I hope that you can share some advice...

I am in a year long relationship with a wonderful new man. We were both previously married, and were both cheated on. We are in a committed, trusting relationship, but he has difficulty allowing himself to be "in love". He has told me twice that he loves me, - but then will retract it and say rather, that he "cares deeply" for me but isn't sure if he loves me. I understand his feeling this way (fear....) but it's difficult for me also, as I was told on a daily basis in my previous marriage, that I was not loved. He is an incredible man, and I feel love between us, but I can't help feeling hurt. It just reminds me of how unloved I was in my marriage.
Will this ever pass? How long before you were able to TRULY love again? I am ready to love, and want to be loved.

To me, the word "love" is just a word. For instance, some people may be unwilling to say that word because they might think that it is only one step away from a marriage proposal. So I would not necessarily obsess about him not being willing to utter the word, assuming everything else is "right".

However, having said that, I suspect that there is more at play here, that he is worried about opening up, and that would be bothersome if that were still the case after a whole year together.

I'm curious, why do you say that you "understand his feeling this way (fear) but it's difficult for me also" - why is there a fear?

How long has he been divorced?

AGG

Exactly.

I learnt that "love you" means nothing (to ME) unless I FEEL that love and devotion.
Therefeore, I don't expect 'love you' WORDS (I agree, it's nice to hear it though), but I totally expect I feel it (otherwise would run away ASAP)

So, if it's 'only words', it'd be OK... but must be something else, right?
Maybe you want to move further with him (move in, e.g.) and he hesitates?
Maybe you feel his resistance to be again devoted, committed... and you are ready?
If so... it's OK - one year for some people is not enough to be SURE, especially after some bad experiences...

Good guy, what I mean by "I understand his feeling this way (fear)"....he was cheated on, blindsided really, and I understand that it's a huge risk to give your heart to someone totally (he's been divorced nearly 4 years). He has no problem opening up to me, we have talked about our (VERY similar) situations at length. I think that he feels as though, by saying "I love you" it is opening the door to potential hurt. Unfortunately, they are words and affirmations I need to hear. Probably because I lived so many years hearing just the opposite.

Belonging2myself, they really are only words. He has been committed to me/us for a year now. We are truly committed to each other, but it's almost as if the words themselves have some power over him. He shows me love, respects me. my family,...we share all the details of our lives past and present...he is still afraid of being hurt, and betrayed, and I think feeling bitter still over his wifes infidelity and breaking up his family. This relationship is worth pursuing. I love him. Maybe it's selfish, but after being so degraded, and so beat down, in my previous marriage, hearing these words would mean the world to me. I need that for myself.

Hmmm, most of us here have been cheated on, so we know the hurt. But if someone has been divorced for four years already, some of that hurt/fear should have been dealt with and/or resolved.

I guess I am going to go out on the limb and say that if someone is petrified of saying "I love you" for fear of being hurt, that person is of dubious readiness status for a relationship. While he may have more healing to do, it is not your job to help him heal; in fact, more than likely, if he is not ready to trust or love, being in a relationship with you only hinders that healing and progress. IMO, of course.

I'm curious, do you hope that he will eventually learn to "love", or that you will learn to accept him never saying "ILY"?

AGG

OK, I understand... you need those words...

What I do not understand:
If he is so truly devoted and committed, shows you his love, and respect, and commitment... doesn't he already truly love you?
I.e. if he's so afraid of being hurt and betrayed again, how he'd be able to be committed to you at all...?
It's like... afraid of a deep water but yet swimming on the high seas and at the same time saying "I'm afraid of water, not going there"...
Isn't it... 'childlish'?
Or there is something else behind, that you might not see...?

Have you told him how much those words mean to you?
If you have, what was his answer?

Or maybe he thinks if he SAYS those words you will take it/him for granted, be secure, and then history might repeat...?

And that is childlish too...
Help him to grow up <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

Yes, I agree, he still has some work on himself and his healing to do...

Maybe his side was different


Maybe he WAS told daily that He Was Loved and all the while his wife was cheating on him.

I know that my WH (STBXH) kissed me good-bye every morning and said I love you everyday - yet he was having many A's. It cuts alittle deeper when you have been totally blindsided, wake up one day to finding such deception from someone who claimed to Love You...it puts soooo much doubt and fear in your world and what you believe.

IMHO maybe he's reserving saying it because he doesn't put as much weight in it as he use to or as you do...

Remember the saying - SHOW ME - DON'T TELL ME..

