A few months ago, I came to this board with the sincere hope of saving my marriage from an affair. The advice I got from the Harleys and from many of you has been fantastic. I have really been able to better myself (and have) thanks to Plan A.

Unfortunately some information about my WS has come to light that I didn't realize (I think I was blind to it.) This was not her first A. She has been talking to a lawyer re: divorce. The OM1 has a GF and WS is seeing another OM2 while living with OM1. (That is just the current affair). While all of this may be overcome, and I had a sincere hope that it could, my wife has said on many occasion (though no one told me) that she was not cut out to be a mom.

This has been said pre-affair, during the affair and now since the D is going to be served within a few weeks (from what I have heard.)

This last thing, for me, is unforgivable. I have two beautiful kids and though they deserve two loving parents that love each other as well as them, I cannot and will not come to terms with a woman that could turn her back on her kids in such a way.

I am getting a lawyer as a defense and have been collecting much info about D in NY State.

There are other problems that were never addressed, like intimacy, family. I have lost so many friends over the years and now I am starting to get them back since she has been gone. They stayed away because of her, they couldn't stand how she treated me or talked to me so they didn't want to be around.

I have seen friends more times in the past 3 weeks, then I have seen in the past 3 years. My WS was passive/ aggressive and really manipulated me that way. I never had a life other than the marriage. Anytime I wanted to do something for myself she made me pay.

Alas, it is ending and I have more hope for the future now than ever before. Even the thought that some time in the future I can be with someone else who will treat me right is great. And I won't be alone. My 2 kiddies will be with me.

Thank you for all your advice, it will help in future relationships. And don't despair, there are other marriages that will be saved. I think this one was over a long time ago perhaps at the time of her other affairs.

Thank you all,
Brian

Farewell.

God bless you on your new life journey.

Take care, Brian! I wish you the very best. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

T,

Take some time before jumping into any new relationship.

Get that attorney before WW changes her mind about giving you custody and to see if filing first has it's advantages in your state. You may not want to file first to avoid being in the defensive position. Since you are not marriage building it makes no difference if you file first. Discuss with your attorney.

Godspeed,
Mr. Wondering

Good luvk on your new jurney

U realize that just because you may choose to take the D path that u r really not done with MB, right?

In fact more than ever, you and your family will need the support and the tools you are still learning from here.

Take a stroll over to the d/d board and see how they can offer their support. GQII has helped many through the various stages.

I don't quite see you as done and ready t/g.....yet. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

L.

Brian - your decision to bail seems to be the right call.

Not all marriages should/can be saved, despite the costs to the children. When a mother doesn't want to be a mother, that's a sure clue, IMHO.

At the risk of causing a stir here, and acknowledging I'm no child shrink, I suggest you isolate her from your children to the greatest extent legally possible in the divorce proceeding since they're young. Hopefully, they won't remember her.

Sounds like you should have no trouble getting full custody and should act quickly on this while she's deep in her current stupor. Get everything else you can get as well. Give her no considerations recognizing that your best future profile may be no contact with her whatsoever. In other words, don't worry about love busters.

Ultimately, she'll likely want to be a Mom afterall and she'll want to come calling. If you don't isolate her you'd be in for turmoil and confusion for your children. For a long time, nastiness will be just a phone call away.

Then again, I could be wrong. She may willingly disappear, never to be seen again no matter what you do.

WAT

Thanks WAT. I think you are dead on.

Just seconding Orchid...stay where you have already have acceptance, support, honesty and openness...'cuz this path is as rough as any other...and you can continue learning, sharing and growing...and others can learn from you.

LA

Hmmmm. What kind of a mother was she?

Egg donor.

T,

U sound very hurt. I am sorry for your pain. ;(

How do you think she feels about her job as a mother? Just asking to see if you know her perspective or has that been skewed also. Often a WS is skewed in much of their pereciption skills.

But it is vital you keep a clear mind and calm heart. When she was in your real W's mode, how was she as a mother? I think you need to be focused on that and not so much on your hurt. This is hard but if you keep that in the forefront then when she babbles you won't hurt and react in anger but learn to give her back her guilt and let her know she can fool some of the people some of the time but not all of the people all of the time and you are NOT one of those being fooled by a WS.

JMHO,
L.

When she was "real" mother, she was selfish, often putting herself before them. Serving herself dinner before making sure they were fed, buying cheap food for them, but expensive for herself. It appears she wanted to have children because her friends were having them.

Pre A: She said she doesn't want this anymore. She has also said that she wasn't cut out to be a mother. I get the fog. The fog is no excuse to not be a mother. We don't live in the fog.

The egg donor remark is funny. I laughed so hard when I wrote it. I may have some bitterness towards her, but my hurt is gone. There is sadness only at what she did to get out of the marriage, instead of just going for a divorce to begin with.

I don't know how people like that view themselves as parents. There is no way to know. I see her as being very fake when she is around them, doing stuff that she thinks she is supposed to do rather than actually losing herself in the moments.

Everything she does with them is half hearted. She may try to do something with them that I do, run around etc. But she doesn't put her heart into it and stops soon after they begin to play.

She doesn't discipline at all but gives in to screaming and crying even at times over riding my authority. She often ends up screaming at them instead of calmly telling them what they need to know.

Some women just aren't cut out to be mothers. It is sad to me. I think you definitely need to get full custody of the children.

The affair will end for sure, but then you still have the problem of a mom who doesn't want to be a mom.