Just wanted to give everybody the Hardlesson update.

WW and I came to terms regarding the D.

First on the Legal Front :

WW and I came to terms on the D. We executed our terms and filed them with the court on August 7th. In it, I am the custodian parent. She gets very liberal visitation, so the time evens out 50/50 as long as she is in the same school district. WW also gets some cash as her part of the marital assets.

I do not yet have a date when this goes before a judge. We are hopeful the judge will approve the terms as is. I’ve said many prayers, and my fingers are crossed.

While nobody wins, for me a huge burden has been lifted. I’ve seen where good men get shortchanged by the courts and are granted measly visitation rights. They get stuck writing child support checks, not knowing where that money is actually spent.

On the Emotional Front:

Boy, have I grieved this relationship. From June through the middle of August, I felt the pain, despair and sadness. I’ve grieved the loss, cursed the loss. Thankfully I was able to lean on friends. I had been one to nurture relationships over the long term (still keep in contact with several college friends from 20 years ago, etc). While I was careful not to dump on everybody, I did pick their brains for any expertise or experience they had. Most were quite helpful, and I am thankful for them. They have all come through. . One night in particular, it was 8:30, I had just put the girls to bed, I was exhausted and broken, but at that very moment I got the nicest text message from a friend. Amazing what a little pat on the back will do at a strategic time!

While going through it, I told myself I could feel improvement every day. In reality, I could not, but I did manage to get through another day. However, the weekend of August 14th was an emotional turning point. I had seething anger all that week. I could not concentrate. The anger peaked that weekend. I tried painting, doing manual labor, walking on the beach and going to the gym. I could not shake the anger. Finally, tired of going to the gym (by the way I’ve lost 20 lbs and haven’t looked so good in a decade), I went to see the movie “World Trade Center.” For me it was the right emotional outlet. Good thing the theater was dark, as I was the guy tearing up in the back.

The next day I felt normal. The day after that, too. These last two weeks I’ve felt as though a huge burden has been lifted form my shoulders. I am not naïve enough to believe the emotional pain is over -- heck, I felt some of that anger today after I spoke with WW. But I will say most – but not all - of my emotional ties have unsnapped. This is in large part due to a modified plan B. I rarely saw her. Communication was primarily done through e-mail. This really helped me get control of my emotions.

At the same time, I believe WW reverse plan B’d me. Partly out of shame and necessity, she would only e-mail me and we had very little verbal communication. When I did see her she offered very little eye contact.

Fantasies:

I don’t have any fantasies about reconciling. She’s moved on emotionally. She is also looking forward to her share of the D settlement. This money will actually enable her to continue her lifestyle she’s chosen and prolong the A.

I will admit that I fantasize about her becoming miserable. Don’t think it will happen because she’s generally a happy person. She actually seems very content with her choice, and, yes, that kind of bugs me. As one friend said, she’s content for now, except when she has to get up in the morning and look into the mirror. Amen to that, but like many I would like some solace knowing she’s in ****** after what I’ve been through. (By the way, these fantasies become more pronounced when I’m tired, cranky and they lead to seething anger – which ain’t healthy).

Respect:

I must say, I hold those BS who have stuck with an A or A plus B, and managed to put their M back together in very high regard. It takes such discipline to overcome the heartache when the end result is a huge question mark.

life's lessons cannot be denied ... delayed, yes, denied, no

Pep

Question that made me go Huh?

Got an e-mail from WW on our anniversary. Stated, “Hey, just wanted to let you know I remembered our anniversary.”

Was she cake eating? Trying to make a connection (the day before she traveled to see OM)? Just being friendly because we’ll have to work together forever for the sake of the children? Don’t know…this one stuck, but I’ll have to let it go. I will let it go. (Anybody have any thoughts regarding this or am I making too much of it?)

Btw, I was very tempted to answer her sarcastically. Instead I did not respond.

Hardlessons Learned:

I will probably post on these another time in more detail. But for now:

Problems or disagreements must be flushed out and not held back. One cannot compartmentalize a deep relationship. I did. She did. We see the result.

My ENs were physical touch followed by companionship and security. She needed affirmation. I gave her security, but not affirmation. She gave me gifts, but the touch and companionship faltered. Somewhere we stopped clicking, she stopped getting filled up and she made the choice for the A.

Biggest Disappointment (1):

The kids: Our 13-year-old informed me via IM (after much hounding from me to get her to open up) that since she realized something was wrong between WW and me, she has been crying herself to sleep every night. It broke my heart. I knew something was there, but that just ripped me in two.

The good thing is she has been letting it out, and we can concentrate on her because while I definitely did not deserve to be a BS. DD does not deserve this pain, either (and we’ve had a “cordial” divorce).

Biggest Disappointment (1-A):

The lying and betrayal, and how quickly WW closed me out. When she confessed the affair, I was thinking it was a cry for help. Only now in retrospect, she confessed the affair as an aid to catapult herself out of the house. Six weeks later she was gone.

Biggest Disappointment (1-B):

Our marriage was in such poor shape that it came down to this and I didn’t recognize it. Scary. I remember thinking just two weeks before the A started that W and I had this wonderful relationship – almost a “buddy-type” thing. According to Hartley in SAF that is dried kindling for an A.

I’ve forgiven myself. But on those nights (when I’m worn out) and the movie starts to replay in my mind, then yes, a little self-loathing can kick in.

Where is my head?

Forlorn. Sad. Recovering. Gotta figure what I want to do when I grow up. Content that I’m going the best I can out of a crappy situation.

It’s been said I should come up with a plan (or boundaries) if WW is interested in reconciling.