So I haven't posted in a while and I have the urge to do so...

This past 4 days (Thurs-Mon) I had my 3 girls, we moved out of our house into a appt. WW was in NY with OM, staying on his boat, as he lives with STBXW and his kids, so couldn't have WW stay there.

So we are loosing/liquadating our house of 2.5 years so that is the reason for the move. Its a drastic step to get the WW into reality.

She is overdrawn on her checking account by 200$, did by buying her plane ticket to NY. She has a parttime job but only made 150$ in the past 2 weeks, spent most of that on parking and stuff going to NY.

She turned down a 7$ an hour job, pharmacy tech, because she wants more per hour. She is suppose to be studying for her Pharmacy Tech certification, but hasn't cracked a book in weeks.

The girls love the new apartment, my oldest (11) gets her own room and we took her bedroom set from the old house so its just like the old house.

The other two are having fun making friends, playing in the pool. Helping me unpack and move in.

My 8 yr's teacher called me today and she was having trouble in the 3rd grade doing 5+5, she is a smart kid, could it be stress? Could it be the separation and the OM?
WW says kids are doing find and wont be effected ????

Lawyer's are meeting today, right now, for the first time face to face. My lawyer has all my exposure information for the past year, and my child custody log of what I have done what she hasn't done.

My WW wants almost full custody and CS, I want 50/50. WW is getting scared about how she is going to afford life. OM isn't going to support her. She has dreams of moving to NY but I think he wants her to at a distance because he wants to be single, he is not yet divorced.

I am doing a lot better now that Iam out of the house where the affair started, I dont' and cant' be involvedin her nightly conversations with him.

I was in a 180, but as soon as custody is done will be in plan B.

I am pretty sure I will be going to court, she wont listen, she is showing a lot of selfish and self entitlement.

I still hold out hope for her to come around, I am still open to recovery, I still think she could come around, but that is my heart not her's.

So people have told me I will be better off without her, she is a childish in several ways, I have always provided for her and probably treated her like a child in certain ways, but I love her at the same time. Even with the A going on, I only think about what could come later.

Last week she was having problems with her paycheck and needed gas money, so I gave her 10$ but I realize now it was because her account was over drawn and she tried to cash the check at a different bank.

None of that again, if she can't get somewhere's then she needs to figure it out, if it involves the kids, then I will get them and take them where they need to be.

I am hoping that today her lawyer will see a different side of her client, and have a different opinion of me. One that will make her think twice before going to court.

Viking,

Good luck. It sounds like you are a wonderful father and that will be recognized in court.

Whenever there is a he said she said sitch soon one persons credibility will probably get damaged.

You have the proof that you are credible and she does not.

Don't expect her lawyer to openly admit that you are a good person or a good father. That is not his job nor should he even consider that. He may see the information you have as pretty damning to his clients case.

The fact that you have set up a new home for your children says a lot.

Maybe this will be your WW's rockbottom. I posted this on someone elses thread this weekend.

The value of something is not just measured in what you gain but what you may lose.

Hopefully she will see you as a great father, person and husband. If not you have nothing to feel ashamed or embarassed or guilty about. You tried but your M as it is today is toxic and you can't stay in that.

Good luck.

Often best to keep some information in your backpocket. Your attorney likely won't use all your data supporting your case in a simple negotiation. It's great you have it but early exposure of it followed by a break down in the negotiations means...she can start to create her own journal and documentation efforts. Then should you ever actually get to court it's a battle of documentation versus a one-sided barrage of documentatuon from you.

Play your cards carefully. In negotiations you simply state your case, you are not obliged to demonstrate it.

Mr. W

You said:
"I am hoping that today her lawyer will see a different side of her client, and have a different opinion of me. One that will make her think twice before going to court."

Her lawyer is paid by her and will represent her. That automatically means that "she is right and you are wrong". His job is to take you down. Don't forget it.

Mr. G

[color:"red"]The value of something is not just measured in what you gain but what you may lose.
[/color]

[color:"blue"]EGG ZAK LEE [/color]

Pep

So here is the update.

My lawyer presented out priorities in the settlement.

1) 50/50 Custody of children instead of every other weekend
2) Change in CS to appropriate levels
3) Setteling of the house - short sell or deed in lieu of
forclosure

Here lawyer's priority from WW.

