I just called my WW this morning, at her work, to organize what time the kids and I were stopping by her work to let her say goodbye to the kids. She and I had a quick but fun conversation. She was obviously missing the kids and told me to tell that she missed them. I let them speak with her.

She spoke with both of my kids and after speaking with my daughter, I needed to talk to her. When I got back on the phone my WW was crying, but trying to hide it. I asked her if she was okay and she began sobbing even harder. I re-extended the invitation for her to come with us. She still turned me down (which I figured she would).

A few minutes later she called me back still crying. She told me that she really missed the kids. I told her that I knew that she did and that when they are with her I miss them terribly to. She said that she knew that and told me that she would call me in a bit because she had to get back to work.

I think this was a very positive development. My plan is to take her lunch when we meet with her

So, I have some really juicy information to update you all on.

I have been Plan A'ing, as you are probably aware, and went by my WW's work right around the time that she was getting off of work. Guess what, I found her and the OM making out at his truck. I of course got out of my police car and had a few choice words for him.

I told him that he was a lowlife scumbag, a loser, and a homewrecker. I told him that he has no honor and that if he did, he would have walked away because an honorable man does not pursue a married woman. His response was a very whitty "ok". I then told him that it wasn't only he, my WW, and I who were affected. I told him that I have a 10 yoa son and a 7 yoa daughter at home who are devastated by what is happening to their family, and that he does not "give a crap about my children". His response was to deflect the blame from himself to my WW. He said I am not doing this alone. What a freakin' spineless coward. He couldn't even stand up for my WW. Now that is love!!! My WW tried to intervene by saying "yeah BGTG1, I am just as involved". I said "yes you are, but he should not have or be pursuing you."

My WW said that "we are separated." I said "yes, we are separated, but we are still married". I also said that if OM had any dignity, he would at least wait until you were divorced, and so would she.

My WW just walked around with her head hung. I'm sure that she was feeling like a total skank. This man was scared out of his mind. I literally thought that he was going to piss his pants!

I asked my WW how she was going to be at our kids school in time to pick them up when they got out. She said that she was going to be there. She had only 10 minutes and it is at least a 20 minute drive at that time of day. I told her, "after all, they are the most important thing here". Probably a disrespectful judgement, but she needed to hear it.

I told the OM that he needed to leave. He tucked tail and left. When he left, he committed a traffic violation, but I had to let it go. The 2 times I have been behind this guy he has committed 4 traffic violations. Would love to give him some personal attention, but can't.

There may have been some things that I said and did that were not appropriate to my cause, but I had to do it. I also feel like now this man CAN NOT hide behind a vail of secrecy and now has a face (along with fear) to go along with the name. My wife now has to deal with the shame.

After I left, I went and told my Seargent about what had happened in the event that this spineless whimp tried to complain on me. My Seargent had no problems with what I had done. This guy won't complain. What would he say? "I'm banging this officer's wife, and he yelled at me when he caught me making out with her." They would probably tell him to go jump off of the nearest high bridge.

This changes nothing in my eyes. I actually started laughing after we all left.

I really need some feedback here on this. What did I do wrong? Will this help to speed the demise of this thing? Did it hurt or help my cause?

Speak to me people!

I told you this guy was a [censored] and would wet his pants if you spoke to him. You did just fine. I would look for every opportunity to visit with him and discuss the situation. In fact, it might be a good idea to pay him a visit at home and ask him what his intentions are for your wife. Don't make it easy for him to destroy your family.

I am sure he doesn't look too great in front of your wife, either, since he is so easily scared. ugh, what a chump!

Thanks Mel,

I also really appreciate your input and look forward to it. I am still trying to Plan A.

My WW listed our ATV for sale. I personally have no problem with this because it was her's and my daughter's to ride. She will be giving me half of the money. I am having her come over to the house to dicker with the guy if he wants to buy it.

I have alterior motives though. It gives me a chance to see my children and my WW. I want to see how she reacts to me. I can tell you that she really does not want to come over here to do this.

Do you think the events of today will have any real affect on the A?

It will cause conflict in the affair and this guy is only around for the free, unemcumbered fun. If you start causing trouble, he is likely to run. It is helpful for him to see the FACE of the man whose marriage he is trying to destroy. He can now put a real live person to the name she has so demonized to him all this time.

Also, it sure doesn't make him look good to be humiliated like that in front of your wife. He just looks like a wussyboy and most women find them pretty disgusting.

Thanks Mel. Check our other board. I had another question that I posted hoping for your insights. You answered 1 of them here.

