Continuation of my other thread "I can't believe I did this".<P>I went to see H on my way home from work (he was out sick today, so he was at his apartment). I hugged him, apologized for hurting him, and asked for his forgiveness. He didn't give it. He's pretty angry and very worried about he repercussions of this on his career.<P>When I got home, I was just so discouraged about the prospects for my marriage that I pulled out the divorce papers to sign the waiver of service. But it has to be signed before a notary. Nevertheless, when he arrived to get the kids this evening, I told him that I would find a notary tomorrow and sign it. This starts the ball rolling on the divorce.<P>Then he said, "There's something I want you to think about. If I were to come home, what sort of conditions/requirements would you have?"<P>This was not what I was expecting!!! Thank goodness he was leaving with the kids, so I didn't really have to respond. I touched his face, told him I love him, and that I would think about it. <P>Now what? I learned a lesson last time -- what I thought was reasonable negotiation he saw as demands. (For those who don't know, he broke off his relationship with OW in May and wanted to work things out, but quickly backpedalled). I'm tempted to tell him I have no conditions. This is his home and he's welcome to come home anytime. <P>But I'm really scared that this is just another shift in the rollercoaster. We'll start working on things again, I'll think things are going well, and WHAMMO! he'll be out the door again. <P>I'm scared of losing him, but I'm equally scared of staying married to him. I don't want to be in a loveless marriage. I want to be cherished. And I don't want to be scared all the time that everything I do or say is going to send him packing. <P>When he left, I had only one condition. He couldn't live here and see her. I guess I think anything else ought to come under POJA. "Conditions" are by definition not POJA. <P>I've also learned that I need to put my brain in gear before engaging my mouth. So I think when we talk tonight I'll just listen. If he wants conditions, I'll tell him I need to think about it. <P>Advice, please? <p>[This message has been edited by Animac (edited October 04, 1999).]

Wow, You did that well. Touched his face, told him you love him. My heart is melting. I don't know how he could have walked out just then. <BR>The one condition be that you two have a marriage with all of the effort required to sustain and grow it. That means no OP's anywhere ever. Counselling as either of you decides you need it and anything else to ensure as close to rock solid as needed.<BR>Great news, Animac.

Animac - Very Good!!!!<P>I like your thinking about "conditions" too. I think you're on the right track. <P>No OP's - period.<BR>Both working on building, not just existing.<BR>POJA everything else.<P>Hey, you get him home, you got a shot, right? And, for me, these three ('specially #1) would be all that mattered.<P>Good luck and prayers to you.<P>Lori

Wow! Tears came to my eyes when I saw this description on the list. I live for threads like this (says something about me right now).<P>In SAA, Harley says welcome them back with open arms. Fundamentally, I think that's correct, but I'd still go for some "modest" conditions. But since control is the stated major problem in this relationship, I would be very careful how I did it.<P>So, how about getting HIM to say what he's willing to do to come back? I might start with a little speech about how I'm committing myself to do what it takes to make him happy. Then - what approach do you think you would like to take so we can both be happy in our marriage? I would hope he would address the following: 1) a commitment to joint counseling (for a year or longer), 2) genuine effort on understanding and meeting each other's emotional needs, and 3) some "practical" agreement related to the OW (in his case, it might include leaving the job by a certain date). How cool it would be if HE SAID he would do these things without you requesting them.<P>But, at this stage, I think I would go with Harley's overriding principle and be somewhat flexible if he didn't agree to the conditions. Then I would Plan A my tail off and completely stop all lovebusting and all relationship talks once he came back. I wouldn't even do a relationship status check with him for at least three months. (Again, this is assuming he DOESN'T AGREE to work on things with you).<P>Either way, this looks incredibly promising. I am so happy for you. Of course, don't forget about all the twists and turns this has taken and the ones still likely to come. But the tide is looking positive, so keep the unavoidable backing-ups within perspective.

