Hi all,
Here is my story from before:
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...e=0#Post3052679

WH had EA for 4 months and lied the whole time, told me they are just friends. I found out, he swore he would never talk to her again, that he loved me and would never hurt me again. Well, this was almost 2 months ago that I found out and he said there is NC and promised me that he would never talk to her again. I installed a program on my laptop that monitors everything and 2 days ago I found out he was talking to her on Messenger. He asked if she called him, she at first pretended she didn't know him, then he said, oh you forgot me, then he asked if she travelled, and stuff like that. He quickly logged off because I came home. He doesn't know that I know her screen name or anything like that. My question is what should I do? Should I confront him and tell him I know about him talking to her again? I am so hurt and confused and just PISSED OFF. What should I do? He told me he would change and things will be better, he knows how angry I was when I found out, I wanted to leave him for lying to me so much, why would he talk to her again? It was very basic conversation, obvious they haven't talked for a while. Why would he talk to her again knowing how much it hurt me?

stay strong and get your game face on.

First draw out a plan A, these are only symptoms of a deeper problems in him and your marriage. Look beyond the chatting to why he chat.

Keep spying, get access to his phone records
Work on yourself, it seems to be early on and you can change yourself and it could influence him to change, but you can't change him nor expect him to change by him saying he would change.

Fill out the EN needs questionaire - both of you - if you have to do it for him.

Decide now, fight for the marriage or leave. There is no middle ground.

What is the details of your marriage? kids? how long married?

That link didn't work for me.

Calmly confront him.

Calmly and sincerely explain that you know he's broken his earlier claim for no more contact. DO NOT tell him how you know this. You don't have to.

When he denies and/or wants to know how you know or why you think so: "How I know is not important. I know it and you know it. We cannot strengthen our marriage until all contact is severed. Are you with me or against me?"

No matter how he reacts, a good universal answer from you is, "I understand what you're saying."

JMHO

WAT

Both.

Confront him now -- before this escalates any further.
Exactly how WAT described, do NOT reveal your methods of discovery.

And continue to spy. He has not proven to be trustworthy yet. You will need to continue to monitor him until your gut tells you otherwise.

ditto WAT and Lexxy...

here is the story
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...rue#Post3052679

I am 32, he is 33, 4 kids, married 9 years, together 12. So how should I confront him? Should I ask him if he is hiding anything from me or just come out and say I know you talked to her again?

I told him 2 months ago that I wouldn't bring it up again, as long as he promises not to talk to her again and never lie to me and we both agreed on not do anything that might hurt the other. Should I wait to say anything and see if he talks to her, or what?

oh no, don't ask him anything. Tell him you know that he is talking to her again and spoke to her on XX-XX-2006 and want an explanation. If he asks how you know, assure him that you and he both know its true. Do not give away your source.

Ideally, he needs to stay off the computer altogether from now on. At the very least, get him agree to set himself up as guest with limited access and delete all messenger services, but I don't know if I would even go for that.

I recommend you say it exactly as I quoted above.

Do not get into an arguement.

Expect him to deny it.

Very possibly, you may have to do this several times as contact continues.

WAT

See if he will just sell his computer...

Ok, so I should confront him, tell him I know he talked to her again but not how I know, then what? If he denies it, what then? I have been doing plan A for 2 months, it is not a PA, he only talked to her, but it kills me. What more can I do? I thought he told the truth when he said he wouldn't talk to her again...am I so stupid?

OK, I've read your other link.

Calm down.

DO NOT cry and scream. I know, easier said than done - but doing this hurts your cause.

Do not pester him about contact. Confront him as described above then drop back to snooping mode.

All the while, get hot on Plan A.

This does not sound as bad as most other affairs. Be thankful. You are well inside the ball park for getting out of this - if you stop attacking him.

Read up on Plan A and get busy.

WAT

I don't want him to know that I installed anything on the laptop, but he did ask her if she called him, so maybe they are talking on his cell phone, he became really good at deleting all the calls and we live in Kuwait, no way to get the bill for local calls. So I shouldn't wait and see if he talks to her again?

Did you not read what I wrote above?

Calm down.

WAT

dnvgrl,
Speaking to her on the computer is the same as verbally speaking to her. Don't feel guilty, don't allow him to split hairs in your own head about what "speaking" to her means. Of course you are not going to mention that you know he spoke to her on the computer. You are just going to use the term "spoke to her"
Lake

Ok, just I calmly say I know you talked to her again, then what? Should I ask him why he did, or why he lied to me, or just say I know you did it and don't do it again or I'll break your neck? I need some sort of script...

Why don't you just tell him you know he is talking to her on the phone?



You don't need him to admit what you both know is true. You are informing him that you do know and asking him for an explanation. If he doesn't want to explain, then you can't force him to do anything. You will have your answer.

OK, grl - I gave you the script already.

Don't ask him any why questions other than are you with me or against me?

Calm down.

WAT

Ok..ok..this will be hard. How can I not call him a big fat liar and a jerk for doing something he knows hurts me?? You guys are stonger than me...I am going crazy with the whys. Ok, so I will tell him I know you talked to her, and if he is with me or against me. He will say, I am with you, it was nothing, I will not do it again, I'm sorry, or...you are a crazy wife who is over reacting, I didn't talk to her and think whatever you want to.

dnvgrl, you can choose to be strong and control your emotions. It is your choice. Ask him also to send her a no contact letter as an act of good will.

here is a sample from SAA:

Dr. Harley?s (From SAA)

(OP), I want you to know that out of respect and love for my wife and children, I have come to realize that I must never see or talk with you again. My relationship with you was a cruel indulgence that (BS) did not deserve. While I cannot completely repay (BS) for the pain I have caused her, I will do my best to become the husband she?s been missing. I care a great deal for my family and I would not want to do anything to risk their happiness. I will not make any further contact with you and I do not want you to make any contact with me. Please respect my desire to end our relationship.
Sincerely,
(WS)