Looking for some opinions on how to handle exposing to OMW. H has had contact with OM (phone)...and has threatened to expose, however, he struggles with wanting to tell her ,she has a right to know, and knowing that in telling her she will suffer as he is. How do you begin to tell someone you don't even know, the news? (will she even listen?)

How have any of you handled this situation? Of course the OM says "he will tell his wife on his own! yeah right!..
The A has been exposed to my H for over a month now...so before more time passes, we need to put this in it's place and be able to move on....

2crazy, when I did it I simply told him how very sorry I was to have to make this call, but I felt he had a right to know about the affair. I gave him all the facts I knew about the situation.

I then made sure I gave him my full name and phone # in case he had any follow up questions. [he did] I then hooked him up with another man from Marriage Builders and they have spoken on the phone. [the reason I did this is because he will not go on the computer and didn't want to come here] He was very grateful that I told him.

Thanks Mel...

The other point I meant to ask..Would it be better that my H do this..or me? Phone call or e-mail? Should my H actually give OM a "deadline"? (tell her by this day or else)...so many questions race through your mind when you know that you will be destroying someone else....however, this has been eating away at my H for sometime now, and I don't think that he will be able to move past this point until SHE knows!

Maybe if I am the one to "make the call", it will somehow take the pressure off my H......

the BS should contact the other BS. Forget deadlines. Just get it done.

I would ask your H to do it, and DO NOT threaten the OM to force him to do it. He is untrustworthy and should not be trusted to do it. She may nevr get the straight story if it comes from a liar.

Tell your H it is not easy, and he will be devastated afterwards, but it is the right thing to do. I would suggest a phone call because it is more personal and she can ask questions. But there is no reason an email won't be just as effective if you just give her a follow up #.

2crazy - because your H already threatened OM that his affair would be exposed to his wife, you should assume OM has already prepared his wife for the "crazy lunatic" going around claiming all the guys are boinking his wife.

For this reason, I think you should inform OMW rather than your H.

JMHO

WAT

Bumping up here!

2crazy, I think you got some good answers, I would go for it!

2crazy,

I spoke with OM right after DDay. When I asked if he was going to tell his W, he said he couldn't right now... that his inlaws were visiting.

This, I thought, was pretty cowardly to wait until his W's best support were gone (and the inlaws are pastors... although I found out later that the father had A's of his own and expected his W to accept and cover up... they were from a different culture than North American and this is how they dealt with it... so they probably wouldn't have been of much help, but I digress). I believed OM and felt it was best if he told. I knew OMW and cared about how she would be, so wanted what was "best" for her.

Anyway, OM didn't expose after inlaws left. I talked to him again a month later... he said that he couldn't... that his Wife would never forgive him, and he would live with his own conscience.

More time went by... Mel helped me come to my senses... I did expose. HOWEVER, I told my W first... she was upset (still a little in the fog and afraid of the news getting out... OM went to the same church as us) and told her Mom... who warned OM. OM got to his wife first. It ended up ok, but just showing you that trusting others to do it for you will not work.

I agree that your husband should be the one to tell her... or both of you together. But it should be done.

Shaden

Thanks Shaden...

I think we both know it needs to be done...and OM is using excuses as well...my H is a good man, and does think of the OMW and what this will do to her!..(Of course he has no compassion for OM)...

For me, although I know, that is a necessary step..that we must do this to get over this hurdle...I can't help but feel impending dread...all the things we have already discussed over & over..will once again come to the forefront...as if we can never truly get beyond this stage.

My H and I both know that the noble thing to do (if there is such a place for nobility here)..is to tell her. OM has stated to H that he hoped we could "patch" things up..(boy is he in for a rude awakening if he thinks a "patch" will do!) because that is what he wants to do...repair his marriage...

For me, it is just a matter of where to begin...how to begin..to make that phone call..It will need to be short & to the point...he will need to leave a number where she can contact him...Maybe the real pain is in laying our "hearts wide open" for all to see...maybe I just don't want my H to endure anymore...

I am e-mailing this link to H so that he can read these for himself...(he doesn't get on the computer much)...and printing this as well, I think that hearing the "voices of many" will help to make the decision seem more necessary.

Thanks to all!...

2crazy...a couple of thoughts for your H...

I thought it would be hard telling OMW but I focused on 2 things.

1) That she would have the opportunity of knowing the truth and fixing what is wrong in her marriage.

2) If it was covered up in their marriage, that OM would probably repeat the behavior with someone else and hurt OMW even more.

hope this helps.

Shaden

How to:

1. leave NO room for doubt that you are telling the truth.

2. leave NO room for doubt that you have ZERO interest in her H ... ever. That you'd rather stick needles in your eyes than ever see/hear/speak to her H again.

3. leave NO room for doubt that you hold yourself responsible for 50% of the affair, and no more.

The means of communication is less important, the intent and conviction are vital

OK?

*bless you*

Pep