Ok...so I know I've come a long way. H and I are happily together and in recovery. We love each other madly!

But...

I can't shake the images. I made him tell me details of everything that happened in that one encounter...and I hated hearing it, but I needed it...WHY? Why did I NEED to have those details? Why did I think it would help me in my own personal recovery? Is this normal?

Yesterday I was helping another friend of mine who is currently going through the same things...and it brought back a few things that I thought I resolved. Boy was I wrong! I've been extremely emotional and weepy for weeks and I think there may be some hidden depression there. But the details of that night came back and flooded my mind about what they did...and I made myself so sick with it.

H and I had a LONG discussion last night and I put him through 20 questions. I had to. Without these answers I could NOT focus on healing. So, I asked him if he was willing. He was reluctant at first because he knew some of his answers were gonna kill me, but he said that if it will help heal and move on happily forever until death do us part, then he was willing to walk through ******. That made me feel a tiny bit better <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

So, I put him through interrogation. And I told him that I wanted the brutal honesty. I asked for details and it stung like ******! I cried and cried for hours and hours...but because of these answers I got, now I can start building the healing on my own heart based on what the truth was.

Last night I was feeling extremely distant...I couldn't look at him, I couldn't accept his affection, it was so hard to be the loveable ME. But he worked with me...he worked and worked and sat me down and looked at me with full attention and laid his heart out and just spilled it.

He told me about how he was so lost. He thought he was unhappy. He thought there was more out there for him. He thought the grass was greener. He thought he didn't love me or wasn't in love with me. He said that separating himself from me was like punishment for him and that gave him time to deal with his crimes. He needed that time to be miserable and to beat himself up. He said during those 10 mos he just wandered, tried to fit into different crowds, put on a happy front, and just acted ok, but really he was dying inside, too. I, of course, didn't fully believe him until he took my face in his hands and said, "I do not deserve you. You are amazing and I didn't see it then. I had no idea what I was trying to leave behind. I'm so very sorry I hurt you. I never want to be without you again. If there's anything I can do at all, whatever it takes, I want to grow old with you." I cried...

Then he made love to me in the most intimate, passionate way that our love-making had ever been. It wasn't just sex...it was making love, and although the images kept popping into my head during our moment he could sense it because I would just kind of freeze up. Everytime I did, he would whisper something to me to ease me a little. He would stop and just rub my back and tell me that it was ok. He kept telling me that he was still the man I fell in love with and he was never going to go anywhere. So, when the freezing would pass he'd ask me if I was ok...and then the passion would begin again. I cried more because the closeness was unreal...and because I was already weepy anyways <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

So, by posting this I want to know from you success stories, how do you let go of the past? How do you cope with the mental images of what occurred while he was in the fog? How are you able to be intimate without allowing the images control your mind and body?

I want so desperately to let this go...can anyone shed some light on this? I would appreciate it...Thank you in advance.

Korlis

Anyone?

be patient with him and yourself. Time and a good back rub will heal all wounds

Time is one thing that helps. I too asked the 20 questions at least 20 times.

Here is some advice I got and that I use. I know it doesn't seem like much, but it does help--that and working together like you both seem to be working along with time.
Lake


Advice I got for similar problems:

"While you are journaling lake, keep track of how often you are cycling. I'm hoping you see that the intervals between cycling are longer, and that the cycles themselves are shorter.

And when the hurtful thoughts come up, put them to one side and make a list of 3 things that your H does, or 3 traits that you love, and cut off the painful thoughts.

Or, make a list of 3 things that are thoughtful, kind, or romantic, things you can share with him, and put energy into making that thing happen. Even a little thing will help.

Stop feeding the monster and start feeding the good thing inside yourself. He broke off with the OW. He's in no contact. You will recover."

Yes, time will heal. But I'm impatient! LOL...the 'encounter' happened 05/07/04...but he didn't tell me until 01/21/05 which was the day he said he couldn't do it anymore.

It was only a one-night stand, but he says that from the time it happened until the time he came clean he felt rotten and it ate away at him until it clouded him so much that it made him think he wasn't in love with me anymore. So...he said the only way he could cope with his dirty deed was to separate from me.

