My Dearest H,

This is a difficult letter for me to write, one that I have been mentally working on for weeks now. I have written this letter with the true love that only a wife can have for a husband. Please read every word I have written, for it is from the heart.

I would like to acknowledge and apologize for my part in the demise of our marriage. I neglected your needs, and failed to give you what you needed many times. I'm sure this helped create a riff in our marriage that allowed your affair to happen. I have said this before, and I want to say it again: I want to do whatever I can to put our marriage back together in a mutually satisfying way. I feel that I have been learning ways to be the type of woman that I hope you would be proud to call your wife, as I have so many times felt pride in calling you my husband. I so want to be able to put the past behind us, and build a better life together for us and the Boys.

The past four months have been a difficult passage of time for me, the most emotionally traumatic in my life. We seemed to start recovery in the beginning, only to slip and fail again. I am still feeling the hurt and pain when I don't know where you are, or who your with. We have somehow misplaced our foundation of trust and respect. But lately God has given me a strength that I never knew I possessed. I have grown and matured more as a Christian than I have in my entire lifetime. Whereas in the past I endured the hurt and pain, I now see that it is soon to drain my love for you. Until you can truthfully and honestly return home and work with me on rebuilding our marriage, I will be having no communication with you, except regarding the children, and I will avoid seeing you. This is not to punish you; it is to protect my feelings for you and our chances at reconciliation. If we continue as we are now, there would be nothing left.

I ask that you please respect my decision to separate in this way. Please feel free to call the kids at any time and set up visits. If you need to contact me, please do so through email or voicemail.

Financially you have been very supportive, if you want to continue putting your checks in the bank. I would ask that you e-mail me with the amount and if you withdrawal any money let me know the amount.

I want us to be a team, and restore our marriage together. I want you to know that no matter how bad the past was, no matter how ugly, we can get past it. With God's help, our true healing can begin. Look inside yourself and find the strength we will need to do this.

I want to grow old with you. I loved you more than life itself while we were together, and I continue to do so as I write this. When you find yourself ready and willing to truly and fully commit to our family, willing to work on a plan for our recovery, and go to counseling, I will be ready and willing to discuss our future.

God be with you, my love.

Your loving wife,

Should I hand write this?

ok i'm guessing its ok. If not please tell me.

hey there, sorry I missed this earlier in the evening.

I see two majoy problems with it.

1. there can be NO contact with you at all. You must have a go between. He should not contact you via email or voice mail.

2. Your steps back might need to be a little more clear. Maybe say no contact with ow, recommit to marriage, etc.


I know this is so hard for you. You are doing great hang in there- I do think you need to let his mom know-even if you have to do it by phone. It needs to be done.

I know you don't want to, but telling your sons might bring your husband to his senses. Also, did you ever re-ezpose at church? I so think your pastor needs to know.

Yes I told my Pastor everthing. And i told some of our friends (the ones that I think can help) at church.

Telling our son's is going to be very hard. I look into there eyes and see the pain and just don't want to add to that.

Marflow,

I really like the first part of your letter....but I have some of the same objections that moveforward has. Email is contact....you need an intermediary for visitation and financial correspondence so that he cannot contact you directly. He'll be looking for "normal casual contact" and so it's important that you realize how even conversations like email can give him his "family fix" and prevent the OW from having to fill all his needs. Many people find the intermediary thing difficult....but if you can arrange it....it's a far better and darker Plan B.

I also agree with moveforward's other suggestion....instead of giving clear conditions for reconciliation....you've just gotten mushy at the end and almost begged him to reconsider. I think this weakens your letter. This is the part of the letter where you need to be honest about how cruel and painful his affair is, and how to protect yourself, you must completely separate yourself from him....or it will destroy the love you still feel. Separation from his affair partner is an absolute necessity for contact ever to resume, and until that happens, it's too painful to be involved in the everyday trauma of the affair. When he's willing to end all contact....add that you would love to talk to him about what will be needed for reconciliation.....because when he's ready to come home....is when you have to negotiate carefully to make sure you have a good recovery plan in place....and stringent conditions to be met before he moves back in.

A simple "Love, Marflow to end it would show more strength and resolve I think.

If you haven't completed exposure.....to your church and your children....and to any others that may intervene for your marriage....please do so now. During Plan A and at no later than the beginning of Plan B....is the OPTIMUM time for exposure. Please don't wait any longer.

Best of luck to you.

Move and star, I've changed the bottom of my letter. Let me know what you think.


I gave WH until saturday to either poop or get off the pot. If his chose is to work on the marriage then I won't expose any futher if not then I will tell our sons and his family.
My Dearest H,

This is a difficult letter for me to write, one that I have been mentally working on for weeks now. I have written this letter with the true love that only a wife can have for a husband. Please read every word I have written, for it is from the heart.

