Here is the background. My wife of 7 years and 2 kids (6,3) has informed me she is in love with her boss. She says that she has tried to connect with me for 7 years and does not have any more fight left in her. She started to confide with her boss only after he confidded in her about his troubled marriage. Since they both had problems, their friendship grew and they both say they are in Love with each other. I only found out about him because of a text message that I found, she has been keeping him a secret for 7 months. They both say that the only physical connection they had was kissing and that is why they believe it is true love, because of the lack of sex. Anyway, I admit that I have not been there for my wife emotionally. Mostly because I did not understand or take the time to understand her problems. I do love my wife with all my heart and while I was making sure my family was taken care of financially, I let the other feelings get pushed behind my work. From time to time she would confront me and tell me that she did not feel connected and that was why our sex life was struggling, again, I worked so much that I felt everything would work itself out. I attend school full time, work all hours of the night (60 plus) and take care of our kids when daycare is not avail. or she is working. I have based my whole schedule around her work and she does not see that. She also hates the fact that I did not try for 7 years and now because I want to try and fix our marriage, it is not fair to her to try now.
We have attended 1 marriage counseling session and it only brought out the ugly hate again. Our next session is scheduled seperately for further evaluation. I have a few questions that I hope someone can give me insight or ideas on:

1. My wife says that what if after all the counseling and time she still feels that "it is not enough"? (It being the love she feels for me)

2. How can I help her unlove the man that she fell in love with emotionally....legally!

3. Ehen do I throw in the towel and admit to myself that it is truly over?

Handyman,
I'm sorry that these circumstances have brought you here! Learning that your wife has been unfaithful can be the most painful and heartwrenching experience in our lives. You are not alone... many of us (myself included) are here and have unfaithful wives... but we all have one thing in common... we are fighting for our marriages. Many "experts" will be able to chime in soon and offer sound advice for fighting for your marriage... I'm relatively new and am mostly "receiving" advice... but let me tell you one thing for certain.... your WW (wayward wife) and OM (other man) are in trouble at work, because the first order of business for you will be to expose the affair to the boss' boss... this process is called EXPOSURE and is the single most important step to ending the affair between your WW and the OM, because until the affair ends, there is really nothing you can do (marriage counseling is a waste, talking is a waste, promises mean nothing). A few things to do in the meantime: read about affairs on this website and especially learn/read about PLAN A. This is what you need to learn about and start doing immediately! Another thing.... it may seem strange but just about ALL WW's follow similar patterns of thinking, behaviors, and communications. Because of this, there is a recipe that seems to work best in these circumstances and many of the folks on this board are quite familiar with the process necessary to survive this affair. Best of luck... I will keep checking in.

As for your question:
1. Ignore this stuff. Your wife is acting like an abducted alien. Nothing you do will be enough while she is in an affair... it is an addiction! Don't expect any rational thought to come out of her....
2. The love that your WW feels for the OM is based heavily on the secrecy and romanticism/fantasy of the A (affair). When exposed to the light of day, it usually doesn't last very long....
3. You never throw in the towel unless you don't want to be married to your wife anymore. I've been advised that until divorce papers are signed, you're still in it....

In the meantime, stay strong, see your doctor for anti-depressants, you will need them to stay mentally strong, alert, and focused. These next few months will teach you more about yourself than you have ever learned... your character and strength will be tested like never before and the only person you will be able to count on is yourself. We here at MB (marriage builders) will be here for you to answer your questions and give you advice. Good luck, it's not over by a longshot! (if you want to see my story so far, it's listed under "Heartsore's Story:"
Your friend,
Heartsore

Welcome!!! The first thing to do is to tell the boss's wife that she has a "troubled" marriage and that her husband is having an affair. She probably has no idea.

Once the affair is exposed, it will probably end, and then you will have a chance at your relationship again.

Heartsore,

Thanks for the advise. She has agreed to cut all ties off with the OM and I have exposed it to his boss. His boss is one of my customers/frineds. Since they work for the govt as civilians, they are free to date, but if they pursue it further, the OM will have to quit his job and he said he is ready and willing if needed. I just dont know what to do and what to think. When we talk, my wife says that she does not know how to unlove him and she does not know what she will do if their paths cross. He has agreed to avoid her at all costs, but do I wait until that bridge is met? Mentally, I am fine. I had the seven years of bad emotions my wife had run through me in 36 hours....but I am still here! I dont know if I am a glutten for punishment or what. What is my next step?? Wait? I am reading Plan A now!

