I am at my wits end trying to figure out my husband.
He works all the time and then on weekends he goes for walks that turn into hours. He is secretive about our bills. He says they have his name on them and he pays for them.
If I get upset and try to talk to him it turns into an argument and then its not about my feeling anymore its about me being a nag and a b***h.
He says he needs time for him. I think he gets plenty. He goes to work at 5:30 am (his choice) and I never know when he will be home. When he gets home he usually eats dinner then heads to his computer until bedtime.
I have taken to sleeping elsewhere because I am tired of being ignored...and he just uses that to make me feel worse.
I don't know what is going on with him. I am faithful to him probably to a fault. I try to ask for change and I get nowhere. I try to change myself and he takes advantage of that. He even said he wants me to be submissive...which I tried for a week and he just seemed to be more distant..but yes..we weren't arguing because I had to keep my feelings inside.
I need advice or suggestion or input please.

Welcome to MB, angelmorr.

First, there is no such thing as being "faithful to a fault"... be PROUD that you are faithful.

Do you think your H is having an affair? Because sad to say, it sure sounds like he's hiding something and frankly, by your description of how he behaves, it also sounds like he's trying to deflect the responsibility for his actions onto you.

I really don't know if he is...he has a lot of unaccountable time. He tries to make me feel like I am being paranoid but that is understandable.

This past weekend he emailed me from work after not speaking to me for 5 days and said he was still at work (I didn't even know he was there cus it was the weekend and he just got up and left) and then he said he was going to stay at his parents house for the night... then I find out they were out of town!! When he got home I quizzed him and he says we were fighting and he wanted to be alone and that it is normal for guys to do things like that. Well I was married for 16 yrs previously and my ex never did anything like that!
I just don't understand it. If he is having an affair.. or is so unhappy why doesn't he just go? If he doesn't love me why doesn't he go?
Everyone seems to suggest to me that he is being unfaithful but when I broach that subject with him he turns it around and makes me out to be insecure etc.
I just want the truth.

angel,

I would bet cash money that he's having an affair.

Click here -->Just Found Out to get to the section of the forum that I think would be VERY helpful to you.

Read, read and read some more...

Read the concepts. Read about Plan A and Plan B. Learn about the signs of affairs. Learn about emotional abuse. Learn everything you can about saving your marriage and yourself from further harm.

Best wishes... you are in the right place, angel... this place helps to save lives.

angel,

Welcome to MB....so sorry you're here!!

(((((((((((((((angel))))))))))))))

I'm sorry to say.....but this has redflags all over it. You need to do some investigative work....or hire someone to do it for you. There is some pretty sophisticated spy products on the market now that anyone can use....but you need to know the truth.

My next question is are you prepared for the truth? Because I have a feeling it's not going to be very pretty. Of course he turns things around on you....that's what all waywards spouses do....otherwise....they'd have to face the music. As long as he can make you feel insecure and mistrust your instincts, he can continue to protect himself and treat you like a lying, jealous crazy woman.

You aren't. And you know you aren't. You haven't imagined his secrecy, his disappearances and his lies. What do you think he's covering up? Why don't you trust what you already know? Get the goods!! Don't wait anylonger to expose these lies.

thanks david
I will definitely check out that link. I am so confused and hurt right now that I cannot think <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

The bottom line is..whether he is having an affair or whether he isn't [and he probably is] his behavior is unacceptable...and you should not accept it.

Is this NEW behavior and if not..could you describe the length of time that he has been behaving this way and the changes as you noticed them?

starfish
thanks for the welcome..
what kind of investigative work can I do? I do not have access to his computer, I do not have access to his cell phone or the bills. I do not even know the people he works with because he has never introduced me.

I don't trust him because in the past he has done things.. IE having online relationships with women, having an affair in his first marriage, keeping things from me that I found out about later...etc.

exposing his lies doesn't work cus he denies, denies, denies!
Ive told him.. those who have nothing to hide, hide nothing.. a dr phil quote..who he think is evil btw!

angel,

starfish
thanks for the welcome..

Hope you find help here!

what kind of investigative work can I do? I do not have access to his computer, I do not have access to his cell phone or the bills. I do not even know the people he works with because he has never introduced me.

OoooooooH....all kinds chere! There are keyloggers and spyware you can install on his computer so you can get access. There are GPS trackers you can put on his car to tell you exactly where he is. There are voice activated recorders you can tape under the seat of his car. And finally.....you can hire a PI. Tell H you're going out of town....have the investigator tail him while you're gone. It's not really too hard.....cheaters make mistakes and leave clues. Close your mouth....and open your eyes....don't let on that you're looking right now....let him be comfortable.

I don't trust him because in the past he has done things.. IE having online relationships with women, having an affair in his first marriage, keeping things from me that I found out about later...etc.

Well....more clues....so sorry.
\
exposing his lies doesn't work cus he denies, denies, denies!

That's why you need proof....emails, tapes, videos, financial records.

Ive told him.. those who have nothing to hide, hide nothing.. a dr phil quote..who he think is evil btw!

How is it that you don't see your own financial records and bills??? I just don't understand...... Is this how your marriage has always been set up? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

angelmorr-
welcome, but I'm sorry to see you here under these circumstances. You have a long, marathon ahead, so take a deep breath and start preparations.

