Tomorrow is the first Marital Counseling session.

After my wife's first affair (5 years ago) I went to Individual Counseling because she refused to attend. The counselor and I worked through some significant territory, but after 4 or 5 sessions agreed we couldn't do much more without her participation.

After D-Day on her second physical affair I didn't seek counseling. She made it clear she had not desire to go. I should have gone. I had no one to talk to and dealt with the emotions/anger/fear on my own. BIG MISTAKE.

Now, finally, after D-Day of her emotional affair and continued contact with last physical affair, she agrees to go.

I filled out a questionairre for the counselor (my wife has yet to complete hers) and listed "Lack of Trust" as my major concern. We have both committed to restoring/renewing our marriage, but I wrote that either we find a way to restore trust or we can't go on married. My wife hasn't seen this because I want her to fill hers out without knowing what I wrote.

I'm happy she's finally going to attend and know it's the only path forward for us.

I'm worried that she won't go through with suggestions the counselor makes. She read some of the material he sent which listed some of the techniques he uses and she has already identified things she "won't do".

I'm scared that the pain and discomfort of (in her words) "re-hashing the past" will drive her away from me. I have a lot of issues I need her to hear and address -- she thinks I should be over it by now.

I'm nervous that when I state (again) that I want her to leave her job and possible contact with the OM behind, she'll bolt.

I'm committed to either restoring our marriage or moving on with my life without her. I'm not going to let her threaten or brow-beat me this time into accepting anything less than full recovery or divorce.

And that scares me.

Help? Thoughts? Experience?

Thanks

My thoughts are that if you are committed to what you said above, you can't go wrong.

Being wishy washy with our boundaries is where people get the idea that they can treat us anyway they want.

When she is committed to your marriage, she will do whatever she needs to do to restore trust, her life will be an open book to you.

And until then, what you allow is what you get.

So be firm in what you need/want for your marriage and don't settle for less...

Seems like the "fence sitter" type waywards jump on board when they finally see that the BS means business. In other words when you get it, I mean really, really get it, she will get it as well.

Good luck at the session Artor and let us know how it goes.

Thank you, weaver, for the encouragement.

I have no one around me to discuss this with and to bounce feelings/thoughts against. I talk to myself alot because I'm the only one, beside my wife, to whom I'm still speaking in this state that knows about her affairs.

I admit to being nervous and apprehensive about how things will go in counseling. I will provide an update afterward.

I appreciate everyone's support.

Artor,

Well, I think you are looking through the wrong end of the telescope Artor. She has had three affairs and affair #2 continues. It seems to me clear boundaries are going to solve your problem. She will finally commit to work on the marriage or she won't. If she does you have a chance of rebuilding your marriage and finding the person you married and loved. If she won't you have lost...NOTHING. And I mean this in the most severe form. Who you are married to NOW is not the woman you loved, love or married. She is lost and gone. If she won't find her way back, and it is HER decision to do so, then you should be gone.

My point is you cannot lose anything either way, except a dead corpse of a marriage the smell of which is making you sick. So go with confidence that you will survive. Go with the hope that she will in fact try and that means ending contact with OM. If she refuses, you are free of the corpse and rejoice in this.

I know this doesn't make you feel better but this is the reality of it. Gone are the days when a betrayed husband could make sure contact was ended until another life. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> So you just deal with YOUR boundaries knowing they are sound, reasonable, and required for a good marriage. Let her deal with her decisions.

Right now she is NOT the woman you married and the things you loved about that woman, may never overcome the woman she has become. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Do your best and then stand back and lead your life.

God Bless,

JL

Artor,

I am sorry to meet you here, but I am in the same boat with you.

You might try reading SAA if you haven't already, as well as other posted articles on this site. I am going through a similar situation with my WW. Trying to get NC and be sure it is actually working. Honesty is a huge problem at this stage.

I also understand not having anyone to talk to, I am the same way. The forums, books and articles do help. I never thought reading would help so much, but it does. Also, antidepressants work well too, just as a side note.

Hang in there man.

Thanks for the encouragement, DavyJones.

It's been a rough time, but I'm hoping that it will all be worth it someday.

I know how tough it is to go around every day with no one to talk to and working with people who don't know what's going on in your life. I sometimes find myself staring at my computer screen lost in thought.

We press on because we have to -- giving up isn't an option . . . moving forward in one direction or another is the only option.

Good luck to you.

Thanks for the feedback.

I very much might be guilty of looking through the wrong end of the scope or not taking the lens cap off.

My view on life, love and the world has been dramatically reshaped and shaken (not stirred).

I have seen the extremes of the woman I married and love and the evil W**CH that she becomes at times. When she's screaming how much she hates me and wants to leave, I've got a good idea which side is winning.

I, more so now then at any point in the past several years, have a freedom to choose. When my children were smaller, I felt bound by the need to protect them from all of this nastiness. Now, at 17 and 16, I think they can handle it so if it goes badly in counseling and she wants a divorce, I know it will hurt them, but they will survive. As will I.

Thanks

Artor,

Good for you. My FWW was very reluctant to go to MC as well.

Well after a lot of rough patches I disconnected, detached and went into a 180.

One day she came to me and wanted to know what I was thinking I said I am thinking either MC or a D. I didn't want this anymore. She said she would consider MC. I said I haven't decided which one I want yet.

She asked me what I meant. I said I need to decide if I want to go to MC to rehash the past and live through this again. I don't know if I can do that. She said so you want a D. I said I don't know yet I have to decide.

Well she went from not wanting to go to MC to wanting to go to MC. She is the one while I was thinking pushing me to go. She actually started looking them up and calling around.

At a certain point you have to do what is best for you as well. We went to MC on Weds.

What he said is he likes to save M's and that is his goal. However if it gets to a point that nothing works and the M is toxic then it is what it is. He will never say get a D but change has to be made.

Right now your M seems toxic to you and understandably so.

I like you stayed for the kids too. My children are younger then yours.

Right before counseling I said to her I could walk out the door today with my head held high. She said she could too. I just said that if there ever came a day that the kids asked why we got a D and I was absolutely honest with them would that bother you. She said why would you tell the kids. I said I don't want them to resent me for the broken home. That is part of the reason I can hold my head up high. Knowing I did everything I could to save this M because of the responsibility I have for them.

That opened her eyes a little too. If she told her side of the story and I told mine it is clear who really tried to save this M.

The other night at the MC it was great. A real eye opener to her I think

If she goes and it doesn't go well that was just another effort on your part. You should be applauded for even doing that. You have every right to walk out and keep your head up high. Just remember that.

Good luck. The weight will start lessening as you start dropping some of the baggage.

I like your approach (and the approach of your MC).

If my wife decides to stop attending MC then I will adopt your strategy. Make it clear I am contemplating divorce and see if it knocks some fog out of her pretty little head.

I hope to have many MC sessions like yours.

Thanks

Art,

Make sure to interview them first.

First are they Pro M.

I had a real eyeopener. I went to a site to look for one. I noticed Marriage and Family and I started looking around. Then I noticed they actually have Divorce Councelors. Well some were listed under both.

I thought what a great concept do MC then if you don't do a good job you get more business for your DC business. LOL.

My FWW I think is finally on board because I have come to the realization that our M as it exists is Toxic for me. It on the other hand was a mild irritent(sp) for her. It might cause a rash or something but it wasn't going to kill her. LOL.

She had no impetus for change. I chose not to make it Toxic for her so I had to make it not toxic for me as well.

It takes two to make an M work. You cannot do it yourself.

Keep your head up it will get better for you one way or the other.