She got married a few months ago? So he could stay in the states?

From another thread -



This blew my mind. She doesn't want DD to know?

Wow.

How are you doing? How's the new job going?

AD:

You kidding?

I smell FRAUD!!

Report this to immigration!

-ol' 2long

AD, I agree with 2long. Why are you still protecting your exW? Also, you need to tell the truth to your DD at a level a 5 year old can understand and without saying anything bad about mommy. BTW, AD has your DD been to counseling? Is it possible she tunes you out because she can't handle any more stress in her little life?

Wow! I missed this thread.

What are you guys yammering about? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Weaver, Thanks very much for noticing me and making a thread just for me.

In reverse order...

FF,

How am I "protecting" my XW?

No. I don't believe my DD is a suitable candidate for counseling, due to her limited conversational interaction. Besides, I don't trust any ounselor enough to let them "work on" my daughter. I don't think her langauge/speech issues have anything much to do with our situation. It is more like a genetic thing. I think she is a lot like me. I grew up in a fine family, but was not really was the friend-making sort of child. I was pretty much a loner. "Shy" is the old-fashioned word.

And, FF, what's so stressful about answering the question "DD, would you like me to order a pizza?" She often ignores even that kind of question, until at last I say "OK, I'm going to go cook myself some MEAT." to which she responds "But I want Pizza!"

2Long,

What? My XW is a U.S.Citizen. That's the way I like it. Once a person becomes a citizen, the USCIS (formerly known as the INS) has nothing to do with them. Besides, what would you have me say to the INS? For all its horrible faults, it was a legitamate marriage. And... 2Long, with all your amazing forebearance and patience with your W, I'm surprised that you would suggest something like that.

weaver,

In order for her to help him stay in the states, she would have to sign an "Affidavit of Support" swearing that she will support him for 10 years, or until he gets his citizenship. First of all, I know her well enough to know that she would feel demeaned to have to do that. Secondly, she does not meet the income requirement to sign such an Affidavit. Meanwhile, it is largely a moot point, as I have no illusion that he will ever leave. Very few people leave after they come. On his own, he can probably get a H1B visa, but even if he goes "out of status" (as USCIS calls it), the chances of being "removed" (what they used to call deported) are quite small.


Update:
This week was the 10th anniversary of XW's arrival in USA. I'm still glad she came.

Thanks again to y'all for taking the time to comment on my situation.

-AD

Wow, AD. Last post of yours I read she still wanted to come back to you...

How are you doing otherwise?

Wow, AD. Last post of yours I read she still wanted to come back to you...

Why do I get a bad feeling about this new "marriage"?

How are you doing otherwise?

You are a good man AD.

AD, you are protecting your XW by not telling your DD the truth and allowing your X to not tell her the truth. Her mommy got married, she should know IMHO. So, the talking this is not new? She has always been like this?

I guess I'm kind of like AMM, wondering why she married him...he must really have some kind of hold on her.

She doesn't live with him and doesn't want her DD to know, or to know him.

The whole thing seems so strange.

Usually when someone gets married they are so on cloud nine they are practically shouting it from the rooftops.

I wonder now that the fantasy has become reality how long it will take her to come out of the fog, if she is going to?

I would be the same as AD in really doing some hard thinking about how and when to tell DD, given her age... as in his first post he is thinking about it and I'm sure it is weighing heavily on his mind regarding what is the best way to handle, for his daughter's best interests.

Certainly worth having a thread open for ideas and discussion.

One more nasty little thing the BS has to weigh in on in the ongoing consequences he did not cause. argh!

Weaver, that one little sentence sums up what I clumsily was trying to say to AD. It ain't his job to protect his xW. His DD IS his job to protect.

Well I knew that Faith! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

This has always been the dynamic though, and probably the downfall of the R...coupled with a VLTA which began before their marriage.

She came to this country, a child of abuse after witness to her own family being murdered during war, much younger than AD, to marry him and bear his child...

He would feel protective of her.

Not a good dynamic when you are trying to end an affair and repair a marriage...not when feeling consequences is what it might take for someone to snap out of the fog.