So, since then I grieved and I grieved...but we were apart. It was a different type of grieving. It was grieving of the pain of losing my husband with minimal grieving over the hurt of the actual act. But now that we're back together and in recovery, only NOW are the images/details of the actual act affecting me. Does that make sense? Let me know cause I'm a mess these days hehe

But thank you for your responses. I'm trying so hard to not just say, "You know what, I do love you endlessly, but I can't be with you anymore. It hurts so bad." Sometimes I feel like that would be easier, but then I project into the future and that's not what I really want. I WANT to grow old with him, I WANT to be with him forever...I don't want to be without him, so now I'm left with...You deal with it or you don't. Make your decision. GRRRR...

I know I need to let it go, and I know I want to let it go. Major signs that I want my marriage to last forever...now I just need to figure it out.

If time is the only answer, then I pray for patience and peace in the interim. I am going to start journaling...something I should have done since the day he left...

Thanks all and if anyone else has anything else to add, Please by ALL means feel free!

Kor

Did anyone have anything else to add??
Are there any mental exercises I can do or something? I'm putting this man through ****** and I hate myself for it, but I need the answers and then I need to know how to dispel them.

I'm a bit of a mess, but I must say I'm getting better everyday.

Help?

I'm going to throw a different spin on this.... time heals nothing.... never has, never will....
The only thing time does is give you distance and perspective when looking at a situation. Both of those will be valuable... but, and this is a big but, putting these things in perspective sometimes doesn't change the images that you will deal with. My IC has told me that those images will always hurt... never will go away...but that they serve a purpose. The anger and hurt that you feel will allow you to better protect yourself from someone that you have learned that you can NEVER trust blindly again.

We hold on to things for a reason. Fear of it happening again is a huge motivator for holding on to this stuff. And everyone of us here should have concern that it could... not will, happen again. You are dealing with one of the most traumatic events and it was perpitrated by someone you love. There are bound to be lasting effects.

I don't know your history... I don't know when your d-day was.. but don't be so hard on yourself. This is going to be a long process... and so long as you both approach it as loving and caring partners, you will get through it okay. Not perfect... but okay.

As far as mental exercises... try this... naming everything within your field of view... do it as soon as you have a bad thought before the emotional and physical response really kick in (do it within seconds!). And I mean be specific... if you are in a room... in your head think of everything you can see... lights, ceiling, paint, rugs...etc. It should distract you enough to get you through a tough moment.

Good luck.

MEDC

Well, the first mental exercise I would recommend is that you STOP tormenting your husband with all this from this day forward. Don't bring it up to him again. He did exactly the right thing by telling you the truth and aswering all your questions. He can and should tolerate several months of your grief, but you are well over a year and a half now and there is nothing more he can say or do to help you with this.

I think continually tormenting him with this is major lovebuster and I would knock it off. If you feel like you need to vent about this, come here and rant and rave all you want. It won't bother us a bit and we all understand! But, don't destroy your marriage over this, please. Your H is a good man who made did a dreadful thing, but he has tried his hardest to make it right with you. REWARD him for that!

K-

It was hard for me to get past the images, too.

I forced myself to replace the images with another image instead. I would yell "NO" (inside my own mind to myself)to the "bad image" and then focus on the replacement image. For a replacement image, I used a very peaceful scene of flowers in Holland that I had seen once. You might have a picture in your mind of a place you love that gives you peace to focus on.

This worked for me.

SB

Thank you all so much!

I will definetly heed your advice.

My H is such a wonderful man and I hate that I can't get over this. I'm searching for a way to just forgive him and let it go. He's become such a wonderful man, it just stinks that it took this for him to grow up.

And you're right...I need to stop tormenting him with this. He didn't have to come back to me...he could have kept on with his unhappy life...and I shouldn't torment him any longer. I am going to try very very hard to consciously NOT bring this up to him. It's not fair to him...he's done his time. Thank you for waking me up to this.

Time doesn't heal I agree...it just makes things a bit more foggy where the hurt doesn't hurt AS bad. But...time helps that's for sure LOL. Thank you for that new spin. Gave me another angle to think on.

The idea about focusing on my surroundings was awesome! As well as image replacement...I will think of something beautiful and peaceful.

Thanks again and if there's any other ideas PLEASE let me know. I want so badly to leave this in the past...we have such a great future and we're so happy! I don't wanna be the reason our M is ruined just because I can't get over something that happened nearly 2 yrs ago.

Keep 'em comin!!
Kor