Man, it felt so good to go off on his pansy [censored]! I would love to do that again, but have another surprise in store for him. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

What you did wrong was not doing this much sooner! If you have always been an officer you should have given this mank (male skank) a potato sack (over the head) party! Did you get his license plate number so that you can run some dirt on him (don't answer here)? I'm sure there is something on him... at the very least it sounds like he doesn't wash his feet in the shower... he just lets the soap drip and calls it good... (sounds pretty manky to me)

Are you paying (even partially) for this apartment that your WW is staying in? If so, you should make it a regular thing to scare the jiggernaults out of Manky. Or maybe we should give him a pants nickname... maybe Mr.SoilPants?

Have you considered (don't answer here) giving him a credible threat? Something that he would not mistake for a bluff... something that will make him ask himself if he is prepared to (possibly) "suffer" to be with your WW? Most OMs are cowards and know that they deserve the butt wooping... he knows he has it coming...

Keep Plan Aing your wife, but keep Plan Fing the Manky Mr.SoilPants...

Hs

HS,
Thank you for posting. I like the nickname, however I think I'll go with Mr. Poopypants. Has a much better ring to it. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

The answers to your questions are as follows.

1. I have known who Mr. Poopypants is for the majority of the time. I have tried to do things so that there would not be any questions about my NOT abusing my authority. I did hire a PI for helping me with my exposure and checking on this schmuck.

2. No, I am not paying a cent towards her rent. I told her that if she was moving out, she had to pay for everything on her own. This is on top of still paying for 1/2 of our house payment. We just closed on our new house on 6/30, and that same day was her first cell phone call to him. That really irks me.

3. I'll answer #3 by simply saying "yes".

I am going to find it very hard to continue Plan A'ing. I am pretty upset right now. I am hoping that her new found guilt (and possibly feeling like a skank) will weigh on her for a while.

Either way, I am planning to move to Plan B within the next week or 2, depending upon how things go.

Thanks again, and please keep reading and posting.

To all who can help me with my feelings and emotions right now please chime in.

The events of yesterday have kind of settled in with me today. I have gotten to the point of anger and frustration. The reality of it is that I am now pissed about what I saw and her utter lack of regard for me and the children. She is so incredibly selfish it makes want to vomit.

I called her about the guy coming to pick up the ATV and wanted to make sure one of us was here. After we talked about that, I asked her if she got my note on her car. I had stopped by her car this afternoon and left a note telling her to tell the kids hi for me and give them hugs. I also said that I hoped she had a nice day. She said that she had gotten the note and immediately accused me of going by her work, around the time she got off, to spy on her. I actually thought this was good, because I think to a certain degree it will affect their after work meetings. I told her that I had gone by around noon, and that my intentions were totally harmless. I told her that I was trying to do something nice. I also told her that even though she may not believe it, I am a good man. She said "I know you are BGTG".

She then started trying to talk divorce with me. I told her that I was not going to talk about it. She said that I was going to have to at some point. I told her that it is between our attorneys. She asked me who my attorney was. I told her that her attorney knows. She told me that her attorney didn't know. I said that my attorney would be in contact with her's. I also told her that I do not do divorce and that my vows were for life. I also told her that I am fighting for my family. She then went into her normal fogtalk. I just tried to blow it off. She asked me if I was going to sign the papers. I played dumb and asked her "what papers?" She said the divorce papers. I told her that I thought I had already told her that I don't do divorce. She then asked me why I would want us to spend a bunch of money that we don't have. I certainly have more money than her (because I have been hording it and not spending it like her). Maybe this scares her as well.

She then started in on me about changing the visitation arrangement that we currently have with our children. She does not like not having them on the weekends. She is trying to make it hard for me because she knows that during the weekdays I can not drop the kids off at the YMCA because I have to start work at the same time that the kids can be dropped off. I told her that I didn't want to talk about these things anymore.

The conversation was very tense. Truth be told, I have been feeling all day like I can no longer Plan A. I am so frustrated with her right now that everything that I do will be an LB (which is an oxymoron because I have no credits for me in her love bank).

Mel, suggestions on me going to Plan B? Also, anything else you think I need to hear. I am not letting her fogtalk bother me. Her complete disregard for our family is what is pissing me off so much!

Mrs.Man, can you offer input on what you think is going on in her mind? As a FWW, you might be able to help me out here. Was your sitch to the point of D or did you come out of it before it came to that? The D process is only beginning for us.

I feel like the events of yesterday have done nothing. Maybe it is because she feels even more like the A is threatened. I don't know. Like I've said, she is like trying to read a book with no words. Either way, I do not feel like I can Plan A.

