Hello all,
New member but I have been reading MB a few months. Married 14 years with two daughters 4 & 2 1/2

I don't know what to do but keep trying. Over a year ago things were all going hecktic. My wife My wife didn't want the buisness we just opened up for her (with a five year lease). We were in big debt from it and whe just wanted to dump it. Through the course of it I was drinking a little heavier too. She also wanted my name off some property we jointly owned because her father gave it to us 2 years earlier. and it was at that time last Aug. we started MC and I was asurred it would still be ours. Lets just work through our problems. Well through MC we saw Alcohol as a problem and we both stopped drinking.

During that year too, prior to MC, she was having a problem with seeing my family, saying my mom and sis were trying to take the kids away from her. She had no problems before and would ask my mom to watch them some times. During the year She wants only to see her family which are in Florida and Virginia. So she is doing a big pull away from my family which I could not understand we have been together for 22 years and did so much fun things together with my family.

So last Sep. I signed the property to her tinking that will help smooth things, She said her dad wants it that way and he is up in the years with bad health. She left with the kids to see them in FL. And she was JUST going. I got depressed, drunk, and called her sister asking her why wife wants to leave me. Why does she want me gone, does she want me to kill my self? I can do that. Well with that she called the police and they took me to get checked out. I'm ok.

Wife comes back after extending the trip and things are so-so. By october I find out she went to a lawyer to divorce me and move the kids to Fl. I confront her about it and she won't talk about it. She was so distant through x-mas always looking for something to be mad about. I'd ask how are we doing and she would say "I'm still here". By this time she had nothing to compain in MC so she would try to fabricat thing which MC would debunk and my wife didn't like it. Jan. 15 she told me to get a lawyer "your getting served". She had the papers drawn up sighned them but never submitted them. Things were rough. she moved to the couch for two weeks. Begining to end of March she said we could work things out if we move to FL for a fresh start. I know she cann't remove the kids from state without a court order.

I said I would think about it and she said think fast. We went to a Mariage retreat I had been asking for May and it was realy strange to be alone with her. She had picked it because I could check out FL again. When we come back she got on me about it and I said not at this time. She went balistic. Won't go to MC any more is down visiting her parents again for 3 weeks with the kids.

I feel I have been very giving, She has taken the kids away constantly for her need to visit her family. I have told my family to step aside as we try to work things out. I feel she is only taking and setting herself up the best she can for the time to pull the plug.

Any thoughts. I'm at the point of feeling taken atvantage of and want to say if you want to live like room mates get a job or lets work on repairing our relationship. Wwat I really want is my wife back.

I don't think she has another man but everything is a secret. A few people and a counselor suggested it because of her behavior. I think she is just unhappy and has become detached. From reading some of the posts here, if she feels she is done and is working through the D it's hard to pull her back.

And yes I have stopped drinking completely for a long time. It made her very angry especially at first because I think she thought the state might grant her permission to remove the kids from state. (I didn't drink that much.) I was really hurt when we went on our couples retreat and she accused me of drinking when we got off the airplane in May. I had not, but I had no one to dispute her allegation. I couldn't tell if she was serious or trying to wrongly accuse me. We were one isle apart and she sat with one daughter I sat with the other.

Every time I try to talk to her she doesn't want to. May to now since I told her not interested in Florida until we repair our relationship. but she just will say that will make her happy and nothing else to work on. Mean while our LB's are in real bad shape. I want so much for things to get better. I don't even know who she is some times. I miss my wife.

Since she has been down there with the kids visiting for over a week right now I miss her so much. I try to talk to her on the phone but she normally passes me off to the kids or talks to someone there while talking to me on the phone. The past two days I was even thinking again to take a leap of faith and talk to her about moving down there to make her happy. But I know I am afraid of the fact she may just be telling me things will be ok down there, then cut me loose when we get there. Or feel like she can do this whenever she wants.

I wish I could really be interested in down there and we could work on our relationship so I would feel secure to trust her. I also don't want to lead her on to say I might move down there and then back out and hurt her.

I really wanted to talk to her last night about this. I just feel she wont talk or it would be better in person when I get down there next week. Or I don't know what to do. I want to save our marriage.

There's a very selfish virus taking route in your W. If it is A related, there are ways to help. If not, there are still ways to help but may be from a different angle. Either way, get ready for a rough ride.

Call Jennifer C @ MB for a plan for you.

Secure your children's custody and let the court know that your W has been unstable in her relations with the family and very harsh on you. Her business decisions are scary so with her threats of taking the children away to another state, you are gravely concerned.

There's a good chance she is having an A and it's in FL.

Make sure you read His needs/Her needs. This will teach you how to communicate with the other gender. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

take care,
L.

I would do some investigating to see if she is having an affair. That is what it sounds like to me.

Went through the phone bills as I did before and don't see a sign of another man. I could still be wrong.

I went back to feeling very depressed today. I talked with her on the pnone and even told her I miss her and love her. She stopped saying that a good while back and I don't know, I didn't want to seem needy to her.

Whenever I tried to talk to her she said there was nothing to talk about. Last Thursday when I called her in the evening, I was feeling like I do today, and I told her I want to talk with her. She asked me like "you want to talk?" I said yes I don't know if you want to talk on the phone, when I get down thee or you don't want to talk. I was thinking of telling her I might be willing to move to FL or somewhere but I would have to really know we were trying to work things out before I could feel comfortable. I also don't want to do this and give here false hope if I don't want to go there. I didn't tell her this I just left it to her if she wanted to talk.

At the end of last June when she came back from her sisters in virginia I thought I overheard her say on her cell phone to her sister " the financial planner said not to worry about the AMEX (american express credit card that's in her name)" Was she messing with me so I overheard it or is she setting up her financials for her to File? Two weeks later things were somehat good and I was talking about US when she said "it's not going to be like it was"

One other thing I don't understand is she wanted to start MC last year at this time. After seeing my problems in the relationship and I'm working on them she doesn't want to go any more. Wife gave up on us. I continued. Switched MC then started going back to our old MC. She didn't see a reason to go then said I couldn't go because she wasn't going too. Said the MC said we shouldn't go alone. I said MC said it was ok if we were ok with it. Wife said she was not ok with it, cancel your Apointment. Next day I said I don't understand why you want to stand im my way to do all I can to try to save M. She said all your doing is going and talking. Your not doing anything. She may have talked to somone because she recanted and said I could go but was angry.

I'm not happy today. I'm really feeling like my heart is stomped on. It has been a very bumpy ride for the last year. I'm running to boarders now for His needs/Her needs.

Well She was down in FL visiting her parents for most of August and I was really missing her and the kids. I was even wondering if I should consider moving with her down there to make her happy. (She has said the damage I have done in the marriage has caused her to want to divorce becouse I say I will change but for how long). I considered it might be a good change for us. I wanted to talk to her on the phone about it or when I got down there. She was so cold I said why bother.

After we got back it was still in my head becouse I know she is serious. I even thought she may have submitted the papers last week. So this week end I opened the discusion and told her my feelings why I am afraid of moving down there and afraid she will divorce me when we get there if it won't work here. (a year ago I found out she went to a lawyer and asked about D and taking the kids out of state) I am condidering giving it a shot and I told her that as long as I am comfortable that we are doing it together and it looks like a good plan.

We have had a few discusions and a few things alarmed me. A quick move is important because she doesn't want to continue with this here. If I cann't find a job quick enough I could be like a property manager for her ailing father. (handyman for his couple rental apartments). Health insurance doesn't seem like a great concern. She wants to go back to school for dental hygenist I think. We are both 40 and have two daughters 2 1/2 and 4 y/o.

I believe she is being honest about giving it a try down there. If it doesn't work out she has a better safty net of her family if I fail. But we will bring our problems we have to work out, work through.

Bottom line today I told her I don't want to disapoint her or hurt her by looking for a job and not finding one, and don't want to take just any one. I don't want to say I will look, not find one and make her feel I will not move quick enough for her and she will feel like I let her down and back to divorce. She told me she does have the papers didn't want to have just anyone serve me. Do I want to move or not. Do we divorce then try to reconcile? there has been no A's that I know of.

I don't know what to do

We have been doing pretty well. It has been friendly and even affectionate over the past week. A few months ago my 4y/o DD sang the Barney song but said "I love you, you love me, we're a sad family". Don't know if she was kidding or felt the tension between my wife and I. This week end we were hugging and my DD said "she wanted to get in too!" Then sang "I love you, you love me, we're a happy family" I know it hit my wife and I hate this mess it's bringing my kids. They don't deserve it. So the past week my wife is happy because I asked her what it would be like to move to Florida. But she wants a definite yes that we are going in 6 months.

This past Monday she left early for the dentist came home in a bit of a mood and implied that I wasn't sending my resume out fast enough, being to picky for a job and didn't seem to be giving her a definite we are going. As I told her I am willing but will not go if I feel there is not a good plan and it seems right. (this may sound wishy-washy as that is what she said).

She then walked away and gave me the divorce papers and explained she didn't want me to be served at work or by a stranger. She then asked me what I want to do with them. Because she will cancel If I don't back out. I felt like she was putting the divorce in my hands and making me do it. I don't know what to do with it. We have continued to be like all is OK. I think I need to ask her if I am "served" or just sign that they are received give them back and see what she does with it. I understand her needs but I also feel like this is and has been a selfish demand.

Any thought?

October- I let my lawyers acknowledge receipt of D papers. Wife wouldn’t or didn’t want to acknowledge she was really divorcing me and breaking up the family. So I acknowledged she filed and was not working with me to restore the marriage. Too many DJ’s AO’s from her. Another problem too with her going to help her mom in Florida and had to take the kids. Would not let me put a boundary on that. I was afraid to stand up to the boundary too.

November- We were distant from each other still in the same bed but so far from each other. Some up’s and downs but I still made the bed every morning, helped with the housework, making meals for/with the kids, spending every minute I could with them.

December- Had to make my response to D and Start CSI info for Jan. Wife was so distant/secretive. She has gone to Divorce care meetings from Sep-Dec. Always secretive and never willing to talk. Telling me I am doing nothing to help our R. But not talking to me. Christmas was hard only her way.

Jan- had to complete and finish my CSI stuff (financial statement stuff) and now I was doing it in front of her or at least not hiding it. She told me I could stop the D or put an end to it. She said it like I was doing the D. So I told her respectfully that I did not want the D, She is asking for it, she placed us in court and she is going to have to OWN that. If any one can stop the D it is her. I am tired of her telling me I am doing nothing to repair the M and that is a BIG DJ. I feel differently about the M now too. Starting to think about plans for me and my kids. 2 weeks went by and still in limbo. My lawyers called to let me know the counterclaim is in and we are ready to move to the next phases. Going to get even more expensive. Property appraisals, Expert evaluations. I tried to talk to my wife for 1 ½ weeks to let her know if we are moving forward or not. No real response.

Well now she has not answered my counter claim or submitted her CIS. Court is moving to dismiss. I told her I want to move. Not just where she says’s to. (She has D enablers there.) I’m happy and sad at the same time. I want my Wife back and I want a to see my kids happy and not caught up in this.

I think I have to change the post heading because I am not sure what I want to do. Or what is the best thing at this point.

I think it is just about time for me to end plan A and go into plan B. I think it should be when we get our first hearing. Interogatories are about to go out and we should meet with financial and custody mediators. I think that is when I go into plan B.

I'm not sure if we will get there. My Lawyer told me there is a motion to dismiss by the courts because my wife didn't file her CIS or responce to my claim. I was told though that if the D gets dropped and we are at D in a year or 2 we pick up where we left off even my claim of fraud against her.

Tough week end. I worked last friday night and my wife didn't say too much she seemed a little distant when I got home. Sat morning she told me she sent our kids baby crib down to virginia with her sister. I was a little taken back as it looks like she tried to sneek it out of the house when I wasn't there and her other sister isn't even pregnant. Trying to get it out of the house before the D? I didn't say anything I didn't want to LB I want us to work.

A little later I went to install the operating sys on the new hard drive for our computer. (She removed the old hard drive for it to get fixed in virginia and they cann't find it now? 2months have passed) Well the COMPUTER IS GONE. I asked her where it was and she said getting fixed. Would not tell me where till she finaly told me .....Virginia. I LB'd and walked away to stop myself. Went to my meeting Sat night and we didn't talk too much later.

Sunday she tells me she is going to take the kids for a few days to go to Virginia to see her family. Her mom is having operation this week. I asked her to go without the kids she said no. I did have fun taking my one daughter to chucky cheese when my other DD went to a birthday party. We met up at Mcdonalds.

Sunday night we discussed sitter for monday morning when we are to go to MC. She aid she asked her niece. I said I asked my mom. she would not back down and niether did I (She has become very controling. If I agree it doesn't not help. If I ask for something especialy wth my family it's no). She said she will not go to MC then. I said that's your choice. I went alone. As I have done many times.

