Wow, MM, I just read my previous post, and it sounds really harsh. I'm sorry for that, but I just want you to see the reality of the situation.

I am so proud of your telling your husband. You will get through this and it WILL be worth it.

Thanks everyone. I appreciate each and every post. And the time you took to write it to a stranger.

Brownhair, yours hit hard w/ your bandage analogy. Sheesh, I just want to get all this behind me.

And yes, Kiwij, it does feel like I'm twisting the knife I've already put in his back by telling him the unvarnished truth.

nc007, I will definitely pray for you and your marriage. I'm so sorry for all you've gone/going through.

Mrs. Rob,

Do you still miss your OM? I REALLY miss mine. I can't stop thinking about him. It's totally crazy. And WRONG, I know, but I just can't seem to control my thoughts at all. I really have been abducted by aliens.

It's as if I just woke up and realize how distant I've been to everyone in my life b/c of this sinful choice I made. And sitting in church makes me feel like I've never felt before. It's horrible. I had a few seconds where I thought I was actually worshipping. The rest of the time, I was just a pile of unhappy sin sitting on the pew, silently begging God to help me.

I need my husband to be strong for me. I need to lean on him, but you're right, Mrs. Rob, I brought it all on myself. So, it isn't right to ask him to help ME.

I need to see the light at the end of this dark and horrible tunnel.

*sobs*

No, I understood what you were saying.

yes, I miss OM. And the EN's he was filling that- especially now- BH isn't filling. And I know just how you feel about church. I went through a repentance process with my ecclesiastical leader, and read some books that were harsh, for sure, but ultimately enlightening and uplifting.

Remember, NO CONTACT. No contact no contact NO CONTACT!!!

Not only is it a further betrayal of your BH, but it will set you back eons personally. It will rip your heart out.

YOU be strong for HIM!! And get a journal and journal how you are feeling about OM. Don't let your BH find it though, that would hurt. My irrational thought was that I was mad at OM for respecting the NC and didn't swoop in and "save me." Whatever. As you get distance from the situation and the alien experiments start wearing off you'll see it for what it truly is. You were getting something from OM that you SHOULD have been getting from your husband who, if he's like mine, probably would have given me what I wanted if he knew what it was, poor guy....lol

And now guess what- you dont' get to put it all behind you. My BH says, "MrsRob, you did this and you dont' get to say when I should be over it." Hard hard hard. He's up and down, hurtful and angry- then okay and loving- then mad and asking for more details (though that is not much anymore, there's nothing left to tell).

And I think this is why an EA is worse. If it were only for sex, and no emotional involvement, heck, I could get that anywhere, or from, ahem, myself if necessary. But I was emotionally attached to OM- like I should have been with BH. "But OM understands me better. OM LISTENS to me. OM cares about what I have to say." OM this, OM that. All the while I'm taking from BH what should have been his- my heart and affection.

Yes, he did some things that were not good for our marriage. Yes he acted in ways that LBed. SO WHAT!! Nothing he did made him deserve what I gave him.

MM, I feel for you. I'll "talk" to you as much as you want- like I say, I"m only 5 months into it, but I know I appreciated- and still really appreciate- the insight of those who have gone before, and all the BH's that are kind enough to give me insight on what he is going through and what I can do to ultimately have a wonderful and fulfilling marriage.

MM,

You will need your husband's strength and love to help pull you out of the darkness...the only way to re-build is BOTH of you working together.

Yes, you will feel like garbage...you will feel unworthy and undeserving of the chance to make things "right" by your husband....however, as many others have said to you it will be worth it!