She knows that I am angry at her (I didn't try to hide it). She still gives me the sad face and eyes, but I can tell that she is responding with some anger as well.

Please chime in all you wise people.

P.S. One thing I have seemed to notice is that when she seems to feel threatened, she talks about divorce. This is the first time that she has brought it up since I got the papers.

I find it hard to believe that she didn't know thw court date. Maybe she had cold feet? Also, don't you think that this whole divorce thing is just a test for her to see how the OM will react? And don't tell me that her lawyer actually told her that he didn't know who your lawyer was. Very wierd!

BO9,
I think I have inadvertently given a false impression. We have not gone to court yet. I was served papers 2 weeks ago and my lawyer is taking it from here. He knows my goals and I told him to do what needed to be done.

Also, I really wish I could believe that she is doing this as a test to the OM. I think it is actually the other way around. I believe that he is pressuring her to end it quickly. I have also been told by a close friend, with whom my wife had an in depth conversation, that my WW is probably considering marrying this guy at some point. I think it will be sooner than later, if we D. I am in protect my children mode right now. They are suffering so much, and I am the only one fighting for them right now.

Please keep reading and posting. You offered a perspective that I had not considered, and look forward to reading more.

Hi bgtg1,

I have been following your thread for a while. I am sorry things aren't any better for you at this time.

I am not sure what to advise you regarding Plan B. All I can say is, that I myself would have never been able to do a Plan A - but that's me. My FWH stopped the A immediatly after I found out.

I give all of the posters, including you, a lot of credit for doing a Plan A. I just wonder, how far can you go in a Plan A, before you lose all of your love for your spouse? I think it is a delicate balance in trying to "score points" with your WS, while at the same time trying to keep your love from depleting.

Can you refresh my memory - is the OM married, does he have children?

My thoughts are with you.

Take care,

alex

Alex, you are exactly right about losing love in Plan A. This is why it is not meant to be a long term plan. Dr. Harley has even spoken of women who had nervous breakdowns from staying in Plan A.

Alex,

I appreciate your willingness to pay attention to and follow my sitch. This really does suck. My WW has only gotten worse. Quite honestly, I am losing my love for her very quickly. I am getting to the point where I feel nothing but resentment and anger toward what she has done to my children, our family, and me. The truest victims here are the children.

This has been a battle for me for 2 1/2 months, and it has been nothing but miserable. I have had a couple of points of feeling better about us, but that was just because I had unrealistic expectations.

Honestly, I don't know how much longer I can Plan A. She is making it nearly impossible. I do what I can, but she really has no desire to see or talk to me. Her anger and resentment toward me is extreme. I am trying to let things cool down a little bit between us, and when we do talk I am as patient and calm as can be.

I am still trying to figure out a way to keep the heat on the OM.

Please keep following and posting words of encouragement and advice. I need it on a daily basis. The roller coaster ride get old.

Quick update for those who are interested.

My WW and OM, from here on out named Mr. Poopypants, are currently enjoying a weekend of sin together. I at least have my children with me and am enjoying them as much as I can.

It is hard learning to live without my wife, not my WW - there is a difference. I miss her intensely. I miss her gentle voice, her loving touch, the comfort of our family, and her companionship. She has been replaced be an insane woman who doesn't care anything about anybody but herself and Mr. Poopypants. She is still insisting on a D, which I am fighting with all my might.

Hopefully things between them will begin to lose it's luster. I'm kind of in an unintentional 1/2 Plan B. We don't really talk much and don't see each other. She wants it this way.

Guess I'll be going to a full Plan B in the pretty near future.

No half @ssed anything Mr...you are doing too well.

Plan A until you plan B.

Have you drawn up a plan? Spoken with your lawyer..set up an intermediary?

Noodle,

Thank you for the compliment on doing well. Most of the time it certainly doesn't feel like it. It seems that she just keeps going further and further away. She wants me to sell the house (I'm holding onto it as long as I can, we just closed on it the day her A started), she is still pressing for D, has moved out, and is on a weekend lovefest with Mr. Poopypants. Hard to see the doing well. I will just have to trust you on this.

I have not drawn up my Plan B yet. Mel was suggesting that I try to Plan A for another month or so. I don't know if I have that in me, but I will try to the best of my ability. I just meant that my WW is not really giving me much opportunity to Plan A.

I have chosen my intermediary. She is a close friend of both of ours. I am a little concerned with this choice, but she is the only real choice I have. I will make it abundantly clear to her what I need her to do. One thing that does help is the fact that she doesn't agree with what my WW has been doing and supports me. She does communicate with my WW though.