WOW That's great news, Annie!!<P>Although, I understand your hesitancy to be jubilant...<P>I think that you have a good idea of what you want to do as far as conditions. I would probably opt for honesty and remembering that we are the happiest when we remember that we are partners and not enemies (or something to that effect.)<P>Good luck with your talk....I'll be saying prayers for you both.<P>HUGS, <P>Sheba

The dreaded double post.<p>[This message has been edited by Distressed (edited October 04, 1999).]

Annie,<BR>That sounds great. You even stopped to think before you spoke. I never seem to be able to do that when my w suprises me.<BR>Those "conditions" seem fair to me but then I'm not the betrayer, so you never know what they are thinking.<BR>Start with no op, joint counseling and what ever else is needed to make your marriage work.

Annie - I thought so!!! I saw your earlier post today but didn't have time to respond and don't have much now. I wanted to tell you your husband's words earlier today sounded like he was really considering coming home - I also didn't want to create false hopes though. My H also took little baby steps with his words back into a commitment to make this work. I saw your reply to one of my posts in which you said you'd like to know how H and I got to where we are. Haven't had time to reply to that yet either but I do hope my sharing our journey will help you. As to your request for what to do on "conditions for coming home" I would echo what others have said about a commitment to making the effort necessary for a good marriage including counseling - probably both joint and individual if possible. One condition I asked for to show his commitment was to immediately fire his divorce attorney and dismiss the petition for divorce. I didn't think we could truly work on things with that hanging over us. Another I recall dealt with spending time together.<BR>I am so happy for you - you were fabulous today! (sorry H is angry - he'll get over it) Did you decide to send the letter to his boss ?- I liked it.

Wow Annie!<BR>I had some suspicions.<BR>The only thought I have is keep conditions to a minimum - What you absolutely need. Get him home if you can.<BR>If you are ready for that step and he wants it you can go from there. <BR>What I said before - you are a gem and you're doing a great job with a lot of class!!!!

You might start things off by asking him: If you were me what conditions would make you comfortable. Then negotiate from there. All of the suggestions above have been very good. I suspect he expects some conditions if for no other reason than to releave some guilt.<P>Good Luck

Annie, I think your "fear" of having him home and back out again has to go.<P>Forget the fear - and go for it. If he goes again, it will be painful, but less painful next time. You know you can do this. <P>You are really a tenderhearted person, and it is showing with your actions, pauses, and words. <P>Good for you. He is really a lucky man.<BR>

At about 6:30 he called and invited me to join him and the kids for dinner at a local restaurant. I suppose a good divorcebuster would have said, "sorry, I've got plans". But I appreciated his gesture -- saw it as a sign of forgiveness for my action this morning, so I accepted.<P>We had fun at the restaurant. When we got home and were putting the kids to bed he got sick (throwing up). Of course, he did stay home from work sick today, but I'm sure the stress of the day didn't help. <P>So we didn't talk tonight. He just left. At least he acknowledged that we need to talk, but he just wasn't up to it. I'm kind of relieved, actually. Gives me a little more time to process things.<P>Thanks for all the good wishes and suggestions. I think the idea of asking him what he thinks is appropriate makes sense. So long as he is taking some responsibility for improving things, the details don't matter so much. I guess the only thing that is really, truly, non-negotiable is that she is out of the picture. I think withdrawing the divorce petition makes sense, too. I don't like having that hanging over me. <BR>

Oh, Yes!<P>I like him telling you what he thinks is reasonable....then think about it.<P>Then talk, modify and GO FOR IT!<P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

Annie,<P>Every time someone asks me "What would you do if he wanted to come home? Would you just let him come back, or would you have conditions?" I think that I would just let him come back, and work hard at our relationship. Well, I'd like to see a therapist together ... and I'd like him to work days. And I'd like to move away from here. But if he didn't agree, I probably would give it a try anyway. Of course, I don't have any kids, so my situation might be different.<P>If your husband is already seeing a therapist, then perhaps joint counselling in addition to his individual counselling is enough to ask for? He's less likely to refuse counselling than most, since he's already acknowledged the necessity for seeing one.<P>Don't push him too much - he might be perched on the edge and you don't want him to tip over to the wrong side!<P>Wishing you the best!!!<P>------------------<BR>terri<BR>No, I'm not a Marriage Counselor,<BR>But I did sleep at a <BR>Holiday Inn Express last night...<BR>

