Just a LITTLE vent!!!!

i realize that as WE get older, and being single and in the dating world, mostly against OUR wishes....things have changed so much from when we were all young and "looking for love"....

without going into great detail....i "cut" my GF from the team last night over some totally UNACCEPTABLE behavior during a disagreement...so much so, that even my XW during her most "evil" ways NEVER called names during fights....

anyway...im tired...just tired of drama, tired of issues....did i say im tired of "DRAMA" yet???

everyone has baggage...i realize this....myself included...but as i view what i have to offer someone and generally overall i dont ask a whole Heck of a lot from someone....im trusting and i have two pretty well behaved kids....(for teenagers!!)

why are some women so ****** bent on destroying a good thing at the expense of being "right"???

i know that it also is probabley because of our "baggage" and histories, but why do some women control the drama so well and communicate so well and others just thrive on it???

i know that "if i were a fish, id be a "keeper".... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

too bad some people just dont get it!

thats all for now....just needed to rant!

oh sturg, there are some perfect women left now... i, of course, am one of them!
just ask gekko... he'll say so! hahahahahahaha

and if he doesn't, well, i am here to tell you that i am.
and my opinion is all that matters...

sorry, i must go and kiss my mirror now.
it is not easy being perfect ya know....

(cheer up sturg... it'll get better...)
mlhb

You are lucky; I cannot find even bad men <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />


<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

B2M,

Well, if you're looking for bad men, I guess I'm out. I'm not bad. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

-AD

"why are some women so ****** bent on destroying a good thing at the expense of being "right"???"

Forgive me if my baggage means I'm taking this the wrong way....and by no means does anyone deserve to be rudely called names...but I just thought I'd tell you how I take the above statement. I take it as if I were to argue my point of view with a man, and attempt to point out why I feel strongly about my point of view (aka try to point out why I think that I'm right), that I would not be "one of the good ones". Perhaps this is why I'm stuck being single? I had enough giving in all the time and quietly setting aside my opinion in the name of peace and "marital happiness". I gave up being me, and became an unhealthy extension of someone else, because I stopped voicing my opinion very often if at all, and when I did, I got an incredibly angry response, how dare I have an opinion that differed from his (which he often pretended was "ours", and yet I was left quietly seething and building up resentment because my opinion didn't matter).

One such example of an opinion that I was forced to keep to myself was that my now exH shouldn't have such close friendships with female colleagues. Sidenote - he's marrying one of those "friends" later this month, and was seeing her before our marriage was over.

The next time around, I want and need to meet someone who's willing to listen to and accept my point of view, even if that means accepting the fact that we may in fact have different points of view from time to time. Does this, in your opinion, mean I am not "one of the good ones"?

Jen

You go, girl! Jen, tell him.

Sometimes we all need a mirror. Maybe the girlfriend really cared about whatever matter you were discussing and maybe she wasn't the only one sticking to her guns.

You know, my passive/aggressive x would agree with you, Sturg. I'm going to say nothing more except that I will take your post as a vent and nothing more.

Well Sturg, I'm not only a good one, but a great one <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> But, ahem, this isn't about me....

I'm sorry for your break up and if I understand your post correctly, there was disrespectful behavior involved on her part? No one should tolerate name calling. It's juvenile.

I just get the feeling that your break-up really doesn't have alot to do w/ your girlfriend needing to be "right", she just merely provided you w/ the excuse you've been looking for to break up w/ her. I imagine things haven't been going well ever since the incident w/ your daughter.....My point is, look at the break-up for what it was REALLY about. I realize you are hurting and venting, but try not to let that jade your view of women.

HUGS to you!

mlhb~~LOL!

dw...

i think you are prob more right and its along those lines that i think this "thing" just kinda ran its course...

ever since about mid july...things never fully recovered and i was really worn out with drama...

you cant be in a relationship for over a 1 1/2 years without feeling a sad sense of loss....i sure do, but i guess "peace" and no drama sometimes come at a huge price.

Well, I have had my own problems with some women as well. Not that I am perfect, but sometimes I feel like I have to be. Two issues come up rather frequently.

First, there is the "you're not quite perfect" attitude some women have. They are looking for Mr. Perfect and seem to believe that if they meet enough men - after all it's all just a big numbers game, right? - they will find him. So, they reject men for all sorts of trivial reasons - a bit to short, hair thin on top, has the wrong accent, etc. Quite often you see these women on dating sites for months, even years at a time! Amazing.

Second, are the ones who think that they are psychologists and want to analyze and correct all my percieved faults and imperfections. First, let me state that I am perfectly imperfect. It's what makes me me. But, these women start to pick apart and lecture me on everything including how I deal with my adult children. Note: They have never even met my adult children and know next to nothing about them, but they can lecture me on what I am doing wrong in my relationship with them. This is truly amazing! Most psychologists would want to spend months, maybe years getting to fuly understand a person before pronouncing judgment, yet these women can do it after a month of two of dating. Why the heck does anybody bother to get their PhD in psychology when it's that easy? Go figure.

