Where do you begin when your life has fallen apart? Found out yesterday morning from husband that OW is pregnant, maybe 2 mths along. Found out 1 week ago from OW that she has had sex with h throughout past 3+ years. She has worked for us approx 8 years. They had affair about 3 years ago. He was going to leave. Decided he wanted to stay and work things out. We have 4 yr old girl and 3 yr old boy. We've been married 16 yrs together 17 yrs. I don't know if I want this to work out. She is still working for us. She has made threats toward our business if we fire her. My h wants to do the right thing for the child. No one knows that we have these problems. I want to shelter my kids. I believed that if both parties can agree to work things out that marriage could survive. Now after finding out about the pregnancy, I don't know. I had an affair - 1 interaction about 12 years ago. I was in a bad place(many reasons) all which I've tried to deal with through God. I was wrong and never told him till he told me that he was leaving me to be with this ow when our son was 6 weeks old. He says he knew all along. I told him we could work things out. He slept in extra bedroom for about 6 mths then told me he wanted to work things out. He said she was just a friend and there was nothing between them. I believed him til I found out this past week. What does a person do? I have previously cried copious tears trying to figure out why he couldn't love me. I suspected he had maintained an emotional relationship with this person. He swore that he had not touched her. He told me yesterday about the child. He does not know what he wants. I definitely don't know what I want now. Two weeks ago if I had found out he was having an affair. I would have said I definitely would still want to work on the M With the info about the oc I don't know what to do. Sorry this is so jumbled, but how can a life be organized into a paragraph. She said he told her we had not had sex in three years. He never criticized me to her about any other things, supposedly. I knew that he has never gotten over finding out about my 12 year old affair. He has been angry and withdrawn emotionally from myself and our family this entire time. He used this as an explanation for his continued relationship. We had a fairly physical relationship this entire time approx. every other night with only a one or two longer breaks. I am overwhelmed, dazed and confused. How do I start healing myself and my family. I have read numerous books, including my bible. I feel empty and scared. She just recently divorced her husband, but is still living with him. She said she just wanted to do her job. She said she doesn't want anything from my h.

PB, welcome to MB. {{PB}} those are cyber hugs for you sweetie. I am so sorry for your reasons for being here.

Is the A over? What is your H doing to repair the damage to your M? Get the book "Surviving An Affair" by Willard Harley. Since you are a Christian I also recommend the "Torn Assunder" by Dave Carder. For yourself personally "Every Heart Restored" by Arterburn and Stoeker. If the OW is still living with her xH there is a chance the OC is not your H's. Be sure to not just take her word. Your H needs to get DNA done. In the meantime, get a lawyer that can help you get the OW out of that job. Your only chance at healing your M is NC with the OW.

I know that going forward with the M with a possible OC seems impossible. Some days I feel like that too. Take it one day at a time and work on the M until you know for certain if the child is your H's.

As for your past A. I did the same thing. My H found out during his A with the OC/mama. It pushed them closer together because of his hurt and anger toward me. During that period I worked on my personal growth and healing as well as a great deal of self examination.

You and your H have a lot of work to do IF you want to stay in the M. Keep posting.

Very sorry you find yourself here.

First of all and you're a smart woman and know this. His A isn't about you or your indiscretion. Good try on his part. They ALWAYS turn it around to be someone else's problem. His A is about him period. Lack of the self and respect.

With that said, read all you can read here. Also, you dont' have to "fire" her, but she needs to be gone. Lay her off, give her two weeks notice and get rid of her behind. If it's going to work for the two of you there has to be NC between the two of them period.

Remember to take care of yourself first or you won't be able to take care of your children and other issues.

You said she just divorced her H. Now how in the world does your H know for certain that she is pregnant with his child? PATERNITY needs to be established first. He owes her NOTHING. When the child is proved to be his, then he can start taking responsbility in whatever way the two of you decide. It needs to be jointly decided upon if your marriage is going to stand a chance. In the meantime work on your marriage if that's what you decide you want to do. Use the pregnancy time to help the two of you to rebuild.

