I have read a couple posts where people have mentioned they exposed the A of their WS to one side of the family or the other or even both. Is this a violation of boundaries? Can any good come from doing such a thing?

Peter

This is an important part of breaking up an affair. Is your spouse still in an active affair?

Having an affair is a serious violation of boundaries, exposing an affair is not. No one has the right to the privacy to have an affair. Exposure can be a very good thing if neccessary to kill an affair. No one has a right to "boundary" that allows them to carry on an affair in secrecy.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...e=0#Post3090577

The above is my thread in Divorce/Divorcing. About a month after my WW started her affair I exposed it to her side when her mother contacted me to ask how our MC was going. I replied, "The other man won" and then gave a synopsis of the events that had recently transpired.

Since then, she has said that telling her family is an offense that she cannot forgive and this is why she won't return. If you read my thread you'll see that she contacted me after a month long period of my Plan B to see if I was amenable to returning to MC. The instant I showed interest, she withdrew the offer and said that it was "too late". This is the third time she has done something similar and it tears me to pieces every time. I feel like she's saying, "I tried, now its YOUR fault."

In any event I had a heart wrenching phone call with her tonight and we are going to an extremely intensive 3 hour MC session with a MC who is familiar with the information here. The problem for me, is that every time I just start feeling healthy she manages to tear me down and then waits for a reaction. As soon as she gets it, she says something like, "See? You're too unstable, I can't go back to you." I'm starting to think I dont have enough strength left to go through with the MC. I love her, but she makes me question my very sanity. I have never taken the easy road out of anything in my life, but it seems like it would be so much more peaceful to just let go and move on. I really don't know what to do.

Peter

Peter, has she always been emotionally abusive?

Why are you going into counseling with her? What is the goal? Is there a reason you are breaking Plan B to do this? What were your conditions in Plan B for renewed contact?

Melody,

Let me clarify, I use the term Plan B Loosely. I have been working on the marriage myself for a long period of time by working on me. There is no real contract between us, rather, I decided on my own to stop talking to her until she was ready to talk about us. My goal for MC is to get her to stop the A and begin her grieving process but I just don't see it happening. This is my last hurrah, because frankly, its just too hard.

so, you are saying you are not really following any plan except plan peter? how's that working for you?

don't you think it might be better to pick a plan and work that plan?

Peter, I just read your other thread. She is extremely abusive and seems to delight in tearing you down. If I were you, I would remove myself entirely from this very abusive, detructive situation and resolve to have nothing to do with her until she RESOLVES to end her affair and demonstrates a MEANINGFUL CHANGE. Or at least demonstrates that she has some respect for you and won't abuse you. She has done none of that.

Marriage counseling is a complete waste of time if you are not in recovery. She isn't even pretending to be in recovery; she is just trying to keep you on leash. She is still in her affair and is only committed to you in the sense that she likes you around if she sees an opportunity to use and abuse you. Why volunteer for that?

Is this the woman you envision having children with?

Move Forward, You make me think, this is good. My plan was to not communicate with her until she was ready to return to MC, end the A and begin her grieving. She contacted me of her own accord indicating this might be a possibility so I tried talking to her only to get the rug ripped out from under me. You can call it "plan Peter", but it was my plan nonetheless. One way or the other, it failed miserably.

Melody, I don't know what I'm thinking. I'm losing my mind is what I'm thinking.

Peter,

Exposure is good. It helps to cave in the fantasy of the affair.

I think this marriage counseling session is actually a good thing if your counselor(s) are decent. You should not mistake this as a chance to make significant repairs to your marriage, but look at it as an opportunity to discuss a plan of action in the presence of two counselors. I'd suggest that you very succintly tell her that you're more than willing to work on the marriage, and make meaningful changes that benefit her in this marriage. All she needs to do is to end the affair and be accountable for it, and work on this in counseling with you. Without that type of agreement, I think I would leave the divorce on the table---although if you do end up divorced "soon", I would bet that she'll be back to you within a year.

I would also eliminate contact with her until she can commit to a recovery plan. If she needs to discuss things with you, let her do it through your counselor or another intermediary.

Peter, I would set firm groundrules about contacting you. For example, make it a condition that she has ended her affair and is committed to recovering the marriage before you will resume contact with her. Even with that, she would have to demonstrate that she will no longer be abusive.

Are you familiar with Plan B and Plan B letters? If you are going to go to MC tomorrow, you might want to take a letter with you and give it to her there. Then remove yourself from her sick world and take steps to protect yourself.

Here is a good link with some Plan B letters and another that gives a good overview of Plan B:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=37;t=019428#000000

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5033a_qa.html

And always remember, that you are not under any obligation to stay in a marriage that you deem hopeless and dangerous to your sanity. Some marriages are not salvagable and only you know what you can or can't endure. There is no shame in walking away if you feel it is the best thing for you.

""Since then, she has said that telling her family is an offense that she cannot forgive and this is why she won't return""

Dont pay that much attion on that, she wouldent returned anyway.Just a bad excuse

Peter - she's 32. How old are you?

Do you have any children with her?

If you have no children and you're of similar age, I suggest you conduct full exposure, secure a financial split of assets and ownership of real and personal property, then go to a REAL Plan B.

