Now you are speaking from fear. Stop it.

She is angry with you..and you are panicking...nothing more.

The problem is that in our state I don't have to agree to a divorce. She can petition and the judge will grant without question. Infidelity has little affect.

OK..and?

Her anger tonight has no impact on it either..right?

Ok. I'll take your advice in the hopes it does not blow up in my face. THIS SUCKS!!!

Expect it to blow up in your face. Expect her to be furious. Make threats...yell..stomp her feet...throw things.

Full on temper tantrums.

She has had plenty of opportunity before tonight to file for divorce..particularly if it is as easy as you say...she hasn't done it Bg...you can follow her plans and wind up a divorced man...or you can follow YOUR plan and *possibly* [but not as likely...Harley method is well respected] wind up a divorced man who knows that he did everything within his power to prevent that and can look his children in the eyes and tell them so.

Your WW has lost a lot of respect for you...it is apparent in her every move... every word...every expectation.

One of the most helpfull things working in your favor is to enforce personal boundaries and ...yes..give her a shove out of your space [metaphorically speaking!]...believe it or not...this builds RESPECT.

Force her to respect your boundaries by enforcing them..and you take a step TOWARDS marriage recovery....appeasement does not work.

bgtg, noodle is right. You do not have to talk about anything. Do NOT AGREE to a divorce. Make her do all the work. That will slow things down.

And most of all, CALM DOWN!

So, what do you think of this plan? I will go home and tell her that I will not talk about this. When she presses, I will restate and then leave (go to a friend's house).

I understand the message of staying firm. I have been chasing her in the past, and it lost respect for me. If I stay strong, she gains respect because I am refusing to cave.

Melody, I remember you saying something about a private forum. Can this be done. I don't want my wife knowing my plans and planning accordingly (if she has found this thread).

Good plan except *you* don't leave.

I'm serious about holing up with some books and a sack O potato chips.

You are about to become very warfare savvy...learn about territory and stake it out.

You do not leave the house tonight [and if you do don't be suprised if the locks are changed in the morning if she really is as mad as you say]...you say that you have decided not to discuss anyhting..then you simply don't.

Leave the room..lock her out of YOUR space and probably SHE will leave if it makes her mad enough [unless she also understands territory and holes up as well which only makes it more important that YOU not give ground].

Power struggles 101 <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

bgtg1.

Stop it. You have the power. You can't see that yet.. but, if she doesn't have to ask you for a divorce, why is she? Because, she wants the easy way out. She wants you to leave her because the SHAME is too big a price to pay. She realizes this now that she is CAUGHT, the price is bigger than the reward. It's so sad that people can't see this before they fall into affairs. I warned my wife of the very thing when she moved out, the price was too high.

Anyways, you have the power, and telling her boss is no big deal. Work places don't care about affairs, heck, I wouldn't be surprised if they encourage them, morale goes up, and people miss less work... sick, I know.

Get back in your house and don't leave again. You look bad by doing that. Get a lawyer. Start protecting yourself, and let her see you aren't a driveling wimp. You want her in your life, but you want your wife, not a woman who is behaving like she is. Find out who this guy is specifically, and it sounds like you are doing this.

Remember, nothing really happens fast. If it happens fast, you are reacting, and that ain't what you want to do. If your wife wants to talk, tell her you will talk to her when she agrees to your conditions, until then...not much to talk about, especially if she just wants to fight.

-hang in there

Whatever you do, don't leave. You are not at her mercy, so please stop acting like it. If she wants to blather about divorce, tell her you aren't interested. If she wants a divorce, you can't stop her. She doesn't need your permission to file, but you sure wont help her.

And yes, email me and we can discuss the other.

One last question. Her family is aware. Do I try to get some of them talking to her? They are trying to stay out of it.

p.s. do not leave that house unless you want to be in a position to have to get a court order to get back in.

Not tonight bgtg...one battle at a time...tonight..go HOME and enforce your boundaries...that is enough for anyone in an evening.

Did you tell them yourself? If not, you should call them up, tell the correct story and tell them you are trying to save your marriage and your childrens family from her affair. Ask for their support in influencing her to end her affair for your sake and the childrens sake.

MOST ESPECIALLY speak to her father since it seems he is influencial in her life.

It is not enough that they just KNOW. You have to make sure they know the CORRECT STORY [WSs are notorious liars and spinners] and ask for their support.

Thank you all for the advice. I am calmed down. You all make excellent points.

Just so all are aware. I know exactly who this guy is and where he lives. I suspect he is still seeing his supposed ex-fiance. A female family member called his home, and the answering machine said "WE are not home". He is supposedly single with no children. This seed has been planted in my wife's mind.

-and she couldn't give a rat's [censored]. in fact, all the better right now, it won't make her feel so bad by 'cheating' on him by being married still.

YOU DON'T GET IT STILL

They don't think like normal humans right now. You CAN NOT talk her out of this. All you can do is make sure the truth is on the table, and walk your walk with confidence. You know what. YOU ARE GONNA BE OK. She can throw her life away (if you aren't sure about that...maybe read this board some more to find out about how many people that had affairs with their current spouses are here because they are getting cheated on by their 'oh so very special person and they have such a wonderfully unique connection' ROFL.

You're still reacting. Take steps you choose, not steps that are stemmed from her actions. When she can't see you coming, that is how you make impacts.

-hang in there

bg... the others are correct. You need to lead. Be confident. Be strong. Be loving and respectful...but also firm. I.e. not shouting matches, no slamming doors in her face... just polite firmness.

This is a long process... but can be worth all the trouble if you want it to be. Hang in there, take it one day at a time. Right now the message is consistency and strength.

You do not "need" her... but you want your marriage to be intact because you are worth it and so is your W.

Let her stew and think over her options. I almost gave up a few times and it would have been a huge mistake. Now things are so much better.

Have patience. Be calm. Read a book. Be pleasant. Don't be wallowing or in misery, skulking in the dark. She has no control over you and she needs to see this.

But don't leave the house... that looks like you don't have confidence and have to run. If she is yelling or angry, just tell her you love her and will fight for your marriage. Otherwise, let the rest roll off and wait it out.

Shaden

I am starting to get it. That seed was planted when she called me and confronted me about discovering an email stating that I was going to use the information about him. She didn't know what it was going to be used for. She was also upset about my calling her boss, and the fact that he had talked to her. Even though he told her he wasn't acting on the information, it will still affect her because she looks up to him. She looks at it like she is shamed in his eyes (I think at least).

I know her dad knows the truth because he was told by a family member other than my wife. When I got home, we didn't talk about it, nor did she bring it up. I guess she had a phone conversation with her dad that I'm sure had an effect.

Anyway, she is obviously extremely upset at me, but I am standing strong. This is going to be tough though. I know I can hang in there. I will certainly be asking for continued advise though.

Good for you..the world didn't end after all.

You'll notice this a lot. The drama and then the anticlimax.

This is why you have to be so clear about YOUR plans and remain unswayed by the tumultuousness of the waters around you.

Study study study..so that you can make informed decisions, and choices..and take action...rather than REACT REACT REACT!

There are no guarantees..but we are playing the best odds game based on human nature/relationship dynamics as we understand it.

I would talk to her father myself if I were you.