Good. Keep us posted.

~ Marsh

Hi ML. no I don't want to give up.... but she seems to moving ahead at breakneck speed to force the divorce process.... she is looking for a place to rent so she can move out. I am lost and really don't know if anything I do is going to change things. I am not going ot make the divorce easy and I am going to Plan A my [censored] off, but its hard being nice to such an evil being right now.

ok, gotcha, Madwyn. I should tell you that most WS' blather about divorce, but very few actually go through with it. My suggestion would be to DO NOTHING to help her get a D. Don't TALK about divorce, don't participate in any splitting of assets, NOTHING. Only do what you are ordered BY LAW TO DO. Don't give her a stick of furniture or a penny and don't let her take the kids out of their home without a court order. When she tries to discuss D, tell her you "don't do divorce, you only do recovery." You are not interested in divorce.

And don't be a doormat with her. Stand up for yourself and be very firm and straightforward with her WITHOUT lovebusting her.

Have you read Surviving an Affair? If not, please get this book ASAP so you will understand what you are dealing with here. Much of what we are telling you is counterintuitive so it will make much more sense if you understand all this.

You did GOOD in protecting your finances. Now, just get back in that house!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Here is Plan A by Pepperband:

The Carrot and the Stick of Plan A

The carrot of Plan A


Meeting your wandering spouse's emotional needs.

Making "home" a warm and inviting place to be.

Placing emphasis on what has worked in the marriage.

Showing consistent self improvement in areas where previously lacking.

Stop lovebusting behaviors.

Communicating with a calm reassuring voice and relaxed body language, even in the center of a verbal storm created by the infidel.

Becoming the person any reasonable spouse would want to come home to.

Remaining open to the possibility of recovery.

Offering forgiveness and understanding.



The stick of Plan A


Exposing adultery where it matters most. Exposure that takes the form of a swift and sudden unexpected tsunami of truth.

Not appologizing for exposure or speaking the truth in a kind yet direct way.

Directly communicating the hurt and devastation that the affair has caused.

Not accepting blame for the infidel's choice to become adulterous.

Let the consequences of adultery and infidelity fall freely upon the heads of the adulterous.

Establishing boundaries that disallow the affair to effect children of the marriage, financal security of the marriage, and otherwise ruin innocent bystanders.

Standing up to infidelity as a beast that must be slayed for the good of the family.

As technically advanced as we are nowadays, and because of how easy it is to buy it at your regular radio shack or electronics place, I would buy a cheap voice recorder to carry with me in my pocket,and purchase the one for a phone line.

You can pretty well bet that she will make the threat one more time. I would be ready to record it and bust her chops when she went through with it.

Some may disagree, but....that will clear a little of the fog as well. Knowing that she can't run over you.


hcii

t/j hcii, I sure am glad to see you posting again and appreciate the great advice you give. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Well, it happened...... she called today and told me she had taken money from the only account ai had not been able to close and retained an attorney. She filled for divorce and also filla RO against me. She told me this as she was on the wy to Spokane with my children who I was supposed to spend Sat. night with.......

Will fill in more later. Have not been served so I am in my own hame as we speak.......

Boy, she's a piece of work.

I hope your attorney is a pitbull.

What is he advising you to do?

~ Marsh

So sorry to hear this, MadWyn.

Just an FYI: In my State, its standard practice for a divorce attorney to ask if their client wants a temp-RO placed on their spouse. Operative word "temporary".

MW, stay in your house and be sure and contact your attorney and let him know this. Why did she file a RO against you? On what grounds?

Did you get the book yet?

I have not gotten the book, nor have I yet been served with the papaers, so i do not know what she is claiming.

She took my children 400 miles away and will not let them talk to me. My atorney has said he can't know what to do until we have the papers, but suggests I comply with the Temp RO and avoid any criminal charges.

I am currently at my house where I have mowed the lawn, weed eated, spayed the blackberries with brush killer, changed a leaky outside faucet, started putting away things for the winter (before it starts to rain), done laundy, got dog food (was out), and cleaned up the cats area which was a terrible mess.

I will meet with the attorney monday and then will know more......

MW

This will make no sense to you rnight now, but stay calm. Al WS treat BS like we're monsters and recreate history and the overwhelming majority of them come to their senses.

Give her no reason to believe her own deluded version of your behaviour and your marriage and PLEASE don;t lose faith.

Invest in yourself.

Your life will be better than you can currently believe in a couple of months.

God Bless

Bob

Hi Bob.

I must appologize for not heeding some (all) of your advice earlier. I don't know if it would have made a difference as it apears this woman is simply not hte woman I married 13 years ago.

I will tell you, and everyone else that there has been a roller coaster to my ride the last few days.

I was unable to talk to my children for 3 days (Thursday eve. was the last time) until I talked to my 11 yo daughter tonight courtesy of a sympathetic aunt). We cried a bit together on the phone but I got the message across, I love her and her brother more than anything in the world and they can call me anytime day or night.

The other end of the spectrum is Friday after I was informed by the "withch from another planet" of the divorce and RO (which I still have not been served), I recieved a call with and job offer for my dream job. In less than a month I will be launching a new winery form Washington and I have absolute contriol/responsibility for EVERYTHING! It is the opportunity of a lifetime and it couldn't have coe at a better time. My body was in shock, from the low of hearing about the RO and divorce filling to the high of being told I was going to be a key senior memner of the team at this emerging company....... I thought I was going to throw up.

Anyway, I still have not been served with any paperwork, so I don;t know what to expect. I am sure I will be writing for more support from all of you here sooner rather than later. Thank you for all your advice, encouragement, and the occasional [censored]-kicking...... I know there is much more ahead.

MW

You don't have to apologise for anything. All we BS's know how debilitating it is to be a victim of an active wayward spouse.
it apears this woman is simply not hte woman I married 13 years ago.

She is not, you're right. She is an alien pod person released on earth while her real self is trapped in the fog alien mothership. Squid now SWEARS she must have been temporarily insane.

All of the [censored]-kickings are send with love, because we have learned that instinct will imobilise you from the right action.

I am not surprised you haven't been served yet. WS are great at delivering theatrical threats , far less good at actually making them.

Like most other BS I heard "I never loved you" "By the time you get home I will be living wih OM and the kids" etc etc. These are so common that most legal systems don't take such very seriously. In the UK they are called " domestics" and are usually dealt with by severe talking-to's by the cops or solicitors.

Even if there are any guts to her threats, many many BS on here have soaked that up and won through to restore their marriages.

What is important is that you invest in yourself - a healthy soldier is best indicated to win any battle - and STUDY like you're after your chevalier du tastevin qualification !

Buy and read "surviving an affair" and if you are Christian " Torn asunder " by Dave Carder.

Also "Love must be tough " by James Dobson is a wonderfully motivating guide to breaking your bad instinct.

Then study example stories here, and ask the old warriors for their help to put what you learn into practice in your own situaion.

I did no more than that starting just over two years ago Madwyn. Studied, discussed, learned, applied.

Last weekend was our 20th anniversary. We had the most wonderfully romantic weekend in Madrid which I'll writ eup if you want. Squid could NOT be more regretful for her actions, and could hardly love me more, or be a better wife or mother than she is.

I still hurt from time to time, but its livable now. And this is just TWO YEARS after d-day in an active affair !

If you read my story you'll see how nasty it got.

What you have to do now madwyn is realise that your GOOD , NOBLE actions now will seep into your WWs consciousness like loving bedside conversation does to some unconscious patients. When they wake they may not remember every word, or even themes, but they KNOW they have been embraced and loved while they were unable to respond.

Thts is how Squid described my plan A while she was addicted to OM and behaving like a harpie.

Also those good actions disarm any attempt by your W to paint you in a bad light.

Sorry to ramble here, but there's more <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Keep fit. Physical exercise is wonderful to release anger and get buff.

Learn "reverse babble". Search on the phrase on these boards mostly from our resident exprrt Orchid <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

RB is a way to defuse the Fog Babble that comes our way and also stuff a point of logic or two back through the portal in the fog when it is opened. You need to learn to avoid lovebusters first though. Until then remember this maxim : " a closed mouth gathers no foot"! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Madwyn, I wish I lived closer mate - I'd shake your hand and tell you you'll be alright. Because you will.

BTW I LOVE Washington state wines ! The best Washington state sauvignon blancs are up there with Marlborough wines from New Zealand IMO ! When you're looking back on this an laughing I'll have to come visit your new winery !:)

All blessings

MW, just so you understand, every person here can relate to this statement about your spouse. It is the RULE, rather than the exception in these situations. We actually have a name for them, as BobPure pointed out: ALIENS.

However, when they fully withdraw from their affair, they usually come back to their normal self. So, what you are dealing with is the RULE, rather than the exception. It is an expectation that your W will be acting in a very different way, so don't let that you prevent you from using MB principles.

Good monday morning to you all. I received an ambarrasing call this morning as I was on my way to my volunteer appointment in my sons 2nd grade class. The principal informed me she had paperwork stating I was not allowed at the school. She was very embarased, especially since I have not (as of 9:54 AM Seattle time) been served with any paperwork. I told her I would not complicate things for her and would not come to the school, because she was afraid if I did she was going to have to contact the police.

I finally got to talk to my kids last night. Michelle (WW) decided there was nothing that prevented them from calling me so they called and talked to me for about 1/2 an hour and said goodnight. Michelle prevented me from talking to them from Thursday afternoon until last night (90 hours?). I was also told by my daughter that I am only allowed to see them on Tuesday night and Saturday night. As I still do not have paperwork, I do not know what else is in there.

I was angry after the call from the principle so I called and left a message on Michelle's cell phone telling her how disapointed I was in her for chosing to do exactly what she told me she wanted to avoid (doing anything negative involving the children) and what a pitiful excuse for a mom she was being at the moment. I know..... BIG LB.... I couldnt help myself.

so this is where I sit, doing some work from my current place of residence and waiting for the damn papers to arrive so I can get on with things.

I don't understand how she can have the right to make it so you aren't allowed to volunteer at your kid's school or even limit your ability to see them or live in your own house. So sorry you didn't follow everyones advice and move back in early in Sept...that was a huge mistake. You need to keep your backbone and not appear weak. You need to be loving, calm, but firm, strong, and unwavering in your commitments.

I wish you would have done what noodle (I think) suggested and spoken to the police prior to her filing an RO. Unless you have some history of violence or abusing her or the kids, I don't see how she can do all this too you.

If anyone should leave the house...and without the kids....it should be her...the adultress. What nerve.

Read all the books recommended to you by b0bPure.

Talk to your lawyer ASAP. I hope he is a good one or that you find a better one who will fight for you NOW.

Madwyn,

Take some advice from a guy who has been served papers and is still fighting.

You need to find out who her attorney is and have your attorney contact that attorney. My guess is that she did not file for divorce, but has filed for a civil protection order. Not sure how Washington works, but in my state (Idaho) they hand protection orders out like candy. I know this because I am a police officer. The court would much rather err on the side of caution than to have her or the children get hurt. However, the order does not go into affect until you have been served. Temporary PO's in our state are typically good for 14 days, at which point there is a hearing. That is your chance to dispute it's need. If the process is the same, make it to the hearing. It is common for one parent to use this process to try to gain the upper hand in a custody battle. It is an abuse of the system, but the courts don't much care. It is all about liability anymore. Contact your local police dept and speak with an officer regarding those questions. They will be able to explain some things.

My WW threatened D for weeks prior to actually petitioning. I was finally served last Thursday. I am in the process of fighting to protect my children. There is nothing you can do to control your WW. All you can do is work on yourself and protect your children from the A. Plan A to the best of your ability. Be that carrot! Make her second guess why she ever chose to betray you. Be strong, not for her, but for you and your children. I make it a point to not show weakness in front of my children (I no longer cry in front of them, heck I no longer cry at all). They need you to be strong for them. Be their rock. Cherish your time with them. Be honest with them, but make it age appropriate.

If you do get served, fight like a dog. Do NOT tell her what your plans are. Like Mr.Wondering told me, forewarned is forearmed.

I am certainly no expert, but I am learning a little bit more every day. I too have made mistakes (doubt there are any BS's here who have not), but they don't nearly amount to the mistakes that your WW (all WW's for that matter) made and is still making.

Hang in there!

Can anyone tell me what happens with "quick replies"? I typed out a very long long update several days ago for everyone and it has not shown up on the post. It could have been as much as a week ago I wrote it.

Thanks

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