Believer....He is currently going through a divorce. The OM was married for 14 years and they now have a 1 yr old son...I really dont think he cares!

We hear that a lot. Tell the wife. She may not know what is going on. Usually they go back to their spouse.

I promise you that the affair WILL end, it just takes time.
Exposing will help hasten that. Have you exposed to her parents and friends?

Chin upp handyman... remember it will usually get worse, much worse before it gets better. We will be here to talk you through it all!
HS

HM,

Hello, and welcome to the forums. I'm sorry to hear about the situation that brought you here.

I know you've been reading about plan A, but I'd also suggest both of Dr. Harley's books as well.
Surviving the Affair (SAA)
His Needs, Her Needs (HNHN)

In HNHN it talks about how a person will fall/stay in love with the person that meets their needs.

If your W is willing I'd suggest doing the Emotional needs questionaire (found in the forms section on this site) together. Once you know what her 10 most important emotional needs are you can start learning how to meet them.

She may not respond the way you'd like while she's in the affair 'fog' but it would be a good start on plan A for both of you.

Keep posting and asking questions...there's a wealth of good solid advice here. Take what you like, and leave the rest.

All the best to you!
B.

Handyman--

Welcome to the MB Forum. I, like you and others here, have a wife who has been unfaithful to the vows we made to each other. My wife and I are in the middle of recovery -- we're just starting on real recovery and not on totally solid ground yet.

A few things you need to remember -- I urge you to understand these points because you'll try and rationalize or talk yourself out of them throughout this ordeal:

1. The affair was your wife's decision. Period. You may have some culpability in contributing to a poor marital environment, but you did nothing that MADE her fall in love with her boss or kiss him. Therefore, you can not MAKE her fall out of love with her boss. This is, unfortunately, her decision. As I understand it, one of the goals of Plan A is to demonstrate that there is a loving, caring environment in which she can land once she releases the affair. That's not to say it won't be a rough landing -- she has (or will have) a lot of guilt and pain of her own.

2. The difference between kissing and sex is that different bodily fluids are exchanged. OK, that was a bit graphic, but the point is they are both inappropriate physical interaction and only different by a few degrees. Don't minimize the "intensity" of the affair just because it was "kissing". The emotional bond is the stronger for a woman.

3. She is addicted and in withdrawal may say things to intentionally hurt you to knock you off balance and prevent you from pursuing uncomfortable topics or details. Stay on your game and know where these hurtful comments are coming from. They're not from the woman you married, but from a woman going through withdrawal. I almost guarantee you that if your marriage survives she will look back at some of the things she said and have a tremendous load of shame and guilt. You need to let this stuff go and know how to identify it.

In recovery from an affair there are times when you think things can't get worse . . . and then they do. It's a time that has moments of intense pain and agony mixed with true breakthroughs and joy. They don't call it a roller coaster for nothing.

One more thing. . .I found that I started making my best progress in honesty with my wife during recovery once I accepted the reality that our marriage may end in a divorce. That's not saying that I was scoping our apartments or contacting lawyers or not trying my hardest to save our marriage, but consciously accepting the fact that it is a possible outcome freed me to think clearly and not be as quick to compromise the truth or the needed action in order to not offend my wife. You have to be the judge in your situation.

I wish you and your family the best. Stand up straight, fight for you wife, let her know how important she and your family are to you.

Thank you evryone for your input. I feel all those feelings you speak of from despair, guilt to hope! Can anyone tell me (honestly) if I have a chance to save our marriage??
I now realize what kind of person I was before and I will not make excuses. I was running a million miles per hour and never stopped to enjoy the scene. I have since changed from reducing my work hours to spending every minute I can with my family. My wife sees it as temporary..I see it as a life change. Anyway, I would like any support (for or against) that is avail. Also I have one more question...Since she has agreed to cut the affair off, do I dare contact the wife of her boss since they are already seperated and going through the divorce proceedings??

