Angie,
This information about him signing up for an on-line dating site at one point is very disturbing. Before, I had a picture of someone who had this “lost love” fantasy about an old flame, but now it seems like he has other issues as well.

Not that it makes your situation any more or less horrible. It just shows that he needs to do some serious growing up, and committing to you, and his children! You need to be strong, and make sure that when he does come back, he is 100% ready to make a commitment to you.

You are wondering if you could ever mend things with him because he cannot live without her. Actually, I truly believe that he will eventually get to the point where he sees that she “ain’t all that” and he will not continue to pine after her. But he needs to grow up and realize that marriage IS for better or for worse. That we ALL have good days and bad days, and that no matter what woman he is with, no matter who he choose o be his wife, ALL relationships will be hard work. He may as well commit to doing the hard work with you, because at least you are the wife of his youth, the mother of his babies.

You are not wrong to insist that you will NOT be his friend, you will be either his wife and best friend, or you will not have a relationship with him at all. You are correct about this – his assumption that he can keep you around, as his back-up plan is wrong, and hopefully your plan B is sending him that message. I think your plan B is a very good thing for him right now. He needs to see the reality of his future. If he continues this destructive behavior, you will not be around for him any longer. He does not get to choose your life for you. You get to pick and choose your own friends, and you do not have to be friends with someone who treats you badly.

I have no doubt that his R with this OW will not last, and he will eventually seek you out (best way to predict his future behavior is by looking at his past behavior) and hopefully by then you will be able to say “I still love you, I would like to enter into recover with you, but only if you agree to commit to me and the kids 100% - no more contact with past GF’s, no online dating, 100% transparency”

Thank you so much again for taking the time to give your sage advice and insights. Whenever I read your posts I find myself crying , filled with hope again. I worry that I won't have love for my H if/when he returns. I know that it will take a long time and have resolved myself to knowing that if he does come back, he's not moving back in until my conditions for NC are met and there is a reasonable amount of time where he has shown his commitment to us and me. I keep trying to remind myself that this is an on-going process, no final decisions have been made and don't need to be. I know that it seems we've moved through the first two stages too fast, but it seemed right at athe time.

Angie -- how are things on a day to day basis?

Have you worked things out so that you do not have any interaction with him at all?

I think that is the most important thing you can do -- to limit your contact so that he does not know whats going on with you. So he starts considering that maybe he's pushed you too far away to get you back. For him to understand that the choice he is making is to not have Angie in his life at all.

Any small contact or conversations lets him continue the fantasy....

I guess you could say he still knows I'm alive, but our interaction is basically non-existant. I feel like I don't exist in his world and I guess he doesn't in mine either for all intents and purposes. This bites!

My Ic appt was cancelled due to the shrink's flu yesterday. I really wish it hadn't been. Yesterday and especially last night and today, I feel like I'm jumping out of my skin. I'm so upset and almost distraught about the A and my seemingly dying M, that I don't know what to do with myself. He's taking the kids for the day, and I think I need to do something to help remove him further from my life. I think I'm going to get boxes and start packing more of his things. Two weeks ago I sent him his winter clothes. Now, I just feel like there isn't going to be any sense to keep things as they are.

I want to get the house ready for selling. I know to get out of it as quickly as possible we'll have to take a lot less for it than it's worth. The market around here isn't great right now. But being here is painful and it's getting to be more than I can or want to handle. I want something smaller with no memories of our life together. I've been getting things ready but it's now time to start hiring someone to do the stuff I can't. Sometimes I really don't know what to do but cry.

I see it's been almost three weeks since I posted to this thread. I had a new one go through ina panic about two weeks ago. My WH emailed me a question of clarification on NC with OW. He said he understood the letter, NC and transparency, but wasn't there also the spirit of NC and didn't it mean he had to end his emotional relationship with her. I asked for and received lots of great advice here. I went with the simple one line response I got. "The definition of relationship in the context of my letter refers only to contact."

I've not heard a word about it since. I'm not looking too forward to this week. In two days I'll be seeing the WH for the first time in about a month and a half. Parent/teacher conferences for the kids. Fortunately I teach at the school so after the first one I have to go right away for my last one of the night and the next morning I have to leave for a full day's worth. SO, no time to talk. I don't even intend to look at him if I can avoid it. GO in, listen and discuss with the teacher, and move on. That's my plan. Oh yeah, and look as smokin' as I possibly can!

I've made some tentative decisions since my last posts and have made steps towards them. I figure if nothing changes in the next 4-6 months, making this all about one year since d day, then I'm going to propose, through a lawyer, to sell the house. It's getting too big for me to handle on my own, and mostly I don't want to live there with the memories and want to go closer to my parents. I haven't seen my IC since the middle of september due to her illness and then she had no openings for another three weeks. I don't know how much that's helping either, even though I've only been twice. I think I definitely need an up on meds b/c I'm getting rather depressed alot again.

Well, thanks to all who read here to see what's new in my life. I wish I could say WH's inquiry resulted in something positive and that explains my recent absence, but...all's the same on my homefront.