The key to doing any investigative work is to NEVER LET ON that you are suspicious. This drives the guilty party deeper underground, and makes it ten times harder to uncover all the ugliness.

You've gotten some good advice on investigations. I also suffer from a husband who thinks he can keep all the finances hidden from me. Look where it got me. You are married, right? By LAW you have every right to see all joint liabilities, even if H pays the bills. You need to stand up for yourself.

I'm guessing you have some low self esteem right now, am I right? That makes it even harder. Work on that if you can. Get support from friends or family, if you can, but from MB folks if you can't. This is a great group, and they will stick by you.

I did a lot of sleuthing before I confronted my H, and by then, I had EVERYTHING. I had voice activated recordings of his conversations, copies of hotel bills, phone records, and more. When you have a bunch of evidence, it's much harder to argue and deny. Again, I'm sorry you're here under these circumstances. Good luck.

How can I install stuff on his computer when I don't have access to it?

How can I afford to buy this stuff when he controls the money?

He pays all of our bills online.. I found out about the cell phone bill because I saw the withdrawls on the bank account... when we were married about a year or so he finally put me on his online bank account so I could see the transactions.

One time I found a bill for a credit card and I asked him about it and he called the post office and stopped our mail from being delivered!!! He said so I wouldn't accuse him of things anymore!

Angelmorr...

I am very concerned about you far and beyond the probability that your H is having As.

Here is my advice.

If you do not work...get a job..pronto..yesterday...ASAP.

Call the post office and request that mail be delivered to your home again.

Call a lawyer and ask for assistance with regard to your rights and ways that you can enforce them...check with your local community center or a womens advocacy hotline for info about free legal aid if you need to.

You are allowing him to make you VERY vulnerable and very easily controlled...you really...REALLY have to put a stop to this before ANY advice can help you with affair sleuthing.

noodle..this was something he did in the past..I called the post office immediately and they told me only he could start the mail again.. when I confronted him about it he eventually did get our mail going again.

as for working.. I have children..I am not going to compromise them. I am a SAHM and will continue to do so as long as I can.

I am not allowing him to do anything.. I am fighting him every step of the way. I can only control me.

I just want the truth then I will go from there.

angel,

I'm having similar thoughts to noodle. I just can't imagine how you have allowed this man to treat you this way. I consider his actions abusive. I'm afraid for you.....I'm afraid of the control this man has over you.

Don't you have a credit card? Even if he sees the bill....by that time....you'd have the information you need. Are you afraid to withdraw money from your account? I also agree with noodle that you need job....and independent finances. Do you have friends and family who can help you?

how do you allow someone to do something to you? I don't understand.. he does what he does and I go my own way.. I cannot control what he does...and when he does something I confront him and tell him it is not acceptable..

No I do not have friends here.. they are in Canada as is my family!

I don't take money out of the bank account unless he tells me to.. he "has" to be in control of the money so he can make sure we have enough to pay the bills.

I have access to some money.. child support from my first marriage but I am not going to use that to investigate my second husband..that just isn't right.

Angel,
I'm so sorry to see you here.

Keep reading here. Keep your eyes and ears open. Don't believe anything from your husband that you cannot verify.

Above all, don't let on to him that you suspect anything.

How long have you been married?

Your kids from previous marriage or yours together?

I hate to say it but, I too married a man who had an affair w/wife #1. He has now had multiple w/me so I believe your husband is doing the same.

Do you have a friend who could follow him around without getting caught?

The suggestions for keyloggers, voice recorders, GPS, PI are good. Does he keep papers at your house, i.e. cell phone records, credit card statements, etc. Anything that you could look at while he's gone to see if you find anything?

It sounds like he's got you where he wants you; at home taking care of the kids and he has no accountability to you for anything. He should not have such a secret life apart from you. That's not normal. Don't allow him to make you think it's all you. Classic symptom of a cheating spouse.

Keep posting and everyone will help you with your next steps, etc.

do you have children with this man?

We have been married 6 years. The kids are mine from a previous marriage. When I first moved here his kids lived with us and I looked after the as well but they are older now and live with their mom.

I don't have any friends here <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

sigh

You understand that you can not control him...you can see that he has drawn very clear boundaries around what he will and will not accept from you...you need to do likewise.

If it is not acceptable..then it is a dealbreaker...period.

I suggest you study BOUNDARIES as a concept.

If you are not willing to walk away under ANY circumstances then you have absolutely zero power to begin the changes in your marriage that you are asking for help in bringing about.

Being a SAHM under THIS particular set of circumstances is about the WORST possible choice that you could make...he has not demonstrated that he is willing and able to HONOR his responsibility to you and your children and your sacrifice of personal financial independence.

Sometimes our circumstances do not allow us to follow our ideals to the letter and I really think that this is a prime example of a GOOD ideal being a BAD choice for the time being and under this particular set of conditions.

Can you expand on why you think using money that belongs to you is wrong in investigating likely adultery?

I really think that adultery is not the primary issue right now.

I am willing to walk away. It is just not a easy decision, I have no job, no money, no friends, my family can't help,and I have medical expenses that will not be covered if I leave. If I had all those then it would be easier to just get up and do it.

I think it is wrong to use the child support money from my ex husband as a way to investigate my current husband. That money is for my children. If I use that then I will have no money for food or school etc.

of course.. part of me hopes we can work things out.. but I am starting to see that this is probably not going to happen