Handyman--

Are you sure her boss (the OM) is going through a divorce? I only ask this because if it is something he told your wife, it may have been a lie to get her to feel better about the affair. If you don't have it, I encourage you to get independent verification of this (I think you said his boss was a friend of yours).

It sounds like a lot of years and tears have built up between you.

The only thing that will change this is demonstrated effort to change over time.

Have you taken time to make your own personal list of ways in which you contributed to your marriage troubles? Not writing down what your wife dictates, but listing what you think you have done. Don't hold back -- be honest -- it may hurt. Do this and take it to your wife. Let her read the list and ask for her input. It will be painful as she (probably) expounds on actions and incidents.

Here's the value: you have to demonstrate to her that you are willing to own your share of the marital troubles. You can't use her feedback as a springboard to point out her problems or troubles. Let her vent. Don't defend your response or reaction to this situation or that one -- just listen. You may cry -- she may cry -- don't stifle the emotions. It may take a couple of times.

THIS IS IMPORTANT: At not time during this should you ever give in to the temptation to say "I understand why you had an affair." The affair is inexcusable and wrong. No action on your part justified it.

I believe a demonstration of your acknowledgement that you have not been the husband/father you should have been is important to healing. She may be feeling (it sounds like) a lot of guilt and it's easier to blame you and build a wall then face the guilt and pain she's caused you.

If you are not actively involved in individual counseling and marriage counseling, I encourage you to get there soon.

I also encourage you to seek the counsel of some of the wiser and more experienced on these boards. I'm just relating to you things that have helped in my troubled marriage.

Best wishes.

Artor,

Thank you for the valuable input. I will set down tonight and list my contributing problems to our marriage. I know the list will be long, but it will give me the boost I need to change myself to make me a better dad and husband if god is willing. As for the OM and his divorce, I am positive about it because he has seperated from his wife and is living in his camper somewhere near his work. The part that I dont know is if his wife knows of his affair with my wife. I want to call her but I do not want to cause that kind of pain for her. This is the dillema that I am faced with. my WW and the OM have both said they will not contact each other or anything else until we have figured out which way our marriage will go. I obviously want to salvage it while my wife is looking for self closure...She says she will try but she does not know how to get the feelings for me that she has withthe OM. Since the 1 ton weight got dropped on my head, I have made it my lifs's goal to change from the person I was before to the person I want to be. I have taken a long hard look at myself and I dont like what I saw. I am now making the changes necessary to everything to happen and my wife thinks that I am only making temporary changes...Time will tell! I want to thank all of you for your support, being able to share with all of you that have something in common is the best therapy I can think of, plus I get to have the opionion of someone that knows nothing about me...which I can only assume to be their honest opinion. Thank you again.

P.S. I look forward to all of your replies throughout the day. Thank you again!

I urge you to tell the wife. Something is happening to her marriage that she knows nothing about.

Realize that YOU won't be causing the pain for his wife...HE is, by having the affair.

You didn't cheat on her...he did.
You didn't lie to her...he did.

All YOU are doing is giving the information she needs to know about her H and her marriage to TRULY understand what's going on. Even if they ARE getting a D, she might not know that the affair is likely the biggest cause of it...and might decide to fight to keep him if she learns this.

Not to mention having someone who can keep an eye on him and work to keep him clear of your wife is a very desireable outcome for you...or that you would want to find out from her if she would have learned of it first.

hm, the others are right, the Other man's wife needs to be told ASAP. I would suggest that you not forewarn your W, but that you call her and give her all the facts. If your W refuses to end her affair [this means ending ALL contact] I would also expose to her parents, siblings, close friends and Human Resources.

Secondly, your W will not withdraw from the OM until all contact ends. The affair has really NOT ENDED as long as she goes to work with him every day. Your marriage will never recover until contact ends and she withdraws. I would make it clear to her that she will need to find another job if your marriage is to make it.

