Hi all,
Here is my story from before:
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...e=0#Post3052679

WH had EA for 4 months and lied the whole time, told me they are just friends. I found out, he swore he would never talk to her again, that he loved me and would never hurt me again. Well, this was almost 2 months ago that I found out and he said there is NC and promised me that he would never talk to her again. I installed a program on my laptop that monitors everything and 2 days ago I found out he was talking to her on Messenger. He asked if she called him, she at first pretended she didn't know him, then he said, oh you forgot me, then he asked if she travelled, and stuff like that. He quickly logged off because I came home. He doesn't know that I know her screen name or anything like that. My question is what should I do? Should I confront him and tell him I know about him talking to her again? I am so hurt and confused and just PISSED OFF. What should I do? He told me he would change and things will be better, he knows how angry I was when I found out, I wanted to leave him for lying to me so much, why would he talk to her again? It was very basic conversation, obvious they haven't talked for a while. Why would he talk to her again knowing how much it hurt me?

I am sorry you are here and feeling so badly. Others who are more experienced will help you better than I can and I am certain they will respond to you.

How do you know he was talking to the same OW that he had the EA with?
Regards,
Lake

I think you are wise to continue to snoop (i.e., monitoring your laptop). You might want to think about the trade-off of confronting about the instant messaging and risking losing a means to detect whether his communication stops. You don't merely want to make him a smarter betrayer. You could invite him to reopen this discussion with you because you have unresolved feelings; however, if you are just angry at him I don't think he is going to be very open with you. You might want to emphasize your willingness to understand his needs (yes, despite his bad behavior). If he is unwilling to discuss the issue you could confront by telling him firmly that "I know that you have not ceasing contacting this woman" but do not (no matter how hard he pushes you for details) tell him how you know.

Anger will only get you so far. Can you put it aside for a minute and reflect on any reason why your husband might under more pressure or less satisfied than normal in your marriage?
Recent death in the family, trouble at work, not feeling he has your time, significant change in your appearance, financial troubles, feeling marginalized by your attention to the children.
None of this is an excuse for his rotten behavior, but if some of his needs aren't being met, he may keep continuing this behavior. "Plan A" is a generally good idea for giving your spouse the treatment they deserve.

I'm so sorry you are in this, and with a 5 month old child. Wishing you the best,

- WG

I read your earlier posts.

It sounds like your H basically blocked out many feelings he may have had about that 4 month EA. It sounds like he did not go through that process with you of answering all your questions--from all the different angles and perspectives that a BS can ask them.

Since he did not do this and did not view it as an EA, he is still very vulnerable to an EA and the possibility of it going into a PA. It seems like he is still in that fog of thinking: "as long as I am just talking and joking around, it is ok--silly wife--what does she know, she is just being over-emotional and critical of me...I deserve some fun and after all, it is only harmless fun"

You have a right to question him and he has a responsibility to answer your questions. That process helps you as a couple. While you continue your investigation, can you tell him, without sounding angry or emotional that you really feel you need to go over the past situation where he was talking to that OW for 4 months? It just sounds like your recovery stalled out for both of you because he shut down and refused to engage with you about the relationship he had for those 4 months with OW.

You will get advise about how to investigate him from others.
Lake

I know it is the same woman because I saw an email a long time ago with her address, so I have logged onto MSN using my husband's name and so I know her screen name. Should I confront him, or continue to spy on him and see what happens? I feel like asking him why he started talking to her again, even if it was only small talk, when he promised he wouldn't. What should I do?

I don' t know.

Could you change your subject title to "Help with when to spy and when to confront" That may get some of the experts into your corner giving you good advise.
Lake

Hi, I confronted right away and lost the advantage of being able to gather more information. (July 3, 1998 - D-Day.)
We're now in the middle of a D.
He refused to break off his "friendship."

He went underground and spying became more difficult for me.

Do you want to break them up for good?
Want to win him back?

Don't rush to confront him. Get as much info as you can.

If you do finally decide to confront, don't reveal your sources.

Go to the parts of the Forum about how affairs should end, exposure, Plan A, Plan B, and so forth. Have a plan.

Continue to snoop and hopefully your snooping will reveal another way for you to confront without giving away your primary snooping method.

For example, if the computer IM conversation reveals that they spoke on the phone at work, a payphone or met up somewhere you confront a couple of days later with the information that you KNOW he met her at such and such time on such date or somebody told you they were talking to each other on the phone at work. If you delay the confrontation he will not in the least suspect he is being keylogged. This also has the added benefit that he and she will think there are spies everywhere informing on them.

Another bluff. If you know he's been talking to her on the phone at home you can indicate that the caller ID log gave it away or imply you snuck up and listened to their conversation from the other side of door. If it's been several days before you confront he'll likely believe you. WS's are so haphazard...they make mistakes all the time.

Lastly, if they text each other on cell phones I used a bluff that I was able to obtain their entire text chat histories from the cell phone company. I had seen two chats conversations briefly, but with those details I was able to make the bluff believable as to the whole. When my WW thought I knew it all, all the truth came tumbling out.

Breaking down the wall of denial is tough. Be careful how you confront and what intel you confront with. Don't allow your WH to narrow down exactly what you know...let him infer you know much more than you do. Play your cards intelligently and don't give up your real source until well into recovery.

Mr. Wondering

I have to agree with all. I confronted my WW with information that I found on the computer, and she has simply stopped using it. I had put a keylogger on the computer, but it has proven useless because she never uses the computer. She has simply started using computers elsewhere, I'm guessing her work.

Snoop.