Continue your personal growth and perhaps she'll have an epiphany. If she doesn't, you're WAY better off going forward since you've jump started your betterment so well.

JMHO

This is all good advice. Briefly, I have a 9 year old daughter, her step-daughter. My daugter's mother was 21 when she was born. Marrying my WW was one of the happiest days of my life because I felt like I finally had a complete family. Since WW left my daughter has had a pretty emotional ride herself. Her mother has called me many times to say that my daughter is grieving pretty hard. She's returned to her mother's for the new school year. I had to beg WW to at least come and take her out for ice-cream to give her a chance to say good-bye, which the WW reluctantly agreed to, but did nevertheless.

I am 35. The exposure at this point is complete. Our divorce is, for all practical purposes complete as well. We went to a mediator and now just have to sign on the dotted line and wait about a month or so for the final hearing. I insisted she be the plaintiff so that I do not have to attend the hearing. All of our finances are separated already and personal belongings have been divided. The only thing left to do is assume the mortgage into my name and buy her equity out of the home which has already been negotiated in the stipulation.

I fully expect this MC session will be a waste of my time and money. It may, at the least, provide closure. I have read the Plan B letters and began writing my own to bring to the MC with me. My mother, who has the patience of Job, has to agreed to be a go between for us. Our session will not be until Friday the 8th. She has returned to her parents for 5 days for a funeral and won't return until next week.

I have a weekend of peace and quiet anyway. Its frustrating that she finds a way to blame everything I've done for myself as the reason that things cannot be mended. I dated someone else, I "had fun without her", I stopped calling her, I told her I was happy for her, and I shook the hand of the the OM (probably the hardest thing I've ever done in my life). The last, she said, "Humiliated her, made her feel small and childlike"

Marcus I think you're right. She has no intention of returning and uses anything she can about me to dump the responsibility squarely on my shoulders. So fine, its my fault. I don't care anymore.

Its such a shame knowing that everything CAN be so much better and she refuses to see it. I think she's just happier without me and I have to accept that. After all, "there was not a single good thing about our marriage that I can imagine going back to."

So, I've started my Plan B letter. Should I post it here when I'm done to get some feedback?

Peter,

I apologize I've been away from the site for a couple of days. Been a bit busy at the office, but I see that a LOT has happened. However, I will still email you so that you can share what you wanted to share.

I haven't read too much yet, I just wanted to drop this for you to let you know to expect an email soon.

Now I am off to read the entire thread <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Korlis

Peter,

Have a little smarts. What worked best at cracking your wife's thinly veneered fantasy AND put you in a postion of radiating self respect and the appearance of going on with your life? No R can be repaired, even in the best of situations, in under TWO years. Now that two years can be extended by BS errors like loss of self respect and permitting the WS to control the lives of everyone around them.



Tell me what was the significance of that exchange from your perspective as well as your WW?

Boy oh Boy...this is a rollercoaster ride of emotions and believe I'm still on it, too.

Right now I sense that you're just letting go...a very good place to be indeed <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Holding on only hurts, but letting go and letting it just unfold will prove to pay off more and more in the end.

I remember when I hit that stage...it took me months! You've come so far and of course you're still raw inside, but you will heal. And...she WILL wake up, but it has to just happen...it's the only way.

At this point, the only thing I can say right now for you is stay busy. I remember the worst time for me was when I laid down at night to go to sleep. My mind would race for hours and hours! I was slowly thinking myself to death. So, what I did was I just kept busy doing so many things...I took on another job, started quilting again, started singing/writing music again, played billiards (love it <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />), and just kept BUSY. I did this DAILY and when I was ready to just drop from exhaustion is when I laid my head down to go to sleep. Too much time to think offered too many wounds to my heart. So, right now, in this particular junction, sit back, let it unfold, and STAY BUSY.

I hope your day is going well, and I look forward to hearing from you again soon. After I post this, you should get an email from me.

Take care,
Kor

""So fine, its my fault. I don't care anymore""

But she just dosint now it right no but she will care

Cymanca, I've posted this before I'll give you a brief lowdown of what happened. After my WW called me many times over the period of a week I finally returned her call. We talked for a while. She said she had been trying to contact me to go to lunch and return to MC. "But", she said, "Its too late". She said I had moved on without her, she broke down and hung up. I went to her apartment that night out of concern and curiosity and the OM was there. I shook his hand, introduced myself, brief small talk and asked if my WW was home. She came into the room. She was livid that I had seen her with him. The exact comment was this, "Now you just show up at my home and purposefully HUMILIATE me.? You belittled and demeaned me, made me feel small, childlike, and so very invaded."

I don't know what to make of it other than, I shouldn't have gone. In a way I'm glad it happened. She HAS been living a secret fantasy life, and now its been seen.

Peter

Actually Cymanca,

In addition to the last post I made, here is what I make of that comment. I think she felt exposed. I think she felt like her secret was out. I think that reality collided head on with fantasy... almost literally. I wonder if humiliated may be a euphamism for ashamed. I ask my self why she didn't feel relief that I'd seen she's moved on, pleasure that I saw how much better her life is now or even indifference because after all, she "has no feelings for me anymore."

Cymanca, you ask really good questions.