I do believe my WH loved me in his own way - or as much as he could - but, I want more than that now. I'm sure it's hard for you, but try to respect where he's coming from emotionally. Maybe he doesn't put alot of merit in those 3 little words anymore like you do. Maybe he can only feel "deeply" for someone now. I know it would be very hard for me after being soooo deceived to love so deeply and unconditionly as I loved WH.

Hugs

Then why be so afraid of saying them? He seems obsessive about avoiding "slipping" and saying them by accident, and if he does, he comes back and says that he didn't really mean to say them, that he only "cares deeply"... Doesn't sound to me like these words don't mean much to him, just the opposite. So why is he so worried about saying them if he feels them?


That is true, many of us here will never feel so naive and trusting as we did before being cheated on. But even if you will not love again so "unconditionally", does that mean you will never "love" again? If so, maybe that's a good indication of not being ready to be in a romantic relationship, right?

AGG

Well, maybe only HE can answer that. Maybe when he did say those 3 little words - then realized he said them - he freaked because he didn't mean them - but, wants he to know that it's more than just friends or sex partners. For right now, he can only or only does "feel deeply". We can't really be sure what is "going on in his head"...

In my case I will set boundaries in the next phase of my life. I didn't even know what a boundry was until all this A crap hit my front door. By loving my WH uncondionally (IMHO) I allowed my pain to continue. I enabled his A's, I tolerated the intolerable. The only answer I could ever give anyone that asked WHY ARE YOU STILL W/HIM was Because I still love him...and I can't let go.

Thru IC, reading, etc. I find that I have to let go, I have to stop loving him uncondionally. I've set my boundaries, better late then never.

Yes, I think I will love again - I just won't be a fool again..


I'm not sure if I agree with that - does being in a romantic relationship require "I Love You's"?????

Sorry, we got off track here...

True, but since he is not posting here, and the OP is asking what to make of it, we are left with speculating. You are right though - I think the OP would be wise to sit down with him and have a deep chat about all this.


Well, if the BF is afraid to say "ILY" because he thinks that would make him a fool, I'd say there is something fishy here...


I think that is the essential difference between romantic and platonic relationships, isn't it? Or do you mean having a loving relationship but simply never saying the words?

AGG

Ok - how about he's guarding his own heart from potential pain - no maybe not "relationship material" but he enjoys being w/her and hopes that he CAN fall further for her. I don't think she should push him into talking about it. He may say something just to appease and not hurt her feelings.


That's not exactly what I meant. It not foolish to say As a BS I didn't see it soon enough. It goes back to setting those boundaries even when you love someone.



Can't you say "I love you" in other ways??? I have great male friends which are definately platonic and I tell them I love them and I do ...but, not romantically..As we know, there are all forms of love.

So - does the original poster want him to just love her or be in love w/her??? or both????

But, I think I would be very careful of telling a romantic partner I loved him or maybe I could tell him, but, I'd wonder if he said it to me - if he truly meant it..??????

Yep, I'm still one confused BS..................

Hugs

Belonging2myself "Have you told him how much those words mean to you?
If you have, what was his answer? "

No, I haven't. I don't want to push...and I don't want ask to be told that I'm loved. After my ex, it would seem humiliating for me to have to do so.

AGG and all, thanks for the advice. I will take it all to heart. In the meantime, I will just try to lighten up and enjy his company.

Bluerskies... you know that it always counts how you say/ask and not what...
(Well, I'm not god with that either... e.g. AGG can tell you more about it <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />)

What I mean is - you can speak of your needs without being 'pushy'.

You say, e.g. 'I love autumn colors', that doesn't mean 'color some leaves for me' <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />, right?
The same with needs: I guess you talk with him about your previous marriage and how you were hurt, right? Why can't you then tell him a la 'X was 'this and that'... and I cannot imagine to have a fullfilling R I'd be happy and pleased with without my partner sharing these emotions by telling them to me...
Then repeat that a few times (it takes more for men to memorize some things <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />)

PS: Am I wrong to consider "a committed, trusting relationship" as being able to be "totally"(?) open and honest about your feelings and needs, and able to say anything you need to say and not to be afraid if he/she will get it wrong, and even if that happens that you'd always be given a chance to better explain yourself in order to be understood...?

Hm...

Good point. We talked about that last night, which was so hard for me. I walked on eggshells for so long in my previous marriage, buffered and sugar coated everything to keep the peace. Anyway, it was a good talk (and I am still getting used to the fact that he doesn't "run" whenever there's a problem or we have a discussion )