My wife is at it again. For my side of it I was addicted to porn and I was unable to open up my heart. 1 year ago a group of us guys got together and created an accountability group, ie porn gone for 1 year. Next for my heart God ripped that fortress out of my life the day I found out she was cheating on me yet again. I am in counseling and getting together with friends and my mentor every week.

This started the exact same way as last time. She became friends with someone single and started to goto dance clubs, just like last time. Then a month after that she meet a group of people. May 16 she sends me an email to say just wanted to say I love you. June 1 tells me we are not having sex and probably should seperate. June 12 go out for anniversary and have an ok time. Following weekend go down to see her parents and have a good time. Wife gets a boob job and I take really good care of her. Then we go visit my family for two weeks and have fun though a little strained near the end. We get back and 2 hours after being home she takes off and I had to pick her up at 3 am. She takes off for the beach that weekend and when they get back I confront the guy and tell him to back off and leave my wife alone. She then tells me about various email sex affairs, making out with guys on the dance floor, and that she is in love with this guy and has already fooled around with him. Just weeks before this she promised that she could not disrespect herself so much as to have another affair and would rather die than do that to herself.

That was 5 weeks ago. She moved out that day and promised to file for divorce. I helped her to move twice and put a $1000 down on her car. We would see each other twice a week and starbucks and the longer we stayed together the more I would be allowed to touch or caress her.

Of course I do not have papers from her yet, though she has moved all her stuff out. She thought it would be ok to bring her boyfriend over to help and make her parents be around him. That was three days ago, in 5 days they leave for a 10 day cruise with a bunch of people. She claims they have not have intercourse even though she has slept at his place for about two weeks now.

She has dictated that we do not talk too each other for 6 weeks. As near as I can tell she has had 15 affairs since we have gotten married.

After all of that I know we can have an awesome marriage and truely make each other happy. I have read some of her journals and she truely was tring to make this marriage work even though I would not let her into my heart 100%. I know most of you will look at this history and tell me to dump her like the slut she is, but I have made my choice I will try to get this marriage to work. She has just as many childhood problems to work through as I do, Mom tried to chook her, brother molested her, and probably rapped when 4 or 5. So I am not the root cause for all of these affairs, her past is.

For the next 6 weeks I am going to continue to work on keeping my heart open to her and others. Going to the gym to go from a 41" waist to 35" waist, not in 6 weeks of course. Reading tons of books. Starting my hobby of fencing and maybe start to learn the guitar. All of this will help me even if my wife and I cannot work out all of our trust issues.

I have already taken my wedding ring off after how she moved her stuff out of the house. I have changed the looks on our apartment. I will be moving the rest of her stuff into a storage shed tonight and giving her a key. And in two weeks when I get paid I will start my seperate checking account so that in 6 weeks I hope to have my money away from her, she has already opened a seperate account.

We will not throw a band-aid on this like we did last time, if we even get back together. I am starting to realize how compatable we really are. I just can't handle how she is giving God the big f u. She has said several times that she knows this could work if she was willing to deal with the pain. Also she knows we would have an incredable testimony to other couples. But until this affair dies she cannot not heal and will not try to. So I sit here and ask myself should I wait for it to die or force her hand and file for divorce?

I didnt even need to read the rest. This ISNT a marriage. If you have no children.....cut your losses and move on.

Sorry to hear about your situation.

"God hates divorce". divorce is allowed in this case, but not mandated.

I'm puzzled why you would allow her to go to dance clubs by herself, knowing her past. sounds like a very messed up situation.

In some ways, your situation sounds similar to my own:
my wife and I still love each other (i think), but we have both hurt each other very much.

I hope that you will both realize that, and allow the hurt to die down, and fade away.

Sounds like she doesnt trust you, after the attitudes you gave her in the past few years. Again, similar to my wife <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />
I think that in both our cases, they will be willing to let go of the other men only when they see us as a safe, trustable option.
The difficulty is in showing them that, when we are separated.


PS: if you truely still love your wife... let her file. dont do it yourself, or goad her into doing so.

As far as you know she has had at least 15 sexual affairs since you have been married. Are you going to wait until she gives you an STD? Honestly I don't mean to be harsh but I think you would have to be a masochist to remain in this marriage. Your wife treats you as a total doormat and continues to totally humiliate and disrespect you in the worst possible way. Let me ask you this. I am not sure if you have a son but lets say you do. Would you wish for him to marry someone like this that would humiliate lie, cheat and destroy his self-esteem as she has done to you. It is your life but it is so sad that you seem so willing to accept such things in your life. Would you wish to be with someone who truly loves, cares and respects you and your marriage? Clearly your wife has no respect for you and herself. It seems you are looking at an apple wishing it would turn into an orange. You deserve so much more but again it is your life. I wish you luck.

Listener,

I believe I may have posted to you a long time ago. I am truly sorry you are here again. I think you need to take these 6 weeks and really look at the data. It is very clear.

Here problems YOU cannot heal, or solve. You have tried, but the results are always the same. You do know the definition of insanity is "Doing the same thing over and over, and expecting a different result."

I will not dispute that you love her. Of that there is no doubt in my mind. You promised to do that and you have. You should be proud. However, a marriage is much much more than a onesided love. It is a coming together and sharing of life, and frankly NEITHER of you are ready to be married.

Your hope for a better marriage is NOT founded on the data, nor on the effort. You cannot make her be a W and she truly has not been for many many years.

It is your call, but I will frankly say that after 15 affairs YOU should be getting the message by now. These affairs have nothing to do with what you have or have not done. They are her decisions, they are her actions, and they are folded up neatly in a large package of lies.

It is time you stopped lying to yourself.

Please think about this.

God Bless,

JL