Quick story.

WW had EA for about a year, PA since Feb. I was never told about it. D-Day came and went, we spend a week apart to figure things out. She came back and said she needed to have NC with OM. There is still work contact and I believe limited personal contact as well. Initiated Plan A. A exposed to her family, my family and her friends. Working on myself and making great progress (even according to WW) She still says, "I don't know if I made the right decision or not".

She still has fog and even admits to it. We were in MC since Feb. after the beginning of the PA, when she came home and said she didn't want to be married anymore. But never mentioned A. She doesn't want to go to MC anymore, says it isn't helping, doesn't talk to her family or friends about it. Doesn't want to talk to a preacher. Doesn't want to take medication to calm her thought. She will talk to me some, but it is limited. Mostly just statements of confusion, her being pulled in many directions. She is looking for another job out of the area. There is a possability of her having cancer again as well, based on recent doctor's visits. I know her mind is all over the place right now.

How do I help her and our M ????? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

Post deleted by Dobie

Post deleted by Dobie

Post deleted by Dobie

Post deleted by Dobie

Good grief, Dobie's little hacker daughter is at it again.

Davy, until I alert Dobie to this I'll have to apologise on her behalf. Her little DD is quite the internet user.

I was all excited there for a minute, I thought I would have some good suggestions.

She actually typed what has been going through my mind for a month. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

ROTFLMAO! That was the funniest darn thing I ever read! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

LOL - you must have thought someone was being extremely rude.

I'm glad you've got a sense of humour.

DJ

The part in bold... pay close attention to those words. What jumps out at you? Are you familiar with the concepts here? NC is a must. She is still foggy because she still has contact with the OM.

Yep, gotta add my personal apologies. She's everywhere today. Somethings started to boil over and I dashed into the kitchen. She posted on two websites, sent an email, and had an IM session with a friend.

sounds alot like my WW same issues healthwise.

hang in there. the one thing i am understanding from all this is to fight for them fight for love. fight for what you believe. Do it with patience and love.

Never an easy road. but it does build YOUR character. just watch.

My FWH had cancer in the middle of all of this, so I understand some of the fog talk. Maybe I can help.

I actually laid down, right on top of him, when he laid down on the bed after hearing the results of a blood test. We had a particularly bad weekend of d-day emotional discussions, the fog-talk of justification of his A, etc. We were both fully clothed, by the way. He laid across the bed on his back, and I laid down on top of him. I looked right in his eyes and said to him:

Nothing you have done in the past matters as much as getting well.

Nothing.

Together, we can fight your cancer. You have to fight it with me. When I'm having a bad day about the affair, you must be strong for me. When you're having a bad day about the cancer, I will be strong for you. We are both weak from the affair, and from the cancer.

The affair is the one thing we can cure together. We can do that free of charge - we just have to agree to love each other through it.

If we do that, then we can use the strength of our marriage and our love for each other to fight the cancer together.




Or something like that. Anyway, I stared straight into his eyes and we both cried and held on to each other. We are nearing ten months post d-day on both the A and the cancer diagnosis (7 months since surgery). His blood test this week came back perfect - no sign of cancer cells at all!

It wasn't easy, with d-day for both coming nearly back to back for me. I thought the stress would kill me - and there were days that I prayed it would. Your wife may feel much the same way, her guilt, her stress, her confusion, and the continued contact are just not working to help her come to a place of peace with any of it. No small wonder she's still foggy.

She sounds like she needs someone else to take control for part of this. Tell her you are there for her. That you are REAL, and that a fantasy can't carry her through - but you can, and you will, no matter what. You always have, and you always will.

SB

To all,

Really great comments. I have been telling her that I am there for her. I have also told her that A are built on fantasy, I am not sure she took it well. She said her feelings are real, I told her yes they are. However, they are build on a fantasy. I am not sure if it sank in or not.

I agree NC is the ONLY way to go. I think deep down she does too, I think that is one reason she is looking for another job. The problem is that her job search has been all out of the area. I really don't want to relocate the family especially since OM lives 2 hours away, and not around here. There is no history of them here. I am not sure she isn't trying to move jobs and further away from OM that way she has to be commited to working on us. Maybe she sees that as an easier way. I don't know.

I don't know, please keep the suggestions coming.

Schoolbus, great ideas on the cancer stuff by the way.

Thanks to all

NC is the key here Davy - she won't want to talk to anyone until she has NC which then leads to withdrawal - lasts maybe 6-8 weeks perhaps longer. After she comes through that she will probably be willing to get some help.

Be careful with the advice some MC give.

For example, I had a jealousy crisis 3 years ago in response to W’s independent behaviour and he encouraged me to get more independent of her… Now she is living with an OM and I’m expecting D papers. Some psychologist. Talk to the Harleys they are worth every penny. Did you read Surviving an Affaire?

Dlk 21

I am reading SAA and HIS NEEDS, HER NEEDS. Haven't talked to Dr. Harley. How does that work and how much does it cost?
I think you are right about NC, I guess just continue with Plan A and hope that works. It seems that plan A is working at times, and others it seems not to be helping. I guess that is to be expected.

Click counselling up top give them a call and they will explain everything to you. It can prevent you from wasting a whole lot of time in anguish. Steve is great. You can also call the radio show. Dr Bill Harley talks to you on air.

If she is in withdrawal from you, you will feel like nothing is working and that you are wasting your time when in fact you may be depositing love units. She just will not give you feedback.

Good luck.

DLK21

I am learning that affairs can die out after a time. Not to say you musnt issue a NC, do so. however i know for a fact that a tender ear and a LOT of plan "A"ing topped off with absolutely no LBs then wrapped in prayer can have the same effect as medicine. Your only effort is time ,understanding and patience. Do you have it?

My WW has severe mood swings and in jamaica i guess the persistence of the OM to call at work is not helping matters.

So it has taught me one thing......plan A and pray and listen alot. Get alot of input on how to get her to actually agree to a NC then maybe have a great friend (female) if you cant handle it to listen to her as she goes through withdrawal. It should be you though.

Remember time and patience.

luv.

hang in there.

So nc700,

Are you saying I should not make furtther effort to expose (his work, her work and his family)? Should I just stay with the Plan A and wait for her to see the light?

Confused, I am seeing almost a daily shift of fog thickness. Some days she seems to be out of the fog, others she seems like it is thick. Only time will tell I guess.

Thanks for being there, I really need to feel that people are out there who I can relate to and get advice from.

Thanks to all