God bless all!

Well, Good Morning! I'm glad to hear that you are doing well and that you have a plan in mind.

It's just my POV but I think that it takes them some time to process...it's like they are slower, prehaps need to find the courage...I don't know...

It's really good to hear from you...I'll pray for you and the kids. How are they doing anyway? I can imagine that baby girl is getting into everything! LOL

Well, I'm wishing you the best! Take Care and I look forward to hearing from you.

Thanks for your thoughts and input, Rinder!

I'm doing ok. I "like" being at work mostly. At least there I have things to keep my mind off the whole sitch more. But I still feel like I'm thinking about it the vast majority of the time. Whether it's feeling sad that I can't talk to him about something the baby or boys said or did, or other things, or maybe it's just that prevalent thought of what does this all mean about our marriage from the beginning. I can't help but wonder if the OW had wanted a relationship with him at any time in our marriage, would he have run and taken the "opportunity" as he called it, then? It makes me feel like our 15 years together were partly a lie, especially in his mind at some point. He talked to her during our tough times, and probably more that I don't know about, so many times. I know I'm better than her and have given him more than she ever will be able to, but for some reason he still seems to feel she's more important to him than I or we are.

So, I try not to think about it, but it's very hard not to. I think about the upcoming holidays and how I'm going to handle it. Our anniversary is in one month, won't that be fun. It's undoubtedly no different than anyone else here has had to deal with, so I'm trying to deal with it myself too. I find that I don't talk to my friends or family about my feelings anymore or too much about developments, thoughts, or plans. I feel like they are probably done hearing about it and they have their own troubles. So, I try to deal with it on my own. Even coming here sometimes can be too much. I think that's part of the reason I haven't been on much lately.

I appreciate all that I get here, and I wouldn't be as strong without this site and God, but when I'm down too much and trying to fight it overcoming me, reading here can make things worse. So I try to read, spend time with the kids and pray.

The baby is so sweet, cute, is into everything and loved by all that meet her!!!! If it weren't for my kids, I know I would be a ball of jelly somewhere in a mental ward. But for them I live the best I can and God helps me with strenghth and guidance. As do all here, both positive and negative 2X4's.

Good Morning! I've tried reading your post three times and I kept getting pulled away.


(((((((((Angie)))))))))))

I hear your pain and I have to ask what's the payoff here when you think these things? I'm concerned with the negative thought...I did it, I KNOW the damage that I was doing to myself. What ifs, thinking about the past, and thinking about the future will certainly cause you more pain and suffering...

When I found myself doing this I would tell myself to STOP and kept repeating it over and over until I got the message. I would try very hard to focus on what I was doing right then and there.

If we focus on the negative it compound the sitch...perhaps if you made a list of the things that you are grateful for or positive things this may help...when you are feeling down you could pull the list out and perhaps add to it every time...


Oh, I remember that feeling well. Please remember that you are not alone, we are all here to offer you support. Have you thought or have a support group at your local church, any kind of group that you can join to get some kind of support since you feel that you can't talk to your friends and family?

And the other question I have is have you asked them how they feel? Could you be projecting your own feeling on them? I'm very concerned about you!

Oh, That's what I thought about that sweet little girl...my neighbor has one about this age and she's a handful. I love watching her to see what she's going to do next! LOL

I'll be praying for you. I wish you the best angie! Take care and keep your chin up! You're doing a great job! Really you are!

Thanks Rin! I'm trying to do the best I can. I know I'm overdue for an appt. with IC and in need of a meds change. Next Monday is the first she could get me in after her illness. So, I'm hanging on till then the best I can. The weekends are the worst b/c I'm at home with the kids and it reminds me of the times we had there and how he should be there now. Thinking about the past and what could have happened isn't good for me, this I know completely. But I keep hearing his voice when he said that he never thought he would ever have a relationship with her like this. It makes it hard to not face the reality.

I try to look at this as more of looking at the truth in the face, try to deal with it, and try to move on. Thinking about the future does hurt, but I need the time to prepare for anything.

Over the weekend I ran into two people who were in our wedding that we've lost touch with and had to tell them about things when they asked about WH. It's sucha fresh feeling when doing so.

Parent/teacher conferences went ok. He came to both. We had the kids for a distraction for the first one, but the next morning it was just he and I. That was awkward, mostly when walking out. But I made sure I arrived after him and parked in a different lot to minimize the time together.

Our younger DS is having the most trouble with that and he was told point blank how he's so sad and cries sometimes. When asked, DS says first it's about dadddy then about his baby sister. It's definitely affecting him in school, although not grade wise thankfully. Teacher, who happens to be my best friend, said she could really see that it affected WH.

One of the people I saw that I had to tell is inspiring. He and his wife went through 2 1/2 years of ******, even divorcing during the time. About 2 years ago they remarried. It gives hope, but I'm trying more than ever to redirect my energies to the house for selling, to my children and to reading the bible and religious readings such as Joyce Meyers. But that pesky devil creeps in so easily to bring me down to the depths of despair.