Monday night I went to mandatory Parent Education class for divorcing parents. They told you of the divorce steps and working through them. Seems this county "prides" them self on how quick they can process a divorce. 6-9 months median case 5 months from date of filing. They also told me the special phrase that lets kids know the divorce will be ok. And this works for ALL their problems. "Mommy and Daddy love you....." I think Family court is a little too Un-family.

I reviewed with my lawer my concern fo her always taking the kids away and not allowing me to do the same. They said her info is into the courts now and we are moving ahead with the D. They also are putting a complaint into her lawyer about this comming weekend. I know she is going to be pissed but I have to stand up too and not just be a door mat all the time. It's been almost 2 years we have had problems and they are so much worse.

I really don't want the D but I cann't take too much more. I've told her more recently how much it hurts when she says I have done nothing for our relationship for the last year to year and a half. And she just replies you know what you have to show me. Move to where I say.

Wow. Are you sure that she isn't planning to take the kids and move to Florida? I would be worried about that.

I found out that was her plan last year July to sep 2005 when she actually went to the lawyer with that in Oct 2005. I found MB and have been trying to live by the principals as well as following AA. She found out last Feb she could not move with out me and told me she would not D me if I agreed to move there. I cann't if I feel we are not a team. It has been a constant struggle through the year with a slippery slope toward the D.

I feel like she does not want the M any more and is just trying to get me to go. In the meanwhile trying to set up presidence to put it in the D for her to take the kids and go. But she did sign my oldest up for Kindergarden Next Sep. and DD3 for Pre-K here. Maybe she will stay here with the D. That makes me feel selfish for her to see her family in another state. On the otherhand she keeps hurting me and my family.

It is ALWAYS a mistake to try to save a marriage by caving in to the demands of one spouse. You should follow the POJA for any decisions. I've seen people move, change jobs, reenlist in the military, get out of the military, buy a house, etc. to try to appease the other spouse. It often doesn't work, and they end up divorced anyway.

I would let her know that when the marriage is back on track and has been for a period of time, you will consider discussing the move.

Has your wife always been this controlling?

Believer- Thank you for the encouraging words. I have prayed on this alot and I know it is what must be. I falter sometimes thinking if I give in to her demands it will help. Even our MC told me it isn't helping. I hope she will come back and try to work together.

Thanks again for the boost

Hang in there and stand up for the marriage. Let her know that you would like nothing more than to have a better marriage than before. But don't cave in. Women don't love men they can't respect.

Yesterday she told me she was going and going to take the kids. We had a discussion later and I told her to go if she needed to but I am not ok with the kids going. If she wasn't breaking up the family but working as a family I would feel different. Today I asked if she was planning on going and she again wanted to go through it again. I stated how we have to work together and not make demands. I heard allot of "You don't want kids" and "your only thinking of yourself". I told her we could leave Sat morning as a family as that is what I am trying to keep together.

I feel bad because her mom did just have surgery but as in last October I told her your mom needs your help. Go help her and the kids can stay at home. She has made so many other trips with them/ with out me. Our MC even suggested to set this boundary because always giving in does not allow her to see the effect of the D she is seeking and it is enabling her separateness. I hope I didn't push her further toward the D she seems to be teetering two steps out, one step in sometimes.

Also today she saw two books I got from the library called Divorce Poison" and "Between two worlds". I wanted to read about the effects of D on children in the event we have to go through with this. She went at me "so is that what you are looking to do poison the children through the divorce." I told her “I love my children, I don't want my family torn apart, and I want to protect my children from the poisons of D". I told her a little of what I read about children living between two world and how it effects them. Also how conflict in marriage demonstrates to children how to resold difference of opinions. And how couples who try to overcome obstacles many times will if they don't give up. She said that’s why she is having a hard time doing this.


I'm at work for the evening. I'll find out if she went when I get home, or if we have plans for going this weekend. Even if we go this weekend I think it will be rough with her and her family. I'm sure they think I'm a jerk.

Did I set a boundary or LB?

I got a "Curtacy" (as she named it)call on my way home from work at midnight. She was already in virginia. My wife wanted to le me know she has gone to see her mom. Our house is cold and empty. I did noice she shushed DD4 when she was talked about this weekend early this morning. We talked before I went to work but I guess she just feels she will do what ever she wants.

So if she does whatever she wants....what is YOUR plan?

Make a plan for you and your children. Expect her to revolt and be uncooperative. Plan for it.

L.

I have a call into my lawyer they had stated priviously next step would be go to he court for an injunction. Not sure if I want to do that.

I want to call my wife. Not sure if I feel like talking to her right now or what to say to her.