In case you don't my background, my H had an A that produced an OC. OC is now 1.5 years old and I have never met OC, only seen pics. Right now H is in NC with OW/OC but the A dragged on for a looooong time with multiple false recoveries due to the OC situation.

My question here is, I guess, two phased. One can the BS ever really recover when her H has a child with the OW? A huge betrayal on top of the betrayal of the A itself.

Two, does the M really recover fully since with an OC you can never fully move through this to the point of almost "forgetting"? Even if we continued NC, the fact remains there IS a child and we will be paying CS for a long time, my IL's have C with OC/OW, my DD will possibly at some point be curious about her brother, and the OW will ALWAYS have an excuse to try to make contact.

Not sure right now what I am trying to get to here. It is possible I am weighing my options and trying to decide if the pain of this particular betrayal is worth going through forever to save my M. I fought so hard for so long and am now looking around at the aftermath and wondering if it really is repairable.

Faith,

I think only you can answer this question, it is really a matter of do you want to?

You have every right not to want to in my honest opinion. You may in fact not be able to stay in that marriage, but I think that if you really want to you can recover with an OC in the picture, provided your H gives you what you need to heal.

I know there are recovered couples on here with OC's (Kimmy of course, but others) who I hope can come on and talk to you.

I don't think it is impossible, and I don't think it is likely.

Strange answer, I realize.

Your situation is complicated by another couple of factors.... one of which is your evil MIL.

Pep

Weaver, I honestly think Kimmy is exceptional not norm. One because she has the heart of a giant and two because those two kids are living, breathing beings that she gets to love on. I am not afforded that priviledge.

I do understand it comes down to my choice of whether I can or want to recover AND if my H does all he can to give me what I need. I guess, I am looking for answers that perhaps are just not there.

I honestly would like to know, Pep, your thinking about why you think it is unlikely. I am not disagreeing with you or I would not have started this thread. It took all my courage to open this up for discussion.

Hi FF,

Just like the affair itself, every OC sitch can result differently. I think its failure or success hinges on the commitment made by both FBS and FWS to recovery, knowing going in it will be much more challenging because of the years of indirect contact with OW due to OC.

For me, my then-husband was adamant about non-participation in the OCs lives, but we of course paid CS. Then a few years down the recovery road, once my adultery-radar went dormant, he started secretly seeing the OCs ... with the added bonus of re-starting the affair with OW#2, all unbeknownst to me.

Did I fail to mention he blamed me for all those years of non-participation in the OCs lives? That was the bond he and OW shared, hating me for being the mean uncaring OC-hating wife who stole those precious years with his sons from him. Quite the nightmare.

So I guess what I'm trying to illustrate is do your best to know whats ahead of you. It won't be a cake-walk. If you haven't done so already, go to the pregnancy-child board and read/post. There's some very wise caring women and men there that have tribal knowledge about the OC sitch.

I will say that once I knew my H was seeing the OC, we both started participating as a family, and I fell in love with both boys as their step-mom. I loved them as my own. So that part was a blessing for those years before he left and divorced me for the OW.

God Bless,
Jo

Jo, that is one of my biggest fears. The common bond OW and my H had during the A was me the mean ole wife that didn't understand that her child was needier, weaker and needed his father more than my kids and that H was her "best friend". Yep, BTDT got the t-shirt. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Thank you, I do participate there and else where with BS with OC and some xOW with OC. What I am hoping for is broader opinions I guess.

I do believe that having OC in our lives could be a blessing IF we never had to see/speak to OW ever. Otherwise the nastiness just isn't worth it.

would you like me to email my reply?

it will be later on ... today

Pep

If you would feel more comfortable email would be fine. I will be home this afternoon, trying to work like crazy this morning. Can you tell? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

FF,

From reading your response above and seeing your husband has already demonstrated he's too weak in character to follow through on NC with OW, it seems you've been given a window into viewing the future. How do you see any of this changing?

Ask me if I regret those years I waisted on a man who was similarly weak in character. I think you may know the answer.

I agree with Pep..I don't think it's impossible..but I also don't think it is likely...that would be my verbatim word choice preference had they not been taken already.

Your H has not demonstrated that *he* is willing or able to do what I think would be required to make a situation such as that sustainable.

I suspect you are right. I have HOPED and PRAYED for my H to become a man of strength and character. I do believe with God's help it is possible. Do I believe it WILL happen? I guess I wouldn't be posting this if I did. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

It may really come down to how long I can go on like this for the sake of my DD

I don't think its the OW thats the problem, FF. If your husband wasn't weak and affair-prone the OW would be a moot point, regardless of the OC interaction.

Why can't you make a stand for yourself and DD now. Why don't you take control of what happens to you both, instead of allowing it to happen TO you.

Its clear your H is living a life of dual allegiance. Why are you required to wait for him to make a decision, or worse, for it to get so bad you have to dig your way out of it, possibly years from now. Years waisted.

{{{{FF}}}}

With prayers,

Sorry if I am frustrating you, Jo. If I can help it, I do not want to D until my DD is out of the house. I cannot afford the mortgage on my own and since LA is very expensive moving is not an option. Once DD is off to college I could rent out her room to help with the mortgage. Plus right now things are tolerable. He is in NC right now but I do live with the fear of renewed C and I live with the stress of the betrayal by my MIL. I think what I am doing is trying to realistically asses whether our M can truly recover. If it can't then I will continue with my personal healing, my spiritual growth and raising my kids. I won't put so much effort into worrying about what he is doing. I think Appy understands where I am. I do not see myself remarrying or dating anyway. I have a disabled DS that takes much of my time and a teenager DD that deserves as much as I can give her.

Am I making sense? Sorry if I am just rambling. I guess the decision is whether I remove my heart from the equation.

I know what I am going to say is going to be very unpopular on this site to some, but here goes -

I left my DD's dad for the sake of my DD. Not because I didn't think he would be a good dad, he is and I knew he would be...

but because I knew I would never have the love and security I would need (he was kind of weak and prone to cheat at that time).

I made a choice that my DD needed a happy, healthy mother.

It's been a struggle, the happy/healthy part but she lives in a home where truth and happiness are the rule.

Sometimes, our own well-being...mental, spiritual, emotional must come first...AS mothers.

I watched my parents self-destruct Faith, right before my eyes. I begged my mom many times to get a divorce, not because my dad was mean or dishonest(and we loved him very much) but because he was never going to get well...and I desperately wanted my mom to be happy/mentally healthy.

Just another view to consider.

Gosh, I'm sorry for the decision you must make Faith.

FF,

I have great empathy for what you're faced with. I know what you're feeling and how much it hurts. I know how conflicted you are too. You've been placed in one of the worse situations resulting from infidelity.

But like you said, you're posting this for a reason. I believe your instincts are trying to tell you something. I think its a good thing you are exploring your options and I also think you are incredibly brave for doing so.

The right thing to do is not always the easiest.

Jo

You shouldn't be putting that much effort into worrying about what he is doing anyway Faith. Concentrate on yourself, your kids and your own recovery...since you have already decided to stay with him and you have also already decided that he is not going to become the man you believe he could be.

Our own growth, happiness, spiritual development should always be our first responsibility...married or not. IMHO

edited to say responsibility instead of priority, which wasn't what I meant. we have a resposibility to those things for ourselves as well as our children and (spouse if we have one), if he doesn't want to climb on board and attempt the same...well not much one can do about that.

Isn't that the truth!

Thank you, too Weaver. You know my heart and I wanted a real M. I agree I have to pull back and focus on me and the kids.