One thing I have found out about relationships is somebody always gets hurt.I have lived with the pain of my husband for many years & after he moved in with another girl 3 years ago I was so crushed & all I could see was how much I loved him & how we should be a happy family.He came back & after time I started asking myself why did I let him back.
I was talking to my daughter recently & asked her if she remembered when daddy moved away & she said she did not remember.Things still are not good with my marriage & I really don't see a way out as he contols my every move.When I think about making any changes I always think of the kids & how they would feel.Sometimes I get so upset I think a divorce would be best but on the other hand I would hate to hurt my kids.Has anyone else stayed together & made it work for the kids sake?

Staying for the kids is valiant and often times the right thing to do in spite of current Hollywood babble that would have you think Marriages are to be discarded like yesterday's trash and that the "kids will be alright". They will not.

But, on the other hand why should you have to stay in a bad marriage. The answer is you don't! You need to be happy with yourself. You don't need your husband to make you happy and content and full of life. Don't count on him to do that. Throw off that demand to make someone else responsible for your happiness. Determine to make yourself and your children happy and joyful and if you husband wants to participate then great and if not leave him to his meager existence. Trust me your husband will notice. start reading self help books, change your hair, exercise, join a club, an organization, get involved in PTA, Church, etc. Make yourself happy and share that happiness with your children. In the end regardless of whether things work out with your husband or not you will like you a lot better.

Lastly, read the book His Needs/Her Needs by Dr. Harley and Love Must Be Tough by James Dobson twice cover to cover and then find a loving but firm way to communicate to your husband your feelings. No blaming, no accusing, just simply, I love you and I need you to know how I feel and I need to know how you feel so that we can build a great marriage together.

I don’t believe in staying for the kids. I think you want to stay if the environment is caring and nurturing and beneficial for EVERYBODY in the household. A family is like a body. If the arm hurts the whole body suffers. Sometimes when the body hurts the wounded part can be healed. As a last measure the injured part is amputated.

I find it sad you think somebody always gets hurt in a relationship. In a good marriage people willingly make concessions. Big difference.

So should you divorce him? I’m not too fond of divorce. I think that most relationships can be saved. Have the two of you made any serious efforts to do that? Is he willing to go to MC? On what terms did he move back home and how did you handle his infidelity?

I would advise you to not accept the present situation. Accept that D is an option but not necessarily the one you want. You do however want out of the present SITUATION as opposed to wanting out of the marriage.

Hi Disneygirl

I am not sure that when you agreed to reconcile with your FWH that you had clear understanding about what the issues were in your marriage before the affair and had a POJA to work on these issues. If you have let FWH return without any agreeement to work together on maker a better marriage, then I guess I am not surprised that you are feeling unhappy.

His needs/her needs by Harley as quoted by hopeandpray is a good starting point to find out what is important to you both and how successfully your partner is fulfilling your needs. If will give you a plan on what needs to be worked on. Of course your FWH needs to agree to do some work also.

One does not stay just for the kids

one stays FOR the kids and works hard to clean up his/her side of the marriage !

If one stays just for the kids he/she gives his/her self permission to remain emotionally stuck

If one stays FOR the kids, one gives his/her self permission to make the best of a not-perfect situation

so stay FOR the kids and make your marriage/family as good as it can be

once that decision is made, wallowing in one's resentments runs counter to maintaining one's integrity

IMO ..... if one stays FOR the kids, one forfets their right to sit back and complain about the past... because all of us are responsible for doing our very best within our marriage .... and clinging to old hurts beyond a reasonable grieving period is not doing one's very best!

Pep