I just found out that my husband slept with another woman. I never thought that he would cross that line. He is steadily denying it. But soo many facts and situations lead only to him having a affair. A couple of weeks ago is made the comment about picking between two lives and last week before him went out of town he picked a fight and started an argument about nothing - nothing that had to do with me, yet he found a reason to be upset and take it out on me and threaten to leave me. We didn't have any major problems in our marriage, at least that's what I thought. We were even planning to build a house that we just signed the paperwork for. So imagine my shock. One day before this argument he made a comment about staying in LA when he goes and not coming back. So ALL of these things made me turn on my woman's intuition! He did not speak to me the night before he left, now mind you the argument that day had nothing to do with me or our marriage or anything I did, so it was odd that he was mad at me. I was supposed to take him to the airport, so that next morning I get up and dressed to take him and at the last minute he tells me his nephew was taking him. I was soo heated at this point. Then when he left he hugged me that I was a friend not his wive of 6 years and mother of his 3 kids and 1 soon to be. So at this point I started digging. On our phone bill there was a number called almost everyday early morning and late nights for the last two weeks. I found a receipt of flowers sent to a woman with that same number. And to top it off, on my computer screen there was a website on how to file for divorce. I was destroyed!!!

He called when he got there, but was still mad. I didn't know where he was staying or how he was getting around. Our accounts did not reflect a debit for a hotel or a rental car. SO as calm as I possibly could - I asked him that night what hotel he was in and what the number was. He said he would call me with it. I knew then that he was lying, because that is not how he operates. So the next day I aked him how was he paying for everything because our account did not show a hotel or rental debit. He gave this song and dance, and tried to turn it back on me by saying "I'm really still mad at you." I stooped him and asked him did he want to divorce me, he said what are you talking about - so I told him what I found - everything that I found out. He said he was comtemplating it and that she was just a girl helping him with his project. I knew she was working with him - but all that talking was inapproiate. SO to end the conversion, I told him that I would not call him anymore and he did not have to worry about me checking on him. He called me every two hours every day after that, but I still did not beleive him - he still did not tell me where he was staying.

Anyway he decided to come home early - and I planned to see if he would come clean and suggest that we try some of the concepts I have been reading about on this site. That same day, I get a call from a woman, who says she knows him but did not know he was married. This is the woman from the phone calls and flowers. She is also the woman that he apparently stayed with when he ws there. She confirmed everything I already suspected. I felt so betrayed and was ready to kill or hurt. I prayed and I calmed down and asked myself want do I want. I decided I owe it to us to a least try.

So I picked him up from the airport and we went to a hotel, After we got cozy and make love, I told I know you been sleeping with someone else and I think we need to see a counselor to work on our marriage. He denied and denied it. He said he would never leave me, how much he loves me and so on. But if I beleived that he cheated on me, he thinks we should go ahead and separate because he is afraid I might get revenge. I tried to explain that is not about revenge but recovery. It keep eating me that he still denies it after all of the evidence laid out. Scared maybe to admit it. I didn't threaten him or anything but suggest some help.

Well yesterday I found condoms in his computer bag!!!!! I am pregnant, we don't use condoms and rarly ever do. So I printed some articles from the website along with a note (condoms attached) that he really needs to think about telling the truth for himself now. I told him I already know what I need to, so I don't need him to keep lying to me. I asked him to participate in the emotional needs survey with me. He is still not ready to face the truth about his affair, but he did the survey and we learned alot about each other. I am not sure what to do next. It is hard for me to initiate all of this, because I am the one hurt by it. So Pray for me that I stay on the path, because the pain and hurt is soo hard to take and can soo easily turn into anger then revenge or not caring at all!!
Thanks for all the advice.

you are a brave (and loyal) woman. I do pray for you right now.


I'm not an 'expert', but since no-one else has replied yet: I think you are doing what you need to do, and you are doing it very well. Dont grovel or beg. He obviously responds better to you being independant/assertive/strong.

Stay as calm as you can, stay secure. people like to use the terms "be a lighthouse to your wayward spouse". by all accounts, they tend to flip-flop a lot, so you need to be the one who is a safe, non-moving focus point.

you are doing great; one step at a time.

I would suggest that you go get "Surviving an Affair" right now. use some online thing to find out which local store has it in stock, then CALL to verify they can actually FIND it (this is a problem sometimes :-/ ) and then go get it. It has two good examples, of spouses that were "lost", but brought back to the marriage.

Be loving, but be firm about not endorsing anything less than good marital boundaries (just keep doing what you are doing!) and keep showing him that you love him.

It sounds like you're doing great by what YOU are doing. It is now mostly up to him, to choose how he will react.

Do you know the woman's name?

Does she work with your husband?

If she does, you need to send a letter to the HR department and tell them they are having an affair and ask what they intend to do about it.

Exposure is very important to breaking up an affair- call his parents, your parents, your pastor, etc.

I'm sorry you have to be here, but it is the best place under the circumstances.

You might want to copy your post to General Questions 2 as it gets much more traffic.


You might want to get a voice acrtivated recorder to put in his car. Since he uses your computer, you might want to install a keylogger on your computer.

Take care of yourself and keep digging. DO NOT tell him how you got your information.

Please post on General Questions. Sorry this is happening to you, but there is nothing unusual in your situation. Your husband is acting like the typical wandering spouse.

Thank all of you for your response and advice. I will go look for that book today.

To answer your questions, Yes I do her name. She did so consulting for my husband, so no they don't really work together. I spoke with her and she said she did not know he was married and that he lied to her about everything. She also said that I didn't have to worry about her contacting him, but if tried to reach out to her-she would let me know. I don't know if I should believe her or not!

I don't want to embarrass him or myself. I can be so private at times. No one really knows that I am hurting. I am so afraid of all the bias remarks and opinions that will only hurt and not help. So I have not exposed it to anyone!!!
I cried myself to sleep last night and I am having I very hard time today staying focused and not too emotional.

I think he is remorseful. I even saw him cry, but he still has not come clean. I will keep trying and praying.

My heart goes out to you and I truly hope that your husband sees what's right in front of him. My husband denies things until I can physically prove it. We have 5 children and I just found out he cheated for the third time. There's never an explanation... I don't think I'm strong enough to hang in there this time. My children weigh heavy on my heart. My advice to you is to make sure that the issue is not just swept under the rug. I believe that a cheating spouse needs to be held accountable by someone, which I don't think can be you. I say this because I've tried it and it usually turns to resentment. Everyone is different though and with God all things are possible.

If he has not "come clean", he is not remorseful. He may feel sorry for himself.


Well, I sure wouldn't hold my breath waiting for her to call you.... if she truly didn't know he was married, and she has some integrity, she will end the affair....I wouldn't hesitate to call her again and record the phone conversation (with her knowledge) and use this to confront your husband.

I would advise you to expose it. He needs accountability held on him if he is going to change.

Like you said, no one really knows you are hurting. Although you have the message board, it's not the same as having real-life people who can help you through. Yes, there will be biased comments, everyone works from his own experience base, but there will be some who will help you.