i am back from roaming. Do somthing for myself? ok i will get a girl..................JUST KIDDING.

look all i can do is just show love and pray and pretend to enjoy life w/o her.

dont know if last nite was a success or a failure.

anyway MM really..........just love the husband God gave you. he symbolizes what forgiveness is all about. he is still there.

you will make it.

will go pray for you all again.

Ms Rob....where are you. i think i did a bobo.

need a little elp here. sorry MM justa borrowing both your help.

bumpin up so Mrs. Rob can find you!

Yeah, I could use her today as well.

It seems missing the OM is harder in the morning than any other time of day. I don't know why.

It's been over a week of NC. I still miss him. Sick and stupid, I know. I'm still entertaining fairy tales of what life "could be" w/ him.

I need a smack in the head.

Marshmallow -


A week isn't very long. Distract yourself. Get busy doing something (ask your H how work is going, watch a good movie (with your H would be good), read, clean house, run errands, etc.) It gets easier over time. Have you and your H read His Needs, Her Needs? The sooner you begin to fill each other's needs, the better.

Re the birthday card, when the fog lifts, you will be sooooooo glad you didn't send it! The less foggy you get, the more foolish you will feel about the decisions you made. It's embarrassing, but you can survive. Just quit embarrassing yourself now.

Haven't there been tons of times when you thought, "Oh, if only I hadn't done that!" Well think of this as an opportunity not to do something so later you won't have to be thinking, "Oh, if only I hadn't done that" again! This is a new chance not to do the wrong thing.

God bless,
Rose

Thankyou so much for your reply, Rose. I needed to read all of your words.

I plan on ordering His Needs Her Needs as well as a few other books next week.But, we both have taken the EN's questionaire and we are both trying to meet each other's needs more. I've read all the articles here, and have been reading these boards. ALL of it helps.

Intellectually, I know my fairy tale thoughts are just THAT, but I still don't have control of my emotions yet. They seem to be leading me astray constantly.

I actually look forward to the day when all I feel is embarrassment. I feel that to a certain degree right now, but it's the competing emotions that are stronger right now. Ugh! I need to find my personal integrity again. How does one recover THAT?

I will keep your words in my head when I'm tempted to get in touch w/ the OM. "Stop making a fool of yourself, Marsh!"

Marshmallow -

"I need to find my personal integrity again. How does one recover THAT?" By doing what you are trying to do now - turning away from doing the wrong things and beginning to do the right things. You can't change the past, but you can do better from now on.

Glad if I can help. I've been where you are (except mine was PA) and I remember how awful withdrawal is, and the things I suggest are what I learned going through it all. Hang in there.

God bless,
Rose

Thankyou so much, Rose, for your good advice and your encouragement. I can't tell you how much they mean to me.

(((((((ROSE)))))))

I wish there was a short cut through withdrawals. *Sigh*

Please post again to me.

MM,

As Rose has said, your personal integrity is restored when you stay on the path of NC and re-build your M with your H.

The feelings of being torn and reaching for the "fix" will subside. However, each time you renew contact in any form, you will prolong that goal. The thoughts will come & go with each day. For me every minute, every hour, every day, I got through one step at a time. Celebrate (within yourself) each day of NC. Chalk one up on YOUR side. It is a long tough road, but it is also one that you can walk!

Keep the faith, be strong, and look to your husband for the strength you need. He is obviously a good man to want to work through this with you, and rebuild your M.

You CAN do this! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Almost forgot!

There is NO shortcut through withdrawl. "That which does not kill us..makes us stronger"..just think how strong you will be when you come out on the other side! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

MM - You're welcome! Thanks for the cyber hug. I'll check in again. (((((Marshmallow))))) - a hug right back at ya!

2crazy - I always heard that saying as, "What doesn't kill you makes you tougher." My family says, "What doesn't kill you makes you suffer." LOL Both ways, the saying is true.

God bless,
Rose

I got through withdrawal after an 18 month PA.

The A ended in June 2003, my H found out in October 2003. Once he knew it became much easier as I focussed on my H and not the OM. Finding MB in Feb 2004 also helped me a great deal.

It took about a year to really let go of the OM in my head. My H knows this.

When contact with the OM restarted in April (EA) of this year I suffered no withdrawal at all after ending all contact after 2 weeks.

I like your family's version better! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

KiwiJ-

I'm glad your M survived that situation last spring. It's good to know that it was easier to detatch that time. My FOM lives across the country from where I live, so I'm glad I don't have to worry about running into him. I also don't worry about him looking me up. Once the fog lifted, I realized I really wasn't important to him at all.

I failed at NC the entire first year after d-day. I would go about 2 months, then cave and e-mail him. They weren't "romantic" e-mails, just stupid checking to see how each other was doing. Very boring, very empty, but still very wrong. I told my H about them a year after I finally stopped contact, and my H almost left me then (which was two years after the first d-day). It was horrific, and his reaction finally opened my eyes to the damage I had done.

It's easy not to contact FOM now. I shudder even to think about it. I don't even like him now. I don't ever want to go through something like that again, and I really don't want to lose my H!

My immediate prayer after I left FOM was that God would take what the devil and I had meant for harm and use it for good. I was terrified, but believed God could turn my life around. Restoration has been slow and painful, but I am amazed when I count all my blessings now and see the positive changes in my life, my H, and our M. I know I don't deserve it, but I guess that's the whole point of Christianity. God gives us grace even though we don't deserve it.

