Hi, hbs - sorry I did not see your update last week.

You do sound stronger. That's good. As far as how WS conduct affairs while still living at home? Well, the workplace presents primo opportunities. Most of them, especially large corporate workplaces, are locked up tighter than Fort Knox. The BS cannot walk in, cannot see email, cannot listen to voice mail, cannot see the company newsletter (now strictly on-line on a company intranet) - cannot see anything. It's the ideal setup.

Just add in plenty of overnight business travel with fun and attractive opposite-sex coworkers and you could not design a better setup to have an affair. The company even pays for your phone, your email, your dinner, your entertainment and your hotel.

It's perfect.
Mulan

In addition to him respecting you, the Xws needs to reassure you and help you get closure.

Do you and your H have a recovery plan? Please read SAA and call Steve or your MC for a solid recovery plan.

That recovery plan will place most of the recovery work on the WS' shoulders.

take care,
L.

Thank you Mulan and Orchid.

Yes, we are working on a recovery plan together. So far, so good although we have a long road ahead of us.
Things ARE looking up and I'm thankful and more appreciative of his respect for me everyday.
I can honestly say things are getting better, albeit slowly, but they are getting better again.

As for MC or calling the Harley's, we are *almost* there. I say almost, b/c we are still learning how to relate to one another and I'm still learning how to handle my passive agressive husband. THEN, we'll look at MC/calling etc.

I wanted to write about something that I learned/figured out this weekend about my WS's behavior since D-day.


Have you seen the show called "cheaters"?
Well, before all this A stuff, we used to watch it as a couple and WS was VERY open w/his feelings that cheaters are wrong! Oh how very ironic, eh?
Its sorta like watching Jerry Springer..where you watch in awe and thank gawd that you are not like that. LOL
And now, here we are, just like that. Sad, sad, sad.


Well, during this episode of "Cheaters", this lady found out her BF was seeing another woman.
They confronted WBF/OW w/cameras rolling and yep, the WBF denied, denied, denied, right in front of the OW even. Caught red handed, yet still denying.

Then the BGF started yelling and screaming at OW who very calmly said "she had no idea. Didnt know he had a GF etc. Talk to him, not her, etc".

BGF contiued to call OW names, yell at her, try to attack her, basically taking her agression out on OW...the wrong person, IMO.

Well, as we watched, I could sympathize w/ the BGF's anger and hurt and rage towards OW, yet I didnt say anything outloud.

My WS DID say: "OW has the right attitude. Its not her fault. BGF is blaming the wrong person".

And then it hit me....like a ton of bricks.

Yes, I HAVE blamed my WS's OW for getting involved w/a married man. While THEY justified it b/c WS and I were separated at the time, they both knew, and SHE knew, he was not yet D'd. He was STILL MARRIED when they hooked up.
So, to an extent, no, I dont feel bad for OW at all.

But, I know that my WS does.

Watching him react to this show, having compasion for the OW on this show, told me that he DOES feel guilt, some type of remorse in all this..and that he probably feels just as guilty for hurting OW as he does for hurting me.

I wrestled with it all night long. It bothered the heck out of me.
But, then I started to feel badly for OW also. I wont EVER like her, and I wont EVER say her name outloud, but I almost feel badly for her.
I even found myself thinking about *her feelings* when I heard this song on the radio talking about how "they'll never be together" etc.
I found myself feeling sorry for OW, as its AWFUL to get your heart ripped out, even IF it was during an A.
OW isnt married, she has 3 kids. I'm sure she was HOPING that MY H, would be "the one".

OW told me, when I called her on D-day, "I'm in love w/him". UGH.
I hear her say those words everyday. Its like a tape that runs through my mind constantly.
It makes me SICK, but also makes me sad.

Sad, that not only I got hurt, not only my WS got hurt, but another woman w/kids got hurt in this whole mess as well.
She even played the "my kids ask when XX is coming over again. What am I supposed to tell them?" card.

Sad card to play, and I wish I would have replied w/something about MY KID..WS's own child. I wanted to tell her WHO CARES about YOUR kids....thats YOUR problem that they got hurt in all this....but I didnt. I honestly dont remember what I even said.

Anyways. I guess I just wanted to get this out, b/c well, I wonder if this is normal for the BS to feel empathy towards the OW?
I dont hurt for her or anything, but I do feel sorry for her.

I feel sorry that she made some really bad mistakes, like getting involved w/ a married man, for one, and is now, again, alone and he is back home w/me.
Must feel like crap for her.

Is this weird that I feel this way? I mean, I HATE her, yes, I do. And I DO fantasize about calling her up and telling her all the things I forgot or didnt think about telling her the day that we spoke.
I hate her for continuing to call my H after D-day and for TRYING to woo him back to her a few times.
But, I feel sad for her...perhaps b/c it could have very easily been me, hearing sad songs, and wondering why he left me for her.

Oh, but really the main reason I posted this today, is b/c I read another post where the BS is po'd, hurt, and her DH wants her to "get over it".

Yeah, been there. My WS did the same and wanted to/would really like to shove it all under the rug, or ignore the huge elephant in the room.

But, we can't. I can't. I keep tripping on the rug, we're running out of room in our living room w/the elephant there.

And now I realize WHY he wants to this to all just go away.

Because HE feels bad. Hearing him talk about the OW from the tv show, reaffirmed that he even feels badly for hurting OW too.

My WS, if he is truly in NC, and we are truly in recovery, like I think we are, is dealing with hurt, pain and embarrasment and guilt all his own....independant of mine.

I've been focusing TOO much, or rather, ALL the focus has been on MY pain, hurt, anger....and very little on his.

Huge lightbulb moment for me this weekend.
Huge.