I just found out that my husband slept with another woman. I never thought that he would cross that line. He is steadily denying it. But soo many facts and situations lead only to him having a affair. A couple of weeks ago is made the comment about picking between two lives and last week before him went out of town he picked a fight and started an argument about nothing - nothing that had to do with me, yet he found a reason to be upset and take it out on me and threaten to leave me. We didn't have any major problems in our marriage, at least that's what I thought. We were even planning to build a house that we just signed the paperwork for. So imagine my shock. One day before this argument he made a comment about staying in LA when he goes and not coming back. So ALL of these things made me turn on my woman's intuition! He did not speak to me the night before he left, now mind you the argument that day had nothing to do with me or our marriage or anything I did, so it was odd that he was mad at me. I was supposed to take him to the airport, so that next morning I get up and dressed to take him and at the last minute he tells me his nephew was taking him. I was soo heated at this point. Then when he left he hugged me that I was a friend not his wive of 6 years and mother of his 3 kids and 1 soon to be. So at this point I started digging. On our phone bill there was a number called almost everyday early morning and late nights for the last two weeks. I found a receipt of flowers sent to a woman with that same number. And to top it off, on my computer screen there was a website on how to file for divorce. I was destroyed!!!

He called when he got there, but was still mad. I didn't know where he was staying or how he was getting around. Our accounts did not reflect a debit for a hotel or a rental car. SO as calm as I possibly could - I asked him that night what hotel he was in and what the number was. He said he would call me with it. I knew then that he was lying, because that is not how he operates. So the next day I aked him how was he paying for everything because our account did not show a hotel or rental debit. He gave this song and dance, and tried to turn it back on me by saying "I'm really still mad at you." I stooped him and asked him did he want to divorce me, he said what are you talking about - so I told him what I found - everything that I found out. He said he was comtemplating it and that she was just a girl helping him with his project. I knew she was working with him - but all that talking was inapproiate. SO to end the conversion, I told him that I would not call him anymore and he did not have to worry about me checking on him. He called me every two hours every day after that, but I still did not beleive him - he still did not tell me where he was staying.

Anyway he decided to come home early - and I planned to see if he would come clean and suggest that we try some of the concepts I have been reading about on this site. That same day, I get a call from a woman, who says she knows him but did not know he was married. This is the woman from the phone calls and flowers. She is also the woman that he apparently stayed with when he ws there. She confirmed everything I already suspected. I felt so betrayed and was ready to kill or hurt. I prayed and I calmed down and asked myself want do I want. I decided I owe it to us to a least try.

So I picked him up from the airport and we went to a hotel, After we got cozy and make love, I told I know you been sleeping with someone else and I think we need to see a counselor to work on our marriage. He denied and denied it. He said he would never leave me, how much he loves me and so on. But if I beleived that he cheated on me, he thinks we should go ahead and separate because he is afraid I might get revenge. I tried to explain that is not about revenge but recovery. It keep eating me that he still denies it after all of the evidence laid out. Scared maybe to admit it. I didn't threaten him or anything but suggest some help.

Well yesterday I found condoms in his computer bag!!!!! I am pregnant, we don't use condoms and rarly ever do. So I printed some articles from the website along with a note (condoms attached) that he really needs to think about telling the truth for himself now. I told him I already know what I need to, so I don't need him to keep lying to me. I asked him to participate in the emotional needs survey with me. He is still not ready to face the truth about his affair, but he did the survey and we learned alot about each other. I am not sure what to do next. It is hard for me to initiate all of this, because I am the one hurt by it. So Pray for me that I stay on the path, because the pain and hurt is soo hard to take and can soo easily turn into anger then revenge or not caring at all!!
Thanks for all the advice.

Beautiful!

So, what else did the other woman say? Since she now knows he's married, is she dumping him? Perhaps there's hope for humanity afterall.

I can't fathom these dorks who cheat on their pregnant wives. It is beyond my comprehension.

Gte a copy of Surviving An Affair.

Take care of yourself and your baby - THE priority.

Who is influential in his life that you can expose his behavior to?

Well she seemed hurt that she was messing with a married man and upset the he totally lied to her. She assured me that she would not speak to him again and that if he tried to contact her, she would let me know. I'm not sure if I should trust that or not. At least I caught this pretty early, he meet her about 4 weeks ago.

I am going to go get a copy of that book today!!

The only person of influence in his life is our Imam (which is the leader over our mosque). I have tried to get in touch with him to discuss this.
All of his friends would probably not even think it is that big of an issue.

I know I need to keep posting here and find someone to talk to. It hurts soo bad!!! I keep thinking about how could he ever share that with someone else. I try not to dwell on it, but I find myself crying constantly. I cried myself to sleep last night.

I have to say he is being responsive to techniques on making our relationship better. He still won't admit the affair yet. Maybe in time he will, but i just feel like he is not totaling addressing our issues if he won't even admit it and see my pain. I am doing my best to not be selfish. Who's shoulder so I cry on, he was always the one I unloaded on.

I'm just really sad right now!

Dear Ronpre,

Welcome to MB.
I'm sorry you find yourself here because of what caused it, but there are lots of good people here who will want to help you work this through.

I'm also sorry that you say that all of your H's friends "would probably not even think it is that big of an issue" - it seems he's hanging out with the wrong sort of friends.

Your Imam will hopefully have a better influence on your H.

And hey, you can get a little selfish and angry !
That's quite understandable.
In fact, it's quite normal and what everyone goes through that experiences this.

Do you have anyone you can talk to about this?
Family, female friends?

I feel like I don't. At least no one that would really understand and not hold grudges. See if him and I are going to work it out, I don't want people judging and holding a grudge against him or us. The only person I tust right now with my feelings is the Imam.
There may be one other person, but she is my husband's best friend's wife. I really don't want him to know that's who I am talking to.
A lot of his friends are not married and play the field. No clue of what monogamy is!

It seems like he'll need new friends then.

And you're right not to trust OW.
She might really have meant what she said to you, but if your WH would say nice things to her and apologize etc...
She might change her mind.

In fact, for your WH to have no more contact with this woman, would he have to change jobs?

No WH would not have to change jobs we just will not use her as a consultant.

It's been a couple of days and I think I am a little lost as far as recovery. We have been talking and sharing, but sometimes it as if none of this even happened. I don't want him to think I am over this and all is forgotten, just because I am trying to work things out. He moves and acts like he did nothing and I just need to get over it.

I don't want to fight with him, but he will ask me what's wrong with me - why am I sad. It takes every calm bone in my body not to say, "You! you [censored] and that fact that you cheated on me is why I am sad! So I say nothing, but then he becomes distant and angry. I just want to know how to work on my marriage and still deal with my pain?!!

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