I need some advice. I have been married for 16 years. 2 kids. We have been together for 20 yrs. After our first 3 yrs. of marriage I divorced him, mostly due to his temper, neglect, and some phyical abuse. After our divorce, we reunited and he committed to working on these areas. well I am back where I started only now we have two kids. which is worse on the kids?? divorcing or staying and dealing with anger and verbal abuse? If I say anything about a conflict it is almost instant rage from him. He has said that MC is a waste of his time and will isolated me for days,weeks without talking. What do I do?? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

sadly confused
W 38
H 38
S 10
D 8
Married 16

Unless someone's life is in danger it is almost invariably better to stay. What does "some physical abuse" mean? Some people would include a slight shove 20 years ago. It makes a huge difference whether you are talking about something like that, or about black eyes and broken bones.

There is almost nothing worse than divorce for children. They will feel abandoned. Divorce is not something they get over. Research has shown that divorce affects children many years later, and children who you think are coping begin having significant problems, especially in relationships, in their teens and adulthood.

If you initiate the divorce, are you prepared to lose your children? Alternatively, are your children prepared to have their father remarry and then refuse to have much if anything to do with them? Either one of these scenarios is very likely.

Why now, after 16 years? What has changed? Is there someone else in the picture?

Most MC is, as he says, a waste of time, or worse, destructive to marriages. Most counselors have been trained in the self-actualization school of thought, and are not supportive of marriage. Many people here would recommend the Harleys.

thank you for your thoughts. To answer you question of "some physical abuse". He has thrown me down where I hit my hand on a weight and factured my finger ( 6ys ago) He told me to leave the house and I said no. He picked me up, shoved and forced me out of the house and locked me out. I was gone for 3 days. This was all witnessed by our son. I told him then that if he ever touched me again, I would divorce. This happened 1.5 yrs. ago. They are isolated instances over the past 20 years...pushing, shoving, throwing objects at me...but nothing on a consistant basis.
The two above were the worst cases.

There is no one else in the picture for me but I don't know about him. I really don't believe there is for him. We are both christians, were virgins when we got married. I think the anger has come from me putting my foot down and saying "no more" disrespect. His anger toward me has been progessively getting worse over the last few yrs.

I appreciate your thoughts on the MC. Ours is definatley a pro-marriage therapist. He is a christian and believes in us meeting togehter with him as well as seperate. My husband chooses not to go.

Health and safety comes first. If you or your kids are in danger by staying, get out now. Your children's wellbeing comes next. Kids really don't care of your problems. They just want parents that love them - sometimes in twisted ways, but they still thrive on that affirmation. You don't have to be happy in your marriage to provide a loving and supportive environment for a family. That's a very difficult situation for you, and probably not clear cut. If the abuse is a real danger, don't mess around. That is intollerable.

Thanks for raising this question.

There is no physical abuse in my sitch but I find myself in a constant struggle in my head. I have many years in child development and understand the reality of D on children.

I have yet to find a MC or IC that supports my Christain beliefs of forgiveness and marriage.
It makes it even harder to make yourself vulnerable to a counselor and allow them to 'get in your head' when you are weak and combat my faith.

ughh