This morning was bad for Messdup (my husband) and me. I’m sure it was because I overreacted to something he said, but this is the third time it’s happened in the past couple months and I can’t seem to form a different perspective. Can someone help?

The issue is my weight. I have a chronic illness; the past few months my disease has been active and I have struggled to keep weight on. I’m 5’3’’ and weigh 103 right now; the ideal weight for my height and bone structure is 110-115. I’m 37 years old and have two children.

This morning I told Messdup that some of my friends have noticed that I lost weight and they were concerned about my health. Messdup responded that he thought I looked great, since I now weigh the same as when he met me (when I was 17 years old).

I got mad and walked away from him. He was confused because he thought he gave me a compliment. I told him (not very nicely) that his opinion of “looking great” was unrealistic for a middle-aged mother of two.

The underlying problem here for me is not really my weight, but the feeling that I’m being compared to the women shown in internet porn. I feel like he prefers me to be 103 pounds, which to me is “sick” weight or “teenage girl” weight.

Messdup has had a problem with porn in the past, but he’s fighting it now and we’re working on our marriage. When I react this way to a seemingly innocent compliment from him, I feel like I set our recovery back two steps.

Can anyone help me think about this differently? I keep doing this. Thanks everyone.

0908...,

So you find yourself "reacting" defensively rather than "acting" in the best interest of your marriage....and you're right...they take a different mindset. What if you assumed the best, rather than the worst....what would your response have been then?

090886,

Have you thought about bringing him to your next doctor's appointment with you? Maybe it will put things in perspective to see you being treated for the illness. Just a thought...

Thanks Peter-
Yes, he's been there with me. In fact he's seen more than I have (I've been unconscious during the procedures). He knows how sick I am.

Thanks also starfish-
I will try, but I have "red flag" syndrome. When my flags go up, there is usually a reason. These flags uncovered his affairs, so I hate to throw them out. They served me well in the past. But they are going up too often and I need to calm them down.

I knew I was "reacting" this morning, so I walked away to regain my composure. He followed me and wanted to talk about it, but I made it worse. I threw the porn problem in his face. I'm so sensitive about that. If I give myself enough time, I can "choose" a different response, but it does take several hours (sometimes a day) for me to calm down. How do I keep from reacting in the moment?

Thanks everyone.

I would never want you to "ignore" red flags....but just because he complimented you on your weight....a weight that you say is similar to what you weighed when he fell in love with you....does NOT necessarily mean that he wants you to look like a porn star. That's a pretty disrespectful judgement donchathink? If you're wondering or worried that's what he's thinking....then explore that in a respectful way. Ask a question. "H, do you think your view about my weight is in any way connected to images that promote unhealthy weight in women? Do you think my current weight is "healthy" or just attractive because of how our society views female weight?"

would you have been happier if he said you didn't look good??? sounds like your H was just paying you a compliment. I have been hard on him for his immature way of handling things... but this one is on you. Lighten up a bit.

09,
My H and I are dealing with a similar issue. There are still some behaviors of his that I believe are behaviors that are part of the reason he was able to have an EA. They can be loosley defined as throwing me overboard--usually in social situations. Anyway, when he does something where I feel thrown overboard, I tend to get upset. When I get upset like this, he tends to get his old jock game going and uses a very disrespectful tone of voice to me-a voice like I am an opponent who must be verbally conquored or beaten.

We are trying to establish a pattern of behavior where we can both de-escalate.

I have told him that there comes a point in these situations where I tend to lose it and yell. I REALLY do not want to yell--I hate that.

So, when I know I am at that point. I have told him that I will need to remain silent. Hopefully, this will be a cue to him to use a caring tone of voice, not that jock tone of voice. We hope that we can use my silence as a message of "help me, I am over the edge with emotion here", rather than a message of "I am so angry at you and value you so little that I am not going to speak to you"

I don't know how this will work yet.

Last time this happened and I did yell at him, I said some mean things about his EA that related to the jock type aggressive line of talk he was giving me. As soon as I did this, he came out of that mean, cold jock type tone of voice and used the H normal or caring, honest tone of voice. I really noticed the difference and had never been able to put my finger on that whole tone of voice and attitude thing as clearly as I did at that moment. He was aware of it also when I pointed it out to him. So I am hoping that I do not get my emotions revved up to the point where I want to yell and I hope he can keep in touch with that aggressive thing he does. But if we mess up, he is already aware that I will go silent if I feel I am going to yell. He knows that I don't want to yell and he really wants to support me in this. So hopefully, we will both be able to back down and re-group.
Lake

MEDC, I don't look good! I'm sick. That's the point.



I know, that's why I posted the question.



I want to, but how?

Hi star-



OK, I'll try this approach! Thanks <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

women put men in a ridiculous place sometimes. "does this dress make me look fat?" now imagine if the answer camoe out honestly all the time... "no honey, the 20 pounds you put on take care of that..." your H heard you being bothered about your weight and paid you a compliment.... and maybe, just maybe, he meant it... or was trying to make you feel better.... but there was no harm in what he said. it's also possible that he really doesn't have the same perception of your body/weight right now. This is your issue and yours alone. How do you deal with it.... you just hear what he said, clarify where needed in a nice fashion... and then drop it.

Thanks Lake- I will try this also. I always come around to my senses when given enough time.

I hope it works for you too! Best of luck to you and your husband.

medc.....hehehehe....I'm going to tease ya a bit here....but once you have stretch marks and sagging breasts, then you can tell women how they ought to feel when their husbands are looking at 18 year olds on the Internet!!