I would like to acknowledge and apologize for my part in the demise of our marriage. I neglected your needs, and failed to give you what you needed many times. I'm sure this helped create a riff in our marriage that allowed your affair to happen. I have said this before, and I want to say it again: I want to do whatever I can to put our marriage back together in a mutually satisfying way. I feel that I have been learning ways to be the type of woman that I hope you would be proud to call your wife, as I have so many times felt pride in calling you my husband. I so want to be able to put the past behind us, and build a better life together for us and the Boys.

The past four months have been a difficult passage of time for me, the most emotionally traumatic in my life. We seemed to start recovery in the beginning, only to slip and fail again. I am still feeling the hurt and pain when I don't know where you are, or who you’re with. We have somehow misplaced our foundation of trust and respect. But lately God has given me a strength that I never knew I possessed. I have grown and matured more as a Christian than I have in my entire lifetime. Whereas in the past I endured the hurt and pain, I now see that it is soon to drain my love for you. Until you can truthfully and honestly return home and work with me on rebuilding our marriage, I will be having no communication with you and I will avoid seeing you. This is not to punish you; it is to protect my feelings for you and our chances at reconciliation. If we continue as we are now, there would be nothing left.

I ask that you please respect my decision to separate in this way. Please feel free to call the kids at any time and set up visits. If you need to contact me, please do so through A___.

Financially you have been very supportive, if you want to continue putting your checks in the bank. I would ask that you e-mail me with the amount and if you withdrawal any money let me know the amount via e-mail.

I want us to be a team, and restore our marriage together. I want you to know that no matter how bad the past was, no matter how ugly, we can get past it. With God's help, our true healing can begin. Look inside yourself and find the strength we will need to do this.

Last week when you said those things to me it hurt much deeper than you will ever know. I’ve seen you twice in the last week and I felt numb. Your right I should not settle for anything less than 100% from you. I need you to have NC with OW for the rest of your life. Any contact with her hurts me. She is not just a friend.

Love.

BUMP

sign up for online banking and you can get the amount of the deposits that way- do not ask him to email you.

Ok, I would have never thought of that. Thanks

you're welcome.

Dr H recommends sending a copy of the letter to the OP

Ok, I took the e-mail thing out. Told him how much I need to cover bills.

Does everything else look ok?

Should I hand write it?

My Dearest H,

This is a difficult letter for me to write, one that I have been mentally working on for weeks now. I have written this letter with the true love that only a wife can have for a husband. Please read every word I have written, for it is from the heart.

I would like to acknowledge and apologize for my part in the demise of our marriage. I neglected your needs, and failed to give you what you needed many times. I'm sure this helped create a riff in our marriage that allowed your affair to happen. I have said this before, and I want to say it again: I want to do whatever I can to put our marriage back together in a mutually satisfying way. I feel that I have been learning ways to be the type of woman that I hope you would be proud to call your wife, as I have so many times felt pride in calling you my husband. I so want to be able to put the past behind us, and build a better life together for us and the Boys.

The past four months have been a difficult passage of time for me, the most emotionally traumatic in my life. We seemed to start recovery in the beginning, only to slip and fail again. I am still feeling the hurt and pain when I don't know where you are, or who you’re with. We have somehow misplaced our foundation of trust and respect. But lately God has given me a strength that I never knew I possessed. I have grown and matured more as a Christian than I have in my entire lifetime. Whereas in the past I endured the hurt and pain, I now see that it is soon to drain my love for you. Until you can truthfully and honestly return home and work with me on rebuilding our marriage, I will be having no communication with you and I will avoid seeing you. This is not to punish you; it is to protect my feelings for you and our chances at reconciliation. If we continue as we are now, there would be nothing left.

I ask that you please respect my decision to separate in this way. Please feel free to call the kids at any time and set up visits. If you need to contact me, please do so through A___.

Financially you have been very supportive, if you want to continue putting your checks in the bank, if not I will need $1900.00 per month to pay the bills that we have made together.

I want us to be a team, and restore our marriage together. I want you to know that no matter how bad the past was, no matter how ugly, we can get past it. With God's help, our true healing can begin. Look inside yourself and find the strength we will need to do this.

Last week when you said those things to me it hurt much deeper than you will ever know. I’ve seen you twice in the last week and I felt numb. Your right I should not settle for anything less than 100% from you. I need you to have NC with OW for the rest of your life. Any contact with her hurts me. She is not just a friend.

Love.

Hey there, I keep reading it- and I think you should take out "seperate this way" just say respect my decision.

It's out.

I'll try to keep this toward the top of the forum tonight and maybe some others will read it with some input- you can finalize tomorrow.

hang in there

Good luck Marflow! I am no far enough along to help with your PBL but this will give it a bump all the same *hugs*

Marflow, I'm writing mine right now too. You haven't mentioned anything to him about stopping the A. Are you willing to take him back and work on the marriage while he's still seeing OW?

Peter, It's at the bottom of the letter. He has to stop all C with OW. That's why his not home yet.

He says they are just friends, that's fog talk. I did'nt fall off the turnip truck and I wasn't born last night.

I can't believe I missed that! ok, that was my only question.