listen to the noodle

hehehheeee <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I appreciate all that you are saying. I will take your advice and calm down and continue on my path. I still can't tell the children, not yet. I plan to do it at some time, but not now. I'm sorry on this point, but I just can't get myself to do it.

I will be turning off the cell phone.

It is so hard living in a war zone. I am here to tell you now that she will be garnering support from her parents. I will not let that bother me. Her mom already is sticking her head in the sand.

I am going to continue after this guy also.

She just came home from the store and I told her that I am not trying to be at war with her, but I believe in what I am doing. I also said that I would not sit down with her and the kids and discuss divorce because I am not willing to consent to it. She said that was fine and she would be sitting down with them. I might take a preemptive stance and talk to the kids first about how I feel.

She told me that she would be talking to her attorney tomorrow. I told her that she should do what she feels she needs to do. I told her that someday she would regret it, and I won't be there. I then left.

I think I really messed things up tonight.

Hopefully there won't be papers, and this is a bluff. Guess I'll have to wait and see. I can't stop the divorce if she files. Any suggestions?

Don't allow her to lie to those kids, bgtg. Sit down with them and tell them what I told you. Kids can deal with the truth, they can't deal with lies. And she will try to feed them a sickening load of crap if she is the typical WS about how she has fallen out of love, blah, blah, blah...... You get the point. She will teach them to rationalize the destruction of her family over her "feelings." You don't want to give her that opportunity. Speak to them yourself and give the straight story. Then tell her you have told them the truth. Nothing about divorce, either...

Are statements like "regardless of whether or not I stay with this guy, we are over" normal fogtalk? It sounds like it might be a manipulation because she is trying to make me believe that she is willing to give him up. Maybe she is willing to do that.

I believe in what I am doing, but I also believe that I am having to do things that just aren't me. I know that she cringes everytime she sees me. It almost seems like this is creating caverns that may not be able to be mended even if the destruction of the affair and withdrawal are completed. I have done nothing as bad as she has done, and I realize that, but she really looks like she is starting to hate me.
She insists that I am unwilling to listen to how she really feels. What were all of your experiences like? If not this bad, maybe I am doing things wrong. She knows that I am doing things that would normally be against my character.

I am so confused and feeling sad and hurt by everything. By the way, she stopped wearing her wedding ring about a week ago).

BG..

Please read the bob pure threads that I linked for you.

Everything that you decribe is textbook formulaic WS speak.

I know very well how hard that is to accept that the words coming out of your wifes MOUTH can be so destructive and at the same time so typical...how this person that you have known and loved for so long can lie and look at you as though you were repulsive...How *we* can shrug it off and dismiss it...this is addict behavior and it is UGLY but we have seen it before many times...if you are able to break the affair and begin recovery...resentment/anger for this behavior will be YOUR stumbling block [if you are interested head over to the recovery board and read up on all the recovering BSs who are living this out in real time].

As I said..your decision to tell your children is yours...but they will be told SOMETHING BG...you can't control that...the only thing you can control is whether they will be told the truth as well as lies that will hurt and morally confuse them. Don't think she won't really do it...while it's POSSIBLE she won't...many MANY WSs use the children to legitimize/normalize their affairs and affair behaviors...sadly the consequences of this is something that they rationalize as well during these times.

You would notbleieve me if I described to you the depths that active WSs are willing to sink to and the destruction they are willing to cause. Whether trying to have the BS removed from the home or cleaning out the childrens college funds to pay for trips to visit the OP...it's all just another day in WSville.

It *is* very hurtfull and it *is* very sad...everything that I offer you is served on a double edged sword.

On one side...I want you to have all of the tools at your disposal to recover the marriage if it CAN be recovered [that pesky free will...there are no guarantees] and to know that you did everything within your power to save it should it fail...on the other side..I want you to have the tools to detach and focus on taking care of YOU so that you are not so emotionally dependent on an unreliable and self destructing person...I want you to get to a place where you are able to let go and accept that the choices that she makes...are about her and not your fault nor something you can directly control...both of these tools will be necessary for rebuilding the marriage post affair..and both will be necessary if she follows through and divorces you.

That is a pretty tall order for someone who just found out a few days ago that his marriage has been unraveling over a period of months.

Read the Bob Pure threads...LISTEN to what his wife was SAYING and you will be shocked I think at the similarity of the script.

bg,
I am not as experienced in this as others who are posting to you. But when I think back to my communication theory from long ago college years: Once someone makes a public statement of their thoughts, those thoughts become more believable as "fact" to them.

Also, her actions of waywardness combined with her verbal statements to you along with her values that you describe in your earlier posts (faith is strong value, she would never do such a thing) lead her to believe:

"I've been wayward against my H, I've now told him I don't love him, I have strong values against infidelity Therefore, it must be true that I am out of love with him and can never have a relationship with him again."

Of course, this is all fog thought. I am sure she is a good woman who just made some bad choices. She can love you again, even though she has spoken all those bad words to you.