Ok, I am done venting.

Sturgis,
Unfortunately, I think we HAVE to go through these growing relationships. If we can view them as a stepping stone that brings us closer to the real one, it helps. The pain at least is just a shadow of what we went through originally, though still very real.
How do you find dating to be with teenagers? I have 3 awesome ones, but find that men aren't crazy about getting close to a woman who's so tied down with teens and financial responsibilities. I have met a couple of guys who wanted more, but it ended up I couldn't get myself to care for them. I don't think I've made myself emotionally available because of my kids. They don't have a great relationship with their dad, and see him on a very inconsistent basis. Also, I haven't gotten child support in a year, so I have a strange sense of pride/independence that I need to raise them alone. I guess the Lord will know when I'm ready.
It just seems that guys in my situation can more easily give of themselves, and invest in a relationship. I'm really sorry though, that this one didn't work out for you.
Just think, you are that much closer to meeting "the one"!
KK

Hey, Sturg! Does that mean your road trip through my state this month is off?

My state...yeah, I own it.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Two halves to communication (a reminder) what is perceived and what is attempted...

(This is for JE, too)

You only control your half, right? What feels like drama to you may not be drama...having a different belief is where we acknowledge we have two differing beliefs and are okay with that...beliefs don't get us into drama and conflict...rejecting, discounting, assuming another's beliefs does.

If you perceive you're being lectured rather than shared with, you'll feel lectured...instructed...argued with.

If you perceive what is being stated is sharing, you'll be intimate.

If you perceive drama, you'll experience an incident as dramatic. I say this with your GF and you, having a teenaged daughter, too. Find your payoff.

Your choice in perception.

Key words which can trigger us to perceive sharing as being told what to do: shoulds, shouldn'ts, never, always, wrong, right, you statements...

Judgment filets human relationships...feeling judged is the antidote to intimacy.

Drama dischargers: She says, "Ohmygosh...this is what just happened..." (describes an experience from her day)

Sturg (da man): "You felt fear, surprise and anger because..., is that correct?"

"Yes!"

"You're not asking me to solve, cure or fix what just happened. You're sharing with me your experience, beliefs and feelings."

"Yeah. What do you want for dinner?"

JE--dating as an experienced adult...how can communicate all your life...what you believe, like, dislike, fear, love into dating? How difficult would it be to communicate to each other who you are to someone who hasn't made the trip with you? Would these women be asking you to know without experience that they are aware, earnest, worthy, competent, fearful human beings doing a herculean feat of fast intimacy?

Their DJs about your life would be more about theirs, wouldn't? Their assumptions not as a way to change your life, but explain theirs? Too short like the uncle how made passes at them when they were 14; hair thining on top because their exH used to measure how much their breasts sagged each year; the wrong accent, which makes them feel stupid, unable to understand or grasp the words...fear.

Sharing our likes and dislikes, what triggers us, isn't expecting perfection but incredible protection...why not probe them...what their intent is, to find their heart?

Instant intimacy in RH...not judgment. No one is right about human beings...but DJing DJs doesn't seem to me to be the way we get close, to understand...then be understood.

Yearning for understanding to be secure...to pat down what isn't possible to pat down...we all have that, to different degrees. When judged, why not ask about the judgment, instead of judging back? Your half is as important as theirs...be it only one date, one moment...those moments touch lifetimes...especially, our own.

(All this from a married woman with a huge nose for other people's experiences...not me telling you what to do...or living your life (not within my control)...sharing my thoughts with you as you live what I fear greatly...human to human.)

LA

Looks like by "not going into the details" you have led the respondents to make all sorts of different assumptions as to what happened - how about telling us a bit more of what took place?

Or were you just venting?

AGG

as far as more details...its not really a "right or wrong" issue anymore....it was one of those arguements that NEVER should have happened and didnt then nor now make alot of sense....

i made a HUGE mistake by not giving her space, rather than trying to make sense out of non-sense....

all of this looking through hindsight....

its not really me "cutting" her from the team, as much as it is a mutual decision....we both have un-resolved issues and at times a communication problem...but she dwells on certain issues that i obviously dont think of as BIG DEALS...she does...thus the DRAMA....

its the old MAN vs. WOMAN differernce....mars/venus thing i guesss....

or.......the man (logical) way of thinking and the woman (illogical) way!!! (JK!!! that was a joke!) <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

anyway....

LA.....

as always, u give quite an open minded approach and some deep thought.....hind sight what it is is 20/20 and i also realize that there are NO WINNERS is agruements such as these....

BTW....ill be colorado bound next week for 10 days...we are ending up at custer battlefield in MT before we head home...

hopefully be a GREAT ride!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

The weather has already turned Fallish, Sturg...I don't know what it will be like throughout your adventure...be warm, 'k?