All kidding aside.....I agree with you that 0908 is over-reacting....HECK! SHE agrees with you! LOL

If you were her husband.....what would a good way for her to discuss her fears with you?

teasing right back at you....
when you've had to deal with a scowl on the face of a woman as she looks in the mirror, aghast at ther own reflection... no matter her beauty... and know that unless you can find a way to get out of there before any of the 'questions" come... you are in big trouble... and my experience is that can come at 18 or 45... it's crazy time and there is no escape!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
and BTW... I'm 43 and I think women in their late 30's-40's are more beautiful than the younger ones! Hey... that's just me.. but there's something to be said for maturity.

hahahahahah.....so are you really saying my butt DOES look big????

Seriously....can you give a male perspective on what might work in this situation. Your input is really valuable here!

the only thing that would work would be for her to speak to him honestly. "Thanks for the compliment... but I feel that at 103# that I don't look or feel my best. I feel better at 115#."
Really ,what else could the poor guy say when his W was bothered... he said what he should have at the moment... that he found his W beautiful.
Now, if I am missing something here and he has made neagtive comments to her about her weight when she was at her more healthy 115# then I can understand her concerns. But if he hasn't, it really is just a matter of her not reading something negative into the compliment.

Hi 9,


How long ago did you discover his porn problem and how long has he been sober? It takes alot of time before everyone gets a more even-keeled thought pattern after after getting out of the porn habit/problem. If you two are less than two years out, you are probably still a little hyper-sensitive and he's still probably has some unrealistic ideals in his head. There's no getting around it, it just takes time for the new 'normal' to take hold.

And I agree, I'd be very upset if my H thought I looked great when I was at my sickest. It'd be very demoralizing to think that he's most visually satisfied with me at a weight I cannot realistically maintain w/o serious illness. I am sorry. I hope you are feeling better soon! Please take care - Dru

090886,

Ok, you know the response was not a good one. You also know his comment had NOTHING to do with porn. You also know that it was your own internal dialogue that is driving this.

So the question I have is what is your PLAN??

If you are concerned about your weight, start with "Honey, I am concerned with my weight and the direction it is going." That indicates that although you might look healthy to him, the changes are NOT in the right direction.

Further, you must understand that your H very likely still sees you as attractive. I was going to say "as you were when you first married", but upon reflection that is not right. There is a saying that men marry women expecting that they will never change, and women marry men expecting to change them. I love this saying because it has an element of truth to it.

But, the element of truth from a male perspective is more subtle than you perhaps realize. He saw you as attractive when he married you and he still sees you attractive as you are now. If he loves you he will ALWAYS see you as attractive. I can speak with some experience on this matter. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

There is something else you need to understand about porn. It is not really the images that attract most men. Yes, if the woman is physically a freak he will note that. But, for most men it is the "attitude". You say "attitude?" Well consider what type of woman might pose for those pictures and what they are trying to convey. It is an attitude of WANTING sex, and by transference wanting the man looking at the picture. All men are turned on by an enthusiastic partner, real or imagined.

If you two actually talked for a long time it is very possible that what he sees is NOT the picture but YOU. It is the illusion of being desired, and it is an illusion, that attracts many men. It is true of strip joints as well.

My point????? Well, understand that it is very likely that your H loves you. It is also very likely true that he wants you to understand that he does. If you took that point of view, you just might be surprised how you will influence him and how rarely you would be in the situation you are now in.

I am thinking it is time for you to talk to him about your fears. Perhaps ask him to understand your uncertainty, and perhaps you can understand his.

Men laugh at the "do I look fat in these jeans" comments because we all have heard a variation of that comment and we KNOW we cannot win. If you put him in win situations, you might be surprised how how often he does win. He needs to do the same for you. What would be a "win" situation for you? Tell him, talk with him.

Please think about this.

God Bless,

JL

Hi Dru-

We are definitely less than 2 years out, and I don't think he is "sober" now but he's not using as much as he used to. I am also only a few weeks past discovery of his physical affairs, so I am a bit sensitive. The porn problem has been an issue for our entire marriage (15 years); we've tried working on it for the past couple years and I do think we are making progress. But I keep freaking out about comments like this, so I need a "plan" to deal with them better. Thanks so much for your kind words Drucilla. I do appreciate the fact that you understand my reaction.

Thankyou for your insight about porn and men. THAT actually makes alot of sense to me.

Hi again Just Learning- I'm honored that you took the time to respond to my post. You've told me something similar before, and I have been trying your advice but I'm not very good at it.

You are right- my husband definitely likes it when I am enthusiastic with him. Sometimes I can muster the energy, and we have fun. But I have to admit- more often than not I am sad, sick, lonely, and without hope. I most definitely lack confidence. I still wonder if he prefers to be with OW #1 after all these years. It is a complicated problem, and it lies within me. My attitude may ruin us eventually, but I hope I can change.

I absolutely have talked to him about my fears. Hopefully he will have time to post here to give his perspective. It's just hard for me to see that he loves me and desires me, when he had turned away from me for so long. It's hard for me to reverse 16 years of feeling unloved and unattractive. I am trying, but it's not a switch I can flip off. I've asked my husband to help me; luckily he is a patient and optimistic man <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

My plan has been:
1) honesty with my husband when I'm having problems
2) individual and marriage counseling
3) develop a full well-rounded life
4) nurture my friendships (female!!)
5) read a lot at this website, and post when I feel stuck

I don't have a specific plan to deal with my husband's comments that trigger me to think about his porn issue. I did try to walk away until I could "talk myself down" but he keeps following me. I will try next to intellectualize the comment as starfish suggested, by asking questions to clarify his comment. If that doesn't work I will try Lake's suggestion which was to explain that I need to be quiet right now, and I'll talk to him later about it when I'm calmer.

Thank you again JL. I wish I could have the confidence to follow your advice more effectively.