I had a random musing in my head. We are nowhere close to this subject. but just for discussion's sake:

If the subject ever came up, should I encourage my wife to move back in, or 100% hold out until NC agreed on?

She is in a long-distance mostly online affair. Sees him in person maybe once a month.

On the one hand, obviously I want the affair to stop.
On the other hand, she refuses to discuss issues between us. I think it will take "seeing" that we can live together ok, to make that a viable choice for her to consider.

Are you in Plan B Techie? What were your expressed conditions for marital recovery - that's your standard.

Do you really want your wife back if she is in an active affair? Do you share well Techie?

nope. plan A.

I am concerned that if I dont get a chance to build sufficient love units up, she will choose to go with the unknown new "relationship", vs the supposedly "known unhappiness" of our past relationship.

I may soon be put into a position where I see her even less than I do now, which is not much at all.
I dont see how our marriage could recover in that situation.

So I'm thinking that there is a drastic need to show her that we can co-exist peacefully. I think that's what plan A's basis is all about.

Techie - if you are in plan A, then her moving back in is probably a good thing. What you want to do in plan A is get her in there, and experience a situation that makes her wonder why she would leave that situation.

If/when she moves back, you need to be prepared. You need to search yourself and determine what her needs are and meet them. You need to determine the love busters that you do, and eliminate them.

Yes, fill her her love bank like crazy. 15 hours a week of good communication is suggested by Dr. H as the amount for MAINTENANCE. For recovery, he urges 30 HOURS A WEEK. If you can get to the point of lots of GOOD quality time, then you have a good chance of saving the M. FILL THE NEED THAT THE OM IS FILLING. She will not snap out of the fog. It is more like walking out of a 2' deep mud lake. She is in the middle, and the only way out is to walk a mile in the mud. There are typically no shortcuts. So - through the mile of mud she must walk. Do not expect a dramatic change. Shore yourself up, take care of you, and get to a point of peace yourself.

It takes a lot of work.

I have been on your diet. I lost about 15 pounds. (yes, I found it again...) All of the BSs here have. Keep coming here for support.

I have succeeded. I made it through. And I am no longer married. But MANY, MANY people here have succeeded, and made it through, and have better marriages than they thought possible. Take care of yourself, and you will succeed, regardless of the status of your marriage.

Pray like crazy. And then pray more.

far

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