Stay in the light!...it will be difficult…you will have good days & bad days..and sometimes when you least expect it..thoughts of him will creep in…do your best to get them out of your mind…think of your H, your family…for me..I think about the phone conversation OM had with my H…squirming and begging to not tell his W…the W that he “loves so much”…that the time spent with me was such a huge mistake!...reminds me of what I meant to OM!...(NOTHING!)…Yes, this OM, whom I was willing to lie for, protect, and walk away from my marriage and my family for…this OM whom I had made into all these things that I was missing.. guess what?!...the OM was obviously seeing something else….the longer you are out of the fog..the more clear this becomes…

Look at the good things you have accomplished:
1. You told the Truth!
2. You know you have acted horribly
3. You saw the light!

Be thankful…you have a husband who is still there with you..be thankful for each day that he stays!...Talk when he wants to…be honest, be sorry, be respectful of how this hurts him…My husband still will ask questions, sometimes the same ones he has already asked…just know that it is the road you must go down, to rebuild your marriage…and YOU CAN re-build your marriage!

There are many here who have been in your shoes, felt what you feel, listen to them..take their words and let them be what you hold on to on those tough days...read what BS have been through, it will help you understand your husband through this as well...

Take care of yourself, take little steps every day, and continue to post here...it will help you especially on those days when you think you will pull your hair out if you don't "talk " to the OM....talk here instead!...and above all else remember!

I wish many WW would clue me in on how to persevere. I too feel scared and alone (?) because my WW took her emotions and shared them with OM. does it hurt? TO ****** IT DOES!!! but what is even worse is not the act but the justification of it.

Basically you cut the Balls off your H and served them to the OM and thats how at times we basically feel. Our egos are fragile and when such as this happens to us we are devastated.

All i can promise you is that if you stay the course then you will become a woman of noble character. One that acknowledges a mistake and makes attempts to correct them.

Dont pat yourself on the back though. Please realize that your H will NEVER be the same again. and sometimes he would have preffered to stay in the dark.

But as time goes by he will cherish the fact that you risked loosing him by TELLING the truth. That is what sets you apart from many a woman.

I am having a good day with my WW and praying to continue this way.

If you need to understand our mindset sometimes dont hesitate to ask.

God be with you.

Luv to your family.

Hi Marshmallow -

Hi Mrs. Rob - Having been through withdrawal and come out on the other side, I feel like I have to disagree with you about something:

"And get a journal and journal how you are feeling about OM." Stop thinking about OM. Period. The way to stop is: stop. The sooner you stop, the sooner you get through withdrawal. Think about your H and repairing the damage you have done. Think about your H's feelings first.

Also "Don't let your BH find it though" No more secrets! Having secret thoughts about OM is how we all got in trouble in the first place. Your feelings about OM don't matter. If you want to stay M, your H's feelings about OM are the only ones that matter.

I know it's not easy, and I might sound harsh, but if a few people hadn't been harsh with me (my pastor, my sister, and a close female friend) about NC and not thinking about OM, my M might not have survived. I was in the fog pretty deeply, and I thought people were mean and uncaring to speak to me the way they did, but somehow (slowly) the message finally got through to me. Make it easier on yourself by letting go of OM, and thoughts of him, sooner rather than later.

I believe it is an addiction to the chemical high of the way OM made us feel. Cold turkey is best.

God bless -
Rose

P.S. A book that helped me begin to forgive myself was "When Godly People Do UnGodly Things," by Beth Moore.

Rose, you are 100% right. no, a million % right!! No more secrets.

Glad to hear you made it through. I will check out that book.

Nuff said. true dat.

how much do you value your husband smile? His laughter his wink?

fight for these because they are real.

Dear MM..
of course you're thinking extra of OM NOW.
Why?
Because you feel bad.
Because you need a "fix".
My "fix" is food.
For some others it's smoking.
We can do just fine without when the sun is shining and we're having fun.
But when we're down in the dumps, we look for a quick fix.
It's conditioned into our minds and bodies.
It's not logical, it's self-destructive, but we yearn for that puff.. that ice-cream.. those kind words..
It's just because we can disguise a fix like OM as "love" that we think it's ok.
A cigarette.. yuck.
A fat person.. yuck.
But "love"? "Kindness?" Getting EN's filled?
Very hard to recognise that this is ALSO a fix.
But that's just what it is - your brain is yearning for the nice endorphines that it produces when thinking about OM.