God bless,
Rose

By the way - I registered at MB at about the time I finally really ended contact. I don't think I've ever posted asking for help, but reading here and being reminded of the pain A's cause the BS really helped me to get out of the fog and stay in NC.

Thanks, 2Crazy. I AM struggleing w/ missing him every minute of the day. It just seems worse in the morning. But it pretty much sucks all day long.

I'm not sleeping very well either. Is this normal? I can't stand the inward torture that is going on inside me. I am pretty much just going through the motions.... doing what needs to be done and trying to do a bit more than that. But, it often (not always) feels as if I've left my emotions somewhere else and don't know where they are or how to get them back. I suppose they've all been given away to the OM and now I haven't got any to give to those who truly need and deserve them.

My mind will wander to the OM and my missing him, and my husband will see my expression and ask me what's wrong. Should I be telling him what's wrong?

Am I still sinning b/c my emotions are somewhere else? As soon as I start thinking about the OM, I try to refocus my mind on my husband and my family. It's just that I keep thinking about him over and over again.

I'm trying to do the right things, it's just that I feel so disconnected to everything and everyone. Is this normal?

I keep telling myself that my feelings don't matter, just my actions. And eventually my feelings will catch up to my actions. God, I pray this happens quickly.

I was thinking about the Bible verse that says, " As a dog returneth to his vomit, so a fool returneth to his folly.Proverbs 26:11 And thought how true that is for WS's. It is just sick.

Stupid question: Why did you continue contact w/ the other man? Were you hoping to reconnect w/ him again?

RE: Not realizing how hard this was on our husbands....

Last night I had the most horrific dream. I won't give you the boring details, but I'll just post the essence of it.

I had done something stupid in my dream that threatened the safety of my family. Two things stood out in my dream. One was the look on my husband's face when he realized the danger we were in. ( I have NEVER seen my husband look like this in RL.) And the other was the happy trusting expressions on my children's faces, as they did not realize the danger they were in yet. *SHUDDERS*

Needless to say, I didn't go back to sleep after that dream. All I could see was what I believed my self conscious was trying to get passed my foggy thinking..."Damn, girl, you don't realize the danger YOU did put your family in."

As frightening as the dream was, I take it as a good sign that I'm beginning to see things as they really are.



I'm praying that same prayer for my family.

Could you tell me what some of the possitive changes are that you see now in your marriage?

Also, what did you find the hardest things to get passed?

Thanks for your reply, KiwiJ.

A YEAR???!!!

I pray it doesn't take me that long to get the OM out of my head.

Why do you think it didn't take you as long to get over the second EA?

Marshmallow,
Something that helped me get over thoughts of my husbands affair was an article I read by a psychologist who specializes in trauma memory management. He explained that we have much control over our moods because we can control the things we choose to think about. I know that there are times we get triggered-a special song, TV show-whatever-might make you think of the OM. But it takes about 90 seconds once you start thinking about things for the emotions to follow. The trick is to "change your file" before the feelings follow. Somehow you have to force yourself to think of other things, so that the emotions don't have time to take hold. I'm sure remembering the OM brings about many happy feelings, but if you force your mind to think of other things, you can avoid some of the agony you are experiencing now.

MM,

As a FWW, I understand how very hard it is to get these thoughts out of your head. It takes work and effort to change your thoughts. With time, these thoughts will start to fade. But, as "starting again" said, you must learn to change your thoughts. You are in control of what you do with the thoughts that come into your head. Do you want to dwell on them and continue to feel self-destruction, or do you want to push them out and dwell on "better things"?

I am assuming you are a Christian from what you have written.

2 Corinthians 10: 3-5
For though we live in the world, we do not wage war as the world does. The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds. We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.

As soon as you become aware of these thoughts, physically tell yourself to stop. Take it one step further and add "Stop in Jesus name". Bring into captivity....EVERY THOUGHT....to the obedience of Christ. Immediately turn your thoughts to agreeing with the Word of God by saying scripture out loud, or by thanking God for something. James 4:8 - "Come near to God and he will come near to you." When we turn our thoughts to God and praise Him for what he has done for us, our thoughts are focused on Him. There is so much to be thankful for....start by making a list of what you are thankful for and keep that as your reminder when these "thoughts" of the OM creep in.

Here are some Scripture you might find helpful to dwell on:

Philippians 4:8
Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.


Psalms 19:14
May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart
be pleasing in your sight,
O LORD, my Rock and my Redeemer.

Psalm 51:10-11
Create in me a pure heart, O God,
and renew a steadfast spirit within me.
Do not cast me from your presence
or take your Holy Spirit from me.

1 Corinthians 15:10
But by the grace of God I am what I am, and his grace to me was not without effect.

2 Corinthians 12:9
But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."


Hang in there. It does get better, but there is no quick way. As time goes on and you remain in NC and continue to re-focus your thoughts, it does get better.

Remember ....
Think on things that are true......God's Word is true.
Think on things that are honest.....God's Word is honest.
Think on things that are just......God's Word is just.
Think on things that are pure........God's Word is pure.
Think on things things are lovely......God's Word is lovely.
Think on things that are of good report.....God's Word is just.
Think on things that are virtuous.........God's Word is full of virtue.
Think on things worthy of praise.......God's Word is worthy.