1) Date of Separation


========================================

So my lawyer said the conversation was good and productive. My WW concern is DoS.... meaning how soon can she remarry. We wanted to offer that Aug 31 is our DoS because I still lived in the residence..... this would push back divorce another 5 months and her potential opportunity to remarry.

Now, her lawyer is concerned that I am hiding money somewhere's because I offered to take on full marital debt, no I think it my responsibility as the head of the house hold.

So WW lawyer is wasn't aware her client turned down a job last week, wasn't aware that the few times her client went to ny now totals 15 days since July 3, or 1/4 of the past 60 days I have had full custody.

My lawyer doesn't think their is going to be any formal fight over this, only thing that they may want is a friendly lawsuit, one that we all agree what the outcome is but we go in front of a judge so we can get the agreement enforcable by courts - ie she doesn't want me to interfere with the relationship anymore.

So hopefully we get something resolved in the next few weeks and I get more time with my kids.

You know at one point in this I offered her a post nupitual agreement giving her 100% of my assesst if I ever had a ONS .... background - I had 3 ONS with prostitutes years ago, because I felt lacking in my marriage - my mistake I own it I offered it up to her all the information, but now she is using tht as her reason to be with her soulmate.

My daughter's don't want to be in the house with their Wayward Mother, they love her but they know that her focus and attention is on the OM.

I miss all my secret spy stuff that allowed me access to her life, but at the same time being 180 has freed me from the burden of knowing her affair details.... I can truly say that this will end badly for her, and that sucks because I will always care for her

Walt,

I don't want to throw a wrench in your plans but why only 50/50?

I have two kids and not to sound perfect but I am a better parent then my FWW. She is getting better now since she started AA.

One of the reasons I have held out this long, besides loving her, is that I would have fought tooth and nail to get a majority of custody for my kids best interest.

If your daugters don't want to be around their wayward mother you should bring that to your lawyers and the courts attention.

They are not old enough to decide on their own at thier ages but they certainly can have a say in it.

Just wanted to throw that at you.

So its everyones impression that knows my WW, except her current circle of friends which number 3 and have known her less than 2 years, that I will have full custody of them in six months, because WW will give them to me.

Now I live 5 minutes from them now, my oldest has a cell that she can call me.

I have to give WW enough rope to hang herself.

She can do a good job with the kids, but not in long increments, so I will use this to my advantage. When she calls to have me take the kids more time than I am alloted (by her) I will document it. When they rebel against her and want to come to dad's I will gladly take them - and document it.

I don't want to give her a free ride into fantasy land, she is a capable adult - with the maturity of a 16 year old.

I want my wife back, and giving her a dose of reality of handling the kids my best option.

Back in april when she had an EA with another man, it was her folks moving out of our house that really put a strain on her and caused her to rethink that relationship. That is how I got back into the house last time.

This time Truelove/Soulmate came back into the picture and she was already teatering on the end and now she is starting the spiral. I need to keep the pressure on her, and the kids will be that pressure - especially since I am not pressuring her directly.

I love her and would take her back, but I am not stupid and will not allow to be manipulated by her.

Thanks for the input

Good for you.

Sounds like a good plan. I would not press either if the door is still open in your heart for a reconciliation.

That is why I asked the question.

I find my WW actions so unimaginable - her leaving 4 times in 60 days to be with him. She is a conflict avoider and this is extreme avoidance.

She still contends their is no SF going on - I think she is just scared about adultery in our proceedings.

I can bring the OM down if I want - I have evidence that he used his company resources for the affair, like corporate travel to meet WW.

I have decided to let things run their course, I am fighting for the girls and for my financial stability, I have fought for her long enough. Now its her turn to fight, it might be for survival but I will be there if she ever needs me.

So I had to go to the house last night, to take the kids some things for school. I spent a few minutes with the kids gave them a lot of love talked about school that day. When the WW came outside, I excused myself from my girls, gave them all a big kiss and walked past WW without acknoledging her existance.

I think this action will initially irrate her, but I hope eventually she will come to realize how hurt I am.

Either way I am moving along with my recovery plan, I think I am in the angery stage of grief.