Dear MM...
You don't need OM for that.
Right now you're conditioned to think that.
But in fact a beautiful sunset, a smile from your child, a kind word from your BH can just as easily set those endorphines going.
And positive thoughts.
Right now, you're at a very low point.
You'll need to hang on and believe it will get better.
Get this conditioning out of your system.
No more "puffs" !!
.

Thanks Mrs. Rob, for your post. I would be glad if you kept posting to me. And help talk me through this. It helps to know I'm not the only person to go through this and that my experience is not unique.

Thankyou 2crazy, for your encouragement. I need it. I'm afraid I keep wishing there was a 'short cut' to recovery. I'm learning everyday I come here, that there is no short cut.

It hurts to read your posts, NC. I pray your wife will snap out of her fog very soon and realize what a wonderful man she married. ((((((((NC))))))))) Please keep posting to me.

Rose, thankyou for your post. A friend of mine suggested I make a wish list about the things I want to recover in my marriage and the things I want to add to it. I think I'll include a wish list for the things I wish for our children, family, and friends...who I've also neglected b/c of my addiction. Then maybe I can plan out some actual things I can do everyday that will help my wishes/dreams come true. Everytime I think of OM, I remind myself that it's not HIM I love, but the Adultery I love. That way it forces me to think about how SICK that love really is. I'm trying...baby steps though. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Brownhair, thankyou for your post as well. You are a wise woman.NO MORE PUFFS FOR ME!!! I'll come here and complain about my w/drawal, so I don't contact him. I copied this from another thread somewhere...


I'm sorry I didn't grab the poster's name who posted this...but it is an excellent thing for me to read and re-read again.

Please keep posting to me everyone.

* Could someone please tell me how I could add a sig line to my posts?*

* And could someone please tell my whether Good father got custody of his daughter? I read his first thread here all the way through to the end, but it just left me hanging. Did he get to keep his daughter?*

That sounds like Justpeachy, I think she calls her EXWH Darth. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I journal a lot. I havent' journaled about OM in months and destroyed the times I did. But when you are on a quest for self-improvement- to stop needing your fix- it helps to journal your feelings.I try to journal about things I'm grateful for, and about things I could do differently tomorrow- where I can improve. My big issue now is relentlessly hounding BH about the state of our marriage and if he's going to divorce me yet. Very LB for him and not really all that fun for me, either! lol. I need to learn when to shut up and I have decided that this is fodder for journal introspection.

MM, this is hard! You're going through withdrawl and feeling sorry for yourself becasue you just gave up getting your EN's filled, and your BH is devastated.

Remember, he comes first now.

Hopefully your BH is not like mine who says I am not worth it and he doesnt' love me (though he says it) and that if it werent' for Dbaby he'd be long gone. I had an EA, with some phone sex that I admitted to (radical honesty is not easy, but at least I know there is nothing left to tell him and no way I can slip up- is it Shaden's sig line that says an honest person doesnt' need a long memory??? so true). And I hope and pray that he will forgive me, but so far he says nothing has changed about how he feels about me. He just wants to use me for sex, and the income I generate, and that's it. And maybe it will get better and maybe not, he does not know.

And that's what I get- uncertainty and sorrow- until I fill his love bank so full he can't help but see that we can have a good marriage. And the only person to blame for this sorry state of affairs (pun intended <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />) is me.

If you want it it will happen. I firmly believe that.

Thanks Mrs. Rob.

My H has been VERY quiet for the last few days. He was making me VERY nervous. Tonight he called from work and asked me to go out to dinner w/ him. We had a very nice time. Towards the end of the evening he asked me more questions about my EA. There's alot going on inside his mind that he's keeping from me. I'm glad he let some of it 'spill' out tonight. We had a nice time together though.