EXACTLY. Well said, nut.

gonna put in my 2 cents.

i agree with nut and FF: get a DNA test done when the child is born. until then, both you and your husband can never be sure whose child that is.

in the meantime, work on your marriage if you still want to make it work. there are a lot of women here who have made stronger marriages inspite on an OC. they will give you numerous helpful advice.

i also recommend getting those books mentioned above.

i know that post d-day everything may seem unclear and uncertain. take the time to be still and know what you want in your heart of hearts. Sometimes it may take you longer to finally know it. But when you do, work on it, work on yourself.

and never forget the power of prayer.

hugs my friend,
a2gu, aka Romans828

hello precious babies

everytime i read someone who's so fresh out of dday, i cry...

its like i am again re-living my discovery day... the worst day of my life...

i just want to tell you that you are not alone.. ow in my case was also our worker, who later on, trapped me and went her way up to become my friend... that is why, i was so in denial the first few weeks... i couldnt believe my h and JOke (ow) would do that to me... but they did...

i left my husband... after 2 weeks (and during those 2 weeks) he kept on begging me for a second chance... i agreed but with these rules to name:

END AFFAIR
NO CONTACT WITH OW
NO CONTACT WITH OC, FOR NOW
HONESTY
BE ACCOUNTABLE FOR TIME SPENT AWAY FROM EACHOTHER

i have said to him DIVORCE several times, i lost count...

but ask yourself.. and be honest... what is it that you really want???
can you picture yourself being happy without your h?

or youre just confused? (arent we all...)

look deep into yourself... as for me, eventhough my h lied to me for 3 years (yes we basically hve the same points) and betrayed me with an oc to remind me all our life.... i knew that if my h would change, i still love him...

there are ways to go around on ow getting laid off from your establishment...
and yes, dna testing is a must...
the baby may not be your h's... ( i pray that it isnt his)

get it all out
cry
tell family, friends

that way, you can help yourself...

everything you said that you felt.. it all happened to me.. everything.. but i got passed it..

it may not mean anything to you know, but you will get there...

we are here for you

if its not too much, we can email eachother...

feel free to vent to me...

hubby_cheated@yahoo.com

i have so many things to share to you... which helped me in my path to self recovery and marriage rebuilding ...

Thank you all for your advice. This is all just overwhelming. I am so worried how to go about dealing with everything. My husband and I have been friends for a long time. Business partners,parents, etc. I told him that the biggest hurt is the baby because I had wanted another since our last, but he always said he was to old. The oc was not intentional on his part, but he knows that he could be the one that put it there. I do not believe that they were involved physically on a real regular basis. She is a few states away. I don't know how I feel about anything. I feel like I can't get my head on straight. My husband has said he is sorry for the situation that he has put us all in. I don't think he even knows what to do to make things right. He does not want to make a bad decision that could effect the oc in the future. The ow is manipulative. I just don't understand why she would want to put herself in the position of raising a child by a man that she doesn't love or want to be involved in the childs' life. How do I even begin trying to work this out with my husband, my family, his family a counselor. I am concerned about the pressures from the people who love myself and my kids that they would say there is no way to salvage the marriage and I should just get out. I firmly believe that children should be raised by their parents together. How can I get over the sick feeling in my stomach? Thank you again for sharing your own experiences.

You're not going to get over the sick feeling in your stomach for a very long time and then you'll have twinges. NOTHING will ever be the same with family extra,extra. The normal is not normal any longer. Sorry, just laying it on the line. You take baby steps at rebuilding your marriage if that's what you choose.

Yeah the OW doesn't love or want your H and doesn't want him to be involved in the OC's life. mmmmhmmmm. Typical response from the OW. If your H takes on the strategy, she'll fly the coop. He cuts off C, she'll make things difficult as much as she can, although you do hold the strings somewhat with her working for you. And . . . do you now want her knowing what's going on with your business and somewhat finances. Heck no. Get rid of her. The majority of OW's are mentally arrested and manipulative (that's how they get by in life). They have no self-respect, confidence, respect for others. They're really weak pitiful individuals with some serious problems. You'll find this the more you read and experience others situations.

You can't worry about the people who love you and your children. You have to take care of yourself and do what you believe is right for you. They don't walk in your shoes and aren't married to your H. Expect to receive lots of unwanted advice if and when you tell your family.

Personally, I wouldn't tell them until OC is born and paternity established. You can have paternity established before kid is born.

Check out http://www.survivingbetrayal.com