I was in my new apt for the first time lastnight by myself and it was hard but I feel that I am establishing new environment for my recovery.

WW bank account is still overdrawn, I am waiting for the I need money call. lawyer said give her something until the paper work is signed, but after that she needs to provide some level of support for herself.

My advice to you would be not to give in to your WW's demands. My WW also asked to be primary parent, max CS ($900/month) and $20,000 in alimony. I simply refused and with the help of my lawyer she backed down to shared legal and physical custody, NO CS and NO alimony.

There are also many different ways to calculate CS as I found out so have your lawyer use the most beneficial method if you end up paying.

If she gets custody she will make your life a living he11 so fight this one to at least shared custody and maybe primary for you if your kids don't like being with their mom.

When you enter plan B you completely STOP filling her EN's. Let her feel the full effect of her actions.

You are doing a great job of documenting everything since you may need this in future negotiations.

good luck

So here is today's update....

I get call from unknown number - its the WW new cell provided by OM - she refuses to give me her number and limits who has it because he is paying for it.

Anyways, I was suppose to pick up the kids at her part time job (5 hours a week) but she wasn't working today. I usually pick up and talk to her... let it go to vmail. later on saw my oldest daughter's number calling picked it up and it was WW. Asked if I could pick up milk and laundry detergent.... I said I couldn't today as I have no cash.

So I get to the house (my old house) at 4:30... pick up daughters, WW is outside I do not make eye contact. I sit in care looking straight forward, she ask if she could give me a list of things they (kids) needed. It was about a 160$ grocery list. I took it and told her I would see what I could do.

So I take the kids over to my new apartment, make the two oldest do their homework, I sit there and help them. My middle one has a break down because she is stressed and getting frustrated. I sit with her for a bit talking and reassuring her that she is doing fine, we got back to homework and she did awesome.

My oldest started to have a melt down over homework, was tired said she was up late the night before. WW always had problems enforcing bedtime, really bad now since she starts talking to OM as soon as they are in bed... now she really leaves them their own.

My oldest said that she was feeling stress over the separation, the pressure was hard on her. WW says their is no pressure or stress on them.

After the kids were done with homework, I took them to the apartment pool for about 40 minutes they loved it, gave them a chance to unwind.

Then they went back to the apartment, I don't have a lot of food in the house yet, so we deciede to go to mcdonalds. We eat inside, which is somewhat new for us, usually drive through, but I have made it appoint to take them out and enjoy the time with them and they like that better than eating in the car.

I got them back home a little after 8. WW immediately said how can you take them to McD's and not get me milk and laudnry detergent and groceries. Then she said well I need gas too, what are you going to do about that.

I started to walk into the house to help oldest with a printer problem... wife said no daugther rebelled and WW consented to let me go fix the printer... as I walked in I said, which is a DJ, Why don't you have OM send you some money, how about your folks (they provided her 5K for lawyer retainer), I said really you should find a job and you can help support your children. With that I walked upstairs fixed the print and came back down.

She was hot, but I immediately changed the topic, by the way is it okay that I pick up the kids thursday for a doctors appointment, sure whatever you want is her response. Then I said our middle daughter' teacher wanted to see her about daughter's problems with math.

Wife seemed to be very stressed.

As I left I she watched me from the garage, When we first seperated in March I tried a lot of things to protect and show her how wrong she was this was with a different OM not the one she is with now, so I have been accused of stalking and I did put a recorder in her room. I told her about the recorder and removed it.

Anyways part of her fantasy is that I evil and mean and a stalker so she probably thinks I am laying around the house watching her. Well I am her in my apartment enjoying my new surroundings.

My oldest daughter told me tonight WW said daughter's worn't going to be with me a lot of time, every other weekend. daughter asked if I was going to fight for more time. She is aware of the lawyer's. I said yes and is that what she wanted, she said yes very much so. She also said that the separation and the WW traveling all the time to NY to see OM is stressing her out.

God why can't WW see the damage they inflict.

WW is very much in self entitlement mode, doesn't want to work, doesn't think she has to work. Wants me to continue to pay for everything.

Our house is on the market and is close to forclosure but hse hasn't looked for anything and I don't know if she expect her mom and dad to bail her out?

She did write that she was mad that I got an apartment and life lined up and I wasn't doing anything for her.