I have spoken with my attorney, and my answer to the original D papers will be given to my WW's attorney in a few days. It will seriously make her upset. She was hoping I would just rollover and play dead.

Any of your outstanding words of advice. I read your posts on HS's thread and am envious. You are so insightful and very helpful. My sitch is way different from his, so I can only apply so much of what I read.

This whole process is frustrating and tiresome. It's only that way because of my WW. Trying to adapt to things though, just takes a while. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

I am too the point to where I am about to tell my WW to kiss my A$$ and that spouses (especially spouses with the relationship that we've had) don't even treat their animals like she is treating me. I am about to commit some serious LB's, and quite honestly don't care.

I am tired of her coldness and treatment of my children. They are so incredibly sad, but of course she refuses to see it. She treats me like [censored], and I'm fed up. I don't even know that Plan B will help, because she really doesn't give a rats a$$ about our marriage, and I am almost to that same point.

Do you get the impression that I'm FED UP!!!!!!!!!

I used to love her, but don't know about now. I feel like I would be much happier without her.

We had a phone conversation tonight and one in person visit. I was actually really good when I talked with my WW. I did lose my temper one time, but that was because she stepped over the line when it came to the way she made me look in front of my children. I have to admit that I did LB one thing. I told her that she was being selfish. I know I should not have said this, but it just came out.

I called my son's cell phone and he told me that my WW was taking our dog out of the house and taking her to a friend's house (Mr. Poopypants). This is a boundary for me, and I am not willing to flex on it.

I told my son to let me speak with my WW. I told her that I did not want the dog taken out of the house. She said that it was not fair to the dog for her to be in her crate for as long as she is. I told her the only reason she was in the crate so long was because she (my WW) didn't want me putting the dog on a chain in our backyard with her crate and blankets out there. I told her that the dog was not going to Mr. Poopypants house. She said that I had told her that the dog would be her's. I told her that I remembered telling her that (when I was extremely distraught early on), but I had changed my mind and that the dog was my companion.

During our conversation about the dog she said that I might as well take her to the pound. My daughter started crying in the background. This is where I lost my temper. I told her that I did not like that she made me look like that in front of the children when I had not said anything like that. I told her to let me speak with the children and I told them exactly what was going on. My WW had taken the dog out of the house, but said she would bring her back.

During our conversation we talked about her unwillingness to even try to save our marriage and keep our family together. She continues to talk about how she could never come back because of what has been said and done. I asked her what had happened that prevented that. She didn't have an answer. I told her that she had made her mind up about that when she chose the path that she did (meaning the A), and I felt like she never gave our M a chance. I told her that I did not want to talk about D. She said "what else is there to talk about?" I told her that I loved her and our family and that I was fighting for what I thought was right. I reminded her that I had a made a lifelong promise to her to love, honor, and protect her. I also told her that I was just trying to keep my promise. I also told her that I am trying to protect our children from what she is doing. This may have been a DJ, but I didn't see it that way. I again restated that I do not do D. She talked about the house and how I got it. I told her that she did not have to leave. I also asked her if she expected me to leave. I knew the answer, but wanted to see if she would say it. She just said that she missed the house.

She said why would you want to spend so much money (fighting the D). I told her that I did not care about money or our possessions, but that I only cared about our M and our family. She said "fine, I guess I'll be poor and broke and live in a GD apartment forever". She then said she couldn't talk to me anymore and hung up.

Also during our conversation I told her that if the dog was not going to be at the house, I did not want her (my WW) coming and going from the house any longer. I told her that the only reason I allowed it before was because the dog was there. I reminded her about the RO and that she had already violated it. I had to remind her about my journal that she read. I have contacted my attorney and left a message for him to call me regarding this violation.

When she got to the house, I was dressed in some of my new clothes (I must say that I looked good). I had my haircut a couple of days ago, and I smelled good. She looks really tired. I told her that I had plans and would be taking the dog with me. She was looking at me in my new clothes, and I thought that I could see that she may have been liking what she was seeing at least a little bit. I made a point to kind of put myself in positions that show off my best attributes. I was also very loving and affectionate towards my children (like I always am).

FOG FOG FOG!!!!

One positive is that she is really hurting financially and no matter how hard she tries, she can't conceal it.

Anyway, thought I did ok given the circumstances. Any thoughts about what I said or did? Always looking for input.

Mel,

What is up with our other site? I can't get it to pull up. Throw me a bone here.