I've been posting in the general section, but thought that this was the best place to post now.

My wife told me that she wanted a divorce on July 17, 2006. I took a look at cell phone records and found that she had been talking and texting with someone extensively, so i called the number and a man answered. I confronted her and she said that it was Steve from work. Just a friend who "understands what she's going through".

She said all the classic things including:

I love you but i'm not in love with you.
You deserve better.
I've never loved you.
We got married to young.
I don't feel that way.
I'm not attracted to you.
I'm not happy.
I don't love you.

So I've been struggling for the last month plus. I've implemented Plan A and lost like 35 pounds, a real problem between us for years. I started dressing better (after feeling better about myself), did a 180, etc. Then I got her to go out to dinner with me tonight. Later on in dinner she asked me that if she had had an affair, would I still want to stay with her. I knew what was next. She admitted the following:

1. Five years ago, she attempted an affair with this guy Dave from work. He turned her down because he had a girlfriend. Her ego was shot. (Poor thing.)

2. I went on a fishing trip over her 30th birthday. She went with her friends to Atlantic City. That night she had a threesome with her best friend and a total stranger.

3. A couple years ago Dave broke up with his girlfriend and he and my wife fooled around 4 times in about 4 months. Oral sex only.

4. After that one, she had sex with a guy she "had a crush on for a long time" from work. She had sex four or five times in an eight month period. She stopped when she felt better about our relationship.

During this time I was finishing my MBA, we bought a bigger house, and bought a second house. We're entrenched in debt. Now, nine months after closing on our second home, she wants a divorce because she "never loved me". She says she thought all these nice things would make her happy but she still has an empty feeling.

I called her Dad tonight and just told her I called him so she took off. Took a ride somewhere. The last guy calls every now and then (booty call), but she says she's not interested. Actually, she said she was interested in this most recent guy, but he wouldn't do anything because she had to get her life in order. Maybe he's not that bad after all.

She's VERY PISSED that I called her Dad, but I really don't care.

I know I didn't fulfill all her needs (His Needs, Her Needs) and that didn't prevent the affairs.

But she says that they weren't love, just sex. How do you handle this? She's not involved righ now as far as I can tell.

I'm starting my journal tonight. If she decides to file for a divorce, I'm going to have a history and not count on my memory.

Your thoughts are appreciated.

Hey Walt,

Sounds painfully familliar. 1 year ago I was, to my surprise, given those 'classics'... every last one of them. I was also confronted by an unkown past that turned my stomach, and still does actually.

Today that same woman and I are more in love than ever and if I had to give one reason, I'd credit it to printing off the 'Infidelity' articles on this site and asking her to start reading. She was shocked at how accurate her feelings were described and how textbook the decline in our relationship was (as was I). This got her to think that maybe the advice to fix it would work, and, after a lot of effort and emotion, it has.

Hang in there

Thanks alot! Gives me hope.

Since posting, I've spoken with an attorney. I have a very good case for keeping custody of the kids... that would lead to staying in the house and collecting child support.

I encouraged my wife to speak with an attorney herself. I realized today that she took it as a threat. I merely wanted to get information. I told her that I'm not trying to threaten her into staying, but if she decides she wants a divorce, I'm going to protect myself and the kids.

I'm shocked at how she expects me to just roll over and give her what she wants. I guess I've done it for so long and always protected her that she's grown to expect it under all circumstances.

Later today i asked her if we could at least be nice to each other for now. I made her some dinner before she had to leave for work and wished her a good night (she works nights).

I HOPE after she sees an attorney and a priest, the consequences of divorce aren't as attractive as she sees them. I'm giving her every opportunity to save the marriage. If she doesn't want to by the end of the month, I'm going to file myself. The kids and I deserve better.

Divorce is so permanent... why not do everything you can to save the marriage. She just keeps saying "It's just so over in my mind" and "I don't love you."

I'll read the articles you talked about and suggest them to the wife. Can't hurt I guess...

She's in a dark place right now. I miss her sometimes.

I decided not to give her any more info to read. She says that it makes her feel pressured. (Poor thing.)

I'm going to give it until the end of the month. That will give her a chance to see a priest, attorney, and for us to see a marriage counselor.

It's amazing really. She cheated on me, now wants a divorce and is upset that I won't agree to her terms. I guess when you've been that selfish and just do whatever you want to get whatever you want, you expect it after a while.

REALITY CHECK! I will most likely get custody (I spoke with an attorney), which means I stay in the house (her 'dream house'), which means I get CS, which means she's largely broke. Guess what. Not my problem anymore.

I'm feeling a great sense of relief as I better myself and realize that my children and I will be ok without her...

My first choice is to save the marriage, but I refuse to expose myself and my family to the harm her behavior has caused.