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

I breathe therefore I mother.

LOL

Is the "we" you and your daughter?

And there's a Custer's Last Stand in Denver, near the University, in case you want to fortify with a great hot dog (Chicago-style...is there a link? I don't think so).

What if it wasn't a "good" woman you were looking for...but someone open and honest...who trusted people to be human, enough to share themselves without judgment?

Maybe then I wouldn't cringe at your thread title.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Be well enough, Sturg...and warm.

LA

Drama can be so draining, self centered & manipulative.

The focus is on the dramatizer saying "why me?", "how do these things always happen TO me. You know, the victim mentality. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

I can't stand it.

Having said that Sturg, we can only take your word, without you providing examples, that your exgf is indeed a drama queen. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Hey Sturg --
Hopefully your trip will be therapuetic -- give you some good windshield time to think about things!

Not all of us are drama queens. Hopefully next time you try you'll find one who's not.

It does sound like your argument was one of those Mars/Venus things -- you trying to fix what was probably unfixable (sometimes we just want to talk about it, not have you fix it...) Have you read the book?

i was alittle pissed off the other day and trying to figure out "what happened"??? and needed a vent or rant i guess...

this was mainly just a vent, not a right/wrong....stand your ground type issue...yes...she was out of line alittle in her actions but we have talked about some stuff and maybe try to work thru a few things....

we'll see what comes of it.....

i just need to remember to "practice what i preach"....that is that "dating should be first and foremost FUN"... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

and not take things so serious....this is dating for cryin out loud....not marriage...atleast not yet or for a few years....

women are a COMPLICATED species!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

you know what they say....."a woman and a job has ruined many a good biker!!" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

If you think women are complicated, you need to go look in the mirror! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

Not new here but back after a long time gone. I too have been dating and the baggage is always there. I would see the guy I was dating and wonder about him. Luckily the first guy was gone in a short period of time....Lust was his game. The next 2 came along and conversation wasn't that great. When we are older like this...we have a lot of baggage and life matters that we have experienced. It is not like teenager and the euphoria and wonderment of how marriage would be. Now we have experienced a marriage...and the wonderment is should we stay single. The 4th guy came along and things were going fairly smoothly. Reg Flag was flying and I couldn't put a finger on it...until I finally figured it out...alcoholism.

There are good women out there. I for one am a pretty great woman. I am a good christian...have adult children and love animals. I am very close to my exMIL and she loves me as her only daughter. I am close to my mother...for my father died 4 years ago. I love my family...and actually am close to my ex's family. I had 2 people from his family stay with me in my house just 3 weeks ago for 2 weeks. I opened my home to them...we had a great dinner for all the family that came in at my house. Everyone brought a dish and we had a great time. For 2 came in from Egypt, 2 from Colorado and 3 from Missouri. I was asked if I would like to have the cookout dinner at my house...and I said I would love it.

My house is open to my family, church family, friends. I find it quite easy to converse and I get along with most people. I will state my opinion when asked. If I feel someone is being treated unfairly, I will state my opinion on that too. I rejoice in Gods love and word...and the only thing that I asked is if I could say prayers over dinner. Everyone held hands and prayed and accepted this wholeheartedly.

The good women are out there when they can place their baggage on a shelf and every once in awhile take the baggage off the shelf, look it over and put it back on the shelf. I have done that and have moved on and regained my interests in art, music, poetry, fixing the house up, building a garage and learning to do some electrical and siding the garage and helping with the building. I have learned to use the chainsaw (small size) on trimming trees in the yard, I have learned to take care of my riding lawnmower and my amazon rides my shoulder as I cut the grass. I have taken to walking for exercise and toning my body up. I walk to talk to God. There are many women out there that have gone thru a tremendous amount of pain and hurt and have found themselves and moved on. I am one of them.

As for your GF. Many of us have been a doormat in our previous marriage. I too will express myself honorably. I don't get over anxious or riled up. There is no sense in that. I will speak my opinion in a well mannered way...and I no longer will be a doormat or be an enabler to let a man control and overpower me ever again.

God created all of us and God wants us to treat others as we ourselves would like to be treated. That is my motto and I treat everyone with the deepest respect and love.

As far as Drama Queen...maybe your GF is one and this outburst was another example of her ways. Maybe she is not a Drama Queen...and something triggered her to explode. We don't know, for the posts are so short here. You have dated her for quite awhile and this is something that only you can figure out. If she is not the right one...you have learned from this dating experience and you have matured. God will help you find a mate if that is the path that he wants you to follow. I write this with all my faith and Blessings.

Some of us are busy doing other things. Finding our new way in life. I guess making ourselves more interesting - at the same time, leaving less time to share that new interesting life with someone else! I feel like I either have time to HAVE a life, or time to share one - but not both! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />