when you don't live up to your own standards?

Part of healing, knowing your real power as a human being from the false power or false powerlessness...takes you defining your standards and boundaries (they must match) and what those predetermined, progressive enforcements are for you.

Balance yourself, LWP...what you will not do to others, you will not do to yourself...and what you do to others, you most certainly with do to yourself...

LA

Hi larousse and LA,

You both are so sane.

Lately I've not been so angry anymore, I still feel pain though...I want my boys with me more...this every other week thing I don't like...I miss my husband. I want my husband back. Why this is so hard to accept. Will I ruin my life trying to win someone over and not accept the end.

It is so hard...the other day I thought I could never take him back...now I feel like if he walked in the room crying and said my name...I would hear it in his voice and know if he was back.

Well it is a daydream. One that brings tears to my eyes. I can daydream I guess but then I need to snap back to reality...and focus on what I have control over.

I'm going to try harder to be courteous with him. He is so confounding negative with me though. He looks at me and sees black...it hurts so much.

Why if I give him love and respect he doesn't give it back?

I do have power...I just must accept, accept, accept.

I've been having headaches...I think my bipolar part of me has turned it up a notch. This stinks. Anyway...I can be sad...feel it...then go do something nurturing.

I wrote on my memo board in the kitchen...Take Care Of Yourself...seems stupid but I need to remind myself of that. I can be good at giving advice but not listening to my own and following through.

God bless, you're fine people.

Hi,

When we react in like manner to a cruelty or a lack of sensitivity and the same mind, it hurts us.

What we do and say only speaks to who we are, so when we echo anothers action, we speak to ourselves of the same action. If it is negativism we see and echo then we speak to our soul in a negative way about ourselves.

When we respond at out highest level, then we speak of ourselves, to ourselves at our highest level and this is comforting and reassuring to us in the face of hurt or neglect.

Your frustration and weariness and pain caused you to respond to WH's email with less than your highest self, that sent a negative message from you to yourself, that may be why BP is triggered.

When I learned to respond from my highest self, it made a huge difference to my inner peace and strength.

So remember all WH says and does, speaks to him only, it does not describe you in any way.

The way you are to him, or others, speaks only of you and your spirit. Let your response to him show your loving, kind, empathic, beauty.

Never be drawn by his lack of lustre to stop shining from your beautiful soul.

Linda