Well, I decided to start a new post based on my decision to start Plan B. I decided after much thought that since my WW was not coming home anytime soon and I was running out of things to say to her via IM that this was my only recourse. I sent my plan B letter to her on August 26th and have experienced a great sense of relief. I wasn't sure if I did the right thing, but now after having done it I am glad and feel much better about myself and can go on bettering myself.

WW responded to my Plan B letter on the 28th of August and sent an email to both myself and my contact person. I felt that she disresepcted my boundaries in doing this and will obviously not respond to her as she is still deep in the fog talk. However, her response, while angry, was not as venomous as I had expected. My contact person had some questions as to his role in all of this. He was wondering if he should respond at all to the letter she sent or if, since her letter didn't really address anything constructive, if he should also be silent. I told him he should just let her be and don't try and help her as it would only be enabling her. Does this seem reasonable? What is the contact person's role in Plan B?

Here is my original thread describing my story.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...e=2#Post3065218

Hmm.

given that your marriage was unhappy imemdiately before she left, i'm guessing that the various Dr. Harley's would say that a longer plan A would be in order... unless you were too tired of it to continue doing it.

/bump

<bump>

So sorry for all you've gone through,AKMan8.

I'm new here, so take my opinion for what you think it's worth...

I would let your contact person send her an email stating that he received her e-mail and had forwarded it on to you. But, nothing more than that.

Someone else may have better advice though.

bump

AKman,

You started it, stay in it now. There will be time enough to talk IF she ends her affair with OM. If she does not, well you have made your decision. I am not sure a longer Plan A would not have helped but since she has moved out and gone for considerable time now, I think plan B might help you.

Why not see what transpires.

God Bless,

JL

I keep finding myself longing for my W. Not my WW mind you. I had a dream last night about us and woke up with a longing for her. It has been two weeks since I started plan B and since then I have recieved two intial e-mails and nothing in the past 10 or so days. Things seem easier at times and harder at others. I am trying to live in the present and not dwell on things from the past. It is not even just the bad things that had happened that I conjure up in my mind, I also conjure up the good things, what we had. I also tend to fantasize about what things will be like when we get through this. I am untrusting of these feelings though because typically after having the highs of what could happen I typically have a wave of the A come crashing down over me. Not only the A, but the abandonment, lies, etc. I suppose that's all part of the A, but each digs at me in a different way. I recently moved in with a friend of mine and don't have an internet connection and find myself bored at times when I'm not at work or school. I end up staring at pictures of my W, and my WW. I have pictures from both times. Only I didn't know she was WW at the time. I look into her eyes in the picture and wonder what she's thinking about in that moment. I feel like I can see the secret behind her eyes now and it scares me.

I have friends possibly coming to visit from another state and I as much as I love them. My friend coming to visit is like a brother to me. I feel so false in group settings. I hate putting on the mask of everything being alright. I don't know what to tell them. There are people I don't want to know the full extent of my seperation from my WW but at the same time, those who don't know the full extent are those I would rather not see, knowing that I am keeping things from them.

I keep hoping my W will e-mail or call saying that she would like to reconcile, but realistically I feel like things are quite a bit more hopeless than that.

Well, that's all I've got for the day, thanks for listening MB.

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Haven't updated for a while so I thought I'd write a bit. It has been a little over a month since I sent my Plan B letter. Things have been quite a bit better for me. My WW has e-mailed my contact a couple of times. In her last couple of e-mails she wrote about how she was planning on filing for divorce but didn't know when she would be able to. She talked about how she feels like she has grown into her skin. Amongst other things. The tone of the letter made it seem as if she was doing me a favor by leaving me in this way. I definitely chuckled at that. I know it's all fog talk but it still hurts a little knowing that she is in crazy world. It digs at me. I want to write an angry e-mail just to say how horrible she is acting, but she won't see it. My contact person has also asked if he could write her an e-mail, but I told him that it would be a bad idea and that no matter how he phrased it, it would sound like it was coming from me. I advised him against it. I just recently dropped her off of the only credit card we have together, she doesn't know this yet. Should I have my contact person let her know this? I did state in my Plan B letter that I would not be able to support her financially.

Her most recent e-mail was vague and she asked my contact person if she was still on my benefits and that she needed to go to the doctor. She then wrote back, "disregard that last e-mail". That leads me to believe that she figured it out on her own that she is still on my benefits or she was going to pay for it herself. I don't think I can get her off of my benefits unless we are actually divorced so that is, unfortunately, something she will be getting from me financially.

Anyway, if you have any tips or a good word to put in, I'd love to hear from all of you.
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AKman,

Please read up on Plan B. Plan B does not permit contact either directly or indirectly with your WS. The contact person is used to filter any communication to remove anything other than financial or child care absolute need- to-knows. The contct person's role is to not pass on messages or ANY other info about the WS to the BS.