Can someone tell me how WS and entitlement plays out? It seems to be very destructive thought process

Get ready..seatbelt on...gameface on! The monster is growling and pacing...stay away from the monster.

I think plan B is coming...

When with the kids, do all you can to calm them down. Reassure them you are going to do all you can do to be with them as much as you can. Document all the WW does...all everything negative.

She is thinking YOU are gonna pay her to cheat...YOU are gonna foot her bill for ripping her family apart..and YOU WILL NOT DO THAT. Stay strong my soldier.

My xh is the king of entitlement. And it's b/c he is wealthy. he can't crash. He cannot fall on his own b/c money shields it. But I see every once in a while now some glimmers that he sees life he has chosen is not the path. Sad...I'm already gone...and he was forced by ultimatum by a very pregnant and vicious ow to marry her..(threatened no custody of their child)...and he thought he had nothing left as I was already in divorce mode...

Please realize she must see that life isn't gonna be so good. Remember what Orchid says...PLAN A THE WIFE...PLAN B THE WS...

Do that in all dealings. Reward her when she is respectful, shows signs of caring...otherwise...shut the monster down when it rears its ugly head.

It's so hard to truly THINK when you are in the midst of this...but I beg you to do that. Do not let your feelings come to the surface...you gotta be in thinkingman mode right now. That means going by the MB program. If you're still in plan A...then DO A HECKUVA PLAN A...if going to B...then do it!

Take NO prisoners in either plan. Please work it hard. I still sometimes think I should have waited say six more months to file for a D....but he was sooo horrid back then...still is some times though.

I have told my story to dozen's of people, both what I had done years ago and what WW is doing now. You know I have never had a different reaction, what the heck is she thinking, what the heck is she doing, is she nuts?

Well her bank account is still overdrawn 200 and I don't think her folks or OM know.

She is in such fog and he is such a manipulator.

You know he lives in the house with his STBEXW and kids, their divorce is progressing. I can't wait until he is out in his own apartment and wanting to go out and have the bachelor pad.... Right now he doesn't have anything better to do than talk to WW all night, and have her fly up once a month.... She has alway lived in some sort of fantasy land but I always provided for her.... now that is going to go away hard, I feel sorry for the fall she is going to take but that his her choice.

Right now I think the kids are going to apply the greatest pressure, she can't deal with conflict, she loved them when they were young but now they challenge her and she can't take it from a 11 8 and 6 year old.

Document what your DD told you as your WW is trying to impose her will with the kids prior to a legal arrangement. I would be inclined to fight for custody based on what your DD is telling you. It just doesn't sound like a productive environment for your kids right now.

Peach gave you some great advice and I know what you are feeling right about now and want you to know it gets better when you get to plan b. You still have some hard work ahead of you however to sort out custody so document everything and continue to Plan A until you are ready for Plan B.

HTW

So wife is still trying to get me to pay her way... which I agree that I owe her what the law says I do, but she wants a sugar daddy.

I need to call my lawyer and see about exposing her financial situation to her parents and her lawyer... basically say...

the bank keep's calling, WW is overdrawn by 200$ because she didn't have enough money to pay for her plane ticket, by the way that is why she can't cash her 150$ pay check because the bank will deposit to cover the overdraft and give her nothting.

She is telling everyone that I don't give her anything and that she is poor and defenseless against me. I give her money every week for gas or food or something, its not much but I don't deny her

I have no money either because I have establish two households.

The crazier the WS acts and the more fantasyland they live, does that indicate how hard they fall? Does it mean it will be harder for her to realize what is real?

So I talked to MIL and she was like what is she suppose to do about her overdrawn account? You need to provide for her, its your responsibility.... WTF, she overdraws her account to pay for a plane ticket to see OM and I have to pay?

Man does disfunctionality run in this family

"Dear MIL,

I do not consider myself responsible to fund/provide trips for WSname to have sex with other men, thank you for your thoughts."

Dear MIL,

When my WW decided I was not the man she wanted to marry my responsibility ended. You are her mother so I would say the responsibility now goes back to you. I am giving her what I am supposed to. If she cannot manage her money correctly and decides to spend it on a trip to NY to see her lover there is nothing I can do.