Thank youall for your advise. I would ask her to leave her job, but that would mean we will have to move and that is not an option right now, we just bought a new home that we can barely afford. As for the work relationship, since they are civilians working for the military, they can date, have a relationship as long as it stays out of the work center. Once they commit to marriage, then the rules change and the OM has to quit. I have check into this and so has the OM. I find it so hard wanting to fix things and my W wants to wait and see how things progress, but she does not see us as a couple in the future. She has said that several times. Am I doomed? Am I wishing on a star or for some miracle? This is soooo frustrating and emotional, I can hardly keep it together. If I contact the OMW, I am sure to kill any chance or resurrecting my marriage, I think! This weekend, we are all going to the lake for some time away but my W has to come back early for work on Monday and I have one question...Do I set up surveillance at my house to see what time and when she is home and then question her about it to see if she lies, or so I trust her and let it go? I currently have all the equipment and it will not be a problem to set it up without her noticing. What is the verdict?

Set it up. She will most likely lie. Also she will have NO feelings for you as long as the OM is in the picture.

You need to decide if you value your marriage enough to be determined to insist she transfer or take a leave of absence right away. In three years, I've only known one couple save their marriage where there was still contact.

hm, you have this backwards, if you DON'T tell the OMW, you have very little chance. If you aren't going to do anything we tell you to save your marriage, you aren't going to have a marriage. And helping her hide her affair is helping to KILL your marriage. Affairs thrive on secrecy, so helping keep the secret is to contribute to your own demise.

Exposure is simply the most potent weapon you have against the affair. Not to mention the fact that the OMW has to be told so she can protect herself and her children from your W and her H.




Well no, you shouldn't trust her, she is untrustworthy. I would set up the surveillance and see what she is doing. That way you won't have to question her. Questioning her is a waste of time. Much better to find out on your own and then just TELL HER you know the truth. I suspect she is coming back early to rendevous with her boyfriend.

HM,

As others have already said, exposure is your ally. Will your W be angry? Oh, yeah! Will she scream and raise h3ll? You bet she will. A WS while lost in fog only has one goal, to continue the affair and get their “fix”…Exposure bunches a hole in the fantasy balloon and the air starts to leak out. The reason for the exposure is pressure. Since she’s not listening to anything you have to say right now, have everyone else say it. In our civilization, cheating and lying are considered wrong by (nearly) everyone (sociopaths excepted). In a biblical world view, adultery is against one of the ten most important laws. Anyone who’s ever been cheated can testify to it being wrong and a bad thing.

A WS in fog just doesn’t get that, because they have rewritten the history of their marriage to try to justify their actions. They have tried to resolve the moral conflict of doing what they know to be wrong by readjusting their moral code in a way that makes it acceptable. Thus the partners in an A complain to each other about their marriages, how awful the BSs are and how misunderstood they’ve always felt. They get high on the lies they tell each other and feed each other’s lies with their own.

But (nearly) everyone else around them knows that an A is wrong! So exposure creates pressure from other people, not just the BS. When the A can no longer hide in darkness, but must constantly be flooded in the light of reality, the fantasy wears thin rather quickly. Faced with losing a job of many years, not many men would give it up for a fantasy. And when Mom, Dad, Sis, Brother, Aunt and cousins by the dozens begin to harp about the illicit R, the fun wears off in a hurry. And if you can get OM’s family to do the same on his end … taps for the A.

Short version…expose to anyone who may be able to help. Do NOT tell WW that you are going to do it; it isn’t a threat, it’s an action that must be taken. Telling her allows her to tell him and he tells everyone involved that may be able to help you that you are a nut case and need to be protected from yourself. Do not threaten to expose. EXPOSE!

Will she be ready to fight…no doubt about it. But conflict is one step closer to intimacy than withdrawal. If you can lure her into conflict, you have won a battle (but only one of many to follow).

Keep reading and posting. You will feel like you are on a mountain top in the morning and by noon feel like you are in the depths of the sea. It isn’t just you. We’ve all been there, done that and got the tee shirts to prove it. Vent here so that you can keep a clear head with your W. Prove to her that you are the greatest man she could ever hope to have. Pressure the A by exposing it and don’t let her fog talk get to you; it isn’t really her, it’s the aliens that abducted her that are talking like that.

And prayer can’t hurt either.

Good luck!

HandyMan,
You are getting excellent advice. Here. The time is now. EXPOSE. No warning. This can't be a threat. You need to start fighting for your marriage and this means you have to declare war against this affair! Think of your WW and the OM as a couple of vampires.... now shine the daylight on them!!!!!!!!!!!
Heartsore