I am sure that others will write to you about situations they experienced that were easily as bad as what you are going through now.

I am sorry you are experiencing this pain. My thoughts are with you.
Lake

Thank you to both of you, it is definitely helping. I guess I am wrestling with feelings that we were never meant to be at war with each other. We have never been like this, and it is tough. I also realize that she is not the woman I married, even the woman of 3-4 months ago.

I will read those posts in the links provided.

She is confused and angry because you are INTERFERING IN HER AFFAIR. bgtg, it is very important that you understand that affairs are very much like substance additions in very many ways. She is addicted to the feelings this man gives her, but those feelings are fleeting and are based on a fantasy. She even has BIOLOGICAL symptoms in her brain that are very similar to that of an actual physical addiction. This is why we are all so very familiar with EVERY WORD your wife is uttering to you. THEY ALL SAY THAT!!

But, it usually does not last. When the source of the addiction is removed, the fog rolls out and they come back to sanity. That woman is not your wife. She is a stumbling drunk who does not want to give up her booze. She is FURIOUS that you don't see how "pretty" her affair is. She is furious that the SIGHT of you reminds her that she is a RAPIST and is hurting you.

But, this is a GOOD THING, bgtg. Bringing her affair into the open like this is FORCING her to see how sleazy and silly she looks through the eyes of OTHERS. That is making her angry because it is RUINING THE AFFAIR.

From here on out, she will have to FIGHT HARD to ever get back the fantasy, "pretty" feelings she had for the OM. This is the beginning of the death of the affair. What will help put the nail in the coffin is giving the OM a little treat.

So, DO NOT DESPAIR. This is all going very good, bgtg. You can't see it, but it really is. Stick to your guns, don't lovebust and DO NOT put down the OM, ok? You are doing just fine!

noodle's last post to you is amazing to me, so well articulated--so much said with so few words. Keep it bg and read it thoroughly
Lake

bgtg, please read carefully what noodle said to you:

Mel,

What is the little treat that you refer to?

By the way, reading BOB PURE now. Good stuff.

bgtg, aren't you getting ready to drop a little bomb on the OM? Did you send that letter we discussed?

Are you talking about the letters to HR director and CEO? If so, yes I sent them. I honestly don't believe the hospital will do anything.

Also, I have the phone number for the parents. I have been trying to figure out exactly how to approach them. I can't just come out and say he is having an affair with my wife. It may shut them down to me. I also need to find out from them if he is still married or divorced. What was her name and how can I contact her. How long ago he was divorced, if this is the case.

Suggestions?

My WW has been speaking with all of my supporters and is trying to make them understand that what I am doing is futile. They see what has happened to me physically and emotionally, and don't think that it is worth the fight. I have been telling them that no matter what I need them to stay strong for me and not listen to what she has to say. They understand why she is speaking the way she is, but it does not make it any easier for them. They can't possibly understand what this feels like, and what they are having to do requires little strength and effort.

Ok ya'll, major setback. I contacted OM's father and he was not very helpful to my cause. He was very open and willing to provide me with information, but asked that I not tell OM or my WW that I called him. He was able to support the things that OM has told my WW. I was able to figure out who the ex is.

My wife is convinced that this guy is a "good guy" and is not lying to her. I can't disprove that yet.

I feel like my marriage is doomed to divorce, and there is nothing I can do to stop it.

I would like to believe that my WW saying that she doesn't know if she'll stay with this guy (but we are still over), is a good sign, and is the start of the end of the A. Could just be fogtalk and part of her game of chess.

Mel, can we proceed with that private forum. I will get the information again from my sister-in-law. I tried to contact you, but I am guessing you are at work.

Thoughts?

Please go ahead and get that info from your SIL, and then let me know at my email address.

Your marriage is not doomed to divorce. This is all par for the course, so stop with the gloom and doom. We won't tolerate it! This is not hopeless!

Mel,

I'm sorry about the doom and gloom. I have been thinking
a lot and have come to a realization that I have been trying to make this happen. I have been doing everything to bring the affair to light, and trying to make it end. I can't control that. I think it will have to die it's own death now that everything has been brought out. I am just going to have to suck it up that she is ultimately going to do what she wants.

I feel like I have been inadvertently committing some LB's in my efforts. I am not giving up on our marriage, but I am going to stop trying so hard to make the affair end. I am going to start refocusing on mine and the kids well being, and not worry about her self-destructing.

She told me yesterday that she would move out and take the kids with her. I told her that the kids weren't going anywhere. I know I can't stop her from leaving, but I am by far the most stable parent in our children's lives right now.

I've been wrestling with this whole idea of establishing a life of my own (she has been my life for so long), while still trying to meet her emotional needs. It's hard to meet those needs when she won't let you.

Bottomline is that I am going to relax. I am going to tell her that I don't want to get a divorce. I am going to stop pushing so hard, but still continue with things I have in place.

This is a very hard path. I don't have control over most of it. I can tell you that the steps I have taken have pushed her further from me (perhaps because of the manner in which I've conducted them).