bgtg, you need to speak to her dad YOURSELF and send a letter CERTIFIED to Human Resources ccing the CEO and her boss and his boss with the OM's name. It is not enough to know that she said something to her dad. She will lie and spin it. He must hear the correct story from YOU and you need to ask for his support. This the GOAL of exposure. Let him know you are trying to save your marriage and make sure he knows she is having an affair with a coworker.

Are you still trying to get ahold of his fiance/wife? What about his parents? Have you tracked them down yet?

I have a phone number of a man with the same last name and age needed to be his father. Not sure if it's him though. I tried to call, but had to leave a message. I will try to call back. Still working on the fiance/girlfriend angle.

I will draft the letter tomorrow while she is at work, and get it sent. I also have somebody who was in her network of friends at work spreading the word.

I'm trying to figure out how to talk to her dad. Things on that side have become rather complicated (due to circumstances involving this upcoming weekend). I don't know that he will be willing to talk with me (especially since I'm sure she told him about my attempts at exposure).

bg, if you explain to him that all your efforts are designed to save this marriage, he should understand. Tell him you are trying to bust up her affair according to Marriage Builders principles so you can save your marriage and his grandchildren's family. Explain to him that Dr. Harley is the leading expert on saving marriages from affairs in the US and you are following his principles. His program has a very high success rate. Tell him that 95% of affairs never last because they are based on fraud and deceit. ASK FOR HIS HELP in saving your family from this affair!

You have done nothing wrong, bg!! She is in an affair and is the one who has done something wrong.

What is planned for this weekend?

I hadn't really thought that far in advance. Do you have any suggestions? I am helping my brother for a bit on Saturday with a house project, and plan to leave the kids at home with her.

I see the point of your question about the weekend (forgot what I wrote in my previous post). They were planning to come down this weekend, but changed their minds due to what is going on. Her dad decided that he didn't want to come after he found out about her affair. I called him and told him that it probably was best that they not come (prior to him deciding not to come). I now think that this was a stupid idea.

Can you call him up and have a discussion with him? Tell him what is happening and just see if he wants to come. Do you think he might appreciate your asking for his help here? Parents can be a GREAT HELP if they want to be, bg! They can put great pressure on affairs.

When you talk to him about this, speak of saving this family for his grandchildren. Appeal to him in that way and see if you can rouse him.

I am calling him later today. I am also calling her mother here shortly. I don't know if they will support me because I think my WW has told them about the attempts at exposure (just guessing though). When I speak with them, I will try to explain everything to them (if they will listen) and ask for their support.

This exposure is going to be much more difficult than I expected it to be.

bg, he may not listen to you, but it cannot hurt to try and get through to him. It is important to make sure they both get the correct story and to ASK for their support in saving your marriage and their grandchildrens' family.

There is nothing wrong with exposure, there is something very wrong with having an affair. You have an obligation, as a husband and father to do everything in your power to protect your family from this affair.

Just rememeber who the guilty party is here, bg, and don't lose that perspective. You have done nothing wrong.

bgtg1,
YOu and I have both had very adrenaline filled days (yesterday)... in a virtual way, we should go out and grab a beer! My wife's affair blew up at work yesterday and the affair is (I'm told) OVER. I of course am to blame for everything bad in my WW life. It comes with the territory. Fighting for our marriage provides very few rewards along the way.... only once the marriage is recovering/recovered that we may start to see the fruits of our efforts. Hang in there (I'll do the same!)
Heartsore

Heartsore,
I'll take a root beer since I can't stand the real thing. Thanks for all of your support through this roller coaster ride. Glad to hear of the progress on your sitch. I read most of your thread, and can see that you have been doing an excellent job. Hang in there.

Melody,
Thanks to you as well. My WW asked who you were because she intercepted an e-mail (unknown if from you or one that I tried to send but had failures). Either way, she found out of the exposure that way rather than from me face to face. I still have a lot of work to do though.

My WW hasn't been overly cold (sometimes even lukewarm), so I am guessing that she is scheming. I am going to buy a digital recorder today. I am also drafting the letters to the head of the HR dept. and the CEO. Don't know what effect it will have since it is a large hospital. Catholic one at that. My intention is to focus on the fact that it is a Catholic hospital and that I can't believe that the organization would condone such sin in it's organization. Does this sound like a decent approach, or do you have other suggestions?

I just tried to talk to my WW's mother, and she blew me off pretty badly. I asked her to call me back, and her response was that she would "try". She just does not want to hear it. Better to stick your head in the sand I guess than face the problem. This gets very tiresome, as I know she blames me.

