I'm in a hurry, so I have to truncate this for the sake of time...

I'm an oldie from the Emotional Needs board. I thought I'd post this in both places so I can get more opinions...Here's the story...(with quick explanations of my sitch)...

First off, I'm married a bit over a year. My H is European and went through the immigration process in order to be married to me. He didn't work for a year (awaiting permits) and I supported him during that time. He's a GREAT H and I have no complaints. Here's the situation:

Two months ago, my H found out that a friend of his from back home would be visiting the US this weekend (labour day) and he'd have the opportunity to fly up here for the weekend and spend some time with my H (his best friend). When my H first told me about it, I was really excited because I LOVE hosting people from abroad. As soon as I heard the news, I began planning the weekend...before I could get TOO far along though, my H said that he and his friend would be renting a cabin in a nearby resort town so they could spend time together. His friend would stay here on the Friday evening and they would go away on Saturday morning until Monday afternoon. I was very shocked that my H would have gone for this idea...after all, at the time, my H was unemployed and it would have made FAR more economic sense for his friend to stay with us and not to mention, I'm a LOCAL, the best tour guide there is, right??? I didn't question the decision, since I feel that he's an adult and if this is what he wanted to do, it was fine with me. I made plans for the weekend myself and we went on with our lives for two months.

Fast forward to this past Friday when his friend actually arrived. I prepared a nice meal for him, complete with alcoholic beverages as well as a great bed for him to sleep in for the evening...Since I love to entertain anyways, it was a fun evening for me. I'm friendly, so I have no problems making conversation, etc. even with someone I've only met once.

Here's the part that I want the opinion on...I have suspected for two months that this "friend" of my H (who happens to have a FEMALE DOG for a Wife, very, very high maintenance) is trying to cause trouble in our relationship. Here are my reasons for suspecting this:

1. My H mentioned that it was the friend who insisted on the cabin. He wanted to spend time "alone" with my H (which would have been possible if they stayed here, too)...

2. On Friday night, Friend asked me if this was the first time we've spent a weekend apart since we were married. I answered yes, but also told him that I'm independent and I welcome a weekend alone sometimes.

3. Friend repeatedly asked what my plans were for the weekend and when I mentioned that I'd be doing work on my business and spending time with my family, he skoffed and said "don't you have FRIENDS??"...

4.Friend made sure that he told me there were naughty/dirty magazines in his luggage, thinking that would bother me...When I laughed and said "be sure to show them to my H", he smirked and looked as if I'd spoiled his fun.

5. My H, who has had many opportunities to go to strip joints, clubs and bars in the past year (with my Brother, Sister's boyfriend, etc.) ended up in a CLUB with this friend last night...after the club, they went to a strip joint...Keep in mind, this doesn't bother me, but it's so out of character for my H, I wonder if this is his good old friend, trying to make waves, yet again.

My question is, I am being sensitive and suspicious of this friend or do I have good reasons to suspect that this guy is deliberately trying to get my Husband in trouble? I keep thinking that if I was the jealous type, I'd be fuming right now. My own Mother and Sister said they'd be rip roaring mad....so, maybe this "friend" of my Husband wanted to see the fireworks between us? As I mentioned earlier, his Wife is so high maintenance that I couldn't even IMAGINE what she'd do if she found out what he Husband was up to....

Am I crazy? Is this guy a troublemaker? I need validation here. LOL... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Hi aeri,

Did you tell this creep....that "Ya you have friends,with really exotic names like *starfish*"?

Here's your validation.....your instincts are right on.....the guy is unhappy about losing his buddy and probably jealous too. He's trying to cause trouble.....I think you handled it beautifully. I'm less worried about the friend however, and more worried that your H let himself be manipulated by this friend. Mr. Creepo is going to leave....but the issues with H's "independent behavior" love buster....will remain.

You were smart not to let his friend "bait" you into looking like a harpy....that was his intention....and sadly....he just showed his true colors. Watch your back around that guy....he's bad news.

I'd let some time pass before you talk about this with your H....want to make sure he knows it's about "him" and not "his friend". If you bring this up now....he just accuse you of not wanting him to have friends....or not liking his friend....so wait until you see the same pattern of "independence" and non POJA....and you can bring it up without the fallout.

The silver lining.....the guy lives accross the ocean!! YAY!

hugs!

What a jerk. I agree with you. The friend is in a lousy marriage and is jealous of the relationship your husband has with you. I think he is totally trying to undermine your marriage. I am not sure how to handle this except to talk to your husband alone. I hope this is the last time this guy ever visits. I think it is time to establish some boundaries.

That's your H's best friend? The question to your H is what kind of a friend is that? Seems like a foreigner is trying to live his sordid version of what he thinks life is like in your area.

Tell your H that the 'friend' is offensive, vulgar and rude. I suspect the 'friend' is out to hurt you and you ought to expose that to your H and see his reaction. Maybe your H is behind it or the 'friend' has a agenda all his own (i.e. you kicking out your H based on only 'friends' insinuations and then the 'friend' moving upscale by moving in with you). Very common ploy where sleezy foreigners are involved. No offense but it does happen.

The 'friend' may see this as his golden ticket to the land of opportunity.

My advice: EXPOSE
L.

He's Dutch, is he? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />
You see I'm Flemish and Dutch people have a bad name here for being loud mouths / uncivilised.
I'm not saying they ALL are like that..
LOL, my BIL is Dutch and he's a really nice guy...
But they do have a bad rep, especially when abroad.