Wow Animac!! I cant beleive it!! It always seems to work this way for the most part... The key is some good conversation with him, and get him home and start working on your marriage.. Joint counseling especially if you are not good communicators... My H moved out for 2 months, leased an apt., bought a washer and dryer, we were going to divorce... he moved back home June 8th.. been home for 4 months... I want to warn you that it has been hard.. especially if your H's affair didnt die a natural death... (my h's didnt and he has had some trouble with withdrawal) That is very hard to deal with, but it can be done.... We are maybe just starting to see some progress in his withdrawal... The ow just bought a house around the corner from us on purpose, and maybe that helped my h realize how sick she is and how stupid and ridiculous the whole thing looked and was... I dont know... Harley says it takes time, but eventually the ow true colors show through and the your spouses fog will lift.. That is exactly how it has happend with us.. Its just like this fog is gradually lifting from my h.... Good luck Ani!!!!!!

Annie,<P>Great news! <BR>I know what you mean about wanting/not wanting him back. Too scared to try and too scared to NOT try.<P>I have thought about conditions too. I don’t want to seem flabbergasted when my Wife brings up coming home. I would suggest (and ask him if he agrees - POJA). Don’t make them “conditions.” Sounds too much like surrendering to the “enemy.“<P>1 Counseling<BR>2 A commitment to TRY!<BR>3 Something along the lines of “not just getting over it.” Perhaps set some time aside a few times per week to talk about the affair, his leaving and such. This way he can know what to expect from you as far as “grilling” him.<P>Annie, you’re a deer in the road & your dazzled by the headlights. What ‘ya gonna do? Don’t rush it though. You have to make a decision based on what you have learned over the last eight or nine months.<P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html</A> <BR>

WOW! WOW! WOW!<P>I can't beleeeeeve I missed this thread! I'm embarrassed, Annie.<P>After watching what you've gone thru these months, and working so hard at finding a way thru this with dignity, you've had a breakthrough!<P>Way to go, gal!<P>Can't post now...gotta get to work. Will reply later. Congrats, again.

Annie,<BR>I was so happy to read your post. I also think that the fewer conditions the better - obviously no involvement with the OW, and I certainly don't think it unreasonable to stop the divorce process (in many states, doesn't living together impact it somehow anyway?)<BR>

When my H came home, I asked mainly for honesty and fidelity. And if he had contact with her, he would tell me. As far as I know, he's trying to do this. He went to counseling with me this summer, he doesn't want to right now. I'm continuing to go. You really need to continue to take care of yourself. <P>My H has been home 7 weeks (this time). I Plan A, Plan A, Plan A. I don't talk about her, I meet his needs as much as he'll let me, lots of affection...and I try not to think about how few of my needs are being met...unconditional love from me, low expectations for him. If I screw up, I apologize and try to explain where I went wrong. I also try to ask for the things I need, ie, a kiss before he leaves for work & when he comes home.<P>Distressed, your comment on not doing a relationship status check for 3 months was just what I needed to see. I want it all and I want it NOW. <P>Best wishes, Annie.<BR><P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"Do not get tired of doing what is right, for after awhile you will reap a harvest of blessings if you do not get discouraged and give up. (Gal 6:9)<P><BR>

Annie - This is great news!!! I understand your concern that this might just be another false start. But what do you have to lose? The worst case is that you will divorce...and you've been on that path fo a long time. You are already mentally prepared for that.<P>I agree with what everyone here is saying. Giving HIM the opportunity to suggest conditions may be one way to do it wothout lovebusters. You may want to write down (for yourself) the subjects YOU want covered in any agreement. For instance:<P>1. the OW - what needs to be done here?<BR>2. counseling - when, where, how often?<BR>3. STD check - <BR>4. sleeping arrangments - <BR>5. meeting emotional needs - <BR>6. how to explain situation to family/friends<BR>7. etc.<P>You don't have to necessarily go into all of these...only those you feel have to be covered. Maybe you can bring them up in the form of a question such as: "what about sleeping arrangements?"