Hello,

I have been with my boyfriend for 3 years. We're planning on getting married in a year. We have a good relationship. We're attracted to eachother, enjoy eachother's company and love spending time together. But I can't get over or past his Oedipus complex. He is in love with his mother and admits to it. He is definitely his mother's favorite. His mom has a lot of wonderful qualities, but she does tend to meddle in our relationship in very subtle ways. She does this by saying slightly inappropriate things to me when my boy isn't around. It gets on my nerves, but I don't want to interfere in their relationship, so I haven't told him. He would probably get angry with me. Another thing he does is comment on other women's beauty on a regular basis. I was cheated on repeatedly in a previous marriage and am way too insecure, but my gut tells me he is playing a bit of a power game with me. For instance, everytime we went out, he'd talk about this girl we knew when we got home. I told him that it made me jealous, and he insisted he wasn't attracted to her. Well, the next time we saw her was after his band played a show. She told him it was good and he hugged her right in front of me! I didn't bring it up because he told me he would never discuss it with me again.

On the flip side. He tells me how much he loves me all the time, and is very supportive. I have made my own mistakes in the relationship. I have been jealous, moody and insecure. However, there are times that I think that his spoiled and cushy childhood has convinced him that he needs to have the upper hand in all relationships. His mom will actually pull a martyr trip about him behind his back because she would NEVER go to him with a problem. He has been protected all his life. I love him and admire many other things about him (in spite of the Oedipus thing, his mother and father have a very happy marriage and have been good parents) and think that if he grew up a little he'd be a good husband.

What is a good way to confront these problems? I have a high opinion of him, but I refuse to play second fiddle or have my confidence undermined by my spouse. It is also possible that I'm way off base and it's healthy for couples to talk about how hot other people are in front of eachother. But I just can't get used to it. It's not in my nature to talk about other men in front of him, but I've done it just to level the playing field (a big mistake I know).

I'd say your reaction to talk about other men in front of him was immature, but understandable. Unfortunately, it starts moving things into a power struggle. You didn't level the playing field, you stepped into a "game."

If you can get everything out on the table regarding your feelings and concerns, and you are confident that you understand him and he understands you, you will be on better ground.

It seems like people say things that violate you, and you don't know exactly how to deal with them in a positive way, so you just try a phrase or two, but then stay quiet. I understand that very well. I've been violated in the past, and it's a tough cycle to break.

Regarding him saying "he would never discuss it with you again" about the girl he hugged...I'm not sure how to do this, but it's not fair of him to end the conversation on his terms without knowing that both of you are OK. If you still have feelings about the situation, then your relationship will need to grow with regard to respecting your feelings and wishes.

Unfortunately, I don't know how to do that yet. My wishes aren't respected in my relationship, but things are starting to get better.

Anger sometimes gets you noticed, but it changes who you are. Some people only listen when the people aroud them get angry. It's unfortunate. In that situation, I'd move things to a professional or church-based counseling setting right away.

If your techniques for communication aren't getting you heard, and you are feeling like your confidence is being undermined in your spouse, then these little things can be resolved in such a setting while they are still small.

Your situation can turn into:

"he never listens to me"
"he always gets his way"
"he doesn't respect me"
"I'm marginalized"
"I'm always second best."

etc. etc.

So, my best advice is to seek advice from people who can help. Also, to seek that advice together with your partner.

Best,
D--

D - I just wrote a long response to your response and it vanished!! Frustrating...

Anyway, I don't have the energy to re-write it, but I just wanted to say thanks for your response. I definitely think my boyfriend and I would benefit from getting in front of a third party, and I'll bring it up with him. He's on tour right now and hasn't called since he left. Sigh....

I just ended a relationship with an inconsiderate jerk. Sounds like you have one on your hands. Playing his game won't get you anywhere - it never worked for me. And if he is unwilling to discuss something that is bothering you that bad you really have a self centered inconsiderate jerk. If that what you want in life go ahead with it as long as you decide. But for me I finally took Dr. Harley's advice and put him out of the picture. If he won't agree to the poja now what's to make you think he ever will. You will always be the one that makes the sacrifices and that will eventually drive you insane. I won't tell you what to do, but once I heeded Dr. H's advice things started getting better in my life even though that guy is no longer a part of it.

Hey, I'm here under a different name because I lost my password!

I don't seem to be functioning very well - I lost my previous post. You all should feel lucky because it was long and self-indulgent.

Anyway, I'm looking for some advice on how to work with the problems I have both in my relationship and my own personality, but it's hard to pinpoint because my relationship problems are very subtle, and my boy says that he doesn't consider them problems, so I wonder if they are all in my head. I'll make a little list, and try to be concise:

1. My boyfriend always mentions when he finds another girl pretty. When we were first dating, he told me he wasn't usually attracted to petite girls like me (I'm 5"5 and have a slender frame, which makes me seem even smaller). Whenever there is a tall gorgeous girl around (and we live in a college town), I feel like he's comparing me to her. He has also mentioned numerous times that he thinks his sister in law is very beautiful (and she is, although she is much shorter than me, so I guess it's ok for her!), and I feel jealous about that. When we go out, I often notice him glancing repeatedly at other girls and I feel uncomfortable and ashamed. Going out with him sucks!!!

2. We don't sleep together. He stays up really late and sleeps on the couch. I'm trying to accept this.

3. We don't have sex as often as I'd like, and he has to be the instigator. If I instigate, he usually turns me down. As a result, I don't enjoy the sex very much because I feel inhibited.

4. When I confront him about these things, I do it in the WORST way. I complain and say retarded things like "Do you still find me attractive," and any number of other things that I'm sure make him feel defensive and are a turn-off. However, when I do what my counselor suggests and stop expecting him to meet my needs, they help me but not the relationship. I start to feel so distant from him that I'm like, ****** I should just leave.

I would also like to reiterate that we are very compatible in other ways, and thats why I'm trying to make this work. We love living in a house together, cooking together, etc. I don't think either of us would benefit from giving up on this. He is honest, trustworthy and I think he's very cute. He can just be distant, and that's hard for me. It doesn't help that he is a bit of a local celebrity, and we live in a town where he has a ton of friends and I have none. Want to hear something stupid? I actually am afraid to make a girlfriend because I worry that he would be attracted to her. I've seen this happen so many times...

I would also like to add that he may not be into seeing a counselor. My best friend keeps suggesting it. He would also probably think me posting on this site is really hokey. Maybe I'll bring it up today and see what he says. We've also called off our impending marriage once and it was hard for me.