Hi Annie,<P>I'm joining in a little late, but here are my $0.02.<P>Start with the affair must be over. Discuss the "no contact" rule, and see if he can agree to something comfortable. Also present the situation that if he does have contact, that he should let you know immediately, and explain to him why that's a good thing (if he doesn't get it).<P>Use the POJA for anything else you think is important, but you should really ask for his input. Do it together---as a team.<P>It's pretty encouraging Annie!!

Wow! Thanks for all the encouragement! I have to admit, I'm pretty skeptical, though. He's done a lot of flip-flopping, a lot of mixed messages. It may be that the reality of filing for divorce just has him momentarily confused. When the confusion clears, he may still go through with it. Also, I haven't really heard what he has to say yet, so I'm not getting my hopes up too much.<P>A few weeks ago I asked him to come home and work on things for 6 months before getting divorced. Sort of a last-ditch effort. No conditions. He rejected the proposal. So why is he now asking for conditions? Maybe its some attempt to restore some balance of power in the relationship. He doesn't like the idea of just coming home because I want him to. It has to be his idea. I'm just speculating.<P>I know his mother was planning on talking to him. Maybe she convinced him that he ought to at least try to save the relationship before divorcing. If so, this isn't very encouraging. I don't want him to come home for 6 months if his goal is to show it can't be fixed.<P>Also, I've been getting legal advice lately. Financially, the sooner I divorce him the better. And he doesn't have a chance of getting custody now, not after leaving for 8 months and before the baby was even born. If I let him come home, he comes home for 6 months or so, then leaves again, I'm in a much worse place legally. Am I willing to take that chance?

Hi Annie,<BR> I'm happy for your turn of events but BE CAREFUL....read the info on Plan A and Plan B on the homepage of MB...Harley says there have to be conditions for reconciliation and if not it's better to stay in Plan B, since the affair can resume....just don't want you to get hurt again........Hopeful for you.....Lu

You make excellent and valid points.<P>Do you think his lawyer could have advised it to put him in a better position?<P>Can you imagine him wanting custody?<P>Would any of this make any difference or hurt your chances of moving back near home at some point?<P>Maybe you should take the position you are no longer sure you want him to come home and interview him.<P>Put your listening ears on and don't offer any discussion.<P>Ask questions like...<P>What is your goal in coming home?<P>What could I expect from you if you returned in regards to contact with OW, accountability for whereabouts, etc...<P>What has influenced your decision?<P>Why has changed since I first urged you to come home for six months and you rejected it?<P>Is this a trial or an actual commitment to the marriage.<P>If it is a trial, what time span are you considering.<P>What do you expect of me if you come home?<P>Then tell him you really need to think about it and will get back to him. Let him know that you do love him and want the marriage, but you need to evaluate the impact on yourself and the kids and IF he does come home, you want to be clear what everybodies expectations are. Put them in writing if you have to, so both of you can refer to them if you are feeling off track.<P>If he is proving it can't be fixed, gaining a better legal position or appeasement of mother or whatever...then you may have more to lose with him coming home and more to gain with allowing the divorce to continue, but making the changes and going on with your life that seems to have his curiousity piqued. I mean if he is at home, and his heart is not really there or intending to be there, he will not get a true taste of being divorced would really mean, which you identified he is having a problem with. The reality of divorce and his reality are not the same. Just thoughts!<BR><P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

great post from FHL... some really good questions & lotsa food for thought. Annie, what's up? Is there an update I missed? Would love to hear what is happening with you.<P>Just bringing this back up!

Sorry not to update sooner. Work has been crazy. <P>Thank you so much for all your insights and suggestions. FHL -- I will be printing yours out to guide me! <P>Nothing to report. He came to dinner tonight, which was planned last week. I cooked a nice meal, as I would for a guest, but without going too far overboard (I hope). <P>But after dinner and after the kids were in bed he was feeling sick again (he's had some flu/stomach bug), so he left. This is so weird! <P>I didn't want to push him, but I did ask him if I should wait on signing the waiver of service until we talk. He said, "we'll talk", and that was it. What kind of answer is that? Do I sign it or do I wait? I guess I'll just wait for now. <P>I did ask him if we could talk in the next couple of days, and he agreed. He said, "I know you want to talk". I answered that I didn't really have anything to say, but that I wanted to hear what he has to say since he's left me confused. He teased me about not having anything to say (OK, so its unusual). <P>Of course with the lack of other information, I'm trying to read into everything. His manner tonight was neither very friendly nor very cold. But of course he's not feeling well. <P>We did have a good discussion about an issue that came up with our daughter. I'm learning to listen to what he has to say before I overwhelm him with my thoughts (I generally have a lot!). It's really been an eye-opener because he has very good insights about things, but I think in the past I tried to get his input on MY thoughts instead of listening to HIS thoughts. <P>The nanny is taking tomorrow off (no warning), and its a busy time for me at work, so I asked him if he could take 1/2 day. He's really busy, too, so he can't. Part of me wanted to challenge him -- why is his job more important than my job? But since I'm planning on getting sole custody I realized that it really is my problem to solve. As the non-custodial parent he isn't responsible for my child-care problems. Of course, he would say he wants to share responsibility, but when push comes to shove, its my problem. The lament of working mothers everywhere! <P>I'm kind of rambling here. Wish I had something more interesting to say!

Annie,<BR>I have had 3 maybe four counselors tell me not to have w move home yet. The one, a minister no less, said she moved out for selfish reasons and now it sounds like she is moving back for selfish reasons(the affair ended, she will have trouble affording living on her own, she misses the kids, but nothing about me.)<BR>She has decided to stay in the apartment till the end of the year and she is seeking professional help for her self esteem problem and I hope she will continue her other counseling. I too am going to counseling and we have joint counseling set for next week.<P>This probably doesn't help you much though. Just kinda rambling. It was a BAD day !!!!!

Annie - I like everyone's response too! You are so GREAT! Your H doesn't know what a chance he's taking if he gives you up. It's certainly his loss, not yours. But I do think you should set conditions. Human beings (my online friend!) can never REALLY capable of "unconditional love." I think we do TRY. I do think we try. But hear this (if it's any consolation). My W and I had a date to go out to our favorite (hoity-toity) bar tonight and have a nice, intimate shmooz about our relationship. Guess what? She picks a fight over nothing and takes off for parts unknown. Do I still love her? Hell, yes. Do I want to LIVE with her much longer? I am NOT so sure! R. & B.<P>--Wex

AHEM!!<BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>The lament of working mothers everywhere!<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> Just teasin’ ya’ Annie!<P>Take it easy & relax. It’s nerve wracking waiting to hear what he has to say when you have no idea what to expect!<P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html</A>

Annie,<P>I haven't been around much lately but when I read your post I just had to let you know how proud I am of the way you've handled everything. You brought a tear to my eye...you take care, 'cautiously optimistic' would characterize your outlook right now. I have no advice, just some good thoughts headed your way.<P>