I just told the OM goodbye.

It was hard as ******. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

I know I need to tell my husband about it, and was waiting for Sat. morning, but now I just found out he's working all day.

We have family plans on Sunday.

My confession will have to wait.

I'm not looking forward to the withdrawals or to telling my husband.

Marshmallow..

There will never be a "good" time to confess.

There really won't. I promise you that the planets will align against you and every week that passes will make it more difficult to do..and more difficult for him to accept.

There will always be an obstacle..and another..and another.

The passage of time is your enemy.

Ideally..you should have told your H *FIRST* and given him the opportunity to direct the NC letter to OM...the way that you did it was further betrayal of your H...I hope that you are able to see this.


Cancell family plans..do it TONIGHT.

*sigh*

I've betrayed my husband again???

My husband has been especially tired this week, has been pushing himself at work.

I just can't tell him when he's so tired. Next week will be better for him.

I just didn't want to wait on the ending the EA till then.

Finding a good time is important, but telling is even more so.

Be careful about putting it off until just the right time.

How are you doing?

SS

Oh, MM, listen to everyone, PLEASE.

Find my threads from April. Sheesh, I stretched it out and stretched it out. In the end it was done for me by a fellow MBer (as I've said before, she and I privately e-mailed and she knew my personal details - there's NO WAY that could happen to you). Don't forget that was his SECOND D-day and he was very upset that he had to be told by a third party and that I hadn't been honest enough to tell him myself.

It SHOULD NEVER have reached that stage. I should have had the guts to do it myself and do it as soon as I first had accidental re-contact with the OM. I should have done it THAT DAY. I even promised another MBer that I would tell my H that day. If I had, there would have been no further contact and I would not have been halfway to restarting the A.

No day, or time, or week will be better for him. Right now, is the ONLY time.

I know you're right. I REALLY will tell him early next week.

How am I doing? Sucky, as I deserve to be.

Thankyou for asking, though.

I really do feel like a junky. I have never been addicted to anything before. I have truly been in a fog.

Last night, I lay in bed w/ my husband, holding him, b/c work has been so taxing on him, and thinking about all he does for me and our family EVERYDAY, and I thought I should just be shot for what I've done.

Why couldn't I see all this before???

It's a whole new world Marshmallow.

If you will...allow me to point out the betrayal in what probably seemed like the best option.

In order to "continue" the EA you have to contact the OM or allow contact from him.

I really believe that it is possible to be unavailable for a week [I use a week because that is the timeframe you have given] without doing anything "official".

See...the way that you did this protects OM [and you] from your Hs preferences regarding how the affair should end.

Notice who is NOT being either respected or protected in this exchange.

It's sort of akin to saying..I went behind your back just one last time to put a stop to going behind your back. The exchange was carried out in secrecy and privacy between you and OM. Once again your H was excluded. He didn't get to decide..when..how..nothing.

He'll have to take your word for it that things went the way you say they did...and frankly he'd have to be a FOOL to do that...so it puts him in a very bad position.

You and OM have all of the puzzle pieces...H is left to speculate.

I'm going to a lot of trouble here to be detailed to point of redundancy not to rake you over the coals..but rather so that you can hopefully SEE the structure you have been operating on..and change it for future reference.

There is actually a detailed NC letter example available on this site that you could go ahead and take a look at [I'm willing to bet your goodbyes looked and sounded a lot different] and since you would probably be well advised to send one ANYWAY it doesn't hurt to have an idea about where to aim.

Saying that it needs to wait a week because he is *tired* is just...a really bad idea imo.

For one thing it's condescending and disrespectfull.

He's never going to be rested enough for this particular batch of news.

For another thing...continuing to do everyday activities while lying through your teeth will come back and haunt you..I can guarantee it...it will make him feel like a fool and seriously screw with his ability to trust HIS ability to discern truth from you.

If you are able to carry on with family outings as though nothing has happenned...hold his hand and smile at him while you have not disclosed this info...it will hurt you in the long run...it is damaging to recovery.

If you would like examples of this...just ask...post a question about that very thing...you will see that the longer the WS waits...the worse it is.

I really will tell him. I've made up my mind that I have to, since reading here.

I don't look forward to it, but I'm convinced now that he deserves to know about this. When I first came here there was NO way I'd have told him. But, I understand the importance.

I was reading Firsttimers thread today and got sick to my stomach over it. I want to do the right thing now. I really do.

Got it, now. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

I did eff up.... again.

Thankyou for your post.

You really think I should tell him tonight?

Tell him tonight.

My husband had already ended it. He kept waiting for the 'right time' to tell me. He kept thinking he would tell me 'today' but he never did.

When I found out I was devastated. The betrayal was awful, but the continued lying was so hurtful.

Tell him.

Send the kids away to spend the night with a friend and tell him.

MM,

unless your H is really, really tired - meaning he'll go to bed after dinner - I think a Friday night is a good time for this.
It will give you and H two whole days to start processing this.
If you tell him on Monday..
He'll be at work..
Hard to keep your mind on your work then.
Maybe he'll need to ask lots of questions..
Maybe not at first..
But on a weekend he has a choice of how to deal with it.

So yes, tonight would be a good time in my opinion.

Thankyou for your advice, Moveforward.

I'm sorry for what you went through.

I can't send the kids away tonight. But, I could take a walk with him for a bit tonight.

God, I'm so scared.

Yes, he'll be THAT tired...or nearly. Tomorrow he has to work all day....

You're doing the right thing, MM.
Hang in there.

Good idea on the walk. Sit outside.

You can do it.

Do you have a plan for recovering your marriage?

If so, be sure and tell him that as well.

Offer everything- every detail, your future calendar, offer transparency.

Send him here. Let us help both of you.

what is your plan for recovery?

how do you plan to keep yourself from contacting the OM?

How do you plan to react should he contact you?

I wish I knew what was going to happen.

And thanks.

Plan for recovery? I know what needs the OM was meeting that my husband was not. I also know the needs I haven't been meeting for my husband. I've already discussed this site and most of the info on it with him. He was positive about it.

Is that what you meant?

Dear MM,

I'd like to share one of my favorite stories with you.

One Night a man had a dream. He dreamed he was walking along the beach with the Lord. Across the sky flashed scenes from his life. For each scene, he noticed two sets of footprints in the sand; one belonged to him and the other to the Lord.
When the last scene of his life flashed before him, he looked back at the footprints in the sand. He noticed that many times along the path of his life there was only one set of footprints. He also noticed that it happened at the very lowest and saddest times in his life.
This really bothered him and he questioned the Lord about it. "Lord, you said that once I decided to follow you you'd walk with me all the way, but I have noticed that during the most troublesome times in my life, there is only one set of footprints. I don't understand why when I needed you most you would leave me." The Lord replied, "My precious, precious child, I love you and would never leave you. During your times of trial and suffering when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you."

You will be carried.

Plan on not contacting the OM?

I won't do it. And once I tell my husband about I expect his help. Is that wrong?

I honestly don't think the OM will contact me. I pray he doesn't. But, if he does, I'll send him the no contact letter that noodles suggested.