In short, every other person in the world may know about what your WS is thinking, doing or saying EXCEPT you!

AK,

Cymanca is right. The role of the intermediary is to take her letter....filter out the important information and pass that along to you.

As a hypothetical example, if your wife had written:

Dear H,

If you think not talking to me is going to help anything, you're sadly mistaken. All this will do is make me file even sooner and if you want a divorce....you're doing a good job of getting one! I'm not going to stop seeing XXX and you just need to accept that our marriage is OVER. I used to respect you, but now I realize what a jerk you are.

I need to pay for XX's schooling....so would you write me a check by Friday. Your daughter misses you and wants to see you. When are you going to be a decent father and take her somewhere?

Your intermediary reads it. Filters out the pertinent information and sends it to you (copying your wife to let her know what information has been passed along and when....it's important that she sees that her tirades or emotional manipulation will not be forwarded). So you would get something like this:

Your wife has expressed anger and resentment about using an intermediary. She needs help with school tuition. Your daughter misses you and would like to see you.

The intermediary protects you and her from being able to continue conflict so that no lovebusting can destroy what's left of the love in the marriage. They are never to write her directly or act as coach or counselor. Your responses to the important information....should be short and only answer her questions directly, but if they aren't....the intermediary should filter out any djs or lovebusters in your replies too.....and copy you when she sends the response.

Hi there, I'm back for a bit more advice, and I sincerely appreciate the advice you gave me Cymanca and star*fish. It really helped clear things up.
My intermediary has told me that my wife would like either my SSN or a copy of our last years tax return so she can start going to school. She also wants a backpack that she left here and is in a storage unit. Should I send her these things? I know I'm not supposed to be meeting any of her needs, is this an acceptable thing to send her? I'm still a bit confused.

On the bright side, I have been feeling much better about myself and my life. I have been making plans to do things and actually doing them I am becoming more andmore confident that no matter what happens I will be fine.

I am so very glad I found MB and this community to really help me make a plan and stick to it.
I have not seen my WW for 3 months and have been Plan Bing for a month and a half. I feel like I keep getting stronger in Plan B.

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Do not give her help even to go to school. No SS#, no $$, no aide.

Funny thing about the fog, $$ becomes a bigger need and notice how selfish she is about it. She wonders if she can do the D? Ha! Let her do it. You do what you need t/d for you and do NOT let the WS push you into doing anything.

She needs the backpack? It's in storage? Oh well.....where's that OM in shining armor....can't he buy her one? Don't give it to her. Tell her while it may be in storage, you are too busy to go get it. She wants to go to the storage, tell her she does not have access to it.

Btw, drop her off your insurance. Some WS' have been known to even sneak the OP onto their BS' insurance policy. In my case, the Ow herself tried to get me to pay for her supposed pre-natal care. Dumb OW. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Do not meet the needs of a WS or OP. Not matter how much they grovel, beg or plead. Watch them turn into an angry monster when you say no.

L.

Wow, I was kind of leaning toward that as well Orchid. The backpack I have in the storage unit apparently has some of her important school papers. Apparently from my intermediary she wants to go to school in the state she is now living and needs these documents in order to continue going. This is the reason why she wants the backpack. So you think I should not mail it to her nor send her a copy of our last year's tax return?
I am okay with it, but I want to make sure that it's crystal clear that this is the path of Plan B. If I deny her both of these things should I have my intermediary let her know that I have no intention of sending her anything? Or should my intermediary just stay silent?

That's a judgement call. The docs are for her school and are her's. Send the papers via mail. Not the backpack. Expect her to start demanding stuff. So don't give all she asks for. Give what you feel is fair and what you need.

Now why would she need your SS#? That's a form of identity and when dealing with a WS, that c/b considered a form of identity theft. WHAT??? Yep.... some OPs want to pretend t/b the BS.

In my case, the OW registered as Mrs. _________. That was MY NAME!!! Have you ever seen an enraged Orchid? LOL!!! Talk about identity theft! Another case, the OW went into the Bs' home, bedroom and took the BS' jewelry. YIKES!!!!

Another WS tried to pass the OW off as his child's mother and have the OW and baby take a 'father's day picture'. Unfortunately the BS found out. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> Hm..... I got to meet that WS and saw a picture of the OW. I even got to serve RO papers on the WS. Dumb WS!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

L.

Be careful.

L.

I understand that what may be in the backpack is hers but if I send the things should I perhaps send it COD? I mean, she apparently mentioned it in the e-mail she sent my intermediary. WW does not want any money from me at the moment. I do not believe I can get her off of my health insurance unless we are D'ed. Bummer.

Anyway, I kind of feel like anything I have to do for her she should have to pay for it like sending her her school documents and a tax form. I know it may seem trite, but if I am not meeting any of her needs then why pay for even the littlest of things. Does this seem reasonable? My time is worth something to me.