I would love some feed back on my Plan B. Letter. Some details from my previous post are here: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...e=0#Post3091956

My letter follows.

My dearest W,

I am so terribly sorry for my part in creating the environment which helped make your affair with OM possible. I foolishly let small things stand in the way of providing you with your deepest emotional needs, particularly affection and sexual fulfillment. I love you so much and have been working very hard to overcome those obstacles. The excitement of knowing its possible is a powerful driving force. I would like nothing more than to create a new and better life with you and achieve all of the dreams I know we both so desperately wanted.

W, I have always loved you deeply. The changes I’m talking about are permanent and with guidance from a councilor, I think you will see that. I have learned so much since you’ve left and would like to share all of this with you.

Your on-going affair with OM has become an obstacle to our reconciliation. While I have tried to express tolerance while it runs its course, the pain has become too unbearable to expose myself to any longer. It is too painful to see you have an emotional connection with someone else. I have learned that the unreasonable blame you place on me and unfair judgment of my emotional state is not only wrong, but destructive to my well being. Right now I need to work on my health and nurture Daughter through this transition.

I’m writing you this letter to inform you that I will no longer communicate with you directly in any way whatsoever. I have disconnected my answering machine, I will delete your voicemail unheard, and delete texts and email without reading them. I have made arrangements with my mother to be a go between for us from now on. Her number is -------, her cell phone is --------. She has enthusiastically agreed and casts no judgment or taken either side as she is aware of everything. When our divorce papers come in, we will communicate through her to arrange an appropriate day for signing. I will arrive at the courthouse after you’ve left to sign on my own.

W, I want us to find a path back. But in order for this to happen you must do several things:

- You must end the affair with OM completely.
- You must make a sincere, remorseful apology to me and assume accountability for what you’ve done.
- You must take time to recover from the addiction and grieve the loss.
- You must return to counseling with me to explain why this happened and to teach me how to fulfill your emotional needs.
- You must be willing to accept ‘extraordinary’ measures to help ensure me the affair has ended.

I have utmost confidence that MC can help us, but is up you to realize that it can happen. I want nothing more than to bring this family back together and grow closer, more loving and happier than either of us ever thought possible. The beauty of this process is that we CANNOT return to things the way they were.

This is very hard for me, and I know using a third party to communicate will be hard for you, but my own emotional well being demands it. You should also know that I have sent the following text message to OM: “OM, I love my wife very much, her step-daughter misses her too. I will do anything I can to repair our marriage. I am waiting for her to realize this and to give me a chance to make it work.”

I love you W, I hope someday you can see what we’ve lost.

Peter.

Peter,

I don't know enough about your situation to advise you on the PBL....can you give a recap?....especially a timeline for discovery and Plan A.

Sure star, here are two threads that have pretty much all my information...

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...;gonew=1#UNREAD

I was asked to move it to GQII, here is the rest...

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...e=0#Post3091956

thanks, I've already made a couple changes based on information from the PlanA/B board.

Aw shucks.....I was hoping for the abbreviated version LOL.....okay.....off I go to do my homework. I have to run out for a while though....so give me a little bit okay?

But assuming it's time for Plan B....this is one the BEST PBLs I've EVER read. With one small exception.....and it's an important one: NO TALK about divorce in the PBL. Do not make any arrangements or facilitate the signing in any way. If she wants a divorce....let her sweat the details. And if she wants a divorce....let her ATTORNEY not your mother handle that aspect of it.

Ok, here is a revised Plan B letter. I really hope I don't have to use this thing but it seems like things are moving in that direction. Any comments would be greatly appreciated.

My Dearest W,

I am so terribly sorry for my part in creating the environment which helped make your affair with OM possible. I foolishly let small things stand in the way of providing you with your deepest emotional needs, particularly affection and sexual fulfillment. I love you so much and have been working very hard to overcome those obstacles. The excitement of knowing its possible is a powerful driving force. I would like nothing more than to create a new and better life with you and achieve all of the dreams I know we both so desperately wanted.

W, I have always loved you deeply. The changes I’m talking about are permanent and with guidance from a councilor, I think you will see that. I have learned so much since you’ve left and would like to share all of this with you. I want very much to stay married to you.