But all moot now (maybe, who knows what the future holds)... except for the fact that she wants to keep her marriage secret. This is strange.

Just thinking out loud. AD, I hope you don't mind.

I'm really touched that you all would take the time to think about me and post about my situation, when I didn't even start my own thread (thanks Weaver!)

Pretty much all of my story has been told her over the past 5 years, but some essential info has not be posted lately and may even have been edited away, since I cleaned out many of my earliest posts (back when one could do that).

My XW came here as a student in August 1996.
I met her 8 months later, on May 1st '97.
We married in December 1998.
Our child was born in November 2000.
OM came to USA in September 2001 (unfortunately he was not allowed to be a martyr on 9/11)

Before we married, I think in about Nov '97, she first "met" OM on the internet - and exchanged frequent emails with him. Later she spent some time on the phone with him - especially in the summer of '98.

They first met in August '99 - when we went to visit her folks. He had obtained her email password and discovered from emails to/from her friends when she would be visiting her parents - and went there, since it was accessible by train within his budget. Ome night, I had gone to bed (at her folks house) and awoke at midnight to a completly quiet and dark house. My wife was not there. I went looking for her with her Dad. We ended up in an altercation at 1am on the (completely dark) beach, and XW's Dad (embarrased by his daughter's behaviour) stepped in and pounded OM's face a bit. Let me tell you, my former father-in-law, in his early 60's, could beat the tar out of most 20-something guys. I started it, and XW's Dad finished it. We had to drag him off the guy. Twas an ugly scene. I later realized that the most powerful thing I could have done that night, which might have ended the entire thing right then and there, would be instead of starting a fight, to have just looked her in the eye for a few long seconds, turned and walked away - going back to the house, got my stuff, headed for the train station, (leaving her tickets behind), and taken the 3am train to Moscow, and flown home. Her parents would have eaten her alive. I think she would have shown up in a week or two, glad to be home with me. Ah, hindsight!

Yada yada yada.

I'm tired.

Why tell this old story?

More later.

-AD

A.M.M,

She said she wanted to come back to me, but when the time came to go sign the papers and D the OM, she didn't do it.

She apparently married him at the courthouse on a Tuesday morning, while DD was in preschool. She says it was because having lost me, she figured she ought to get something out of all that pain and misery. That's only the story I've gotten from her. I don't really know anything about it.

-AD

I am always wary and cautious when a man who has demonstrated a lack of moral boundaries marries a needy somewhat unbalanced mother of a little girl ... keep your eyes on your kid ...

not being alarmist

but cautious and world-weary

Pep

I hope you don't think I meant *she* should be deported.


That it was a fraud 2 keep the 2rkey trots OM in the country under false pretenses.


Yours or theirs? I agree, yours was. Theirs also appears 2 be, perhaps. But it isn't.


Okay, I take it back... ...call Homeland Security!<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />


Now I'm confused. We had 2 do this for my son in law, who's from Wales. He's a good guy, hard worker, and lives with his W (our daughter). People like him deserve 2 stay here, not people who do what your xW's OM are doing.[/quote]

Or boy, or all of the above, for anyone else reading who might profit from the words of warning.

Neak,
who is not always worldly-wise or even cynical, but has lived for 5 years with the effect of what 3 such children, abused by their mother's BF, did to her own.

2long, you're cute.

AD, you are too and deserve better.

XW's idea of marriage as "at least get something out of all that pain and misery" will be fatal.

Hey,

What about me?

OK, I don't need to be cute, but I could be maybe ruggedly handsome or something?

You're cute too, Aphelion. Can't vouch for the "ruggedly handsome."

AMM,

So I'm "nice" huh? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

That's the KOD! LOL

2 2 2 2 2Long,

Sorry. I misunderstood your drift. Yeah, out with the OM! <sigh>
And sorry 'bout your little tumble. Glad it's nothing broken.

Pep 'n Neak,

Yeah, I already tol' my XW that.

Anyway, they don't live together - and DD seems to have not seen the guy in months. I don't interogate her, but I do listen to her.

Thanks again to all of you for caring!

-AD