BH,
This 'bad attitude' comes from many places. I hope I am not offending....even those in this country can be rude when going to other places. Safe to say some people just don't make good guests no matter where they travel to. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

My point was that her H needs to know what she is being told by this friend. EXPOSE the abusive action and then see which side her H is really on. Is he a man or a boy?

L.

hehe...I'm sure he would have skoffed at that...He already thought it was kind of weird that my H and I met online... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />




Well, let me clarify...My Husband is aware that I have very few hang ups when it comes to sexuality. With that in mind, I have told him more than once that watching naked women, going to clubs, bars, etc...is all ok, as long as he remembers that he's married and doesn't do anything that is inappropriate. While other women may think that isn't ok, it's fine with me. SO, I don't see this as a lovebuster at all--he cleared the weekend with me and I don't feel deprived or resentful at all.

Please keep in mind--I'm not at all concerned about my H's behaviour. I'm sure he's out acting like a dude with his friend, but as long as he comes home with a clear conscience, that's fine by me.



I don't think I'll bring this up to my H. I want him to look back on this weekend and have good memories. There's no reason for me to tell my H that I think his friend is a troublemaker. His friend is obviously very unhappy in his own marriage and he wants to feel that my H is a kindered spirit....



Yer darn tootin'! LOL... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Great hearing from you again, Starfish!!!! (((HUGS)))

Hehe..I feel that I have to make a clarification, as long as we're talking about "sleazy" foreigners and etc. My Husband is a Financial Analyst at the most renowned bank in Canada. His friend works for a multi-national American company and could probably move to the US or Canada just by asking for a transfer. We're not talking about refugees here, these are highly educated executives... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" /> How'd you know they were Dutch?????

Actually, my Husband is so sweet and gentle and his friend isn't loud or obnoxious...Why is it that the Dutch make fun of the Flemish and the Flemish make fun of the Dutch? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

Hi Aeri,

**edited to add an apology**
I'm sorry if I offended you in any way with my remark about Dutch people..
This joke about Flemish people being stupid and Dutch people being cheap / loud mouthed is so long standing it's pretty normal stuff here.
But it might sound weird if you're not from "here"..
I mean, I wouldn't be offended if a Dutch person would joke about those ignorent Belgians <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
But it sounded like I was serious about it in my first post to you - sorry about that!

BTW your H's nickname gave it away.
And I have some very good Dutch friends, actually.

I think you hit it spot on when you said "His friend is obviously very unhappy in his own marriage and he wants to feel that my H is a kindered spirit...."
Still, I'm not to sure about not saying anything about this.
It obviously bothered you enough to post it here and on the EN board, didn't it?

Good luck to you and your Knuffelbeer.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> I said sleezy, not poor or uneducated. Sleezy comes in many walks of life. My point is that people look to other places and think the grass is greener and try to fanaggle their way into those places because they want what they can't have. A good comparison is why some people think certain countries are 'golden opportunities' when in fact, it isn't all it's cracked up to be.

So is the 'friend' trying to turn your H into enabling these ideas to justify his apparent lust for walking on the wildside?

If so, what does your H think about such ideas? May do well to really find out. This is where communication is vital to survival. Someone (friend) is calling the integrity of your M into question.

JMHO,
L.

The chances of people going through an elaborate plan like the one you described is pretty slim, especially when they're educated professionals, don't you think? I agree, sleaze exists in all walks of life, but my point is, it's less likely when a person comes from a country with many opportunities.



I don't understand what you mean here....

The situation didn't bother me, I just wanted validation when it came to my suspicions about his friend...

Orchid: The guy tried to give you bad ideas about what he and your H might be up to. The reason? That's what you need to find out. Don't dimisss it. Exposure is key to getting to the truth. The friend is not a good person if he is doing this. Let him know, if he has something to tell you, he should be forthright. Let the H know some strange info is coming from the friend and you are wondering if the friend is a bad influence.

Watch their reaction. Then you will know what is really going on.

JMHO,
L.

"... but my point is, it's less likely when a person comes from a country with many opportunities."


Sleaze has nothing to do with where you come from or what you do for a living...sleaze is a state of mind.

I come from an upper middle class family, our neighbourhood was filled with doctors, lawyers, bankers, sports professionals and there were no more no less sleazy people around than anywhere else.

The only difference is that when you have a good profession, come from a land of opportunity you have more money to blow on sleazy things. You also have the money to travel to other parts of the world for a sleazy fix which enables a person to better hide their sleazy side. The more money you have the better able you are to hide your dark side.

I would be VERY worried about this. The friend is bad news. I would not encourage the continuation of this friendship. You should be very honest about your feelings, explain to your H everything that happened and why it has rubbed your fur the wrong way. Then listen very carefully to your H`s reaction. This "friend" has been VERY disrespectful to you. This is big red flag.

As far as I can see, the Friend tried to make me react. When I didn't, he went a little further. My H didn't do anything wrong in my eyes and he still hasn't. My original question was whether I was justified in thinking the friend was bad news. I'm not worried about my Husband being manipulated/negatively affected by his friend. The friend lives half way around the world ...how often do you think they get together?

My H was completely honest with me about their activities this weekend, that's why I know that they ended up going to a strip club and etc...I would have been FAR more upset and suspicious if he hadn't told me these things himself.

Yes it would seem that was his goal. But why would he do that? That`s the $64 000 question. Do you think he may have been trying to send you a message?