Your on-going affair with OM has become an obstacle to our reconciliation. While I have tried to express tolerance while it runs its course, the pain has become too unbearable to expose myself to any longer. It is too painful to see you have an emotional connection with someone else. Unfortunately, it is eroding the loving feelings I have for you and I am determined to not let this happen. I have learned that the unreasonable blame you place on me and unfair judgment of my emotional state is not only wrong, but destructive to my well being. Right now I need to work on my health and nurture (her step-daughter) through this transition.

I’m writing you this letter to inform you that I will no longer communicate with you directly in any way whatsoever. I have disconnected my answering machine, I will delete your voicemail unheard, and delete texts and email without reading them. I have made arrangements with my mother to be a go between for us from now on. Her number is ------, her cell phone is ------. She has enthusiastically agreed and casts no judgment or taken either side as she is aware of everything. There will be no exceptions.

W, I want us to find a path back. But in order for this to happen you must do several things:

- You must end the affair with OM completely.
- You must make a sincere, remorseful apology to me and assume accountability for what you’ve done.
- You must take time to recover from the addiction and grieve the loss.
- You must return to counseling with me to explain why this happened and to teach me how to fulfill your emotional needs.
- You must be willing to accept ‘extraordinary’ measures to help reassure me the affair has ended.
- You must break contact permanently with other friendships you developed during the affair.
- You must never return to the gym where you met him or any place you know he frequents.

I know this is going to be hard for you but I am willing to do whatever it takes to help you in the process. I have utmost confidence that MC can help us, but is up you to realize that it can happen. I want nothing more than to bring this family back together and grow closer, more loving and happier than either of us ever thought possible. The beauty of this process is that we CANNOT return to things the way they were.

This is very hard for me, and I know using a third party to communicate will be hard for you, but my own emotional well being demands it. You should also know that I have sent the following text message to OM: “OM, I love my wife very much, her step-daughter misses her too. I will do anything I can to repair our marriage. I am waiting for her to realize what we’ve lost and to give me a chance to make it work.”

I love you W and I want to remain your husband, I hope someday you can see what we’ve lost.

Peter.

Peter,

I just finished reading your other posts....wow...what a story! And you are one cool dude.....your wife is a fool....she also sounds like she isn't sure about this divorce. So answer some questions for me:

Is she living with the OM?

What made you think "dating" was a good idea for you right now?

Have you stopped seeing Lacey?

Starfish,

I don't know much about the OM. I see a lot of us tend to bash the OP and insist what a mistake our WS's have made. In truth she has complained to me about some of his character flaws but having met him just one time, my impression was that he was actually a very nice person... and cute (dammit).

As far as them living together I know the situation was this, he lives with 2 roommates. I don't know if he has moved in with her or not. I always assumed she would have asked him to by now. So my answer is, I don't know.

I started dating because every self help book I ever read said I should. To be honest, I had the most incredible time this summer but my WW was always the missing piece. She missed out on so much.

Yes I have stopped seeing Lacey. With honesty and empathy I told her I did care about her but I was still in love with my wife and could not shake the feeling. I said it was not fair to drag her down into what could end up as a co-depenndant situation with me in my emotional state. She was hurt and wanted to remain just friends. I went on one date with her since then and it was with a group of people. We didn't so much as hug good-bye. I have not talked to her in a week.

Peter,

I'm not a OP basher....or a basher of anyone....so my questions are about understanding your situation so that I can best help you apply the MB program.

I'm not sure what books you've been reading that tell you "dating" while still married is a good idea....especially if you still want to save your marriage.....but I'm glad you're here now....because I think that is the biggest mistake you made in this whole thing. I personally think you should end all contact with Lacey....no group dates, no friendship....complete with no contact letter and all!

Until you divorce....you are a married man....and it's ridiculous to expect your wife to adhere to standards you aren't sticking to yourself. You can't ask her to end her affair.....while you're dating....surely you can see the problem in that, right?

So....before you go into Plan B....you need to clean your own house first.

Done. I have no problem with that and you are absolutely right. In fact, I really need to start working on "annoying habits" as well. Tommorow morning I'm going back on the patch to quit smoking. A source of many arguments.

Good.....I think the normal no contact letter can be adapted to fit your situation, and remember this is not "a let Lacey down easy letter....so that if things don't work out with my wife, she'll be waiting"....this is a "we can NEVER see eachother again letter because it was unscrupulous of me to date you". Please let your wife know that you have no intention of dating, don't want a divorce, and that you'd like her to end her relationship with OM and join you in working on the marriage. You want to go into Plan B giving your wife the best impression about you and make the marriage a much better alternative to the affair or divorce. So get all your ducks in a row....and save that letter....it's a keeper.

Every now and then.....folks have used a Plan A letter. There is no form for it, but in your case....I think it might be a good idea. It would give you a chance to let her know the above things.....and that while you aren't begging, pleading or pining away....that you've ended all other relationships, are working on the things you think contributed to the incompatibility....and would like to give the marriage one last ditch effort before the divorce.

Please post about your progress.

I didn't realize there were samples of such a letter so I just winged it. Is this clear enough?


Lacey,

I'm sorry to have to write you this letter. About a month ago I told you it was too hard to keep seeing you because I was still in love with my wife. The truth is, I remain loving her and I don't want to do anything that will change that feeling.

Krista and I have talked, and we will be going to see a different and much more intense marital counsellor together. I have come to realize that as much pain as her affair has caused me, my relationship with you has caused her pain too. She has never said it, but I sense its true. In some ways, it can even be considered an affair of its own accord. It pains me to think that I have hurt her. If the session goes well I am going to ask her to begin her seperation from Kevin so that we can enter a period of recovery. It will be long and arduous and I will not ask her to do something that I am not willing to do myself.

You are a wonderful person and have showed me such kindness when I needed it the most. I feel awful and only wish the best for you. I know that this letter will mean there can never be a future for us. I hope somehow you can understand that it is a chance I'm willing to take. I promised her for better or worse and so I must stand here for the worse and let her find her way back to me.

Please respect my request that there can be no contact between us in any way. You have taught me so much and I am ever grateful for your patience and advice. I am so sorry for hurting you like this. Somehow I think you saw this was going to happen though.

Sincerely,
Peter

Peter,

I'm sure that you'll probably think the MB revision of this letter is "cold", but the truth is that it needs to be more of a "business" letter so that she knows you mean "business". It will hurt her, and if that didn't bother you on some level, I'd think less of you. However, the goal is to prevent her from holding out any hope and complicating an already awful situation....and to truly end contact. You were never emotionally available to her anyway....and that's just one of the many reasons why this was unfair.

So here is my revision....tell me what you think:

Lacey,

About a month ago I told you it was too hard to keep seeing you because I was still in love with my wife. The truth is, I remain loving her and I don't want to do anything to harm my chances for reconciliation. I was never emotionally available to you, and it was wrong to lead you on in any way and dating you was unfair to everyone involved.

Krista and I have talked, and we will be going to see a different and much more intense marital counsellor together. I have come to realize that as much pain as her affair has caused me, my relationship with you has caused her pain too. In reality, it can even be considered an affair of its own accord because until I'm divorced, I am still married. It pains me to think that I have hurt her. I will ask her to end her affair, and I must offer the same fidelity that we pledged to each other so that we can rebuild our marriage and recommit to only each other.

I know I already told you that I couldn't see you anymore, but I feel the need to formalize and finalize the end of this relationship so that I can begin to work on my marriage with a clean slate. Please respect my request to end all contact....casually as well as intimately....so that I can put my energy into meeting my vows as the man and husband I want to be.

regards,
Peter

As you can see.....I've taken out everything except your commitment to your marriage....and all the stuff that might help her hang on to feelings that you really care about her. Please know....that in spite of businesslike sound....those kind words you gave her are really to help you feel better....they would ultimately keep her in a place that is harmful for her if she still cares about you.

How do you feel about those changes?

They are excellent. Unfortunately, I already sent the other one. I wanted to get a letter out to her before I started getting phone calls about what I was going to do this weekend. She responded with a brief, "I understand" letter. It is the last communication I will accept from her. I've removed her numbers from my phone which i never learned by heart (a side effect of cell phone speed dial) and blocked her email address. Hmmm... I wish I'd done it your way. Nevertheless, I'm happy I did it.

Also, I was thinking and like Sherlock Holmes, I've made a deduction that they have NOT moved in together... yet. However, because she was going to her parents for 5 days I had offered to have her drop our cats off while she was gone. She did not take me up on the offer so she either took them with her like the last time OR she is having him say at her apartment while she is gone. Could be a first step to moving in. That would be bad wouldn't it?

