Dear Dr. Harley,
I am 37 and my wife is 27. We fell in love very fast, decided that we were perfect for each other, and got married six months after we met without telling our families. For the last 8 months since then, we’ve been having conflicts that we haven’t been able to solve.
We accepted that we had more sources for marital conflict than most marriages. We have a larger than normal age difference, we come from different countries (she is American and I am from Spain), and we come from different social status (her family is extremely wealthy and mine is low-middle class). Yet, we thought that because we had similar intelligence, high energy levels, and goals in life we would make a terrific marriage.
When I started dating her, she had another boyfriend but she said that their relationship was basically dead. Two months later, she had to move to another city to continue her MBA and she asked me to respect her friendship with her ex-boyfriend because I was her soulmate and I shouldn’t worry about him. When I showed her that I was worried about her going out with him as friends on a daily basis, she accused me of being a controlling-crazy Spaniard and asked me to go to therapy to solve my insecurity issues, so I did. Over the next two months, I worked very hard on my feelings and was able to deposit plenty of love units without disbursing them to the point that she opened to me and confessed being unfaithful to me with her ex-boyfriend. At that point I felt really hurt and decided that such a short relationship wasn’t worth my suffering and tried to break up with her. I said tried because she kept calling me and asking forgiveness, promising me that she realized her mistake and assuring me that it will never happen again until I surrender and gave our love a second chance.
Then we came closer and closer and we eloped two months later. Then, I took a non-paid leave from my job so we could live together overseas for the last 4 months of her MBA program. We told everybody that we were engaged and made plans for our “public” wedding to take place last summer.
Since we got married I’ve felt that in order to stay in peace I have to deny my feelings and support her in whatever she thinks is the best for her, me, or the 2 of us. If I have a different opinion, she accuses me of being against her and to destroy her dreams. I’ll explain the three most significant events because of their relevance but it happens daily with the small stuff too.
One month after our marriage we decided that if had a child we would be ok. So we tried and she did get pregnant. Unfortunately, she said that she had taken antibiotics that could have hurt the fetus and she decided to have an abortion without my input. In fact, I tried to persuade her to go to a doctor to figure out the risks to the baby before making that decision but she stopped talking to me every time I suggested that. She claimed that since it was her body she was entitled to make that decision alone and that my obligation as a husband was to support her, so I went with her to the clinic to have it done.
My frustration reached a point where I started to fight her back yelling and arguing, and my mood started to go up and down. I became easily irritable and started to tell myself that I was never going to have my need of emotional closeness met by her because she would never consider my feelings when she made decisions.
Our fights led to the next big unilateral decision on her part. She decided to cancel our “public” wedding. At that point I said to her that since we were not able to make decisions together I would get a divorce. She didn’t negotiate so I left. But then my wife did the same thing she did after confessing her infidelity. She flooded me with messages and phone calls asking for forgiveness and claiming that she understood that her independent behavior was making things difficult for us until I returned to her again.
Four months ago she finished her MBA and we came back together to the city I live, have a house, friends, and a job. She tried to find a job and at the same time our fights intensified. She would avoid me by reading a book or watching TV and I would get frustrated because I felt she was putting emotional distance between us. Secretly she started to look for place to live away from me, and one month ago she finally took all her stuff and moved to another city where her family found a job for her. She said that she loved and that the best way to solve our conflicts was to stay separated. I calmly disagreed with her because I thought that the solution to our problems was working together on solving them without punishing us with the pain of not being able to enjoy each others company. Yet, she left and said that she would come back. She asked me to wait for her.
Again, I felt that we didn’t make a decision that we both felt enthusiastic about and I said that I had it so I filed for a divorce. Last week she decided to quit the job her family got her, and move back with me. She said that she did a lot of soul searching and that she understood that she was putting distance between us because she was afraid of commitment. She said that she had changed and that we shouldn’t get a divorce because if we took things slowly, with the love we feel for each other we would be ok. So I cancelled the divorce.
I think I am going crazy. I don’t know what to think anymore. She is supposed to come back next week and I still don’t trust her but I am afraid that if I ask her to wait she will blame me for quitting her job and finding herself unsupported. Then she will stop loving me for not doing what she wants me to do to show her my unconditional love.
I still love her but I think I am paying a high price and I am afraid that I’ll always have to do what she wants to stay in peace and have her. More than that, I have to guess what she wants and pretend that I want the same to earn her love. Where do I go from here?
F.A