Well, Angie, I have to say that you sound like a woman with a plan and I have total faith in you.

You have been going SO AWESOME! Keep your head up, God has a plan...it may not be the one that we think we need...but it's the best one for us!

((((((((Angie)))))))))

Take care. YOU are so fabulous!

It's been quite a while since i've posted here. There's little or no change in my situation with WH. Many things have happened. He took OW to company Christmas party. My best friend's husband works for the same very small company. Everyone knew who she was or saw the reason he isn't living at home. Many of the wives of course were less than happy and everyone supposedly thinks he's a major a55. There's even been talk around the office about morals. My BF called me there and then to let me know. I was understandably devastated and humiliated and ended up having to be sent home from work the next day to distraught to work.

Then as though life couldn't get anymore comical, he had the nerve to email me a week later to ask just what I have been telling people about our "situation." He knew it was 5th and 6th hand and that stories change and he knew I hadn't said what her family had been hearing, but he thought I should know what's being said to be certain I'm presenting the story correctly.

The nerve! Supposedly I called OW a slutty ****** and was saying that she chased WH and that's why he left. Not that the problem and reason he left was b/c of problems with us. I called him and chewed him out royally. I told him that it was so ridiculous that he didn't care what people thought about us or me when he took her to his work party with people we know, but as soon as something that he knew I probably didn't say was heard by her family, he wants me to know and keep the record straight.

I don't know what to think or do anymore. He gave me a rose and a heartfelt note about his feelings, sort of, for our anniversary, and I returned it. I know so much of this is his trying to keep his options open, but he says that he's stuck on a fence with two choices, both with advantages and drawback. He claims he continues to have discussions, I presume with her, about returning home to put a stop to the pain and hurt he's causing me.

When asked if he wanted a divorce, he said no but that he felt we were headed in that direction b/c he couldn't ask me to wait, surprised I have this long, and that he didn't know when or if he would ever be able to do what I need and if we could even recover after we discuss what has gone on between them. He also mentioned that he needs to know where this relationship, bordering on an obsession to me, will go on it's own, or this will be something that will never leave him if he doesn't resolve his feelings.

After the work party thing, I was so set on going to see the lawyer after the first of the year. My sister is an attorney and said she'd go with me. I don't know what to do when I get there. I want to know what my options are, but don't know if I should do a LSA or file for D. As soon as I think I should just go for the D, I feel something telling me I'm giving up too easily despite the great obstacle we have now of his making, mostly. There isn't a single person who tells me to take it slow. Everyone, and I do mean everyone, says I should D and I've waited too long. But here I am willing to fight their disapproval of me for wanting to fight for my M and try to make it work. Am I the wrong one in this?

My shrink says it will take time, but in time my head will overtake my heart. Will it ever? She also suggested that I have him start doing overnights on the weekends and see just how quickly that will hurt his A when he can't travel the hour or so to see her. She finally moved, well, in September, but I just found out a week ago.

I'm so confused. What do I do? How do I know what the right thing to do is? They say I have to do what's right for me, but what is that? How do I figure that out? It's going on 6 months since I found out about A and 5 since he moved out. When has enough time gone by?

Angie,

I want to commend you for your steadfastness.

Just as you've stood for your marriage for this long, you will know when/if it's time to file for D. Don't file unless you're ready.

I think there is truth to what your shrink says. The more you distance yourself from WH, the more objectively you look at your situation and if if the M can be saved.

Knowledge is power. Don't be afraid to talk to an attorney to explore your options and rights.

HL

Thanks Hardlesson! One of the many reasons I come to this sight is for people who will not only tell me like it is, but also support my decisions to fight for my marriage. If I listened to everyone else in my life, I would probably be divorced now too.
Thanks for chiming in!

Today I made the appointment to talk to a divorce attorney. Not sure what I'm going to do, file, LSA, etc. But feel it's long overdue, as everyone keeps telling me, to find out what my options and rights are.

Not sure what kind of questions I should be asking the lawyer at the first consultation meeting. Anyone with experience that can help?

Thanks in advance!

HI, ANGIE! Happy New Year! Well, it sure does sound like you are doing well.

I am glad that you are looking at your opposites! Good job! I would ask things like amount of Child support, alimony, keeping the house, insurance for the kids, visitation arrangements...of course, I'm sure that the lawyer will go over these kinds of things...also ask about the types of D you can get...adultry in my state can be done in 7 days with two witnesses saying that WS has admitted it to them...

What's the deposit or retaining fee...when do you have to do put up the money...should a battle ensue that additional costs will there be...can WS be charged with those fees instead of you...full custody or joint custody state...

Do you plan to prove him unfit...get everything you can...have some goals in mine...the things that you would like to acquire from the D...a list of all bills will be asked for...kind of like a monthly budget...how much do you spend on food, daycare, gas, utilities, etc.

This of course was from my encounter with my lawyer...protecting myself should I have to know this...still have the papers...LOL...should I need them...

Well, wishing you well...I'll check in on you again...take care and hugs the kids for me! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />