After a few weeks of plan B he called OW and told her he wanted his family back and put it in writing for me. I sent the letter and called OWH and made him aware. At that point FWH claimed he wanted to rebuild our family and move closer to his work away from here (and OW). He said he would never move back here he hated this town and the people in it. We live in an old house that need some TLC before we can put it on the market. I told him that I had no problem moving (lots of triggers around here) but we needed to work on US before I would do that.

I had talked to SH he suggested we spend time together working on the house and time alone...to talk about present and future but not to get into R talk because both our LB were running on fumes. I made a condition before he moved home he talks to SH. He doesn't want to do that and he doesn't want MC. BUT we did go on a date ALONE and he invited me to go to Puerto Rico with him on a business trip. Things were passionate. And we spent time working on a common goal fixing the house.

Things have been up and down. But generally going pretty well. We have had a couple arguements which I thought was good because we had always been BIG conflict avoiders in the past.

We do not have radical honesty and transparency. He has not disclosed ANY details of the affair. He is living in our RV parked on his Dad's property an hour away. He comes down a couple nights during the week and then Friday for the weekend. He generally stays over the weekend. Sometimes he sleeps on the couch...sometimes not.

His reason for not moving back home has changed to "I don't want things to go back to the way the used to be. Status quo a few years ago." I reminded him that I have changed... the house is only 15 minutes to get ready for company, I went back to work full time, we no longer are involved in community activies. I asked what he was willing to do to change status quo. His response? "Good question"

He has started settling back in to old patterns. Laundry during plan B he would take it to his brother's to do. Then after he started bringing here..but he would do it. Now he drops the duffle by the basement door and there it sits. Just after he wrote the NC letter he would make dinner for me or offer to get take out. Now he helps himself to whatever is in the fridge and shows up to the dinner table after everything is on the table and we are waiting for him.

He says he is focused on getting the house done and feels disappointed that I am not committed to the same goal. I am frustrated because I feel like he is taking me for granted, and not taking steps to improve our M.

I think I need to sit him down and talk about this.

You can't do it alone. You can do the work you need to do on YOU on your own, but a marriage is a partnership. And what you have right now isn't a partnership. Well, unless you count having a silent partner as a partnership, but I don't think that you do.

Let's get back to boundaries a little. What type of boundary do you feel comfortable in setting up for yourself? You probably would have had a little more clout if you had made a list of requirements that your H had to fulfill before you stopped Plan B but it's not too late. are you going to tolerate those old patterns, or are you going to sit him down and say to him,

"Look, I know that you don't want things to go back to the old status quo, and neither do I. However, I notice that some of our patterns are heading back that way, and I want to head them off at the pass. I know that one of your goals is to fix up the house so we can get it sold, and it's one of mine as well. However, I would like to think that fixing our marriage is also one of our goals, and the more important one as well. this is what I need (insert your requirements here - much like Daze's list that she made for her H) which will help me become more comfortable with us as a couple, which will help me focus more on the house. That includes going to some type of counseling so that we can get a head start, and so that we can figure out how we can change status quo together. If we are not equally committed to this relationship, then we have to make alternate plans (insert your Plan B here)."

Does that make sense? I am sure you can put it in much better language than I can but I think that you get the gist of the message - the marriage should be the priority, then everything else can fall into place. If he wants out, now is the time, b/c you have lots going on with you in your life and you can't keep living in limbo. you will not tolerate old patterns - and he has made it very clean that he won't either. However, there is no room for cake eating and you have to be ready to enforce that boundary.

You need to initiate the discussion. He may choose not to talk or open up to you, but at least you can say that you made the effort. And you are worth it.

xo sus

Does he hate the town more than he loves his family?

He is the one responsible for maintaining NC. I am not his keeper. I feel he needs to earn the priviledge of coming home. He has yet to do that. I will monitor as I need to for my own security.

Before he comes home I will need tranparency, and a show of commitment to me and our M. It is a test that my H will pass but WH won't.

Is it possible to follow the rules without a cooperative partner?

How did you get your H to agree to the 4 rules? Did you just do them or did you present them as MB principles? Was he open to MC?