I'll wait to see what tomorrow might bring.

He is probably in a state where i was when i wanted to "Fix " things. to find out what the OM did so i could maybe do the same things.

We are just as confused and insecure as you right now. Thse rug was pulled out from under us and we are trying to get our footing back. Give it time.

This morning my wife asked me why was i smothering her.(just woke her up this morning and rested my hands on her shoulders and let them rest there.)

i am taking note that this is a step back in her confused mind from 2 days ago.

that caused me alot of pain this morning.

look you can make it. just be patient.

Ms. Rob, if you read this please tell me what to do from your perspective.

i think she knows that i love her.

MM you SHOULD KNOW THAT YOUR HUSBAND LOVES YOU. if he didnt he wouldnt invite you out to dinner . He is thinking. just give it time.


Pray my wife turn around like you one day.

MM do you think that i might stand a chance?

maybe i am just fluffing for encouragement.

i want her to know that i am here for her.

i do love her.

dont be afraid to let me know.

007- Bond, James Bond, lol- be a little standoffish. Not cold or mean, just not as there as you were. It's stupid, I know, but right now she is just thinking that you're smothering her and she just wants-thinks she wants- space. So give her a little space. Not too much but enough so she notices it. Plan A like crazy, but it is NOT being a doormat or a yes man. You have BOUNDARIES, darn it , and they are important.

I dont' know all your sitch, I'll check out your thread, but all the interaction you have with her make positive but not overwhelming.

JMHO. Don't seem needy or clingy. You should do what 007 does, not what OM did- and make 007 improvements so you are better and better than OM anyway.

Man, it's pouring here! I dont' think it's Ernesto yet (I'm in NC).....hope the power doesnt' go out... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

MM, just be open and honest with your BH, even if it's hard (it WILL BE HARD). Honesty now will lead you to no further problems in the future. Try not to discuss EA or M unless BH brings it up. But make sure when you do discuss it, he knows you will be fully honest with him.

I know you're hurting, although you didn't mention it. From two places- withdrawl from OM and realizing just exactly what you did to BH. You can do it....we can help <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />.

Yes dont sweat it. DO NOT BRING UP HOW THE OM MET YOUR NEEDS. wait a little. let him bring it up(EA).

Ms. Rob, It (Ernesto) missed Jamaica by just mere miles. Boy.........were we lucky.

MM play your cards right. It may sound funny .....but have you ever thought about plan A?........ for your husband?

It will surely build your character.

Make you better, more appreciative.

let us know whats happening.

Nuff Luv. One Luv.

Yes, I really do think you stand a good chance to win her back, but I think you REALLY REALLY need to pull back from her. She needs the room to sort out her internal struggles.

And think about this for a moment...the OM has a girlfriend...and yet, your wife found an unavailable man attractive.

I think you need to become a man of mystery. A man who will enjoy his life w/ or w/o her. Re-read the Wondering's posts to you on your thread. They say this in many different ways. And I believe they are 100% correct.

I see reason to hope for you. But, please, pull back on the lovey dovey stuff. I know it is terribly difficult, but try to find another outlet for your passions. Take on a big outside project or start a new hobby....something that will say to her you will be OK whether she stays or not and will give you an outlet for all your powerful emotions.

Thankyou for your reply. I am still hurting. In both of the ways you mentioned.

I will let my H bring up the subject whenever he wants to. And I am really making an effort to be as honest w/ him as possible about it.

He doesn't always share what is going on inside in head w/ me. Sometimes, it will come out of his mouth when he is angry. So, I am bracing myself for that b/c it is a possibility.

Thanks for checking in w/ me today.

Plan A him?

Yes, the part where I make personal improvements. And try to meet his needs? You betcha.

But, I think I'll skip the part about becoming a woman of mystery...don't think H would like THAT. LOL