Also, as broke as she is right now, she has still not sold her engagement ring, and that thing is worth a very pretty penny. So, for whatever reason, she's holding onto it. I don't know, I begin to think about these little things and my hope goes up. Then, I talk to her and feel like a worthless slug who has ruined her life. Hope, despair, hope, despair, its so draining.

I have to go out in a bit to get some nicotine patches. I figure in addition to ending things with Lacey, if I'm going to ask her to break a powerful addiction, I should break mine too. Maybe it'll help me understand what it feels like for her. I know thats like comparing apples to bowling balls, but I feel like I need to be doing something. At least this will be productive and maybe even help me gain some weight back.

Peter

Peter,

hmmmmm.....okay.....well try not to act on impulse, it's one of things that is going to get you trouble. You're a high energy, can do, kinda man....and you feel as though you're running out of time....so it will be very hard to slow down....but it's better to be consistent than all over the place right now.

Moving in together with an A partner can be both good and bad. It's better at ending the fantasy....but it can also make the relationship more entrenched. I've seen it either end the relationship quickly when the fantasy goes *poof*....or make it difficult to separate.....mixed bag.

Now that you've ended your other relationship.....you need the opportunity to let your wife know that....as well as know you'd like her to do the same and give your marriage one last chance to work. When is your appointment?

My appointment is this coming Friday, the 8th. I'm going to this thing knowing that things look abysmal right now. She has clearly stated that she has no intention of leaving the OM, and that our last MC was ineffective. She's actually right, before I even had a chance to speak our MC has asked my wife if the OM was available (meaning not married) and suggested she pursue that relationship and think about moving out permanently. By the end of the session she suggested we see a mediator and start dividing belongings and then scheduled us to come back a month later. Needless to say, we never made the second appointment. I felt railroaded. I sense the new MC truly believes marriages are important and salvageable.

I sent her a letter explaining that I had ended it permanently and gave a sincere apology explaining that I was so wrapped up in my own pain that I never stopped to think that my own A (and yes I'm willing to call it that) could be hurting her as much as her's hurt me. I told her I was ashamed and truly sorry. I c/c's a copy of the letter to her because I know I would expect the same thing: tangible proof that things are ending.

Although she has said she does not want to leave OM, I'm hoping that by the end of our session she will see that things are not as hopeless as she thought and might be willing to try. Truthfully, however, she has said to me regarding the OM, "the feeling of excitement and falling in love are long over." She seems pretty entrenched in the relationship.

One bright side, if you can call it that, is that on the phone she had thrown out a couple "conditions" if she were to come back. So maybe she's mulling over the possibility, who knows? I know her family supports the idea of us reconciling and have given me great support. I think the best thing right now is that she is there, with them, for a long period of time.

And I also stated that I was very excited about the possibility of beginning the journey home... for both of us.

Impulse is the enemy of success! Which leads me to my next question. From now until next Friday do I not contact her again? And what do I do if she contacts me?

Peter

Peter,

First thing we need to do is to do a consolidation thread. Most folks just don't have the time to read five different threads....and they can't give good advice if they can't follow what's happened, where you are, and what advice you've gotten so far. So later this afternoon.....I'll try to build you a good single thread....and then call for some of the other vets on the site to weigh in about your next step. For now....BE STILL and don't contact your wife. Let the weekend work for you....and let her supportive family do some healing with her over this weekend. Do not contact her until she comes home.....but be receptive if she calls you during the weekend.

You were smart to call your relationship with Lacey an affair.....it will help your wife to know that you judge your own actions the same way you judge hers. That shows consistency and compassion.....all good parts of a good Plan A.

Your first MC sounds like one of the many destructive counselors who don't save marriages at all!! I'm so glad you shopped around for a better one.....sheesh!!!

In the meantime....I would like you to put together a complete timeline about your marriage in a bulleted form that folks can follow easily. Make sure it contains....ages, length of marriage, how you met, 1st marriage?, when problems began....and what things contributed to incompatibility....etc. I'll use that in the thread I build for you.

Of course.....being the high energy guy you are....if you feel confident about building it yourself....go ahead. It might give you something to do instead of obsess about your wife and all the things you can't control. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

I have a feeling this isn't over Peter....and YES...."conditions" are a definite clue that she's not done yet. Be encouraged.

Good idea, I'll get started on both right away, I really need something to do!

This thread has been moved to:
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...e=0#Post3092952