Not much of a beer drinker myself (either), but I would make an exception in this one case. Root beer sounds great to me. AS for the continued exposure.... I'd say anything you can do to make your WW's A with OM become more difficult to sustain..... is a good idea.
HS

One last question. Any suggestions on how I can cut down on her cell phone bill? It's killing us ($462 this month alone). I talked to her about it and told her that we can't afford that and asked her to use a landline if she has to talk to OM. She tried telling me it was from calling her family, but I told her that I had seen the phone numbers and text messages online, and that most were to OM. She said that she would not use it so much, and that she didn't know it would be so high. Ironically, when she left the house this morning, she was on her cell phone when she got out of the driveway.

Don't feel too badly...it isn't an unexpected reaction.

This can be a usefull tool as well.

You are getting first hand insight into your wifes rationalization process courtesy of the people who raised her. Eyes open.

Rather than try to pursuade her mother..I'd just state your position very clearly [I tend to think the less discussion...the less ability they have to twist your words to make themselves more comfortable supporting wicked behavior in their child] and leave her to her conscience.

Peoples immediate reactions are not always their final position...so really you can neither count on their support or dismiss the possibility of it.

Do not ever make an allowance for her to call OM.

When her balance exceeds a certain level the issue will be decided FOR her by creditors.

This is a reality/consequence of her choices and you would do well to step aside.

I wouldn't pay the bill either.

Thanks for the input. I'll tell her that she has to pay the bill out of her vacation savings account (everything else is joint). Her cell is in my name (not sure why, but could be helpful). I will tell her that I do not condone her calling him and that I will not pay for anymore of her cell phone bills as long as she is.

The problem with her mom is that I don't see her even answering the phone now because she knows it will be me. I'll keep trying though.

The phone is in your name. Cancel it. It's that simple. If she needs to make a call, she can use a pay phone. Cell phones are luxuries, not necessities. They are the tool for many affair to flourish. Kill it. If she complains, go down to the local Army Surplus, and buy her a sattelite field phone, with the big box and the crank handle. Tell her, figure out how to use this instead. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> See if your phone company provides a cap on the phone, when it hits $75 it shuts down.

Her cell is in your name?

Cancell it. Cancell it today, right now, this minute!

You can not dictate to her how she will pay it...you do not have that control...it is very important that you get a firm grasp of what IS and what IS NOT in your circle of control.

You have exposed to her Mother...now she is avoiding you.

What are you hoping to gain by continuing to try to contact her?

That's one symptom of an active WS - reckless spending of the M's finances. I would suggest that you seriously start protecting your finances, e.g. move 50% of the money in each joint account into one of your personal accounts. And for heaven's sake, cancel the cell phone service if it's in your name. If she wants to contact the OM that way, let HER pay for the privilege using HER money.

For the record, I've NEVER supported the idea that a M'd couple should keep all of their money in joint accounts. In my view, joint accounts should only be established to pay off joint expenses (e.g. groceries, bills, mortgages, etc.) and should be kept topped up by each S for this purpose - it should not be used as a savings account and should have minimal overdraft or credit arrangements. Savings should be kept separate - much less risk of one S being subjected to financial abuse from another, particularly if an A occurs.

I wasn't the one who exposed her to her mother. Sunday night, after I found out about the A, I told her that she needed to call her family (with me there) and tell them what was going on. I did this for 2 reasons. First, I wanted to confirm that she told them, and second that she gave them the truth. She called her mother and told her that she had been having an affair for some time. This was done before I was ready to expose, because I did not know who the OM was. I realize now that to a certain degree it was a mistake.

Her work has made it very clear that they will not get involved. I am having to use the exposure that I have already gotten at her work (through her boss talking with her, and the shame that comes with that because she looks up to him). I am however asking that it be exposed to her circle of friends in the department that she works at. This is being done through family friends who know the people in the circle.

I spoke with her father today regarding my intentions to save the marriage and my family. I also gave him the facts about everything. He said that he had spoken with my WW yesterday, but did not disclose what had been said. I told him that I was asking for his support in my cause. He said that he liked what I was doing, but was not going to get involved any further than listening to what we had to say. He did not support my exposure to her work, and thought that it would be underhanded to pursue it further. He believes that professional and personal matters are separate and that a workplace should not get involved in these matters. He did tell me that I could go after the OM and his job, but not to involved my WW. That's kind of hard given that they both need to be exposed in order for there to be any employer involvement. Guess it doesn't matter anyway, because her employer won't do anything.

Any suggestions for additional exposure steps? I am still trying to find out if the OM's ex is still in the picture, and if so, who she is.