Ya know, SS.

I could very well be that you're normal.

It IS normal to fantasize.

It IS normal to admire other women.

It IS normal to wonder about things you don't think are proper.

If you don't think these things are normal, you've got bigger problems.

JMHO

WAT

In attempts to recover from my H affair, we went to marriage counseling (still are). Our counselor explained something important to us that I had never understood before. Our counselor pointed out that IF you have a loving, emotionally connected relationship with your spouse, all the attractive women/men in the world will not be enough to make you want to cheat on them. You might see beautiful women and think how attractive they are.......they might even come on to you and you would think, "She's beautiful and that's flattering that she wants me, but no thanks. I love my wife and nothing would make me hurt her like that."

My H and I thought we had a good marriage, but he was very disconnected with me and our children. Neither of us had ever SEEN a truly emotionally connected marriage (no good parental model), so we didn't know what we were missing. Now, we do! What a painful wake-up call. We are still learning.

I can imagine how painful talking about this would be to your wife. But imagine having an affair and then having to come home and tell her that the OW was pregnant! Imagine her pain then! Even if you want to stay married to her (she may not) if that happened, the OW/OC will always be in your life! Child support, visitation, drama with OW, courts, lawyers, your children knowing about their half sibling from some strange woman, etc. It is a nightmare!! The woman you choose to be a "player" with, could be in your (and your wife's) life permanently and mother to your child.

And it happens. More than you might think. I have lived it, although at times I wished I could die to avoid the pain. It has been 2-1/2 years since d-day and 2 years since the OC was born. I am only now feeling like we can recover.

It is commendable that you are seeking help before anything happens!! You should consider a counselor for yourself to seek the deeper reasons for these feelings.

Good luck!! Be honest with your wife, maybe with the help of a counselor for both of you.

BTW.....are you LDS?

"Don't it always seem to go, that you don't know what you got till it's gone"

Simply know that as good as you have it, for you to act out on your fantasies or desires will show you the "other side", or how utterly bad it can get.

I (we, the MB family) are glad you stopped in here first, for some glimpses into the "dark side" and for some strong advice that you avoid taking the "wrong turn" at this crossroads in your life.

Count your blessings, and do all you can do to ward off these "demons" that enter your thoughts. It will be the biggest victory in your life...

Best wishes,
SD

Tempted,

It was my FWH's midlife crisis that got us into this mess.

He thought a lot about porn.

He thought a lot about other women.

He thought a lot about sex with other women.

The thing he did wrong was that he never talked to me about it. You've done that part right!

It might hurt her to talk about what you are thinking about, but it would hurt much more to do what you are thinking about, and have to clean up the mess after that, believe us on this one. Glad you came here to look for help, to pre-empt the problem.

I think you have some things going on that are fairly common. You seem to be fantasizing about a few things:

-wouldn't it be nice not to have so many kids to raise
-wouldn't it be nice to be able to start over without any history with someone
-wouldn't it be nice to have sex with someone different
-wouldn't it be nice to have sex with someone with a young body, no wrinkles, no jiggly fat, etc.
-wouldn't it be nice to.............you fill in the blank

You get the picture. Yes, all those things would be nice. Now, then, in order to get all those "nice" things, you would have to give up something good in real life, right? So, when you have the fantasy next time, you have to include a little reality in order to quash it. Throw in the following:

-I would risk having to tell my kids that I'm only going to see them every other weekend - and I would have to tell them WHY.
-I would risk having to give up all of the happy history, the Christmases, the Easters, the Birthdays, and the rest, that I have had and will have with my family.
-I would risk never being able to make love with my wife again.
-My new lover would be thinking about MY jiggly fat and MY wrinkles, and my wife never does.
-I would never be able to forgive myself for hurting the most loving and beautiful family a man could ask for.

And you can keep filling in the blanks until your fantasy evaporates. Because believe me, your fantasy isn't worth the smoke it's formed in. But you already knew that, because you are here!

Then, once the feeling has passed, go find an excuse to do something good for your wife. Fill the void with loving gestures for her - each and every time the fantasy tries to take over, quash it with the reality it would give you. Then go to the reality of your beautiful woman.

Schoolbus

Post deleted by Scared_Sane

Seconding SB and chiming in...

It is entirely NORMAL to have these sorts of thoughts SS...what is troubling is that you somehow aren't getting the action/consequence dynamic otherwise known as reality and are hyperfocussed on the fantasy part.

For example...earlier this week I was driving in my car...and my kids were being noisy in the backseat bickering and when I got home I found that the dog had pooped on the carpet and there were dishes to be done a stack of bills to be paid and I had a little fantasy of my own for a minute there...what if I had made different choices?

What if I had fewer children..or none?

What if I had chosen a higher paying or more interesting line of work?

What if I had never married and could spend ALL of my free time to myself doing whatever I wanted?

...but then...reality...

What if my children KNEW I had just been thinking this?

How hurt would they be? [I then imagine their face/expression]

What if something actually HAPPENED to them and brought about that childless state through...loss?

I thought about how EMPTY my life would be and remembered how little my free time meant to me and remembered how I envied people who had relationships that made demands on their time.

The fantasy of "what if" always exists...but it needs to be chased with "at what price" or you may become bitter foolishly and throw away what your ACTUAL choices are telling you that you value more than you think.

Scared,

My husband has to look into my eyes every day.

His fantasy was having sex with another woman. He lived it out. It was great - for awhile. It was real - for awhile.

And then I found out.

His reality now?

He looks in my eyes now and knows that I saw the ugliest part of him.

He sees that reflected back at him when I'm having a bad moment, when I'm remembering what he did.

And he remembers the ugliest part of himself. He mourns those days now. He wishes he could take them back.

At this point, right now, you have the choice NOT to make the mistake he made. You don't have to look in her eyes and see her pain. Your ugliness. Your own shame staring you back.

I think about the fact that my husband had the choice then that you have now. He looked at me every day. He told me he loved me every day. And then chose: sex with another woman over his love for me.

Let me say that again, so you understand what choice you are making:

YOU WILL CHOOSE SEX WITH ANOTHER WOMAN OVER YOUR LOVE FOR YOUR WIFE

That is how your wife will see it. She will not see it any other way, not for a very long time, if ever at all. Even if she chooses to forgive you for your affair.

By the way, my husband thought that it "wouldn't count" if he didn't have any emotional attraction with the other woman - it "wouldn't count" if it was only for sex.

He was wrong. That makes it worse. What that meant to me was that he was willing to trade what he had with me for NOTHING but a piece of a$$. I was of less value than that, after all these years. So don't go the "it's only for sex and there's no emotion involved" route. Bad idea.


SS: Don't misunderstand the choice here. I don't. I can't color it any other shade than what it is. Your fantasy will destroy your marriage, your wife's heart, and will take away any self-respect you thought you had if you choose to follow through on it.

But if you fight this demon and win, the reward you will have in the marriage you can build will be more than the fantasy could possibly have ever brought you - that I can promise you.

Thank you for your story. Its ones like this that really help me see reality.. I long for reality, not fantasy..

You're up at 2 AM.....

I will pray for you.

SB